[ISFJ] ISFJs and being taken for granted

[Giggly]

I have this problem and I imagine other ISFJs have it too. How might ISFJs change the pattern of being taken for granted by their friends and family?

 

[highlander]

I have this problem and I imagine other ISFJs have it too. How might ISFJs change the pattern of being taken for granted by their friends and family?

This is a very good question and I'll start out by saying I'm not entirely sure. Some possible thoughts:

- Don't take so much on as your responsibility
- Let people take care of themselves more
- Learn to delegate
- Draw more solid lines of what kind of behavior you're going to accept from others and what you won't; stick to them

 

[IZthe411]

This is a very good question and I'll start out by saying I'm not entirely sure. Some possible thoughts:

- Don't take so much on as your responsibility
- Let people take care of themselves more
- Learn to delegate
- Draw more solid lines of what kind of behavior you're going to accept from others and what you won't; stick to them

When I think of 2 ISFJs that I know well- these things immediately come to mind.

My one boy wants to be the 'hero' all the time. He has to learn to say 'no' and be okay with it. And understand that people would rather hear No than hear a Yes and you fail to deliver or underdeliver.

 

[IZthe411]

There was also one of those Fe threads that was floating around that shows this is largely an IxFJ things moreso than ISFJ.

 

[rav3n]

Might be any number of issues.

It might possibly be a difference in language of love. If you give a certain way and they return in another form, does the other form make you feel validated in your efforts? Do you understand their language of love?
It might possibly be giving with the expectation of equal return without explaining this to the interacting person.
It might possibly be giving too much with no boundaries so there's nothing left for yourself. If so, why do you give to people who don't appreciate it? Pull back.
It might possibly be a combination of some of the above.

Anyways, all of this is within your control to change.

 

[Synarch]

I have this problem and I imagine other ISFJs have it too. How might ISFJs change the pattern of being taken for granted by their friends and family?

I've been working through some stuff and reading about codependency. One thing that really helped me was realizing how important it is to respect boundaries. Both for yourself and others. Respecting your own right to have boundaries and the boundaries of others. Caring for your side of the street and LETTING others care for their side of the street. Also, the idea of starting with yourself as the focus of the problem solving. Too often it is easy to see the other people as the problem, but if you handle your side of the equation the other side will resolve itself.

 

[Giggly]

A lot of food for thought.

 

[lapalm]

Hey!

I ventured over here because I think my mom is an ISFJ.

We have gotten along for the most part. We both hate conflict and tend to just forgive and forget, so on that scale we've been good.

But I find that my dad and my siblings at times take advantage of my poor mom. Part of me is sympathetic and very in tune with that, and part of me wants to shake her and say "Stand up for yourself! do what you want to do. Live for yourself. Stop worrying about everyone else" but that is just in her nature.

I am new to typology so I am just going off what I feel is her type but here is what I would say:

-Don't be afraid to say what you want. It's ok to make a decision that might not make everyone else happy. That scares me too, actually.
-Don't automatically assume people are depending on you...my mom does this. And we definitely do depend on her and expect things of her, but I think it is because she lets us. Take care of yourself, and put yourself first
-Don't feel guilty for not fulfilling others' needs
-Accept it when people want to do something for you

Hm, that is all. Again this is what I would say to my mom. I love her to death, but also would love to see her happy making herself happy.

 

[Giggly]

^ Thank you.

 

[skylights]

i highly suspect my grandma is an ISFJ, and for her, i think this one:

- Let people take care of themselves more

the SFJs i know seem to worry what will happen if they are not there. on one hand, they keep our family, social groups, work relationships together, they form the "glue" between everyone and help things flow so smoothly.

on the other - if they are not there, then people will have to learn what it is like without them. i came to appreciate my ESFJ mom about 1000 times more when i was in college learning how to do everything on my own for the first time. i missed her, but i was also able to see what i was missing - i didn't realize it before because she had just always been there. it's sometimes hard to realize how much SFJs do for you when it harmonizes into life so well.

so, yeah. i think that if you're feeling used, you could try letting others just "be" on their own for a little bit. it might seem a little cruel, but every individual is really quite equipped to handle life by themselves. and once they experience that, they can voluntarily come back to you with new appreciation.

 

[Orangey]

learn to say 'no' and be okay with it.

I agree with this. My father is an ISFJ, and his biggest problem is that he never says no to requests on his time, money, and/or energy. My ISTJ mother doesn't like taking him shopping, for instance, because he will seriously be talked into buying every last thing the sales person offers. It's not because he's naive, but rather because he really does feel bad for them. He's always like, "well, this is how they make commission money. I don't want to deny them that..."

 

[southern_lawyer]

I agree with this. My father is an ISFJ, and his biggest problem is that he never says no to requests on his time, money, and/or energy. My ISTJ mother doesn't like taking him shopping, for instance, because he will seriously be talked into buying every last thing the sales person offers. It's not because he's naive, but rather because he really does feel bad for them. He's always like, "well, this is how they make commission money. I don't want to deny them that..."

This is me, haha. I hate letting people down! Let's just say it's good I live in a small town and am hours away from the Galleria. I would be in bad shape if my trips weren't so limited, ha.

I have a good friend whose Mom is an ISFJ and for years was taken for granted by her kids and people at her job. She is an elementary principal. She is like a second mother to me and is one of the kindest people I know. I remember growing up her kids were so rude to her and she did everything for them. She had a full time job, and still cleaned their rooms and put their folded clothes away. My friend was impossible to get up and every morning through the fifth grade she would have to carry him from the bed to the breakfast table! It was always an eye opening experience for me to go to their house because my friend would often tell her to "shut up" and be very rude and he never really got in trouble. It was shocking to me coming from a house where I once told my Mom to "be quiet" and got slapped into the last week. My INFJ Mom has always taken everything so, so personally, so being used to that and going to my buddy's house was different. Her husband is really easygoing so I never really noticed him taking her too much for granted, although she went several Christmases without anything under the family tree. However, a few years ago, there was a situation with her school Superintendent who had taken advantage of her for years and the school board got involved, and what seemed over night, she changed her whole demeanor. She finally began sticking up for herself when mistreated and asserting herself, as well as expressing her regrets of how she raised her kids, i.e., spoiling them too much and not instilling in them respect for her. She is still as nice as can be, though. My friend in recent years is realizing how much he has taken her for granted and has actually developed a good relationship with her.

 

[Habba]

Being taken for granted.. if you think about what it means for a moment, you might figure out the following:

- People give little credit to your opinion, and expect you to adjust... like you always do.
- People don't think you as a problem maker, and thus are not afraid to make decisions that are not beneficial for you.
- They often expect you to do your thing for free, because you never ask anything in return.

So, in order not be taken grated for:

- Attract attention
- State your opinions, strongly
- Challenge authorities
- Demand what's rightfully yours
- Do not babysit other people behind their back, let them sort out their own problems.

I think everything I listed here has to do with assertiveness. I think it's the one skill that ISFJ lacks the most.

 

[Giggly]

^ That's an interesting take, Habba. I just wish I had less fear in general. Sometimes I feel riddled with it and just pray for someone to help me. I guess that's the opposite of what I should be doing.