Is there a particular reason you feel your symptoms may not be real?
Not to suggest aything, my medical knowledge is limited although I was taking psychology to possibly go into it, nevertheless, a lacking in belief of symptoms or abnormalities is quite common in the schizo-disordered field.
I think what you mention about the antidepressants and etc. is evidence toward how sometimes no treatment is better than WRONG treatment.
and good lord did they seriously suggest exorcism?
When they arent happening it feels like I am normal and like, looking back on myself it seems absolutely ridiculous that I could have felt whatever way that I did feel. The longer its been since Ive not felt “normal†the more unreal not feeling normal seems and the more I start to doubt that it ever even happened to begin with.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, Ive recently felt... fucking bizarre and awful and so my ability to emotionally register that... wow... that was really abnormal, is higher. And so my desire to keep myself from not feeling like that, and doing things like planning to take my medication regularly is also higher. But I suspect, looking on how Ive reacted in the past, the longer it is that I feel “ok†even if I still have active symptoms, the longer that I feel emotionally stable, the harder its going to be to convince myself there was anything ACTUALLY wrong in the first place, and the stronger the desire is going to be to stop medication or greatly reduce it.
Ive actually thought about asking for a monthly injection. But for one, I dont think there is one available for my drug- I think for my class of meds they only do abilify and maybe invega. And Id be willing to switch but, those drugs are slightly more expensive than my current drug and would be decidedly more expensive in monthly injection format. Plus, I really dont like the idea of it being out of my control. I dont really trust myself to take them, but I want to work to that. And I just, I want to know that at some point, maybe I will be able to trust myself.
But yeah. No. Even my hallucinations feel almost sorta like- eh whatevrr. Except when they are actually happening. Ive sort of convinced myself that having them is no worse than having nightmares emotionally. And while, I will give myself this, I have come a really long way in coping with them, they still can be eeally distressing sometimes. Usually I can get over them relatively quickly, but sometimes well... they know my weak points and can seem really real and convincing and so it will take a couple of days of telling myself that- its unlikely to be real- for me to be fully 100% able to tell myself that no- ghosts arent going to kill your family so they can torture you in hell. Or whatever the voices try to freak me out with.
Anyways. The fact that I am able to function in general is also kinda suspect to me a lot of the time. I mean, I do struggle at work because it requires a lot of executive function and basically Im working at capacity and sometimes it feels like beyond to just stay afloat there- but like... I generally CAN. But yeah. I have a tested memory impairment that is fairly mild, but is enough below my other test scores to be significant. Its not even really super low or anything, but it deviates far enough that I notice it and it frustrates me and I feel stupid because of it. But apparently memory problems are common with the condition Ive been diagnosed with, as are mild social communication problems, which unfortunately I also have. My affect is pretty flat. Therapist used to say flat but now she says blunted so maybe its better or maybe shes just being kind- but yeah no- its hard to relate to people when you have such issue with just- showing the things that people look for- those connection pieces like smiling and laughing and idk having your face reflect your feelings and thats frustrating as well.
Anyways. I have a lot of symptoms. But at the end of the day, even when Im given a huge giant list Im kinda like welll maaaaaaybe. And ifs probably bad to do that. I mean once my laat psychiatrist literally read every symptom Id ever told her, listed every hallucination that I had reported and every weird paranoid belief that Id had... and that was one of the few times I genuinely, when I wasnt in the cusp of experiencing those things was like, oh. Yeah. All that was real. All that happened. This is real. Otherwise, when Im feeling well... I think I just. I dont know.
I wonder if Im either in deep denial, brain damaged, or right that theres nothing really wrong.
I wonder if my brain is damaged to the point where I have this.
Anosognosia: Definition, Causes, Symptoms, Treatment, and More
Because at this point its starting to not really feel like... like its starting to feel like more of a choice to believe this rather than something I actually emotionally believe. Like its something I feel I MUST remind myself that I MUST believe.
And yes. She suggested exorcism at least twice and kept telling me to watch movies like A Beautiful Mind. And IDK it just felt almlst like she was excited to be working with me, not to reallt help me, but because I was like interesting or something and idk like some sort of exhibit to her. But that might just be me projecting frustration or something idk
