O.o... as a result of a need to air out my thoughts.

[INFtha14]

worry... pensive... fear... not enough faith or confidence in myself... scared of the official representation of our seperation. Scared of my official "I've had enough". Scared that I know what I need to do but I'm scared of change too. I'm scared how talking to anyone to "talk it out" really wouldn't help me much. I have to work out my own fears and lack of faith in me. No one can do that for me. It would be foolish of me to think that by going to another person it will solved. Talking it out is really just a distraction of my fears etc. A way of me avoiding them. Was thinking yesterday how it's easy to make decisions but when there are so many fears and emotions attached, it's not so easy.

Some reason I pondered just now "How do I know who I am? Will I ever know who I am?" Kind of a silly to ask such a question as if that would solve everything. By knowing myself I mean by being aware of my fears, emotions, triggers, why I react the way I do sometimes in certain situations.

I talked with my counselor how I started to realize why all this time I've been "putting off" commiting to a career. 1) the official seperation 2) my lack of confidence in my ability. Great I know the reasons. But what about these turbulant emotions I feel? Not making this so easy. I'm still hurting by all this.

I'm still in the process of accepting my mothers "jekyll and hyde" act. Kind and supportive one minute, critical, manipulative the next with her "good deed she performed" as her weapon for control. I have to agree with my counselor how I'm getting better but the situation is not. So the best thing to do next is to find FT work NOW and make a move to get out of the house/situation because it's not going to change no matter how many ways I try to reach out to my mother to make it work. It's in my hands now pretty much.

This scares me because that means I'm on my own here. Kind of stupid and I know it won't help me any but it bothers me when I see these people with wonderful parents who actually were willing to truly sacrifice for their childrens independence. My counselor made it aware to me after hearing of my mothers way how it's obvious I wasn't prepared for independence unlike other childrens parents do. You know going to college, getting to come back inbetween courses etc. So they slowly get adjusted to their independence while being dependent. I got to do this cold turkey... Makes me alittle annoyed at these happy go lucky "i have my parents helping me and supporting me through the whole process types". I just don't want to hear it... reminds me of what I want and what I'm trying to accept I don't have . I don't want to pity myself though but I can't act all smiley either. Not exactly an ideal situation but it's life. It's how it is. I tell myself that "I need to suck it up and grow a pair". But If I remember that moving out will be what helps me work through this better for my happiness then maybe I can just keep reminded myself of my goal. To move out in three or so months after FT work.

Got alot to think about... but I also have alot to "feel" and I can't deny the hurt. That's not going serve anything by going right to the solution. What I'm accepting hurts, that even her helpful, kind, "supportive" ways were of a self-serving in a narcisstic sense and manipulative/co-dependent focus. Not intentionally perhaps but still. It's the only tools she has to pull out and use, I'm needing to seperate myself from her, I need to put myself and my happiness first. Hard to actually realize what you have to do especially when it's involving your own mother. I have to seperate from her. But I need to...



My head tells me I need to make a move asap (and I want to) but my heart is hurting...

 

[INFtha14]

Maybe that's my purpose... the need to make this "move" to truly be happy. I was just standing in front of the fridge ready to eat two pieces of pizza until I just thought for a minute 'why I am wanting to eat this food?" Pain... distraction... frustration... not hunger. I walked away... from it.
Tempted to ask myself why does it have to be so hard but maybe that's where we learn from life the best is to go through it ourselves piece by piece. I think I get it now when people will work anywhere, they see that something is making them unhappy and they have the power to change the situation. Even if the job is not exactly ideal, it's on a grand scale perhaps the best thing to do for ones own overall happiness. Still working it out... heh I don't smile as much anymore. Everything has become this "I just got to" but that's life though (see? ). Not that I'm unhappy but I'm not a grinning fool either...