[ISFJ] ISFJ Personality Traits - What does an unhealthy ISFJ look like?

[wordvarc]

• Subtle guilt trips through self-victimization
• Actively being a paragon of virtue, to use as leverage later ("If I'm perfect, then you have no excuse to be upset with me.")
• Generally passive-aggressive (occasionally downright aggressive if they feel justified or people they love are threatened)
• Self-pity/withdrawal/self-castigation
• Mentally able to block out things they don't want to address (denial and repression)
• Can keep record of wrongs easily
• Prone to wild speculation when things are forced outside the box (i.e., weak N abilities)

Those are the things I generally have experienced.

Well put.

 

[Mort Belfry]

What does an unhealthy ISFJ look like?

Like a mongoose digesting a car battery.

 

[zago]

• Subtle guilt trips through self-victimization
• Actively being a paragon of virtue, to use as leverage later ("If I'm perfect, then you have no excuse to be upset with me.")
• Generally passive-aggressive (occasionally downright aggressive if they feel justified or people they love are threatened)
• Self-pity/withdrawal/self-castigation
• Mentally able to block out things they don't want to address (denial and repression)
• Can keep record of wrongs easily
• Prone to wild speculation when things are forced outside the box (i.e., weak N abilities)

Those are the things I generally have experienced.

Extremely well-put. You must know an ISFJ like this too

 

[Angry Ayrab]

My mom is an ISFJ, they are amazing people.

I just don't get the following:

1. How can you live with 8 males in a house and put up with their nasty slobbiness, continue to clean every day even when you are sick and are on so many pain killers to numb your back and all hell is going on around you.

2. How can you just put up with doing shit for people for so long, she ironed and washed my clothes, cooked my food, always put my shit where I can find it and did it for all my brothers and my dad for so effing long.

3. When you are pissed about something and say it 20 times, how do you manage to repeat it for the next three hours without tyring?

 

[ZiL]

3. When you are pissed about something and say it 20 times, how do you manage to repeat it for the next three hours without tyring?

I will second that inquiry! My mom in an ISFJ as well, and man, when she unleashes all of her pent up feelings it is like a 5 hour dip in the freezing-cold swimming pool of depression. She's been annoyed with her boss lately, and it seems that for 3 or 4 months now, every night devolves into a bitching session about "why do they hate me so much to give me this or that task." She definitely resents not being appreciated. And it's impossible to argue with her without her framing you as the bad guy, shifting the attention away from the issue at hand to a "why are you being so mean to me" situation. I love my mom and she does so much for me, but when things go sour it's absolutely infuriating because it's as if we're in separate communication universes.

One of my guy friends is ISFJ as well. When he is in a bad mood he will passively-aggressively guilt trip you to no end. And he'll just be generally mean.

 

[violaine]

Does anyone, esp any ISFJs, have any helpful tips for how I would best interact with an unhealthy ISFJ? I have someone in my life who is really unhealthy and have to see her quite regularly.

She is amongst other things:
- Extremely perfectionistic, almost to the point of it being a sickness imo (this actually makes me feel for her and it's why I want to do something to improve our relationship).
- Martyr complex
- Very little to no sympathy for anyone else, much sympathy for herself
- Thinks people are "out to get her" when they are not
- Dismissive of others whose lifestyle isn't in tune with hers
- Criticism makes her cry
- Self-righteous
- Extremely concerned with the appearance of things
- Extreme frustration and anger always just below the surface, which she usually expresses by crying

How do I reach the mellow side of her, if that's even what I should be doing? She takes any disagreement as a personal affront, so it's pretty hard to reason with her when she's being 'judgemental'.

Then after all of the above she will turn around and do something wonderful for you... and it feels like total manipulation.

EDIT: I should add that Jennifer's list of things she has experienced holds true for her as well.

 

[Anja]

I had lunch with one a couple of weeks ago.

When we requested to sit in a certain area, the greeter's response was one of irritation.

I reworded my preference to a tad more firmness and he reluctantly led us to our chosen table.

She smiled through the whole interaction and I thought she hadn't even noticed the little clash there.

A week or so later I overheard her talking about it to someone else and she was going on about how rude he was and she was pretty offended by the whole little interchange!

Surprised me.

 

[ArbiterDewey]

I read through this thread, and, after realizing I had nothing to contribute, noticed that no other ISTJs had posted here either...

Fun

 

[Giggly]

I had lunch with one a couple of weeks ago.

When we requested to sit in a certain area, the greeter's response was one of irritation.

I reworded my preference to a tad more firmness and he reluctantly led us to our chosen table.

She smiled through the whole interaction and I thought she hadn't even noticed the little clash there.

A week or so later I overheard her talking about it to someone else and she was going on about how rude he was and she was pretty offended by the whole little interchange!

Surprised me.

Ahahaha!

 

[BerberElla]

Alot of this sounds like my ISFJ friend, the self sacrificing, refusing to speak up when people are taking advantage, stuff like that.

However the most unhealthy thing I have seen is that she is stuck in the past, continuously mourning a long forgotten past that is never coming back, and continuing to be a martyr to a love long buried. (one that from my understanding did not break down completely due to her, and yet she takes 100% of the blame onto herself)

I can get stuck in the past but I can make myself bounce out by reminding myself that nothing will ever turn back time, I feel that whenever I am trying to lift her out of that negative state or rememberence I am embarking on an impossible task because absolutely nothing I have ever said has ever helped her let go of that.

Also she is extremely paranoid about being cheated on, it consumes her current relationship. She is sure that he will cheat, she has plenty of reason to believe this of course but her attitude is to remain the nice one, to not realy say anything, to continue to self sacrifice and take care of all his little needs, to keep him fed and content, so that when he does cheat (no way will he not as far as she is concerned) she can then be the "nice one" and in no way to blame for the break up of the relationship.

 

[Anja]

I was glad to read your post, BerberElla, because I think that's what I was seeing and trying to verbalize.

Obviously in her conversation with this other person my ISFJ was extremely invested in getting to sit where we wanted, but she gave no outward sign in the presence of the greeter.

For a matter of fact I felt as though she was observing me being assertive with him with some discomfort or even disapproval.

Then to carry on like that nearly two weeks later made me wonder why she was still carrying that little molehill around with her. There had been no problem at all from my perspective.

I asked for what we wanted.

Was put off
Asked again.
Got it.

All taken care of.

I wondered if she had trouble asking for what she needed/wanted.

Then there is that carrying the past around with her in a troubled manner. Oh dear.

 

[Giggly]

^ she could have been just mirroring you after the fact and not really cared when it happened.

 

[Anja]

I suppose that's a possibility, Hmm.

So then what would that be all about?

Trying on a new persona?

Stewing about a perceived offense - see that's how I interpreted it.

Lacking in immediacy?

Tell me more about how you see it?

 

[Giggly]

Trying on a new persona?

I would call it delayed empathizing. Which I guess is annoying still.

 

[Giggly]

Okay, it seems like I'm currently the only active ISFJ on this forum so forgive me if I can't get to all of you who have problems with ISFJ's but I'll try.

Admittedly, a lot of the stuff in this thread I can't relate to.

 

[Anja]

Well, gee. Looking at it that way makes it kind of a left-handed compliment!

But I didn't have that vociferous affect going on. Heh.

I want to say something about "annoying."

I'd want to look at it more as an area that could use improvement in the health department. It's sometimes difficult but I like to look at personal "flaws" as undeveloped areas and try to keep the judgement factor out.

With varying degrees of success. . .

 

[Anja]

Just missed your last post. You are the only one!

Some courage to face this one, brave Girl.

Glad you don't relate to them all!

 

[Giggly]

Also she is extremely paranoid about being cheated on, it consumes her current relationship. She is sure that he will cheat, she has plenty of reason to believe this of course but her attitude is to remain the nice one, to not realy say anything, to continue to self sacrifice and take care of all his little needs, to keep him fed and content, so that when he does cheat (no way will he not as far as she is concerned) she can then be the "nice one" and in no way to blame for the break up of the relationship.

First off, let me just say that there is nothing wrong with her being nice to the guy she is with now if he is being nice to her as well. But more importantly, regardless of type, when a person has been cheated on, it takes them a while to get over that psychologically. If your friend likes the guy she is with and he continues to be faithful to her, eventually she will see it for what it is and stop being so paranoid.

 

[swordpath]

An unhealthy ISFJ? Just study 'Hmm' a little bit.

 

[BerberElla]

First off, let me just say that there is nothing wrong with her being nice to the guy she is with now if he is being nice to her as well. But more importantly, regardless of type, when a person has been cheated on, it takes them a while to get over that psychologically. If your friend likes the guy she is with and he continues to be faithful to her, eventually she will see it for what it is and stop being so paranoid.[/QUOTE

I agree, I wasn't saying that this was specifically type related (the fear about cheating if it has happened before) it's more that she is so nice to him inspite of him giving her nothing but reasons to stick up for herself. (which of course she doesn't)

She has also verbally told me that she intends to carry on being as nice as pie so that when it's over he can't say anything bad about her.

She intends to carry on laying in the lumpy bed they have made together rather than talk to him about the problems. Being the nice one is so important to her.

I hope with all of my heart that it works out for her, she is my closest friend that I have ever had and I love her to pieces, but I want my ISFJ back, I want her to stick up for herself.

She was the one who gave me the courage to leave a very unhealthy and damaging part of my life behind, she has stood by me in court, she has protected me physically from my ex husband, she was a strong woman. Where has that gone now? This game playing nice nice attitude is hurting her more than him and not achieving what she hopes it will achieve.

How do I help her see she is playing a game in which she will only end up getting more hurt?


(anyway sorry for the thread sort of jacking )