Headstrong
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Godly Desires vs. Godly Goals
A Revelation on 07/15/09 at 3 in the Morning
Last summer I started attending a local Bible Study held by some friends I went to high school with. This summer we are reading a book called Victory Over the Darkness by Neil T. Anderson. (It is a fantastic book; I highly recommend it.)
This week we are due to discuss chapter seven, which is entitled “You Can’t Live Beyond What You Believe.”
“Your Christian walk is the direct result of what you believe. If your faith is off, your walk will be off. If your walk is off, you need to take a good look at what you believe…[This] is the classic midlife crisis. You thought you understood well what constituted success, fulfillment, and satisfaction, but now you are discovering that what you had believed about life wasn’t quite true. The longer you persists in a faulty belief system, the less fulfilling and productive your daily walk of faith will be...”
We all walk by faith…it is impossible not to. The problem arises when we put our faith in the wrong things, which leads to faulty beliefs. When we believe something other than God’s truth, we most likely are going to feel emotions like anger, anxiety, and depression.
Growing up, I have always tried to suppress and deny my feelings. I never knew what emotions were good for, but I knew they made me feel weak and sharing them made me vulnerable. Therefore, I ignored, denied, suppressed, and redirected them in some very unhealthy ways. I prided myself in being strong. Strong as in not letting my emotions get the best of me; Strong by pushing them aside and pressing on with life; Strong because I didn’t need anyone (or so I thought); Strong because whenever I let my guard down and shared my emotions or let them show, I was rejected. I took pride in being emotionless and being called, and I quote, a “cold, heartless bitch.” Better than being an emotional drama queen aka a ‘typical woman.’ I never wanted to be associated with that stereotype.
I have read this chapter (seven) at least three times now and have not gotten anything significant out of it. Chapter 10 and beyond discussed emotions more in depth, which is what I was interested in. I was finally beginning to learn why God created emotions, why we have them, and what they mean…at least I thought so. Last night the revelation square in the face and I could not have been more overjoyed!
Yesterday I had a long-awaited appointment to see an Internal Specialist about 40 minutes away. One of my friend’s family members knew a person who went to her to receive treatment for their Lyme Disease. “Finally!” I though, “Someone who knows about this disease and can diagnose and treat me!”
I walked away from that appointment more than disappointed. In fact, I was further away from an answer than I was with my family doctor who agreed with me that it was Tertiary (third stage) Lyme! I was fuming!
Needless to say, last night was a very sleepless night. I had gotten in bed around 12:30am or 1 and lay there until almost 2. I was angry…angry that the appointment didn’t live up to my expectations I had formed in three weeks of anticipation; angry that she didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear; angry that she was taking this so lightly. I have been sick for THREE MONTHS with symptoms that WON’T GO AWAY!
I was anxious…anxious because my local co-infections came back negative; anxious because my Complete Lyme Panel results from IGeneX were coming in the mail and a negative diagnosis will leave me with a $475 dollar bill (most likely not covered by insurance) and no answers; anxious because I do not know why my body is acting the way it is.
I was depressed…depressed because I can only do so much; depressed because when the CT scan and cardiac MRI came back normal, I asked God, “Where do I go from here?” and the same day the wife of the family I babysit for suggested Lyme. The disease kept showing up everywhere!; in games I played and on Christian message board forums where no one has posted about Lyme since I joined almost a year and a half ago. I described my symptoms to people with this disease and time after time they said my story sounds just like theirs!
Yet, I was having so much trouble getting my family doctor to respect and agree to my wishes. People I look up to very highly for spiritual guidance do not believe it is Lyme, but instead a spiritual issue (which I will agree with). Yet, here I am suffering daily, unable to do the things I could a week before I got sick. Why should I not believe there is something medically wrong with me as well?
I was depressed because it had been at least a month since I had gotten a word from God; depressed because he has promised me healing and it wasn’t happening fast enough; depressed because I have never been so confused in my life. Everything was conflicting- I didn’t know what was from God and what was not. When we were still investigating my heart and lungs, everything was meshing! I was getting words and revelations of healing at such a rapid rate and they were confirmed with CT scans and MRIs!
I wanted so badly to be sleeping last night but I couldn’t. I was sick of crying, so I turned on a movie, watched it, and cried some more. I decided it couldn’t hurt to read this week’s Bible study for at least the third time to prepare for discussion. I needed something to keep my mind off my sadness and get me sleepy.
That’s when it hit me.
I was elevating Godly desires (“…[A]ny specific result that depends on the cooperation of other people, the success of events or favorable circumstances you have no right or ability to control.”) to Godly goals (“…[A] specific orientation that reflects God’s purpose for your life and is not dependent on people or circumstances beyond your ability or right to control).
The books says, “...we will struggle with anger, anxiety, and depression when we elevate a desire to a goal in our own minds.” I was basing my state of mind and happiness on interactions, appointments, and results that were well beyond my control. I was taking his promise of healing and believing that through my own behavior and the cooperation of other people, a diagnosis would come sooner, and therefore my impending healing. It’s really hard to know you are promised health but never know when you are going to get it back.
Continued in "Learning the Difference Between Godly Goals and Godly Desires [Part Deux]"
A Revelation on 07/15/09 at 3 in the Morning
Last summer I started attending a local Bible Study held by some friends I went to high school with. This summer we are reading a book called Victory Over the Darkness by Neil T. Anderson. (It is a fantastic book; I highly recommend it.)
This week we are due to discuss chapter seven, which is entitled “You Can’t Live Beyond What You Believe.”
“Your Christian walk is the direct result of what you believe. If your faith is off, your walk will be off. If your walk is off, you need to take a good look at what you believe…[This] is the classic midlife crisis. You thought you understood well what constituted success, fulfillment, and satisfaction, but now you are discovering that what you had believed about life wasn’t quite true. The longer you persists in a faulty belief system, the less fulfilling and productive your daily walk of faith will be...”
We all walk by faith…it is impossible not to. The problem arises when we put our faith in the wrong things, which leads to faulty beliefs. When we believe something other than God’s truth, we most likely are going to feel emotions like anger, anxiety, and depression.
Growing up, I have always tried to suppress and deny my feelings. I never knew what emotions were good for, but I knew they made me feel weak and sharing them made me vulnerable. Therefore, I ignored, denied, suppressed, and redirected them in some very unhealthy ways. I prided myself in being strong. Strong as in not letting my emotions get the best of me; Strong by pushing them aside and pressing on with life; Strong because I didn’t need anyone (or so I thought); Strong because whenever I let my guard down and shared my emotions or let them show, I was rejected. I took pride in being emotionless and being called, and I quote, a “cold, heartless bitch.” Better than being an emotional drama queen aka a ‘typical woman.’ I never wanted to be associated with that stereotype.
I have read this chapter (seven) at least three times now and have not gotten anything significant out of it. Chapter 10 and beyond discussed emotions more in depth, which is what I was interested in. I was finally beginning to learn why God created emotions, why we have them, and what they mean…at least I thought so. Last night the revelation square in the face and I could not have been more overjoyed!
Yesterday I had a long-awaited appointment to see an Internal Specialist about 40 minutes away. One of my friend’s family members knew a person who went to her to receive treatment for their Lyme Disease. “Finally!” I though, “Someone who knows about this disease and can diagnose and treat me!”
I walked away from that appointment more than disappointed. In fact, I was further away from an answer than I was with my family doctor who agreed with me that it was Tertiary (third stage) Lyme! I was fuming!
Needless to say, last night was a very sleepless night. I had gotten in bed around 12:30am or 1 and lay there until almost 2. I was angry…angry that the appointment didn’t live up to my expectations I had formed in three weeks of anticipation; angry that she didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear; angry that she was taking this so lightly. I have been sick for THREE MONTHS with symptoms that WON’T GO AWAY!
I was anxious…anxious because my local co-infections came back negative; anxious because my Complete Lyme Panel results from IGeneX were coming in the mail and a negative diagnosis will leave me with a $475 dollar bill (most likely not covered by insurance) and no answers; anxious because I do not know why my body is acting the way it is.
I was depressed…depressed because I can only do so much; depressed because when the CT scan and cardiac MRI came back normal, I asked God, “Where do I go from here?” and the same day the wife of the family I babysit for suggested Lyme. The disease kept showing up everywhere!; in games I played and on Christian message board forums where no one has posted about Lyme since I joined almost a year and a half ago. I described my symptoms to people with this disease and time after time they said my story sounds just like theirs!
Yet, I was having so much trouble getting my family doctor to respect and agree to my wishes. People I look up to very highly for spiritual guidance do not believe it is Lyme, but instead a spiritual issue (which I will agree with). Yet, here I am suffering daily, unable to do the things I could a week before I got sick. Why should I not believe there is something medically wrong with me as well?
I was depressed because it had been at least a month since I had gotten a word from God; depressed because he has promised me healing and it wasn’t happening fast enough; depressed because I have never been so confused in my life. Everything was conflicting- I didn’t know what was from God and what was not. When we were still investigating my heart and lungs, everything was meshing! I was getting words and revelations of healing at such a rapid rate and they were confirmed with CT scans and MRIs!
I wanted so badly to be sleeping last night but I couldn’t. I was sick of crying, so I turned on a movie, watched it, and cried some more. I decided it couldn’t hurt to read this week’s Bible study for at least the third time to prepare for discussion. I needed something to keep my mind off my sadness and get me sleepy.
That’s when it hit me.
I was elevating Godly desires (“…[A]ny specific result that depends on the cooperation of other people, the success of events or favorable circumstances you have no right or ability to control.”) to Godly goals (“…[A] specific orientation that reflects God’s purpose for your life and is not dependent on people or circumstances beyond your ability or right to control).
The books says, “...we will struggle with anger, anxiety, and depression when we elevate a desire to a goal in our own minds.” I was basing my state of mind and happiness on interactions, appointments, and results that were well beyond my control. I was taking his promise of healing and believing that through my own behavior and the cooperation of other people, a diagnosis would come sooner, and therefore my impending healing. It’s really hard to know you are promised health but never know when you are going to get it back.
Continued in "Learning the Difference Between Godly Goals and Godly Desires [Part Deux]"
