[ISTJ] Is there an "Ask an ISTJ" thread?

[Yama]

I had some questions for you guys but I can't find a thread like that anywhere.

 

[stone]

I had some questions for you guys but I can't find a thread like that anywhere.

I used the forum search tools and can't find one, but since this is your thread feel free to ask some questions here.

 

[Yama]

I used the forum search tools and can't find one, but since this is your thread feel free to ask some questions here.

I'll pass this thread off to you then!
What do you like the most about your friends? What bothers you the most about people/what are your biggest pet peeves? Also, what is the best way to help/support you when you're going through tough times?

 

[Habba]

What do you like the most about your friends?

I like my friends easy. What's easy? I believe it's a state of mind in which nothing is a problem. It's when people decide to be flexible and less self-absorbed. It doesn't mean I would not help my friends if they are in trouble. It doesn't mean I wouldn't go the extra mile to help them. But I like me friends when they are optimistic and problem solving (rather than problem causing).

What bothers you the most about people/what are your biggest pet peeves?

Insecurity and time spent contemplating the past or possible failures. People being apologetic and defensive. If you make a mistake, fix it and move on. If someone else makes a mistake, help to fix it and move on. We all make mistakes and we all should keep making mistakes because they help us better ourselves.

Also, what is the best way to help/support you when you're going through tough times?

This one is difficult. I'm pretty self reliant and value independent. I place little value on praise of other people. But perhaps I find it most consolidating when I hear other people dealing with the same problems but having a different take on it. But I'm not looking for peer support (I have no problem being alone with my problem), but rather new perspective (which would help me get past difficult problems I have, which usually are caused by of my own perspective).


So why are you asking, what's your problem with an ISTJ?

 

[Yama]

So why are you asking, what's your problem with an ISTJ?

Oh, I have no problems with them at all! My best friend is an ISTJ. I was asking because I was hoping to get some more insight about how he and others of his type think vs. how I do and your answers have been very helpful. I can't ask him because he refuses to find MBTI interesting and would just ignore me if I asked. He's a stubborn one, but I love him

My last question I mainly asked because, in the dynamic between me and my ISTJ, he is very emotionally private so when he's going through something tough he usually does it alone. There was one time a long time ago back in our junior year of high school where he DID surprisingly reach out to me (over IM) because he found out something really troubling about what his "friends" thought about him. So I assured him that those "friends" were assholes for treating him like that and that even though I couldn't make it better I'd always be there for him. Yeah... we never EVER talk about that but I think that's the moment he "picked" me as his bff, lol!

I may come up with more questions later to ask you, if you don't mind.

 

[stone]

I'll pass this thread off to you then!
What do you like the most about your friends?

It depends on the particular friend and how close they are, but each must be honourable and genuine.

What bothers you the most about people/what are your biggest pet peeves?

I hate any form of drama and will quickly cut off those who create it. My biggest pet leave is food related: people who chew with their mouths open or slurping drinks.

Also, what is the best way to help/support you when you're going through tough times?

For me the best thing is to leave me alone but to be aware of the issue; that means don't put anything else on my plate. I prefer to deal with my own issues unless I determine that my requirements have changed or that there is an issue I can't fix but somebody else could.

 

[blumercury]

Can I add my question to the thread? =)

I'm pretty sure my crush is an ISTJ. He's in his late 30's and I'm 25, INTP. We're in the military and he outranks me by a couple of stripes. He seems to have been single for quite a while and isn't the best at talking to women. He's always kind of guarded.

When I first started liking him he seemed interested in me and was usually sweet and flirty with me when our superiors weren't around. About 6 months later I told him how I felt through a card and asked him if he wanted to get some food together. He pulled me aside later to say that he appreciated me telling him and that it took courage but that we couldn't be together because of our ranks (at the time I was 3 ranks under him) and to just forget everything and move on. I spent the next few months being aloof while trying to forget him, trying to hide or avoid him but still polite. He kept appearing around me more and trying to get me to talk to him. I eventually ranked up (and could therefore date him) and aside from his other behaviors I noticed that he was protective of me and stood up for me. He doesn't spend time with other women outside of work unless it's during lunch with other people and he treats them all the same as the men. So it's pretty obvious to me when his voice gets softer around me or he picks me out of everyone else in the room to ask if I'm doing okay or something.

As I was trying to get over him I ended up going on some dates with a guy but ended up not really feeling it and moved on. I was telling this to a friend one day and he blurted out something about me having a boyfriend right when my crush was walking by. I told my friend that he was not my bf. My crush is known to be pretty sarcastic and harsh with his words but he had been pretty gentle with me usually. After that outburst about the bf though, he was mean. The whole day he was like that and everyone noticed it.

What are any ISTJ thoughts on this situation? Does this sound like something I should address with him or something I should just leave alone? It's really hard for me to get over him when he is acting like this and I don't want him to string me along if he's just looking for attention. But I also don't want to step on his heart if this is his way of trying to get my attention. =(

 

[Tellenbach]

From your description of the situation, your crush probably likes you.

I'd be very hesitant to pursue a relationship at work because it could blow up and create an awkward atmosphere in the future. You may want to ask him if this is the case.

 

[stone]

[MENTION=24653]blumercury[/MENTION]
He is very likely intrigued by you. I say that because he probably has many issues with the concept of a relationship with you, (rank issues, dating on base and your age), but you have guts and he may struggle with things, (this might be accentuated by his relative inexperience with women). It can turn into a kind of "yo-yo effect" where he may be very hot and cold towards you in a sense, as he struggles internally to deal with the all the possible negative consequences: this is the curse of inferior Ne.

 

[cameo]

I guess this is a bit of an older thread, but in terms of whether there's an "Ask an ISTJ" thread, I would be happy to contribute answers to any questions!

 

[Pionart]

I'll pass this thread off to you then!
What do you like the most about your friends?

A lot of the time, I like people who like me.
Not judging me negatively for who I am, but at the same time giving me honest insight into myself.
Being able to discuss ideas, and appreciating my contribution.
Not minding that I don't say much, and if I do manage to say something, listening and not talking over the top of me.
I like kind people with good morals.

What bothers you the most about people/what are your biggest pet peeves?

Dishonest/manipulative tactics, such as talking about me behind my back and not ever saying anything directly to me or otherwise intentionally hiding the truth from me when doing so hurts me.
People who take advantage of my lack of confidence and kindness to push me around.
When people take advantage of anyone, knowing/assuming that there will not be ramifications for themselves.

Also, what is the best way to help/support you when you're going through tough times?

For me, I tend to have a lot of thoughts about things like if something is wrong with me, if something is going on that I don't know about, if something bad will happen etc. I need someone who can give me insight into what the truth is behind these thoughts.
I need to be reminded that, whatever bad place I am in, that is not where I will stay and things will, or at least can improve if I try.
Also you can't take it too personally if I push you away when I am feeling bad or if I say something hurtful, because my perception of how things are is at the time very skewed and I would never do that under normal circumstances, so be forgiving (though if you are the sort of person to engage in behaviours listed in pet peeves, I may have just decided you are a toxic person and chosen to distance myself for more rational reasons).
Tell me good things about myself, but only if they are honest (as mentioned before, I do not like dishonesty, and if you are telling me a lie about myself then that is going to hurt me). For example, if you do enjoy my words or company then let me know, so I can feel that I am more important to you than I give myself credit for. Likewise, telling me when I am doing something wrong will be of great assistance. Basically be truthful with me, the good and the bad.

This is what I can think of for now.

 

[grenouille]

I have a brief romantic question. My ISTJ boyfriend and I have been dating for two years, and during that entire time, he has never said he loves me or much of anything else that might be construed as deeply emotional. He has, however, asked me to move in with him when I graduate with my AA degree (in about one year), and has taken me on a two week long vacation during which he insisted on paying for almost everything, and introduced me to his sister and her family (but not his parents, for reasons he gets really touchy about. He says he doesn't get along with them; end of story). I know he cares, and I'm wondering if him not saying he loves me is more semantics than a huge issue. I am almost afraid to ask him, because if he said no, that would really hurt. Ugh. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Yama]

I have a brief romantic question. My ISTJ boyfriend and I have been dating for two years, and during that entire time, he has never said he loves me or much of anything else that might be construed as deeply emotional. He has, however, asked me to move in with him when I graduate with my AA degree (in about one year), and has taken me on a two week long vacation during which he insisted on paying for almost everything, and introduced me to his sister and her family (but not his parents, for reasons he gets really touchy about. He says he doesn't get along with them; end of story). I know he cares, and I'm wondering if him not saying he loves me is more semantics than a huge issue. I am almost afraid to ask him, because if he said no, that would really hurt. Ugh. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I'm no ISTJ but my best friend is, and he's not a spokesperson for the type of course, but he is the type who expresses love entirely in actions and pretty much never in words. He just finds the words too awkward. He feels a lot and he feels it pretty intensely but it is very private for him. Is this the same for other ISTJs?

 

[Habba]

To me it was a big thing to say "love" out loud. I'm not entirely sure why, but I think it has to do with being vulnerable. To me it's of utmost importance to be a steadfast and ever supporting person of safety. Being vulnerable and safe don't go easily hand in hand. At older age I have found the confidence to be open about what I love without actually being vulnerable.

Besides, words are cheap. Cooking a meal takes time and dedication.

has taken me on a two week long vacation during which he insisted on paying for almost everything

My ISTJ boyfriend [...] has taken me on a two week long vacation during which he insisted on paying for almost everything.

Funny thing, it never worked out for me whenever I'd pay date's dinner. Those relationships would always end rather quickly. Whenever I didn't offer to pay, it always worked better.

ISTJs like being supporting and providing. In some relationships little too much, to a point of being patronizing. Later on they might use it as a weapon ("I paid your expenses, you are mine now"). Better not base your relationships on that.

 

[Tellenbach]

My ISTJ boyfriend and I have been dating for two years, and during that entire time, he has never said he loves me or much of anything else that might be construed as deeply emotional.

This problem should be sorted out asap. It might be a cultural quirk or how he was raised, but you really should let him know that it's bothering you. It's entirely possible that the guy is a jerk or a sociopath.

 

[grenouille]

Lol, I have known him for two years, and am absolutely certain that he's neither. He's a really kind, supportive person, if also quiet and sarcastic, and was raised in a Methodist family (but is now agnostic). He has not had a speeding ticket since age 18, and is now 38; he has also held a job in the same company for the past ten years. I am no expert in psychology, but I do know that sociopaths are not noted for their consistency in much of anything aside from their own self-interest, and generally use charm to con their way into getting what they want. Although I wouldn't go so far as to say he isn't charming, he is very blunt yet polite and does not see the point in sugar-coating things. As for being a jerk, everyone is at some point. But if he occasionally is, at least he's not a lying jerk.

People tend to throw around the word "sociopath" a little too freely these days.

 

[grenouille]

Thanks for your reply, it was really helpful and made sense from what I know of him. We generally take turns paying for stuff, or did before I went back to school. He is aware I'm dealing with student loans and getting financing for my program, so that's part of it.

I know you guys are not all exactly the same person, but it does help to get feedback from someone who knows the thought process behind the behavioral patterns.

 

[wakeangel]

So can I ask a question about ISTJ?

I am dating an ISTJ male, and recently found out my tattoo artist is also ISTJ. This is complicated for me as an INTJ because I don't like dealing with feelings but I have been realizing that a lot of paranoid thoughts I have been having are stemming from the fact that I do feel very "in tune" with my tattoo guy, and last time I went he seemed pretty irritable / frustrated with me because I never talk to him much. So, I decided OK I will be appreciative of what you've done for me, and I got him a card for his birthday and gave him my Wolverine Dog Tags (legit movie replica - because I identify with Rouge and have plans on getting a tattoo of her. I was hoping he would understand the reference - I like the relationship between Rouge and Wolverine because they have similar wounds, and seem to understand each other / get into each others heads without intending to so they kinda have this "friendship" throughout the series.) So yeah. he said thank you, and we chatted a bit on FB, and he said he would rather talk to me in person than on FB, so I said OK we can talk at the next appointment for my tattoo to be finished. I just feel like there are a ton of subconscious / underlying feelings going on and I hate feeling like someone might have an inadvertent influence over me so I want this shit sorted out and settled and decided so I don't feel on edge about it.

I've been asking him off and on for probably 6 months to do the MTBI test, and he just took it and typed as an ISTJ. So I was pretty psyched by it because I've got a ton of abstract theories that make complete sense to me and I started chatting excitedly about the type and asking him questions, and explaining the differences in our personality. He pretty much stopped responding to me. I know that because he is an "S" instead of an "N" that most of the information I get will be non-verbal, because I've learned a TON from my man about just "being" in reality from being around his "sensing" type. The problem here is, I am super sensitive to rejection, and I really want to be friends with my tattoo guy, because I feel like he actually understands a lot of my craziness, and he's kinda been there and listened to me. First, I know as a female this is can be rough territory - some guys just want to be friends with "hot chicks" because they think they are gonna get laid. I do not think this guy is like that. He's just as deep and serious as I am, and that's why I am so psyched someone in the area can relate to me. But he just stopped responding to me at all. Now I have no idea what to think, so I basically just told him that I was gonna stop "running at the mouth" and wait until the next appointment which is June 13th.

WTF, I am so confused so I've basically just decided not to say anything to him at all and just put it out of my head because I have no idea what to think. I don't share my theories with just anyone and the fact that he said nothing at all is kind of insulting and hurtful to me. But in the same, it's been my experience that ISTJ males don't know wtf to do with me. They just watch me and listen. It's infuriating. Why can't they fucking talk or at least say something so I don't feel like I am word-vomiting and making a fool of myself? HAAALLLPP!!

 

[cameo]

Welp--I guess it's been a few weeks now so maybe the most appropriate thing would be to begin by asking how things have gone since you posted this, as I am curious. Care to give an update?