Just Being "Nice"

[The Ü™]

is there something wrong with Mr Rodger's neighborhood?

Yes. The guy who ran it is dead. And so it doesn't exist anymore.

 

[Varelse]

Nice is irrelevant. Good is what matters. Though figuring out good is a whole 'nother mess.

 

[miss fortune]

if there were a bitch slap emoticon I'd be hurling it your way now Mister!

 

[The Ü™]

if there were a bitch slap emoticon I'd be hurling it your way now Mister!

Mister? Mister Rogers, you mean? It's not nice to slap ordained ministers. The only thing we can do with them is arrest them and place them in solitary confinement for the rest of their natural lives for the sexual evils they commit against innocent children.

 

[Varelse]

if there were a bitch slap emoticon I'd be hurling it your way now Mister!

There is this one:

 

[miss fortune]

Mister meaning you Mister Fuhrer! :steam:

 

[FemMecha]

Okay so forget about what "nice" people want or if it's important. This thread is about distinctions between different appearances of "nice", regardless of whether niceness is valued or whatever. So get back on the topic of niceness, darnit or I'll smash you like a puny little bug!! :steam:

So back on course, when you, the reader, are friendly to someone, how is it different if you are just being civil/sociable vs. when you are invested in the person in a deeper way?

 

[miss fortune]

I'm nice, but not deep and meaningful- I'll get an injured person anything that they need and help either get them to the hospital or fix them up, but I really suck at comforting them- I don't really have a nurturing bone in my body!

(and it was all Uber's fault! I had to defend Mr. Rogers' honor!)

 

[FemMecha]

I'm nice, but not deep and meaningful- I'll get an injured person anything that they need and help either get them to the hospital or fix them up, but I really suck at comforting them- I don't really have a nurturing bone in my body!

(and it was all Uber's fault! I had to defend Mr. Rogers' honor!)

cyber-hug for whatever.

*looks around for uber for some good 'ol squish squashing...*

Nah, I don't really care where the thread goes, but I am curious about how different people relate to the topic overall.

btw Mr. Rogers really means it when he says, "Won't you be my neighbor?".

 

[The Ü™]

I'm nice, but not deep and meaningful- I'll get an injured person anything that they need and help either get them to the hospital or fix them up, but I really suck at comforting them- I don't really have a nurturing bone in my body!

I've helped injured people before...Kevorkian style!

(and it was all Uber's fault! I had to defend Mr. Rogers' honor!)

Wait a second, you've helped him unbutton his sweaters before, haven't you?

 

[proteanmix]

Okay so forget about what "nice" people want or if it's important. This thread is about distinctions between different appearances of "nice", regardless of whether niceness is valued or whatever. So get back on the topic of niceness, darnit or I'll smash you like a puny little bug!! :steam:

So back on course, when you, the reader, are friendly to someone, how is it different if you are just being civil/sociable vs. when you are invested in the person in a deeper way?

When I'm being more than "just nice" I first have to feel like this is a person capable of a mutually satisfying connection. I have had people want to draw closer to me me and I've refused by keeping things superficial (but nice!). I've had people that I want to go deeper with refuse me as well. It seems like you've both got to want the same thing at the same time.

What I do when I want to make a stronger bridge is I start letting out more revealing personal information about myself that's not so deep that I can't snatch the lure back if the person doesn't seem responsive, but if they pick up on it and pursue or self-disclose as well it's a beginning. I also usually do more personal things for the person and give little gifts. This isn't anything that's extravagant, it can be as simple as bringing them a cup of coffee.

I made most of my close friends at college and at work. When I meet my college friends I'd want to spend time with them outside of class or keep in touch with them between semesters. Work friends I do the same thing, meet outside of the place we're forced to be.

So when I want to deepen a connection I do things for the person, I contact them more regularly, I self-disclose at a higher level (reveal my true thoughts, feelings, ideas on a matter, personal problems) and I start emoting on their behalf, more serious/forthcoming, and most importantly I ask them a lot of questions about themselves. I want to see how self-aware they are and how they think.

 

[Maverick]

How can one tell the difference when you are showing deeper personal connections vs. lighter social exchanges?

I've always thought that actions spoke louder than words, so that's how I usually try to tell the difference. There's a context that precedes deeper personal connections that usually involves a series of gestures.

 

[arcticangel02]

So back on course, when you, the reader, are friendly to someone, how is it different if you are just being civil/sociable vs. when you are invested in the person in a deeper way?

Hm, this is interesting to think about.

When I first read the question, my initial thoughts were that there isn't a difference. I seem to interact the same with strangers and friends. But no, as I thought about it, I realised that there are differences, though they're subtle, and someone watching me may not notice.

With a stranger/acquaintance, I tend to be polite and attentive (although my actual recall is soo poor), and respond more to what they're saying than come up with things to say to them. Most people talk enough for the both of us, anyway. I smile and chuckle and do all the right things, but somehow... I don't know how to describe it, but I'm not really engaged with the person I'm talking to... I just appear to be.

With friends, I'm more casual and informal. I talk more. I'm not afraid to be silly or juvenile or random. So I probably come across as less attentive and absorbed in what the other person is saying, because I'm enjoying myself more, too.

Whenever I compliment, I always base it in fact - I feel like I'm lying if I make a compliment up out of nowhere. Even if I don't mean the compliment that sincerely. I don't recall ever being dismissed as just being 'nice', though. So I guess for the most part it comes across as fairly genuine.

Although I actually feel like I'm missing the question a little, to be honest.

 

[Hirsch63]

Well, I try to engage in basic cordiality throughout the day, to Say "hello" or give a wave. I don't go out of my way to do this...only if someone looks my way or I can't avoid it. Cordiality requires no "investment" from either party...It is just a little oil for the social machine...

Being "nice" goes a little beyond being cordial. I believe the difference is going a liitle further towards actively engaging/considering the others POV or emotional condition. Nice is then a very basic form of empathy, one that would not imply over-familiarity, but frank concern. "Fake" nice-ness is worth less than cordiality and in some ways is an act of passive aggression and is of course just plain dishonest.

Friendly behaviour assumes that I would like to get to know the person in any situation and learn more about them. Friendly behaviour involves a level of trust that can be subjective...sometimes I am wrong and mis-judge the potential for a real exchange between equals. I do not indulge in friendship lightly...but I can be quite casually cordial and nice. Once I have established a friendship there is little that I would not do for a friend. This has led to some disappointments.

I believe that social interactions are basically economic exchanges. We each set our own exchange rate...Perhaps we interact best with another when our rates of exchange are mutually beneficial.

But you cannot control what others will do or how they will respond to your attentions at any level. You can just be who you are...put it out there and see what happens. Hope for the best for everyone.