mrcockburn, i love you for that post.
slowriot said:
I personally have been raised in the conservative way where it is expected of the man to take the lead, but not in a way where I would dominate and control my spouse. It will be a relationship based on common respect and humility when it comes to ones weak spots. Plus for me pragmatic I think that the responsibility of having to take the lead for our relationships wellbeing would be help me develope as a person. So Im looking for a girl that can respect me as much to not take the lead when I fail but encourage me to take the lead.
slowriot, the thing that's really funny to me about your proposed situation is that i would probably really enjoy that relationship construct, because i'm kind of laid back and don't feel any huge need to lead in general - i enjoy and feel like i am quite productive in a more supportive role - but i could not handle that structure because of your reasons for it.
i think we can agree that in most relationships one partner takes a more proactive role and the other takes a more supportive role. for example, in my parents' relationship, my INTP dad is more supportive and my ESFJ mom more proactive, but their decisions are made very much together. my mom does not proceed forward on big family decisions without his approval, nor him without hers. in this case i think it's more of a J-P difference. my mom is a mover and a shaker; dad is a thinker. dad provides more of the income, but mom does more of the practical, day-to-day legwork and planning. neither of them has a leg up over the other and both compromise to meet the other. it just works out. and i assume one day i will be the more supportive partner in a marriage since i am naturally drawn to more assertive people. i am quite happy with that. it will allow us both to flourish.
however, it's sounding like you want to be the lead in the relationship mostly because of insecurity... i don't hear you cite any religious reasons nor personal preferences for it. and i think it's going to be really difficult to find a partner who is happy with you taking the lead because you are insecure. i trust people to lead because they are good at acting in ways that account for everyone, because they are proactive and assertive, because they are stable and confident. because they are moving
toward something, not running away from something. i do respect your desire to improve yourself via being a leader - i have done the same thing - and i also understand your desire not to end up powerless or distanced. that would be an awful situation. still, it sounds like you're coming to any potential relationship with an inherent distrust of your partner - a suspicion that she may, if not kept under close check, someday overpower you - and that is, ironically, almost guaranteed to destroy any otherwise potentially healthy marriage. it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
just for the sake of psychological theorizing, at the core of distrust for your partner probably lies distrust for yourself. theoretically it would stand that you don't trust yourself to be able to stop a proactive, assertive woman from shutting you off or emasculating you, thus you need this structure to make up for your personal deficiencies. you need it to protect yourself, or at least to help make you more capable, and that, again ironically, will distance you all on its own. counterintuitively, trust yourself and trust your partner, and the cycle will be broken.
but that is just theorizing. it could be something entirely else.
Misty_Mountain_Rose said:
Small habits that I've picked up over the years that were hard for me:
[...]
- Trying not to cuss like a sailor
me too.