I've had this problem, too.
Oddly enough, I had it with an INFJ.
Recently, I had to put the breaks a friendship I had with an INFJ in crisis. Because I'm (outwardly) flighty and positive and cheerful, I think she thought I had nothing to say to her about myself. The conversation became solely about her. Normally she is pretty attuned to herself and tends to keep the conversation that way. That's fine. I'm used to a 70 (her) - 30 (me) balance, and it's what I signed up for when I became her good friend. No resentment there.
Over the past year, however, we've descended into some very depressing territory. I found myself taking on her feelings. We had four-hour long phone conversations five (or even more) times a week. I would wake up the next morning feeling like there was a lead weight on my chest. I couldn't do it anymore after two concentrated years of this.
I know that I should've told her about it earlier, but I never did. I never did because I thought she would stop being friends with me if I didn't listen. I don't mean she would've cut me off, but she would have withdrawn and told no one her feelings. The problem also got worse in very tiny gradations, which meant that what I had formerly found acceptable had quickly turned into something much worse without my having realized its progression.
When I was listening to her, I do believe I was helping. But after a while, I also felt that I was enabling the existence of a giant echo chamber in which her distress was constantly analyzed and re-analyzed.
Like I said, this was the status quo for two years.
My trigger moment came when I had something catastrophic happen in my life (the death of a very valued friend). Five minutes after I found out the devastating news, my INFJ called me about a boot on her car and some job related problems. I remember the numbness I felt listening to her talk and realizing that she was unaware of anything in my life up to this horrific moment I'd just experienced. And there was no way I could talk to her about those intensely personal things. I was also aware that in the vast vacuum that was our friendship, there existed no happiness. Or a break, at least, from crushing and overwhelming grief.
I wrote her a long email telling her what I thought. (I omitted any mention of the 'trigger' moment.) I made it as nice as I could, but I told her that I'd had enough of the current trajectory of our friendship. I told her that the few times I'd made a weak attempt to tell her how I was feeling, she was immediately dismissive. I needed to say my piece in an email because I'm someone who can be easily shut down in person. I know I wrote it at an awful time for her professionally and emotionally, but I didn't see the situation stopping anytime soon. And, of course, I was still deeply distressed about my poor friend and disconnected from my life around me. I needed, in short, a friend who would listen.
She responded a couple of days later with an apology, but asked me to acknowledge that by being passive-aggressive I, too, harmed the friendship.
I agree that that was the case. But I also feel like this was because I had this overwhelming need to be there for her, and that after awhile my emotions became too tied to hers. I was emotionally invested in an outcome that was never going to happen. It wasn't something I could help with or deal with, and it was having actual physical effects on me. (Sleeplessness, depression, lack of appetite, etc) She said she needed a break to think on what I had to say. The conversation we had got progressively angrier, I think, but I know that there is no way she can run away from what I said.
I'm pretty sure I'm on the other end of what they call the INFJ doorslam right now. But I have no real desire to break that doorslam. It is what it is, and I can be satisfied that the feeling between us is mutual.
I wrote this long comment in response to the statements made by Words of Ivory.
It's simply not true that other types are incapable of empathizing or of listening to others. And it's not true that the INFJ has to be necessarily more sympathetic or less self-absorbed. As someone who has been there I know that that's the case. Everyone is capable of behaving this way ... and such behavior has immense consequences.