New Experiment

[Frosty]

Answer my questions- fill this out to whatever extent you choose- and I will try to type you. Ill do this, as much as possible, by ignoring any preconceived notions of your type, and again, as much as possible, will actually try to avoid even looking at who is filling this out! I will type you, as much as I can, by ONLY your answers to this survey below.

Survey

How do you relate to the feelings of:

Excitement?

Fear?

Jealousy?

Hope?

Anger?

Hurt?

Love?

Sadness?

Happiness?

Frustration?

Disappointment?

Tension?

Curiosity?

Loneliness?

Anticipation?

How do you relate to the concepts of:

Revenge?

Kindness?

Betrayal?

Faith?

Belief?

Friendship?

Perfection?

Loss?

Missing out?

How do you relate to your experiences of:

Yourself?

Your emotional state?

Your intellect?

Your relationships with others?

Your relationship with people you love?

Your relationship with people you hate?

Your relationship with yourself?

Your relationship to society?

Your relationship to societies expectations?

Your relationship to expectations you place on yourself?

Your relationship to your past?

Your relationship to your present?

Your relationship to your future?

Describe more:

The things you are proud of?

The things that you wish you had?

The things you regret?

The things you want?

The things you need?

The things you wish you could do without?

The things you know you could do without?

And finally:

Who are you?

Answer as few or as many as youd like in any way that you would like and Ill get back to you. Just thought this would be fun. And was curious to see what could become of it. Lots of it is repetitive but whatever.

 

[Population: 1]

I’ll give it a shot! I’m not sleeping anyway. I should be but alas my restless mind has decided otherwise. Right. Here goes.

Excitement?
I don’t really get excited. Not ecstatic anyway. About anything. It’s just not in my nature.

Fear?
Oh I have fears, as do we all, but I seldom speak of them with other people. It’s too personal for my tastes.

Jealousy?
I can be. It’s a nasty emotion though.

Hope?
I find it’s a good thing unless it leads to inaction. It’s necessary in scenarios where life is it’s bleakest and all possible actions to rectify the situation have failed. Otherwise you would just lay down and die.

Anger?
Ah it’s an old friend. It’s an old enemy. It’s needed at times but it will destroy the mind and the body if it’s held onto too tightly. I’ve fought with it my whole life. On some level I’ll be grappling with it as we both plummet into the unknown.

Love?
It’s a mixed bag really. It’s nice at times and then it’s constricting at others. It can knock you over or sneak into you when you aren’t looking. Either way, it’s in charge once it arrives and you can accept it or resist it or if you’re difficult like me do both.

Sadness?
This is a strange one. Sometimes it’s just an awful companion that tries to drag you down and yet it can be beautiful depending on how it’s presented and how close to home it is. Music and art that delve into the realm of melancholy can present it in a way that I find is utterly charming. I suppose that’s convenient sadness though that one can wear like a coat and then replace it in the wardrobe.

Happiness?
Another odd one that never consumes me entirely. I can feel happy but it’s always measured. Accept when a playful dog jumps up and licks my face. Then I turn into a giggling five year old boy.

Tension?
I’m a worrier. I always have been and will die one. It’s just part of my nature. I explore lots of possibilities, both positive and negative. This has put tremendous strain on my body and mind at times.

Loneliness?
I spend a great amount of time by myself but I’m not immune from it. When I have felt it it has been profound. A deep deep sense of it that makes you feel like the only person in existence. I tend to ignore when it does strike.

How do you relate to the concepts of:

Revenge?
I definitely have a short term passion for it but only the most severe offenses reside in my head long term. My anger burns bright and furiously but only for a short time usually.

Betrayal?
This is the thing I despise. If it’s a serious betrayal I will sever all ties immediately without a second thought. My trust is hard won and will never be regained once it’s been lost.

Faith?
As in religious faith? I don’t place that much trust in any religion. I don’t believe humans have the faintest clue what a deity wants and to suggest to me that it’s actually communicated directly and in a way humans would comprehend (Bible, Torah, or Quran) is just not true. I believe those books are the creations of mortals and nothing more.

Belief?
I think everyone is entitled to believe what they wish as long as those beliefs don’t advocate intentionally harming others.

Friendship?
I believe it’s important to have friends. Not friendships based completely on convenience though. Quality over quantity is what I prefer. I’ve had two solid friends that no matter how much time we’ve spent apart have kept returning into my life. I’m not necessarily big on destiny but some things seem meant to be I guess.

Perfection?
It’s completely unrealistic and unattainable. I believe competence and quality are reasonable goals. Chasing perfection is like chasing shadows.

Loss?
Loss is terrible and inevitable. Ultimately we all lose, but losing others is devastating as well. My father was the worst loss. I still feel the loss of every pet, every dog or cat I’ve ever loved. If you attach yourself to other lives, part of your’s will be lost when they depart. Not connecting with others will avoid this pain but then that’s a loss in itself, isn’t it?

Who are you?
A human being. One of billions and one in a billion. A variation. A possibility.

 

[Zhaylin]

How do you relate to the feelings of:

Excitement?
It's not something I normally feel.

Fear?
With amusement and curiosity (and sometimes, a couple eeks depending on the cause).

Jealousy?
Something I don't usually experience. I'm content with my lot in life. I might feel a passing envy of someone for their abilities or perhaps even their gadgets. If it's their abilities, I'm usually just amazed or sometimes proud of them and wish I had their skill. If it's a gadget (gaming device or some such), it passes quickly because I realize I have too many the way it is lol

Hope?
Is necessary. I'd say it was one of my primary emotions, even if it doesn't appear prevalent.

Anger?
To be avoided at all cost.

Hurt?
Physical or emotional? Physically, I have a pretty high tolerance and a knack for being able to distract myself from a lot of it. (I get syncope if the pain is sudden, though.) I don't handle emotional pain well. I can distract myself from it, to a point, but mostly I just avoid it like the plague.

Love?
An alien concept... somewhat. I have deep affection for people, but I don't know how far it extends beyond that.

Sadness?
To be avoided at all cost; though I'd rather feel sad than angry.

Happiness?
A daily emotional. I laugh and smile often. I'm highly amused by the simplest, silliest of things.

Frustration?
Another daily emotional lol. Usually it's regarding my health, my nature, or the actions/inactions of others (like my kids inability to do chores).

Disappointment?
Not something I experience often. When I do, I can brush it off pretty easily.

Tension?
Daily lot in life: kids, chores, health, animals. I'm often irritated by all those and get tense because of it.

Curiosity?
Daily. It's another one of my core expressions. I stay curious.

Loneliness?
Unknown to me, in memory (last 20+ years).

Anticipation?
Rarely experienced. Unless, perhaps, anticipating my weekly allowance. In any case, it's not something I have strong feelings for.

How do you relate to the concepts of:

Revenge?
Horrible. It just perpetuates a cycle and no one feels good about the outcomes.

Kindness?
Should be expressed and felt daily.

Betrayal?
Intrigued. Everyone is a mystery and no one knows all of the story.

Faith?
How can a person NOT have any toward *something* (if not God, people, science, themselves).

Belief?
It can make or break a person, in some cases. It goes hand-in-hand with Faith, for me.

Friendship?
It's nice, I guess. But people require too much: time, energy, emotion etc. I don't have it in me.

Perfection?
The ultimate, though ultimately impossible, goal I tend to be a perfectionist, though I'm forgiving of others. But because it is impossible, I usually opt to do nothing at all than fail.

Loss?
Inevitable, sad, but survivable.

Missing out?
On what? Nah, I'm content.

How do you relate to your experiences of:

Yourself?
An annoying clump of problems with the occasional awesome insight. I'm generally accepting of myself.

Your emotional state?
Drugs help HSP is a bear. Other than that, I'd be okay.

Your intellect?
Embarrassing.

Your relationships with others?
Friendly.

Your relationship with people you love?
Distant.

Your relationship with people you hate?
There are none.

Your relationship with yourself?
Okay.

Your relationship to society?
As long as I don't have to mingle with the masses I'm okay. Nah, society, in small amounts, is okay.

Your relationship to societies expectations?
People can suck my toe. At least, that's the front I try to put on. I've given up trying to please all people all the time. I know a lot of people will judge or have other thoughts or emotions about my life, there's nothing I can do about it. Just don't be a jerk and I'm okay. I try to be aware of "my audience" and behave/dress accordingly.

Your relationship to expectations you place on yourself?
I'm an optimistic realist. I try to do things within my means and ability. I grumble at myself when I fail, but I forget the failure pretty quickly.

Your relationship to your past?
It happened. Some of it was even pretty nice. If only I could remember it better...

Your relationship to your present?
To be savored and appreciated.

Your relationship to your future?
Is unknown and unknowable. I try to predict interactions (I have dialogue mapped out etc), but beyond that it's out of my control. (I gave myself severe anxiety about fears for the future for most of my life. I try not to think about the future any more.)

Describe more:

The things you are proud of?
My empathy and compassion. My ability to read people and advice them (when asked).

The things that you wish you had?
Willpower, self-discipline, the ability to read and write music and pattern, better intellect.

The things you regret?
Letting down and failing the people in my life.

The things you want?
Peace and quiet, my house fixed, my animals whisked away, my kids to move out, better health.

The things you need?
Peace and quite, lots of space, zero chaos.

The things you wish you could do without?
Video games, nicotine.

The things you know you could do without?
Video games and nicotine lol.. but a whole lot more too.

And finally:

Who are you?
I am a conflict-adverse, creative and sometimes inventive homebody who needs very little to feel content in life. I care about others, open up quickly and easily but maintaining ties isn't something I want. In another life, I would have been a hermit shaman on a mountain top- mapping the sky, living off the land and learning all the mysteries of nature. In this life, though, I'm much too lazy.

 

[Lord Lavender]

Imma try to keep all this concise so ya don't have to read a novel ha.

Exictment= This is something that is a very positive thing as it means things aren't stagnant and boring. I love this emotion.

Fear=I don't feel this one much as such. Mostly when I am frightened of conflict or discomfort in some way.

Jealousy= Im not a very jealous person overall but hmmm I can get jealous of how others seem to have something Im missing.

Hope= Hmmm this to me is the fact that things work out well in the end generally.

Anger= Something to be avoided like the plague as it tends to lead to worse things happening unless its for a good reason. I very rarely feel truly angry and when I do I tend to try to shove it down.

Hurt= It hurts nuff said . It makes for very good Young Adult fiction characters though he he he.

Love= I relate to love as hmmm just feeling really fond of a person and also like hmm merging with them.

Sadness= I feel this a lot but try to not let it get me down. I tend to feel sad when I feel defective or bummed out about not being able to do what I want to.

Happiness= This is a good thing to be. Its also a good sign that you are doing well .

Frustration= Jesus don't even get me started on this lol. I am frustrated a lot as I have so many things and dreams in my head but not enough time or resources to do it all. I also get frustrated at myself for failing to be "perfect".

Disappointment= This is but a gadfly in the grander scheme of life he he he. It tends to come when things aren't as grand as I expected them too be (Which is most of the time lol) then it passes.

Tension= I am not sure how I relate to this emotion tbh.

Curiosity= My middle name . Its what makes life worth living imo as without it we would still be stuck in the single cell age as two cells must have been curious enough to try sexual reproduction .

Loneliness= I tend to feel lonely when I feel separate from others like if I feel ignored by others.

Revenge= Revenge is unneeded and does no good at all long run at all. I would rather justice than revenge in that people are held accountable for what they did and they can be forgiven and make amends. Revenge is the emotional equlivent of using up your energy to chase a prey animal rather than just go to Walmart and buy a steak . (At least for humans).

Kindness= Kindness is a nice thing I suppose and is the reason why we have culture and civzation as having zero kindness would mean that society as we know it would collapse.

Betrayal= It can hurt especially from someone I love a lot but I tend to forget about it after a second or two or they offer me cake . Food is really one good way to make me like you again lol (Not a joke). Plus it makes for very good dystopian Dickenson comedy.

Faith= A good money making tool if you can pose as a prophet plus the sasfaction and giggles of fooling people . Jking it can be a beatifical thing I suppose.

Belief= Its not something I really have as such. Hard to explain but I would rather logically figure out things than believe in them even though it would be fun to believe in something.

Friendship= A good thing and it what makes life that great and more fun lol.

Ill try and condense a lot of the questions from here since a lot can be kind of lumped together.

I see myself as hmmm I am kind of hard to define since I am a shapeshifter of sort in that I change my personally both knowingly and unaware to mirror and in a way merge with others taking on their personality traits though one thing is consistent I seem to be high energy and funny. I suppose if I had to sit with myself without anyone to merge with I would say I am a fun loving guy . I try to relate to others on a basis of goodwill and dignity like I try to be kind and accept 99% of folks as even if they seem a unpleasant person sometimes you will find they are actually pretty cool. My relationship with the past,preastn and future hmmm. The past is mostly just the past its gone by but sometimes I can dwell on it in a negative way that stops me from moving on. The present is jus that nothing special about. The future imo is the most important. Without a good future one cannot enjoy the past and present and I suppose that's a way to put them all into harmony.

My relationship with society hmmm. I think its a good thing overall as humans have advanced so much but sometimes I feel hmmm I don't fit at times like I am a outsider looking in from a spaceship not from within.

And that's it for today . Feel free to ask more questions Frosty if you want or need too and this is a very good idea as well!.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

Ahhhh I love this idea!

 

[Peter Deadpan]

Excitement?
I have long said that I rarely get excited about anything and that I have no inner child, but I don't think that's necessarily true. It is true that I rarely look forward to something in a manner that provokes excitement, but I do have a tendency to get playfully childlike/mischievous in bursts, which is how I get when I am excited about things. Like baby goats.

Fear?
I'm not a terribly fearful individual in the anxious sense. Like, I don't sit around and worry about worst case scenarios. I do have fear though, and a lot of it revolves around fearing that I will be unable to attain what I want, the life I envision. Therefore, I struggle with taking active steps toward my idealized life and tend to suffer for it. In that sense, I guess I do let fear hold me back.

Jealousy?
I wouldn't call myself jealous as a descriptor, but I can be a touch territorial. I can also be quietly insecure, worrying that my partner might have eyes for another woman he knows or that he may have lingering feelings for a past lover. The latter is particularly difficult to deal with because as stupid as it sounds, I want to be the most desirable and adored woman my partner has ever been with, and I don't want him reminiscing about the past in a way that makes him feel I am lacking something and don't measure up.

Hope?
I have a weird on/off relationship with hope. I can cycle between pessimism/acceptance/optimism, but I generally get sucked more toward the glass half empty side. Hopelessness is not a foreign feeling for me.

Anger?
Oh boy. If I am truly honest with myself, I am probably one of the most angry people I have ever known, maybe even the angriest. This doesn't show up in the classic sense of the word all the time though and tends to manifest via frustration and irritation mostly, but I'm also openly angry more often than most people too. I guess a lot of things just get under my skin. I wouldn't call myself the most violently angry person I've ever known though, just more that it's often there.

Hurt?
A core feeling that I cannot separate from who I am. I think most of you know enough about my history to get it.

Love?
My savior and my downfall. Life is meaningless without it, and manifesting it alone can be difficult for me. I'm working as hard as I possibly can to learn how to love myself, by myself.

Sadness?
Another core feeling. I guess I just feel like my life is a series of losses. Sadness strikes me at odd times often, and it's an emotion I keep near to myself. I honestly don't think I'd be happy without it, which doesn't make sense because I also don't think I know what feeling truly happy is like.

Happiness?
I think I just answered that, but let me clarify: I do have happy moments or short periods of time, but if you took a 6 month chunk of my life, any chunk, and asked me if I was "happy" about my life in that time frame, there would always be a "but"... something would always be out of reach. I would probably in some way be working toward whatever that is, or at least telling myself that I am working toward it, but I would never be content as is for a sustained period of time.

Frustration?
Hahahaha. I'm probably the most perpetually frustrated TypoC forum member.

Disappointment?
I actually don't relate highly to disappointment of people, although I have felt this lately a bit. I don't really have expectations of people and don't want people to have expectations of me, so disappointment is generally not on my radar in that manner. I am perpetually disappointed with life though.

Tension?
I carry physical tension in my shoulders/neck/jaw often. Sexual tension is a thing sometimes, but rarely (which is disappointing). I am prone to awkward tension, as in being super uncomfortable in my own skin in certain social situations, particularly without alcohol.

Curiosity?
I'm an extremely curious individual. I am constantly mining for information pertaining to whatever I am interested in at the moment. My body needs no stimulation, but my mind needs constant stimulation.

Loneliness?
I've been very lonely for several years now, understandably.

Anticipation?
This ties in with excitement. I usually only experience romantic or sexual anticipation. I don't have enough exciting things lined up at any given moment to experience general anticipation.

How do you relate to the concepts of:

Revenge?
I don't seek revenge, I seek justice. It's not something I get hung up on often, but if it happens, you will go down.

Kindness?
Meh. I'm not as kind as I should be.

Betrayal?
Kinda ties in with disappointment of people, which isn't part of my core operating system because of the separation between me and others. I did feel deeply betrayed by some friends who abandoned me at a low point in life, especially because I think they allowed my abusive ex-husband to poison their perception with his manipulation, despite knowing beforehand that he was like that. I don't know if I will ever truly get over that.

Faith?
No. I don't have any of that.

Belief?
Who are you without beliefs? A nobody. Nothing.

Friendship?
I consider many people acquaintances. They may think they are my friend, but I have a hard time using that word to describe people, even people I like. Therefore, I generally consider myself to have few friends, and I spend no time with anyone in person, for the most part. I am always satisfied by having one main connection with a lover, and one friend whom I spend some time with occasionally, and then all the connections I make online. (I still consider many of you here friends, but we don't see each other in person, so something will always be missing in that sense. Please don't be offended or hurt.)

Perfection?
I'm very hard on myself. I recall being called a perfectionist as a child by my mom many times. This perfectionism showed up particularly when I was in college and is why I had a 4.0 GPA. If I were to go back to get a degree, I would be disappointed in myself if I didn't graduate top of my class. I know how crazy that sounds, but it's how I feel. Other than that, with others, I can either be very easy to please or impossible to please. I'm so dateable.

Loss?
I feel like we covered this? My whole life is loss.

Missing out?
Not really in terms of action. I always feel that I am missing something though.

How do you relate to your experiences of:

Yourself?
I don't understand the question. I can tell you that I am abnormally preoccupied with my sense of self and identity and figuring myself out...

Your emotional state?
It's unstable and a defining characteristic of who I am and what I am dealing with at any given moment. It hinders my ability to take action and move toward what it is I want in life.

Your intellect?
I consider myself to be intellectual, but not in a best of the best way. Feeling dumb makes me red in the face.

Your relationships with others?
Weirdly detached. I see you, you see me, we are interacting, we are laughing, I like you, you like me... but yet I am still completely contained over here and there is little you can do to change that. In order to connect beyond that into something authentic and deep, I need to see what's behind the front door. Then I'll decide if I open mine for you (although I do tend to flash the curtains open here and there just to see what happens).

Your relationship with people you love?
I only have love for my children and romantic partners, and whomever opened their front door and also walked through mine. There are levels though.

Your relationship with people you hate?
I don't often go full-fledged with the hate, but when I do, that person becomes nothing to me. Sometimes I want to rip out the box that they hid in their core and open it, exposing it to the whole world.

Your relationship with yourself?
Complex, consuming, conflicted, cancerous, carved. I give it a grade of C-.

Your relationship to society?
I don't really have one and I like it better this way for the most part.

Your relationship to societies expectations?
No thank you.

Your relationship to expectations you place on yourself?
Hm, I should place more expectations on myself than on others. I do feel disappointed in myself I guess, for not being where I should be, emotionally or otherwise.

Your relationship to your past?
Well, that's who I am, innit? I can't remember a lot of it, so maybe that's why I can't figure out who I am.

Your relationship to your present?
I'm hanging in there, getting outside of myself in small ways. Trying to integrate the past, present, and future in a healing sense. Trying to build my own foundation so that I can have what it is I want in life one day.

Your relationship to your future?
See last answer.

Describe more:

The things you are proud of?
Mostly the fact that I am still here.

The things that you wish you had?
A house with a yard and trees and a 3-season room. A career I don't fucking hate that gives me freedom and room to be a creative problem solver, the embrace of the love of my life, peace, a feeling of contentedness.

The things you regret?
Everything and nothing.

The things you want?
Everything and nothing.

The things you need?
Everything and nothing.

The things you wish you could do without?
Societal expectations.

The things you know you could do without?
Societal expectations.

And finally:

Who are you?
A formless canvas with many colors but no clear image.

 

[RadicalDoubt]

This is a really cool idea. I'm putting mine in a spoiler bar to conserve space.

How do you relate to the feelings of:

Excitement?
It's been awhile, I don't feel it super often. When I do feel "real excitement," it tends to be over really simplistic things (an activity, a grade, an intriguing conversation or a new piece of information that sets me off, ect; Typically smaller things not necessarily worth the reaction I give). When I'm not really trying to contain myself, my expression can be quite outside my typical aloofness because I get loud and exuberant. I've used to receive a lot of negative feedback for my enthusiasm in regards to excitement.

Fear?
I'm somewhat lead by it, the one emotion that I cannot seem to control (at least well) despite my efforts, but the one I'm most aware of. Usually an enemy of mine, but with the mindset can push me to action. Can sometimes be controlled better if I'm given the opportunity to think or research the issue and, by extension, gain control over it.

Jealousy?
I literally did not experience this emotion, at least consciously, until recently. Incited purely by personal insecurity and when I focus to much on my own shame/weaknesses. Sometimes a default label to emotions I cannot identify or do not like, but are negative and directed at someone outside myself.

Hope?
I'm not sure I experience this often, or a lack of it either? Doesn't play a huge role in my life, outside of perhaps my idealization of the future and "hope" that I will be able to make things better.

Anger?
I'm more of a resentful person than an angry person, but none the less feel anger often-ish (although not to extreme levels). Almost exclusively directed at myself. When it's directed at others, it takes a lot of internal justification to express it (because I tend to think of myself as dramatic despite not really being that). Rarely explosive unless it's something I feel strongly about, which is just as rare of an experience. It's worth noting that I'm more inclined to use anger as a fuel than project it outwards (unless that's spite I'm referring to.... Anger and spite overlap) and sometimes, allowing myself to get really angry can be incredibly engaging and thrilling so long as no ones hurt and I'm not outside of my bounds.

Hurt?
Physical or mental pain? I'm often not aware I'm hurt till long after I have been. I'm more attentive to minor pain than the ones that actually matter/need my attention both in the physical and mental realm.

Love?
I've recently been asked if I'm capable of feeling love by my friends. They were only half joking. I haven't felt it in a very long time whether you're talking about a love or passion for something or some idea or for people, except maybe for specific family members. I've been blinded by it before though I suppose.

Sadness?
Similarly to most of my emotions, I don't feel it until it hits the extremes my body cannot repress. More of a wallowing or an empty feeling then one that causes you to break down.

Happiness?
See sadness, then see excitement. If I'm happy I'm really excessively happy. These days, genuine happiness comes from achievement or engaging and succeeding in my areas of interest.

Frustration?
A visceral emotion, one of the few I experience most of the time. Often physically painful and difficult to rationalize. Brings out a certain level of stubbornness in me. Typically surrounds fears or experiences I struggle to overcome, things that I desire but may never obtain, or the general lack of satisfaction that I feel because of the failure to attach and feel freely.

Disappointment?
Undifferentiated from frustration. For me at least they're the same thing?

Tension?
Anxiety tension, angry/conflict based tension, other tension? I think they're all separate, and I have different reactions to each? Anxiety tension is a constant, so typically I don't notice it unless it's an extreme. Sometimes fuels my compulsions. I'm known to be a very tense and mechanical person by nature, or so I've been told. Anger based tension deriving around conflict can actually be really engaging and exciting, especially if I'm in control of it/on top, very engaging and pushing towards goals (because tension is resolved by reaching a goal).

Curiosity?
One of my only two drives in life and probably the only desire/passion I allow myself to submit to. I want to know how things work and function, I'm driven to find connections, and I plan to live a life that allows me to work off my curiosity (ie. I'm becoming a researcher via career). Invigorating, sometimes dangerous for obvious reasons, but often a positive force.

Loneliness?
I'm not really aware of this, as I enjoy my solitude, but definitely more present then I'll ever admit or know. I desire connection and the genuine drive to care about something more than just engagement or company, since neither of those really satisfy me in the long run.

Anticipation?
Typically difficult to differentiate from anxiety/nervousness. In excess, even if it's positively felt, gives me nausea, which is the only way I can really recognize it.

How do you relate to the concepts of:

Revenge?
I'm very judgmental towards people who are vengeful or spiteful in that fashion, it comes across as a lack of control and inability to rationalize negative emotion. If you're that angry, why wouldn't you just communicate the problem rather than going out of your way to harm others? It is silly to let your emotions control you in that fashion. I cannot say that I'm perfect, nor that I have never harmed another person both purposely and non-purposely, but I've never done so by revenge.

Kindness?
Positive often, but overvalued to the point where people fail to draw the line between kindness/compassion and selflessness/meddling behavior. It's sort of sickening to watch people who are overly kind, although there's something attractive/endearing about genuinely kind people.

Betrayal?
It happens sometimes, often incredibly unpleasant and painful for the betrayed. Requires you to let people in and create that attachment to actually feel betrayal. Conceptual I understand it, but don't really have a huge monologue for it.

Faith?
Can be very helpful to some people, very similarly to hope. To be able to trust something or someone to work in your favor is a helpful trait to have, although blindly having faith in something can lead to being blindsided. Less potent than belief I believe.

Belief?
Similarly to faith, a very helpful attachment to something or someone that helps a lot of people mitigate their fears, behave in a way that society views as virtuous, and sometimes fuels people to stand for things they feel strongly about. Powerful, but potent. Often something that can blind others from other possibilities, "the truth" if such a thing exists, or from learning and developing the mind. Creates vulnerabilities that can easily be avoided with thought.

Friendship?
Strange and valuable on the occasion that it can be attained.

Perfection?
Not possible in the way that it is defined (ie. flawed, incapable of being improved in any way), but a concept that is capable of fueling people to obtain and create incredible things as well as one that can destroy and damage people greatly.

Loss?
Requires connection/attachment, but overall can be very painful and lead to both physical and mental feelings of pain, sadness, and anger, as well as many other complicated emotions.

Missing out?
The story of my life probably, especially being as blinded by fear as I am. Missing out isn't necessarily a bad thing so long as you can find other things that are satisfying or beneficial to you in other ways.

How do you relate to your experiences of:

Yourself?
I question if I even exist. I've really gone out of my way to generalize and understand how people as a whole behave inn order to both predict and deal with them as a whole and also to engage myself in the process, but understanding and dealing with myself, as well as picking out who or what I am or how I function as a whole if I even do exist has been a longstanding battle that I am loosing quite badly.

Your emotional state?
Too flat for my liking, but impossible to deal with when it isn't.

Your intellect?
Weak. I have a lot of intellect in some areas and then severe blind spots in others. As general and adaptable as I've tried to make myself, you would've thought it'd make more sense to divy stuff out and then enhance the areas that would be most beneficial/engaging. A lot of people consider me to be an "intellectual" because I'm a scientist in personality and career and because I genuinely enjoy solving problems and obtaining knowledge in areas of interest, but frankly there's so much I've yet to scratch the surface on both in the areas I'm interested in and also areas which some fail to consider under the blanket of intellect and intelligence that I don't know if I'd agree.

Your relationships with others?
Pathetic and weak. I really need to improve and gain more understanding in this area. Too mechanical, too much based upon trends and generalizations I've made with my own mind, too weak an understanding to actually be pleasant or satisfactory.

Your relationship with people you love?
Recently took a downturn, unsatisfactory. See above.

Your relationship with people you hate?
I don't really hate people, except in the most abstract of ways. I hate the concept of hitler, I hate the concept of murderers, but to really hate someone or something outside of myself? Not sure I feel that.

Your relationship with yourself?
Very poor. I have more understanding of others and far more tolerance of others than myself despite my efforts to change this.

Your relationship to society?
Eh, I feel very little relationship to society, though I've yet to really come outside of myself yet. Society is more of a fantastical concept that exists in my mind and that I can play around with/experiment with than something that resembles what actually exists in real life.

Your relationship to societies expectations?
They're something I half submit to to purely to avoid drawing attention to myself and also something I'm prone to not paying attention to in the slightest. I float somewhat outside of them purely because I am naive to them. I'm trying to learn more about them to see how I can benefit from either understanding, complying to, defying, or ignoring them. If you cannot tell, I'm a self absorbed shut in.

Your relationship to expectations you place on yourself?
Quite heavy. I say I'm driven by fear, but I'm even more heavily driven by my expectations for myself. I'm quite a heavy handed dictator when it comes with my dealings with myself, and I have unconsciously created a lot of rules and expectations based upon false assumptions I've made upon how things work in the real world/consequence as a whole which I've only just realized are problematic and are trying to alter now. A major cause of my depression and frustration.

Your relationship to your past?
Hazy. I simultaneously pay too little and too much attention to it. Good to use in terms of understanding and generalizing consequence and the function/workings of concepts and systems as a whole, would be better if my memory worked well. Kind of reminds me of splattered paint, really obvious and clear in some places, almost nonexistent in others if that makes sense.

Your relationship to your present?
I'm dissociated/unconnected to it. "Living in the moment" is foreign to me, I almost can only relate to it exclusively by looking at what I desire in the future. More often am I thinking or then am I connected to it, to the point where I question if I am living or am just some consciousness that views "the present."

Your relationship to your future?
I cling to it and am constantly making changes/adapting in order to meet it. I believe I have some level of control over how my future manifests, and can easily envision what I believe the future will look like for both myself and others, as well as my ideal future. I cling to the future in a sense, living more in pleasant anticipation than in the present. I am driven by things I desire to occur in the future, goals are the only thing other than curiosity which push my forward, and I'm also incredibly attentive to consequence, whether it's something I've imagined/made up or something that's realistic. I tend to be optimistic rather than fearful of he future, even things like death and strife that exist in the future I view with positive lenses. I can't change the past, I cannot feel the present, so why not focus on the future, something I can actively create?

Describe more:

The things you are proud of?
The people that I have helped I guess, as well as things I have achieved sometimes. I feel most proud when I watch people transform themselves and reach their goals, especially when I have a hand in it.

The things that you wish you had?
Passion, a connection to my own self and feelings, satisfaction for once. Internal stability would also be good.

The things you regret?
My own existence hahaha. Being blinded by my emotions I guess, particularly love or my own "logic" and poor understanding of things. My past biases and the poor decisions I've made that I thought I thought through, but have led me down a dreary and dissociated path which I almost think is outside my domain of control. Almost, I'm still trying.

The things you want?
How is this different than what I put as a wish? I wouldn't know. I'd be curious to see how others differentiate the two.

The things you need?
More willpower, to gain more understanding of myself and the real world. To get outside myself.

The things you wish you could do without?
My fear, particularly my fear of bias. My physical limitations, or at least some of them. Limits are good at preventing stupid things from happening or extremes, but also good at creating pain and stagnation.

The things you know you could do without?
My self hatred and mental health issues.

And finally:

Who are you?
I wish I knew. A cluster of thoughts, sentiments, and distorted colors with no real form outside of maybe some dinky physical body it calls home.

 

[Saturnal Snowqueen]

Really cool idea, Frosty ^_^



How do you relate to the feelings of:

Excitement? I am mostly excited when I have a creative idea in mind or am going somewhere new. It's funny, if I'm in class and people are all riled up about something, I'm often blank. But I also get excited about little things like groceries. I get hyper and bounce around the place.

Fear? I am made of fear, lol. Fear of my phobias(like fire), fearing for my security, fear of conflict, all the fear. Also, I overthink things a bunch. I just see so many possibilities.

Jealousy? I feel this from time to time. It's not usually a seething jealousy, but I can't help but feel a bit jealous if say, a friend is spending a ton of time with someone else or someone achieved something I worked hard for and failed.

Hope? Despite dealing with a lot of fear, I am generally optimistic. I'm not a ball of sunshine, but I tend to see the best in situations and the best in people.

Anger? Something I don't like to express-I don't like arguing(debates are fun though). I rarely blow up at anyone. I do get angry at people being obnoxious, judgmental, and controlling though.


Love? I'm a romantic person I think. When I'm in a romantic relationship, I'm just happier. I've got that one devoted person. My philosophy is to treat your partner as your best friend-more fun times and understanding. I also love animals and taking care of them. They're simply adorable.

Sadness? Besides the typical breakups and deaths, I think what really makes me sad is seeing people hurt and just having a life with no depth or meaning, one that's too routine. I wallow in self pity. I try to avoid things that make me sad, like deep talks or most sad shows.

Happiness? Unfortunately, I wish I could feel this one more. But what makes me happy? Eating delicious and foreign foods, visiting somewhere new, spending time with a couple close friends, playing board games or hours of a good video game, looking at beautiful art or nature, that stuff

Frustration? I feel this one a lot, more so than real anger. Loud noises, stress, being misunderstood, those all play in. I just try to drown out my feelings with music or something. I'm often pacing around too-I feel very tense.


Curiosity? I love learning about all sorts of stuff. History is a favorite-it's just fascinating what people acted like back then in comparison to now, what inventions were around. I also enjoy watching medical shows and deducing the mystery, learning what weird conditions people can have.

Loneliness? Alone time is refreshing. However, I do feel lonely a lot. I've always been a third wheel and I just have trouble relating to people. Not that I'm a special snowflake, but I've rarely ever fit in a group. Guess I don't really need to though.


How do you relate to the concepts of:

Revenge? Never executed, but I can't help but think about pulling a prank on an ex or something.

Kindness? I try to be kind by sharing food with friends or surprising them with little gifts and just helping out around the place.

Belief? I'm laid back about most of my beliefs and am tolerant of other peoples' beliefs too. You can have your beliefs and I may not agree with them. But if you're actually acting on the (presumably) bad belief, I'm more likely to get upset.

Friendship? Friendship is good! I don't have many friends, but I do prefer to have a few good, loyal friends. I love my internet friends

Perfection? Pfft, I am sensitive to criticism, I don't like feeling incompetent. I am a disorganized mess though. When working on a project, I want to put my soul into it and be creative, but I don't mind cutting a few corners.

Loss? I am clingy! Not just in a relationship way, but I strongly fear loss in a sense of losing my favorite things, losing friends, losing what I've worked hard on, leaving places. Basically, losing whatever disrupts my security.


Missing out? I don't like missing out. If I'm genuinely not interested in something, then whatever. But if I'm uninformed and left out of activities, I feel disappointed. Life is short. It's not the worst feeling, but if I miss an opportunity to accomplish something(like if I'm late trying to apply for something) I regret it.



How do you relate to your experiences of:


Yourself? I'm a trainwreck


Your emotional state? Dead inside


Your intellect? I'm usuallyyy book smart, but I'm also scatterbrained and clumsy. Burnout gifted kid here. If it helps, my long term memory is famously good, but my short term memory is not as good-I'm quite forgetful.

Your relationships with others? Rarely close, but I get along with most people I meet. Around most people I am quiet but am generally easy to talk to once you get past my shell.

Your relationship with people you love? Distant. I'm not the mushiest person; I can be in romance, but not with family. But I show people I love them by cheering them up, offering to do fun activities with them, and listening to/not judging them for their problems.

Your relationship with people you hate? There's no one my life I genuinely hate. I've had my enemies in the past, but live and let live. I'm a very forgiving person. I'll hear about crimes committed in the world and it'll make me upset. There are certain things that irk me, but generally, it's hard to hate someone if I don't know them on a personal level.

Your relationship with yourself? My self confidence could be better. I doubt myself a lot and can't help but have my flaws gnaw at me.


Your relationship to societies expectations? Meh. I don't feel the need to actively rebel, but societal expectations are something I don't need to actively follow. I do the basics and try to be polite. But other than that, if breaking the societal expectation doesn't hurt anyone, then I don't think it matters.


Your relationship to expectations you place on yourself?


I've got a few basic expectations for myself. Be responsible, be creative, live and let life, and be kind to others.


Your relationship to your past? I've had some rough patches that are hard to talk about-used to have a crappy home life. But I'm very nostalgic-I'm a sucker for old school video games and computers

Your relationship to your present? Seize opportunity! I can be pretty spacey about present matters though.


Your relationship to your future? I look forward to it mostly. I'm still young and have lots to look forward to, like buying a house and getting married. I have a tendency to plan in advance when I'm excited about something. I do have trouble moving on in life though.

Describe more:

The things you are proud of? Academic achievements. Am I the best student around? Nope, but I've gotten lots of awards as a kid, especially in languages! I've also applied for lots of scholarships, albeit not winning any.



The things that you wish you had? Talent. Not saying that I'm totally untalented, but for now I'm just a jack of all trades. Nothing wrong with that, but I want to find my calling, something I'm truly passionate about and that I can master. I want something I can do something with-it would be cool to start my own business for example. I wish I had peace of mind-I just want to be happy. Also a vacation. Not in a way of getting away from a job though. Part of it is that I love traveling and am interested in different cultures, but it's also just wanting to get away from things and refresh. Also good health-I just want to be full of energy so I can do more stuff.

The things you regret? Probably me not asking for help. I'm the person who tends to tackle problems by themselves and not ask for help much or even express them in general. But if I did ask for help, perhaps I could achieve more and maybe be happier.


The things you know you could do without? Poor mental health lol

And finally:

Who are you?

An average, curly haired, small town gal. Quiet, easygoing, innovative and a bit of a goofball, but also spacey and indecisive. Someone who jams to the beat of her own drum, loves putting her creative spin on things. Often found listening to music whilst daydreaming and dancing, doodling, writing, and binge watching. A small speck in the universe.

 

[Maou]

How do you relate to the feelings of:

Excitement?

I do not get excited easily, but when I do I have trouble controlling my volume. I cannot speak very well, and will have a lot of energy and want to scream sometimes. Or just laughing maniacally.

Fear?

I am not sure on fear. I am either easily afraid, or not afraid. It is difficult to tell, because I have anxiety and various other OCD and paranoia tendencies (Like never opening the windows because you think someone will rob you.) that can be attributed to fear. This is inherently, a physical feeling. Psychologically, I don't think I am afraid of anything that isn't an immediate threat to my physical well being. I am not afraid of psychological threats either.

Jealousy?

An emotion I do not feel very often, if not at all. I have never been jealous, and if I have I probably never noticed because it doesn't really affect me. Now envy I feel. I think the two are commonly confused. Jealousy is wanting something you already have, Envy is wanting something you do not have.

Hope?

If I wasn't adept at being able to hope, I would not be here. I would say I cannot see myself without being hopeful at all. I mean, I can be cynical and pessimistic at times. But at my core, I am always hoping things will turn out better.

Anger?

Oh yes, I am an extremely angry person. I can't really control my anger once it comes out, and the moment things start to set me off I just become a hysterical mess. I definitely do not show anger like most people. I usually contain it for as long as possible. Distract myself from it. I will try to diffuse a situation before I explode too. Or I will begin to use very harsh words. If I am drunk, I will really really hurt your feelings and I don't want that. I can go on a verbal tirade for quite a bit. Physical anger only happens with me, if I am being physically pressed to react. Like not letting me get away from you will only result in me attacking.

Hurt?

Hurt? As in emotional pain? I am in a constant state of agony, but that is my norm. So it doesn't really bother me. I just learn to keep on smiling and keep on looking forward like some retarded shounen protagonist. Physical pain wise, I have surprisingly high tolerance for a female. I have endured things that would give people nightmares. I seem adept at controlling my mind in those situations enough to overcome them.

Love?

Ah love, the emotion that continues to evade me. I would say I wasn't loved much growing up. As a result, I don't really understand it, or how to reciprocate it. Those times I did experience love, I didn't know it at the time and they all resulted in trauma and tragedy. So I tend to associate intimacy and closeness of people, with pain and loss as a result. With animals though, it seems to be a loophole in my brain fuckery. I can love animals wholly and express it. Humans just make me shell-shocked.

Sadness?

Sad is just normal for me, as with hurt. It is as common as sunlight in my life. I am in a constant state of melancholy and reflection. It also doesn't bother me. It is fuel for thought, and introspection. It drives me to overcome some things. Its an emotion I probably feel the deepest, but it isn't entirely bad.

Happiness?

The only time I have ever felt happy, is with the help of drugs and alcohol. I am not joking. I don't think my brain is capable of producing this feeling without something interfering with my dopamine receptors.

Frustration?

I hate this feeling, because I don't generally get it. I am good at avoiding frustration, but its not something easily avoided. I more often than not, get frustrated with my own incompetence. I hate not being able to get things done the way I want them to be done. I am very particular about execution in my tasks.

Disappointment?

Ah, I hate this feeling too. I generally twist and avoid this feeling as much as possible. I don't like it. I sometimes turn on myself, and stop doing something all together because of it. But I also know how to convince myself to get back up afterwards.

Tension?

I am TENSION. I am so tense, all the time that I feel like I am about to snap in half most of the time. I grew up in an environment that forced me to be on my toes at all times. I legit do not know how to relax. I will probably die young from the sheer amount of stress.

Curiosity?

I wouldn't say I am curious as much as I just absorb information from all areas, because I can. I don't feel curiosity as an emotion. If something is new and interesting, I will search it up because its relevant to a task at hand. Sometimes that leads to other things that are also interesting. Before I know it, I read everything and feel like I need more. Its more of a desire to fill in the blanks.

Loneliness?

Ah, I hate this emotion. It is the worse emotion. I have spent my whole life pretty contained and isolated. I had to learn to make friends with myself, and I had only myself to talk to and rely on. Life was not kind to me in the sense of giving me connections to people. If it wasn't for online interactions, I would have struggled even more than I have with this. Some part of me really wants to connect to people, because of this profound loneliness. Another part of me thinks that's an idealistic fantasy that won't ever come to fruition, backed up by the idea that humans can never fully understand each other.

Anticipation?

Anticipation has an extremely negative impact on me. It ties into tension with me. I was forced to stay on my toes, because I had to avoid physical harm, unpleasant surprises etc on a constant basis growing up. I am so good at anticipation, that my body reacts before my brain does. I have insane reflexes. This anticipation has resulted in extreme bouts of intrusive thoughts of physical harm, harming others, and horrible things happening around me. It tends to give me a feeling of dread.

How do you relate to the concepts of:

Revenge?

Revenge is one of those things I thought I wanted a lot growing up, but as I became older it just seems pointless. You'd have to quite literally fuck me over in some really bad way. I am too naturally inclined to blame myself over what someone else has done.

Kindness?

I think being kind is what makes the world go round, and a better place. Kindness might be considered a weakness, but without it we would be lost as a species.

Betrayal?

I have extreme trust issues, so the odds of one betraying me is pretty low. So low in fact, I haven't been betrayed since I was 16. But this also means I have not trusted anyone since then. I struggle to trust anyone in any sort of way. I just remove any attachment from things that I give people, and don't even expect to get it back. Same applies for a lot of emotion. I am so detached, that it never feels real. That things are not happening to me etc.

Faith?

I think faith is required to be confident. You have faith in yourself, your knowledge, or someone else. It's a lot like blind trust. I have faith in the way things generally play out in life. I have faith in my own ability to survive and accomplish what I need to, when I need to.

Belief?

Everyone has them, I am no different.

Friendship?

As with love, I feel a slight disconnect to the idea and concept. I don't honestly feel I am worthy of humans, regardless of how much I want to connect with them. I feel so uncomfortable sometimes, that I cannot accept that I have friends. My emotions keep trying to reject intimacy out of fear.

Perfection?

I am a bit of a perfectionist, and it drives me nuts. It also works in mysterious ways. I don't think I am perfectionist in a way a lot of other people are. It is generally associated with performance, and creation. I never like doing things in front of people, until I am a master already. I don't like people seeing me learning.

Loss?

I deal with loss pretty well. Like other traumas in my life, I just learn to let it go. If I couldn't let it go, I don't think I could bear the weight of the things I have lost in my life. I feel some loss is ultimately inevitable, and I fully expect it to come around eventually.

Missing out?

This doesn't bother me. I don't really miss out on anything. If I want to do something, I do it. There is no wanting, and not doing with me.

How do you relate to your experiences of:

Yourself?

If I met myself, I would probably feel bad for myself. I am such a broken human bean.

Your emotional state?

I cannot really describe or articulate my emotional state. It's very much like seeing an offshore thunderstorm, but still trying to have fun at the beach.

Your intellect?

My opinion on my intellect varies a lot. In real life, I seem way more intelligent than most people. Online, I feel inferior. My inability to communicate in a way that's easily understood and respected by others holds me back the most.

Your relationships with others?

Others in general? I don't really have relationships with people, unless they are already friends. Otherwise they are strangers I hold at a respectable distance.

Your relationship with people you love?

As explained with love, I don't really have that feeling and connection with people.

Your relationship with people you hate?

I don't really hate anyone. I think we are all fighting the good fight, and we just have different perspectives.

Your relationship with yourself?

I have a relatively poor relationship with myself. I am way too hard on myself, and way too strict and unforgiving.

Your relationship to society?

I generally dislike people, that create society. So society itself is pretty ugly and pretentious.

Your relationship to societies expectations?

I have a decent relationship with society expectations, I am a good productive member to society.

Your relationship to expectations you place on yourself?

I am too harsh on myself, as mentioned above. I demand perfection, but I am not perfect.

Your relationship to your past?

I think I have overcome my past, and now have a decent relationship with it.

Your relationship to your present?

My present is pretty shit, but also pretty good. It can be better.

Your relationship to your future?

I am optimistic that it can be improvement.

Describe more:

The things you are proud of?

Me? Pride? haha! Okay, I somehow fluctuate between zero pride, and too much pride. My ego inflates and deflates so fast its not even funny.

The things that you wish you had?

Money, lots and lots of money.

The things you regret?

Too much to list.

The things you want?

Money, and more money. xD

The things you need?

Money, and all the money.

The things you wish you could do without?

Emotions, and people.

The things you know you could do without?

Society.

And finally:

Who are you?

Nothing special, an average human being.

 

[Luminous]

How do you relate to the feelings of:

Excitement?
A very good feeling, but I don't experience it that often. I guess it's somewhat dangerous, because a lot of times, I get excited about something and it ends up being disappointing in some way (and I don't think my expectations are unreasonably high).

Fear?
There are things that I fear that are related to anxiety, past trauma, and OCD. Then there are fears that speak more to the heart of me, like I fear ending up alone, loveless, familyless, possibly getting dementia and not being able to look out for myself. I fear losing people I love. I fear never having the kind of love I want. I fear being abandoned. I fear not being good enough. I fear making big mistakes that can't be undone.

Jealousy?
I really only experience jealousy when I feel that someone is a threat to a close relationship. Then sometimes it's reasonable, but most of the time is unreasonable, and I need to relax.

Hope?
Similar answer as to Excitement. Don't experience often, usually end up being let down.

Anger?
I think I usually experience anger in a healthy way. By which I mean that generally (NOT always) my anger is reasonable, and I generally don't lash out in a harmful way. It's often in response to myself or someone I care about not being treated the way I think I or they should be.

Hurt?
I think I've had more than my fair share of this.

Love?
The main point of life.

Sadness?
Often. Because - look at the state of the world. Look at how people treat each other. Look at how unfair things are.

Happiness?
Is wonderful, but too fleeting.

Frustration?
All the time. I do not easily accept that which I cannot change. OCD.

Disappointment?
Very much so. My life is not how I thought it would be. Things don't tend to work out the way I want them to in some important ways.

Tension?
I hate tension. It eats me up inside. I have a hard time letting things go. I have a hard time not worrying. I have a hard time forgiving myself (and others).

Curiosity?
One of the best feelings. I am rarely bored. Life is fascinating.

Loneliness?
Something I've felt a lot in my life, more often than not. I sometimes find people who make it less so, who are good friends and who are understanding, but the times I've been lonely are still more numerous than the times I've not. Hopefully the scale tips at some point.

Anticipation?
Dread.

How do you relate to the concepts of:

Revenge?
Not healthy, generally. It implies acting beyond what is necessary and ethical.

Kindness?
I strive to be kind, it's extremely important to me.

Betrayal?
One of the most hurtful feelings.

Faith?
I am highly uncomfortable with blind faith. I must be able to question. However, I have faith in people who've proven themselves to me.

Belief?
Not sure what this means separately from faith...

Friendship?
One of the best things in life.

Perfection?
Is not possible. I'm trying (and getting there centimeter by centimeter) to accept that this is so and that this is okay.

Loss?
Something that has weighed on my soul since I first experienced it. What ended my childhood. What is always there, threatening.

Missing out?
I don't want to die without having experienced certain things, but beyond that, I am not sure how much I relate to FOMO.

How do you relate to your experiences of:

Yourself?
Steadily. Sometimes respectfully. Sometimes painfully.

Your emotional state?
Is everything. Like... the idea that for some people it's not, I understand, but I can't really imagine. My emotional state is always there, at the forefront, demanding to be dealt with. Of course, it's not always turbulent. Often it's not. But it's still there at the forefront.

Your intellect?
Something I am thankful for having a predisposition for, parental encouraging of, and having made a commitment to nurturing. Something I am proud of.

Your relationships with others?

Your relationship with people you love?
Largely good. I strive to be respectful in the sense of accepting who other people are, not treading over boundaries, not pushing too much. Respect is highly important to me. But I want authentic openness and intimacy. And I am afraid of being abandoned, of not being good enough somehow. Which can be a problem. (And which is also due to past life events.)

Your relationship with people you hate?
Either do my best to avoid, or if there's something they're doing that is wrong, try to stop it or counteract it if I can.

Your relationship with yourself?
I've been told I need to love myself more.

Your relationship to society?
I've been told I march to the beat of my own drummer.

Your relationship to societies expectations?
See above.

Your relationship to expectations you place on yourself?
I've placed expectations on life and inferred that I wasn't good enough when those expectations weren't met. I need to work on this.

Your relationship to your past?
For a very long time, I was caught up in the past. I have finally been able to let much of it go.

Your relationship to your present?
I try to focus on because...

Your relationship to your future?
...the future feels so uncertain, it's just anxiety inducing.

Describe more:

The things you are proud of?
I'm proud of my intellect, my values and standing up for them, how I try to respect and care about others, and how good I am with animals. Sometimes things like being able to make others laugh or feel special, and talent with things like photography.

The things that you wish you had?
I don't want to answer.

The things you regret?
I regret being so scared of rejection. Not that not being scared would have changed anything. It doesn't seem like anything I do changes anything.

*** Okay, yes, it would at least change in that I wouldn't have suffered so damn much. So... if the same thing is going to happen anyway, what use is being scared or anxious or wasting time worrying? It's hard not to do, though.

The things you want?
I try to get them, I think. Though others would likely say I could try in a better way.

The things you need?
Ah, where is the line between want and need? A very important question. There are things that are not essential to my survival that I want, that some would consider a need. I need a safe place. Which means safe physically, but I also need a safe place where I can love and be loved the way I want to.

The things you wish you could do without?
Mowing the lawn? lol

The things you know you could do without?
Unkind judgmental people.

And finally:

Who are you?
The Walrus.

 

[Venus Rose]

Survey

How do you relate to the feelings of:

Excitement?
Hmm...happiness? Not something I feel that often.

Fear?
Rejection, terror, feeling like an open wound, fearing for the absolute worst even when it might not be likely, open sponge for vicarious traumatization...complete overwhelm, pain I did not realize I was capable of experiencing. There’s gradation of course within this, “fear” is not always the most extreme version of it

Jealousy?
Related to romantic stuff, even if I am attracted to someone and not in a relationship I can start feeling like I’m not good enough spc. If I feel like he likes someone more than he likes me.

Hope?
Nice, gentle, soothing...?

Anger?
Eh, abrasive, mean, cruel. Uncomfortable. Unnecessary.

Hurt?
My fear answer I think suffices for this one. Also abandonment is another thing that can hurt me. Feeling ‘unseen’ like I’m screaming into a void so to speak can also feel hurtful but I think I have improved on that...but I have also become somewhat dispassionate about painful things if they never get any better, like what is the point of feeling that anymore...it is what it is.

Love?
Tenderness, honesty, gentleness..
Elusive.

Sadness?
Ok, better than fear or pain. Not as terrifying.

Happiness?
....
I don’t know how to answer this one lol. Perhaps my response for “excitement” might count for this as well?

Frustration?
Irritation, annoyance, kind of also ties into the ‘feeling unseen’ thing (feels like I don’t matter/don’t exist)

Disappointment?
An ok feeling, not as intense as the others. Don’t have much to say.

Tension?
Having force put on my PoLR, living constantly in a state of feeling like you are still being bullied in your own head, bc of the impact of trauma...

Curiosity?
Learning? Knowledge

Loneliness?
An “ok” feeling again; not as intense as the others. I don’t think I’m bothered by being “lonely” in the sense that I need specific kinds of people in my life...it is ok if I don’t have them and only have like acquaintances or something: I don’t need people around me at all times.

Anticipation?
Sx? Idk why, that is what this reminded me of. Makes me think of happiness, at least what I imagine of it, never experienced it.

How do you relate to the concepts of:

Revenge?
Cruel, scary, mean.

Kindness?
Trustworthy, gentle, kind.

Betrayal?
Untrustworthy, mean, possibly cruel.

Faith?
Meh

Belief?
...
Idk

Friendship?
I have avoidant attachment with my friends... that’s the first thing that came to mind.

Perfection?
Not the most important thing to me.

Loss?
Makes me think of death, grieving, depression.

Missing out?
I am not particularly bothered by this sentiment. I don’t usually worry that I’m missing out.

How do you relate to your experiences of:

Yourself?
How do I relate to myself? Well, working on it. Hap-hazard broken shards that haven’t coalesced together due to recent trauma as well as developmental trauma (attachment trauma).

Your emotional state?
It’s ok right now. Not too terrible.

Your intellect?
I’m smart, but I never considered my intellect anything to boast about.

Your relationships with others?
Not that great I guess, depends on the person.

Your relationship with people you love?
I haven’t told anyone I loved them.

Your relationship with people you hate?
I don’t have one!

Your relationship with yourself?
Answered this.

Your relationship to society?
Didn’t pay any attention to it until recently and realized how far people can go to attain power. How they step on others who are vulnerable, how convoluted their own sense of self is to be this unaware of what they do, how a few of them might even be willing to be abusive.

Your relationship to societies expectations?
Ehhh I am not too bothered by it but can enjoy speaking out against it should I care about the specific issue

Your relationship to expectations you place on yourself?
Quite high. Stresses me out. But I’m also lazy and I procrastinate.

Your relationship to your past?
It is ok, there are things I haven’t fully integrated.

Your relationship to your present?
Could be improved, stressed out.

Your relationship to your future?
Hoping it will be a better one.

Describe more:

The things you are proud of?
Skipping

The things that you wish you had?
My ideal romantic partner and life with him. Happiness, contentment.

The things you regret?
Nothing yet...I mean I kinda regret some thing slightly but idk sometimes things play out in a way that may ultimately end up being optimal for you anyway.

The things you want?
Skip since I kinda already answered this.

The things you need?
Better and more healed mental health.

I am skipping the rest

 

[Lord Lavender]

[MENTION=29687]Frosty[/MENTION] (Just wanted to tag ya I know your probably busy IRL and all).

 

[Frosty]

Yep Im going to wait until this... well. Im going to wait a while more and get more responses so I can try to roll these out all at once

 

[OptoGypsy]

How do you relate to the feelings of:

Excitement? I get easily excited, I want to be lost in the moment

Fear? Being Crucified by a witch on top of the Sistine chapel by the middle fingers, although it would probably mean i can transcend death and become madness itself, God.

Jealousy?
I dont experience it
Hope?
prayer, according to Pandora box hope is an illusion, a necessary evil
Anger?
I become Trollish
Hurt?
I gain Bravado
Love?
I want a helper that can reality check me
Sadness?
Melancholy, nostalgia
Happiness?
I dont want to live like lifestock, i choose dignity over happiness
Frustration?
I get frustrated with myself when I make a mistake
Disappointment?
I Don't get disappointed on others but do on myself
Tension?
I crack a joke
Curiosity?
I love philosophy and discovering new theories, I enjoy making theories, such as explaining the phenomena of consciousness through the tangible force that is madness
Loneliness?
I feel lonely often and end up calling up friends or family
Anticipation?
I get anticipated easily but on the flip side I also feel anxiety due to this. I lack patience.
How do you relate to the concepts of:

Revenge?
Satans Bastion
Kindness?
I try to be as kind as possible as long as it doesn't get in the way of my individuality
Betrayal?
Melancholy
Faith?
Redemption is a big deal for me, so is inner peace and joy
Belief?
Christian
Friendship?
The ability to grow stronger, and get closer to God
Perfection?
I'm a perfectionist who gets depressed when I dont reach the expectations I have for myself, I live to impress my boss
Loss?
I'm afraid of being left behind, nostalgia, I get a tingly feeling down the spine in melancholy
Missing out?
The ability to see how things will fit in, life is a puzzle
How do you relate to your experiences of:

Yourself?
Scattered
Your emotional state?
Unstable, longing for closeness
Your intellect?
Creative Genius
Your relationships with others?
Trollish
Your relationship with people you love?
I always tell them that I love them, ability to build relationships and share personal values
Your relationship with people you hate?
I don't hate others
Your relationship with yourself?
I'm awesome, lover of knowledge, creativity and wisdom
Your relationship to society?
I love culture and the arts
Your relationship to societies expectations?
Its a main focus, the ability to build relationships and get close to people
Your relationship to expectations you place on yourself?
Black and white thinking, self hate, self love
Your relationship to your past?
Nostalgia is a frozen cherubim riding a carousel
Your relationship to your present?
Abosrbed
Your relationship to your future?
Anxiety mixed in with excitment
Describe more:

The things you are proud of?
My ability to write poetry and prose
The things that you wish you had?
Patience, wisdom
The things you regret?
Doing Drugs, smoking
The things you want?
A self-built house, a self-owned car
The things you need?
Food, Water
The things you wish you could do without?
My heart, I heard it tastes great with tea
The things you know you could do without?
Social Media, Video Games
And finally:

Who are you?
an artist of the human spirit: Human nature is like walking among trees under the blue moon under the starless night stumbling upon a bulging deer at a river bed next to the raging currents, the deer is barely alive, and out bursts several rats creating a crater running in a scattered pace in several different locations towards nevermore.

 

[Red Memories]

I. actually love how fucking vague this is. Like it is so OPEN to interpretation this way. I loveee it. it also makes you think damn I don't allow myself to feel certain things OKAY.


How do you relate to the feelings of:

Excitement?: I am very excitable I think, in both ways. Some will say my burst of negative emotion is getting too "Excited" and others will say my sheer joy at a jar of glitter is also "excitement". I just relate to how one anticipation of something good can completely change my mood. Expectations of something negative can also. I sort of come off very mood swingy with it.

Fear?: Fear is usually denied until it looks at me in the eyes in the form of a bee. XD When I feel fear or anxiety I grow angry with myself and try to fight it off, because I feel my fears are a huge weakness for me because I'm afraid of anything I'm not actually comfortable with. My fear has held me back so many times I would like to punch myself in the face for it.

Jealousy?: You know this is like that little epiphany thing. Growing up I never really felt myself as someone who was "jealous" of anything and I really wasn't, but I have always envied those people who...just have it easy when it comes to forming relationships. All my friendships growing up were extremely short lived, unhealthy, or just forgotten by the other party. I always felt like whatever I did wasn't enough, yet this "bitch" off to the side was enough. I grew a jealousy for whoever took my place. My friend of 2 years associated with this other girl more later and without even knowing her I hated her. Now at work a guy I had a crush on at the beginning, has this girl he snuggles with at lunches and we were friendly but now I find venom in my heart at her, although I don't even want him anymore. Its as if my heart says if I cannot have it, no one can. It's weird. I'm trying to ignore it.

Hope?: Um... Honestly most of my years I kind of struggled with despair. I will make a 10 year plan and beat it to death until I feel there is no hope I can succeed. I decided living in the present was healthier for me. No more 10 year plans, just 10 hour plans. I needed to let go of that issue.

Anger?: Me and Cat were discussing the other day how for the first time in my life I acknowledged I am actually an angry person. Like angry, with a capital A. I get MAD at almost everything. I come off mad at the world. I don't even know who I'd be if I wasn't pissed off about something. Like the world just aggravates me. People with potential wasting it, incompetent people getting in positions to boss people around who need a stick shoved up their butts, people using other people. I get mad, this world could be great, beautiful, loving, empathetic. It could be a good place but everyone keeps choosing something bad and it just makes me want to burn the universe. People are idiots, they're complete idiots. They're assholes. I had so much empathy for people in the past and I just got tossed into the nearest gutter. I'm sick of covering up your short comings. Fix it your fucking self. In a way though, I would not be who I am WITHOUT my anger. My anger drives me too. My anger makes me want to fix the world and in turn I am driven into a place where I might change something. My anger gives me pushes to deal with my own short comings. I couldn't lift much when I started my job and grew so angry of the situation I did oversized every day, arm death and all, until I COULD. I can lift 50 lbs now. I went from like 20 lbs to 50 lbs. My anger drives me.

Hurt?: Hurt is my second most felt emotion behind anger...oops. I am oversensitive so honestly, I'm easily hurt. My feelings are easily messed with to the point I always kind of want someone less emotional than me to validate that I am hurt. Like "tell me it is okay I feel the way I do about it, that I'm not being sensitive." in a way it is a sword though because if the friend doesn't validate me I'll mentally feel they're insensitive to me as well and just crawl into some secluded corner. I get over that though, maybe not the person who originally hurt my feelings. I can brood on my hurt for ages. I keep them like mental receipts. When we fight I remind you how you've already made this mistake before and didn't change the issue. Why should I let it go now? At the same time a coworker giving me advice suggested that if it hurt you, it matters, and I shouldn't ever feel I am not allowed to feel something.

Love?: Love is like a warm hug when you're scared. That became my best description. It is this sudden soft feeling in your heart although you've hardened it to everyone else. That person you finally don't fear is going to rape you in a secluded area if you go out alone. It is comforting, it is a warm fire in winter. The thing that hears you out even when you're being an idiot. The thing that takes you as you are and doesn't try to change everything you are, but will tell you the truth.

Sadness?: You know I think I always sort of put my hurt as my sadness. I'm not sure how to separate hurt from sadness. Being hurt makes me sad. Seeing someone ELSE that I care about hurt makes me sad. okay to be honest anyone of any kind hurting saddens me. We can be bitter enemies but you had to have done something truly awful if I have no sadness for you when something goes wrong in your life. Like, you must be some void of heart pariah. There's maybe...2 people in my world that can even fit that bill. I guess in a sense my anger is also my sadness. I am sad I can't actually change how people are and fix it. I feel like if people showed more love, empathy, etc. the world would just be BETTER. The world depresses me a lot. I try to escape reality just to avoid that depression of this world just sucks.

Happiness?: I am going to be real. I don't know if I have experienced true happiness. Temporary happiness? Yes, of course. In the form of amazing people, awesome musicians I'm obsessed with, decent friends. But I don't think I've ever been drunk on happiness. I don't know if I just have a negative attitude or what. Nevertheless everyone around me finds me warm, cheery, and kind. I feel cold on the inside.

Frustration?: My life is a series of frustrations with my lack of ability to change things. I cannot change my environment. I cannot change people to make them care about something. I cannot change the negatives surrounding me. I cannot just snap out of my anxieties. I cannot magically do whatever I wish I could. I cannot play an instrument well. I can't just say fuck money and follow my every hearts artists desires with my subpar abilities. I can't. Nothing ever feels like it is "enough" in my life and I want to scream. I can never please anyone. I can't even please myself.

Disappointment?: I am disappointed in the human race, disappointed in myself for not being able to do things I want to do, disappointed I struggle to cope. Yea, disappointing...

Tension?: Can I just put one of my coworkers names here? JK. But seriously, I get tension headaches from having to be around him too long. I dread going to work if I know he is going to be there...

Curiosity?: I think I am always curious in the sense of knowledge. If someone has information on something I know nothing about I am a sponge. I however find myself to become a dabbler of many but master of none. I always have 2000 ideas and try to execute them at the same time and I end up never actually finishing anything. Which leads to frustration, disappointment, anger, despair, all the above things. I have trouble just staying on one thing. I always have the remnants and I go back and am like YEAH GONNA FINISH THIS NOW then another shiny toy distracts me and takes my muse for a month then another than I end up back around and I need to actually stop that.

Loneliness?: I...often deny I am lonely. I have this "I don't need people" attitude, that I'm fine attitude to it. But when I was in therapy my therapist said I surround myself with those people who hurt me because although they hurt me, they also never actually leave. I'm lonely, I am human, I want to be needed and loved by someone. And I figure I am, I just replace the word lonely with hurt at people who have friends and I don't and etc. I replace it with another emotion. I refuse to admit I feel alone.

Anticipation?: I think "anticipation" maybe the closest thing to "happiness" I have. Like, just knowing this thing you're excited about is gonna happen, it feels nice. Nice to look forward to something. Honestly, I don't look forward to much because I feel it just disappoints me. So when I do its....nice. It feels like I'm allowing myself some leverage. Leg room. Softened time.

How do you relate to the concepts of:

Revenge?: While I have never successfully performed revenge, I have had many vivid fantasies of getting vengeance on people who have deeply hurt me. Their public humiliation, their pain, finally telling them off, finally showing them I was stronger and better, above that. Making them feel as miserable as they made me. I brew it like warm soup for an illness. I however also hate this side of myself, therefore I pretend I never do this. If anyone asks, I am not a vengeful person. No one around me would ever use that adjective to define me. I make sure of it.

Kindness?: ...this is going to sound sickeningly awful... Of course I am kind! I believe in being kind. Kindness is a virtue, it is a good thing, and for the most part, just actually like part of me. I am naturally kind. I want people to feel at home when they walk in, I know how anxious I tend to feel coming in somewhere and it softens me to every newbie. But sometimes...I also feel annoyed by a need to be kind. I feel it as something, it is part of me, but also, I feel it like an obligation. I am obligated to be kind even when you make me want to literally just cut you. Kick your ass. I "have to be kind" have to be a bigger person. I hate that part...I hate feeling I have to be kind no matter what. Sometimes, you don't deserve my kindness...

Betrayal?: if you actually betray me,
you are one of the people in those fantasies.
Truly, I rarely experience "real" betrayal. I think when I reflect I've only experienced it twice. I feel so bitter even now. I could never love or trust them again. My oblgation to kindness almost goes out a window. I almost just don't care if I hurt you anymore. It feels like a sort of psychotic feeling. I know that isn't the right word, but it numbs me. It numbs out all of those things that tell me NOT to be like them. Except then I just hate myself, because I don't want to be the people who hurt me.

Faith?: My faith is everything to me. I mean literally. Because if I didn't have God I would actually be dead I think. I really think so. I would've killed myself a hundred times over because if I didn't have some sort of faith in God, in heaven, in future justice, this world is the biggest fucking dumpster fire and I would not be able to cope AT ALL.

Belief?: I feel like I've lost a lot of my belief. Not in God or anything, more just, in people or society. As a child I had this belief, this idealism, of how things will always get better. The world keeps proving me wrong. It just gets worse, I just get more depressed about it. To some disappointments, I've just become numb. Like I am used to it. It shouldn't ever be this way.

Friendship?: Some people feel I treat friendship like a romantic relationship. These people piss me off and I want to hit them hard with a metal chair. I don't expect you to be here every waking minute, ever hour, every single negative whiny event, I do expect loyalty. I find it rare today to find people who actually stand with their friends. By that I mean, people have a tendency to treat friendships like facebook. They will rarely talk to you but consider you still friends, and if you're unfriended they'll just ghost you or make you the problem for having expectations. There will be no closure. I think that's what is hard. Like...I ended a friendship recently and as hard as it was, I spoke to them. I told them. I gave them that closure, that knowing why. Who can just walk in and out of someone's life like they don't have feelings? What kind of person are you, to just leave? I don't even treat my online friends that bad. I can list a large clump of online friends who have hurt me in that way though...just walking out with no explanation at all. I can't handle how people view friendship so shallowly these days.

Perfection?: God why did you have to put this here. I hate this. I am a perfectionist. I want a perfect world, a perfect life, perfect friends, and a perfect me. Except I can't. I get a B and I lose my shit. My friends call me their "mother" when I actually am telling them if they don't get their homework finished they won't have a future. I see everyone's potential and want them to see it through. They hate me for it. I see my own potential and can't reach it. I hate myself for it. I hate I can't just let THINGS GO. I can't just not worry about if it is correct and right. It has to be "perfect". Remove that word from the human race before it destroys another innocent soul.

Loss?: I hate losing. I hate losing things so much. Usually loss to me refers to relationships. I just hate losing people. On one hand I hate the loss, I also start a paranoia though. I begin wondering now that it is over, after everything, what are they saying about me? Who is listening? It kind of began after I lost a friend who tried to sabotage a new friendship I had. Ever since I fear people damaging that potential. So "loss" ends up being a lot of anxiety as well.

Missing out?: Depends. Honestly the more I see what I am supposedly "missing out" on, the more I think I am not missing anything. I've never been one for big parties, raving, etc. I don't really feel I am missing out on that. I always feel like something IS missing from my life at times, but I do not feel like I am actually "missing out".

How do you relate to your experiences of:

Yourself?: Can I throw me into a chamber and get me a new brain? I think that'd help. I have tried desperately in my life to make the "right" changes but no matter what nothing was right. In the end I am just this angry, oversensitive, overly asinine being with the ability to magically be kind? I don't really know how to experience myself. I don't think I want to. I like to introspect yet also enjoy avoiding it as much as humanly possible.

Your emotional state?: I am literally run on emotions. If I was emotionless I would be a completely new person. Everything I do is based on emotion. Then I start thinking about logic later. It is actually not a cool thing to do, don't do that kids.

Your intellect?: I actually think I am quite intelligent. I know I am intelligent, bookwise. Not always street smart, but intelligent. I have wrapped my head around things other people feel like I talk "over" them about. I have tutored people on homework problems or trained people at work. I am capable of doing and showing. I just use my emotions instead of my head. XD

Your relationships with others?: God I have a handful of just, the greatest friends on earth. I don't care most of them are online, they have been here for me when things were ugly and things were good. Listened to my incessant whining about the human race. Saw me grow. They are priceless to me and I would defend them with my life.

Your relationship with people you love?: I am extremely loyal, but not void of honesty. The more I care about you, the more likely I am to be confrontational about something. More because, I value our relationship so much I do not want any of my anger or frustration to scar it. I want us to cope with it, not hide from it. If I am confronting you, do not be hurt. Realize I value you. I see something to fight for.

Your relationship with people you hate?: Oh my god. They are a bane of my existence. Online and offline, It is like I watch, read, look. I cannot control myself. I somehow grow more attracted to everything you do because of how much I just fucking HATE you. I keep receipts. I wait for your destruction. Slowly. It really isn't healthy.

Your relationship with yourself?: What? You mean I am supposed to have a good relationship with myself, be nice to me, and actually encourage me? Oh no my brain never did that. Can we go back to the part of the brain transfusion?

Your relationship to society?: We had a pretty nasty divorce when I was about 16. I think I got the better bargain.

Your relationship to societies expectations?: I need that gif that is like "come at me bro" and the other one that's like "I give 0 fucks!" But it isn't totally true. I do still feel certain societal obligations like anyone else. Abiding by the law, patriotism, etc. nevertheless if you're just some cliquey group off to the side telling me I should wear more lipgloss than the above IS accurate and YOU CAN FUCK OFF THE DOORS THAT WAY SWEETIE.

Your relationship to expectations you place on yourself?: Oh god. I have such unrealistic expectations. Because of my perfectionism too. Then I can't reach them, talk myself down, feel I can't do ANYTHING AT ALL, then give up and cry in a corner. I am working on that. I want to fix that.

Your relationship to your past?: You know, it is complicated. I mean, I have PTSD from that predator. I have never been the same. I will never be the same. I've looked back and wished I had believed in myself more with people, tried harder to form that relationship instead of that one, because it would've been better. At the same time I don't think I'd change anything. I've been hurt, scarred, challenged, and just worn to shreds. Yet, I don't know who I would be without it. Would I still be that shallow preteen who just wanted to be loved and accepted into some cool group? Or would I have become the person I am now, who may not love themselves, but at least feels secure that it is okay to be themselves in a way. I don't know. I think I'd just leave it alone. In the past I used to cry how I wish I had never met those people. Yet they also made me who I am now. So I guess one good thing came of it.

Your relationship to your present?: I am trying to live IN my present. as a kid, I was so busy daydreaming about something else I wasn't really there looking at what was directly IN FRONT OF ME. I'm bad at it still but I am trying to be in the moment, less hard on myself.

Your relationship to your future?: I am also trying NOT to do that, because when I think about the future, I rip it to shreds, see no hope, and just wish I were dead or at least capable of something.

Describe more:

The things you are proud of?: Despite dropping out and losing my shit for a year I'm proud of myself for pulling myself up and getting back on track. I remember still during that time a few people on discord were claiming I was making some very unhealthy stated decisions. Being too abrupt, bouncing too much. I wasn't sitting down and calming down. I was just "losing it". My mother kept telling me to hit the stop button. I needed to stop. I was self destructing. And I kind of was. Without college, without a dream, what was I? What was the point? Filling blue totes the rest of my life? I tried to be optimistic but I was miserable. I felt like I had nothing. Sometimes you have to lose everything to find yourself again though... and I gained a lot. I realize now I can survive. That's weird but I just...always had this deep fear with my anxiety, with everything, I would meltdown and couldn't handle things. I'd break, I was too fragile. But with all my sensitivities, all my anxiety, I have survived. I can.

The things that you wish you had?: I wish I had less emotional impulses. JKJK. Honestly at this point I'm trying to wish less to be something different and accept myself. If someone could love me this way, then I must not be that bad...

The things you regret?: I regret not tempering myself sometimes when it comes to things. I jump into things so rapidly, gungho, and sometimes it is bad because the relationship becomes negative. I want to learn to take my time and actually smell the roses. I don't spend enough time just taking the time, and focusing.

The things you want?: I want a better life than I have now. I hope maybe something closer to happy.

The things you need?: Honestly... I need a relationship with myself. I am always trying to form relationships with others without really trying to be friends with myself. I am doing better but it feels weird how actually closed off I can be. Someone asked me the other day my favorite thing to do in my spare time and I clammed up. I had the answer, I just feared exposing it. It is as if I hide myself for protection. Why did I become so guarded? I had many acquaintances and no friends. I don't let enough people close.

The things you wish you could do without?: I could do without assholes.

The things you know you could do without?: I could DEFINITELY do without assholes!

And finally:

Who are you?: You know my parents ask me this question saying I don't know who that is and I get so furious and I never get to answer because I don't feel like sometimes they have a right to know since they've never been supportive or caring of my passions, at least my grandfather and brother weren't. My mother has grown a lot from stuff. I remember I was going to choose an artsy major at college and she said she wouldn't support my starving artistry. I am now going back with a social work major and doubling with creative writing and she's supporting me.
I tend to think I had a friend describe me best. Two words. "Vulgar angel." Because I am so idealistic yet in my whole plan existed 20 cuss words. XD But it is so fitting. I still am idealistic, I still want to be part of change, I want to uproot the status quo that apathy is the way to go, selfishness is key, etc. It is so important to be bigger than yourself. I however had my vulgar dark side. My anger and hurt can take over me. My depression eats at me. My anxiety grounds me. I can be so bitter, and hurtful to others when I am hurt. Yet I try so hard to be good. So maybe I am neither light or dark, but simply grey. I have always have trouble with black and white thinking. This can be my reminder ultimately, to be kinder to myself. I am not black and white either. I am full of ideas and passions, but too nervous to share my thoughts. I truly fear ridicule. I always call myself timid when others call me courageous. I feel I respond with a shake in my voice moreso than a boom. But as I've worked more I realized my quiver can disappear if I am fired up enough. So in a sense, I am a dreamer with a dark mind.

- - - Updated - - -

side note of things I'm proud of: while I was doing this I was telling Cat I wasn't going to post it because I feel like some of it is so ugly. it makes me sound so ugly. XD

 

[Red Memories]

[MENTION=29687]Frosty[/MENTION] I killed your thread with a way too long of reply.