[ISFJ] Rant about an ISFJ male

[Anna212]

There is an ISFJ guy that I have been interested in for a while. This person is very sweet, kind, considerate, typical ISFJ qualities.

He's also slowly driving me nuts. He is always scared that he is going to insult me or offend me. If he teases me or put himself out there, he will always withdraw what he said, to a certain degree. He will almost always apologize, as well.

He seems to need constant reassurance that I still like him.

An example: Last Friday I said I might go out, or I may just go to bed early, as I was very tired. He asked why I was tired. The he said "I hope you are not tired because I asked you out". Of course, this has nothing to do with me being tired. He just wanted to bring it up. Again, needs constant reassurance that ok, you do like me, you do want to go out with me.

I guess it's pretty typically ISTJ of me to find this is irritating rather than endearing.

I think that if I say anything about how I wouldn't go out with him after all, he will blame himself, take it really personally etc. He won't realize that his need for constant reassurance was what drove me away, rather than I didn't like him.

Anyway, if you've made it to the end of this, my thanks.

Do you guys think that he sounds like a typical ISFJ? Am I being a typical ISTJ? And do you know of ISTJ/ISFJ pairings?

 

[Sniffles]

Well it sounds a bit like myself at times, and I'm INFJ.

Well guess it goes to show that IFJs and ITJs should have nothing to do with each other.

 

[Anna212]

Well guess it goes to show that IFJs and ITJs should have nothing to do with each other.

I wouldn't go quite so far as "nothing to do", but I think prolonged contact should probably be discouraged.

 

[nomadic]

im seeing this isfj girl. im enfp

she's like that. she needs constant reassurance.

wats the big deal. sometimes people are just at different points in their lives and have different emotional needs. someone might be more needy cus they don't know people in the area, or they just got out of a relationship. don't get too obsessed with kicking someone to the curb first, to get an ego boost, which im sure its tempting to a lot of people at one point in their lives... i mean, you're talking about real people here, u kno?

 

[Anna212]

don't get too obsessed with kicking someone to the curb first to get an ego boost

Uh... rejecting someone for an ego boost is not something that I do, don't worry

 

[Edgar]

I guess it's pretty typically ISTJ of me to find this is irritating rather than endearing.

I'm an INTJ and I find that extremely irritating.

Yes, I've had a dubious honor of being with an ISFJ girl.

 

[Mondo]

This is a typical FJ letting out his insecurities.
He needs external reassurance to be assured that you like him.
He'll grow out of it or eventually realize that you like him no matter what..

 

[Cimarron]

It's not quite the same, but my mom is an ISFJ, so I understand the dynamic there. That (excessive) insistence on an emotional connection can be annoying, especially when we as ISTJs are aware that both people in that connection already care about each other. And low self-esteem on the part of the ISFJ sure doesn't help, either. But I think there are ways to get around this, like how my mom and I (over my teenage years to early 20s) eventually settled into a compromise, me giving a little more F, and her giving a little more T.

The difference here, though, is that you can't choose your parents, but your boyfriend...

Also, I've looked a lot like the guy you describe when in past relationships, unfortunately. Even though it would annoy me, too, if it were happening to me.

 

[Lightning_Rider]

Hi, I am new here but I am an ISFJ male so I will try to contribute.

I think that it is natrual for ISFJ's to feel this way to always want reassurance. Some probably have a tendency to do this more than others but I think it is part of the personality. I feel this need quite a bit myself.

I do think however that ISFJ's need to learn to control this as much as possible, even though it feels quite natural to do the opposite. Personally I feel like there's nothing wrong with wanting reassurance but if you ask for it in almost everything you say or every time you see a person I can imagine how that would drive them away. So I think an ISFJ needs to realise that you can't be asking for or expect it every time.

Though I'm sure if you do reassure him without him even asking you it will make him feel a lot better. It will probably lessen as well once you become closer, as someone else stated, though of course every ISFJ is still different. I'm sure that he will still want to have his affection and give you affection once you are closer as well though, which gives him reassurance on its own.

If on the other hand you decide not to go out with him and tell him no then I'm pretty sure that he will definitely take it personally and ask himself what he did wrong and blame himself. And I guess it would be his fault if it's because he was coming off as too needy. Naturally, I feel the same way in a similar situation but I try to force myself to think that if this happens then it was simply because we were not as compatible as I thought etc. Still, it is hard to fight those ISFJ tendencies...

It sounds to me as if he needs to learn to control some of his ISFJ traits, namely asking for reassurance too often. Perhaps he is not aware of them. Though if you do want to give the relationship a try, then you could try reassuring him of your own initiative first and see if that lessens things a bit once he becomes more comfortable with you. Also, I think that the thing with him retracting his joke statements about you will lessen a lot as well once he feels more comfortable around you and learns how you will react to different types of jokes. Remember that ISFJ's gather very, very detailed facts about people and store them away, then naturally rely on that information that they have gathered to judge a situation, if a situation matches a previous one. That's why I think once he has enough information on how you perceive certain jokes he will realise he does not have to say sorry or retract his statement. Though you should let him know that it does not bother you when he makes the joke...

 

[Lightning_Rider]

Thanks.

When I first read about ISFJ's, this was one of the things that struck me a lot because I realised that I do this a lot and I have a very accurate memory, especially for those types of things.

Pretty cool if you ask me... like an ISFJ special ability haha

 

[FDG]

im seeing this isfj girl. im enfp

she's like that. she needs constant reassurance.

wats the big deal. sometimes people are just at different points in their lives and have different emotional needs. someone might be more needy cus they don't know people in the area, or they just got out of a relationship. don't get too obsessed with kicking someone to the curb first, to get an ego boost, which im sure its tempting to a lot of people at one point in their lives... i mean, you're talking about real people here, u kno?

+1

 

[Giggly]

Anna212, maybe FJ's are not the best type for you.

 

[ehastin1]

i have that ability too

my memory is full of so much ha

 

[chimpuloc]

This is very insightful Lightning Rider!

Hi, I am new here but I am an ISFJ male so I will try to contribute.

I think that it is natrual for ISFJ's to feel this way to always want reassurance. Some probably have a tendency to do this more than others but I think it is part of the personality. I feel this need quite a bit myself.

I do think however that ISFJ's need to learn to control this as much as possible, even though it feels quite natural to do the opposite. Personally I feel like there's nothing wrong with wanting reassurance but if you ask for it in almost everything you say or every time you see a person I can imagine how that would drive them away. So I think an ISFJ needs to realise that you can't be asking for or expect it every time.

Though I'm sure if you do reassure him without him even asking you it will make him feel a lot better. It will probably lessen as well once you become closer, as someone else stated, though of course every ISFJ is still different. I'm sure that he will still want to have his affection and give you affection once you are closer as well though, which gives him reassurance on its own.

If on the other hand you decide not to go out with him and tell him no then I'm pretty sure that he will definitely take it personally and ask himself what he did wrong and blame himself. And I guess it would be his fault if it's because he was coming off as too needy. Naturally, I feel the same way in a similar situation but I try to force myself to think that if this happens then it was simply because we were not as compatible as I thought etc. Still, it is hard to fight those ISFJ tendencies...

It sounds to me as if he needs to learn to control some of his ISFJ traits, namely asking for reassurance too often. Perhaps he is not aware of them. Though if you do want to give the relationship a try, then you could try reassuring him of your own initiative first and see if that lessens things a bit once he becomes more comfortable with you. Also, I think that the thing with him retracting his joke statements about you will lessen a lot as well once he feels more comfortable around you and learns how you will react to different types of jokes. Remember that ISFJ's gather very, very detailed facts about people and store them away, then naturally rely on that information that they have gathered to judge a situation, if a situation matches a previous one. That's why I think once he has enough information on how you perceive certain jokes he will realise he does not have to say sorry or retract his statement. Though you should let him know that it does not bother you when he makes the joke...

Yes, yes, yes and YES!

 

[chimpuloc]

Thanks.

When I first read about ISFJ's, this was one of the things that struck me a lot because I realised that I do this a lot and I have a very accurate memory, especially for those types of things.

Pretty cool if you ask me... like an ISFJ special ability haha

Mmhmm.
Which is one thing I take pride in when I'm with my INTP friends, they suck at remembering things like that.

 

[Pie_master]

Man I hate that whole reassurance thing, it's so hard to control...
I may have driven someone away with it recently

 

[Litvyak]

I guess it's pretty typically ISTJ of me to find this is irritating rather than endearing.

Not at all. It is really annoying.

I'll try not to generalize or exaggerate, but I've had many problems with ISFJ's in the last few years. The most typical ISFJ I know is very conservative, very childish, and a crybaby. Every time I start an argument about something, she misinterprets it as a personal attack. After she has no more rational arguments (which happens pathetically soon), she shows her trump card: she tells me that I don't understand the situation because I don't have any emotions or whatever, and though she knows I'm wrong, she'll stop the debate. And all that with the typical 'pure-innocent-angelic' smile on her face. How... cute.

That's something I really hate about her (imho this is true for lots of ISFJ's): she thinks of herself as an angel who just happens to be here in our cold and cruel human world trying to figure out the cold and cruel truth about the nastiness of mankind. And she uses this mask to "tell the truth" to everyone: she thinks she is emotionally superior, therefore she can easily talk to strangers about their presumed 'mistakes', even if nobody cares about her opinion or anything. A couple of months ago, she told the gf of my buddy to be careful, because the boy she is currently going out with is unreliable and that he doesn't love her (they've been together ever since btw). Interestingly enough, she didn't even know this girl I've been speaking about, they didn't spend any time together. But if somebody dares to tell her the truth about what people think of her, she becomes depressed and behaves like the princess in the ivory tower just to feel better.

Disclaimer: these are only my experiences and I know full well that I don't have enough data to judge the ISFJ type as a whole.

 

[Usehername]

There is an ISFJ guy that I have been interested in for a while. This person is very sweet, kind, considerate, typical ISFJ qualities.

He's also slowly driving me nuts. He is always scared that he is going to insult me or offend me. If he teases me or put himself out there, he will always withdraw what he said, to a certain degree. He will almost always apologize, as well.

He seems to need constant reassurance that I still like him.

An example: Last Friday I said I might go out, or I may just go to bed early, as I was very tired. He asked why I was tired. The he said "I hope you are not tired because I asked you out". Of course, this has nothing to do with me being tired. He just wanted to bring it up. Again, needs constant reassurance that ok, you do like me, you do want to go out with me.

I guess it's pretty typically ISTJ of me to find this is irritating rather than endearing.

I think that if I say anything about how I wouldn't go out with him after all, he will blame himself, take it really personally etc. He won't realize that his need for constant reassurance was what drove me away, rather than I didn't like him.

Anyway, if you've made it to the end of this, my thanks.

Do you guys think that he sounds like a typical ISFJ? Am I being a typical ISTJ? And do you know of ISTJ/ISFJ pairings?

My roommate this summer was like that (ENFJ). I knew her before though, and we were good friends. I slowly taught her that I verbalize my needs, and she doesn't have to worry about undercurrents like that.

Generally a big smile and hug thanking her for her concern but asserting that she didn't need to worry about things helped. (Fe learned skills.) She even began to throw some joking Te at me in return.

She eventually got to the point that she would start to ask these sorts of questions but then correct herself and tease me somehow instead of herself... hehe. And we only lived together for 14 weeks. She would've found the confidence in our friendship that helped her to understand that everything was fine unless I verbalized a problem in a short time, I'm sure.

 

[Lightning_Rider]

Litvyak, I know you said you are not trying to make generalizations about ISFJ's as a whole, but I think that in general, a healthy ISFJ who understands themselves will not be like that. So don't think bad upon us.

She sounds like she can't control her need for attention, like she doesn't get enough attention or commendation so she is trying to make herself feel needed by others, although in a very unhealthy way. You obviously can't force your opinions on strangers and you need to be tactful in the way you deal with people.

It sounds to me like she is requesting attention and trying to fulfill her "need to be needed" by exhibiting the behavior that she does. I think this is just what happens when you are either an unhappy ISFJ or that you are not very in tune with what others perceive of your actions. But I think that all types will exhibit the worst of themselves if they are missing something crucial that they need.

 

[tinker683]

ISFJ male here, thought I'd throw in my few pennies

I'm embarassed to say that I used to be this way exactly. The very first time a girl showed interest in me back in...middle school I think, I kept CONSTANTLY asking her "What do you see me?". It annoyed the living crap out of her and she eventually stopped talking to me altogether.

The sad truth is that it's something I think every ISFJ goes through and eventually we have to realize that everyone shoes appreciation differently and we have to realize and acknowledge it. My younger brother has a hard time expressing affection but when he does it means he really means it. Myself, I'm very lavish in my affection once I realize from her that I'm allowed to be.

I'm sorry to hear your boyfriend is like this. I wish I had some advice to give but I think that unfortunately this is something he has to learn on his own. Just one of those life experiences you have to go through on your own I think.

I hope things work out!