[INFP] INFPs & attracting broken people....& then not anymore

[Anew Leaf]

I know this has been discussed before....but so has everything else .

INFPs (and other NFs, why not!), do you find you attract broken/unstable people?

I've always attracted the (bad) weirdos, the underdogs, the rejects, aaaand the broken people. The thing is, I generally don't appear approachable or friendly (although I am), yet some signal must be going out that I'm empathetic & understanding, and not turned off by awkwardness or strangeness. I also give the benefit of the doubt and can "over-empathize" or exercise what I call "misplaces sympathy". Sometimes this means allowing someone in my life that I should've rejected from the get-go. It's not always pity, but willingness to put up with a lot of crap from someone if I determine something else that's valuable about them (boy does this apply to sooo many INTXs I've known).

However, I find this less common now in recent years, and maybe it's a sign that I am more stable. Maybe I'm not giving out "I'll endure your creepiness" vibes.

Anyone else go from attracting these types to simply not?

It's not even that I weed them out now, but I don't even seem to attract them as much. Obviously, this is good, but it's also struck me as odd.

I think, honestly, it isn't just an NF or INFP thing... I think like attracts like. If you have low self-esteem, have problems... you are more likely to stick to someone else who has the same issues. Conversely if you have yourself together... you are more likely than not to attract that same kind of person into your life.

This was a problem of my own in my twenties. Experience, getting a bit older, and spending time on myself helped bring me around to a much healthier and happier place. During this process I sort of naturally picked up a group of friends who are healthy, and I disengaged myself from the ones who aren't healthy.

Some of that process was because I shifted how I get self-esteem. Before, I felt like I wasn't a "good" person unless I helped people... and helping people meant I listened to their problems, and I didn't judge them, and I let them be as sad as they wanted to be.... and I thought, I am awesome! I am "helping" my friend! When in reality, I wasn't really helping anyone at all.

In constrast, I get my self-esteem almost entirely from just within myself now. I still enjoy being a good listener for someone, but I am no longer willing to let someone complain ad infinitum about a problem that they themselves can solve.

 

[Nijntje]

i feel like most of the guys i've dated/been interested in have at least been fucked up in some way or had some kind of hardship. like i really can't see myself ever being in love with some totally normal well-adjusted guy. i need some kind of neurotic tendency that i can relate to. but i also always pick guys better off then myself, so i'm even weirder than them.

This.

But i also tend to attract 'broken' people as friends, i guess because in many ways i can relate to them. Then again, I have 'normal' friends too.

 

[Stanton Moore]

I've attracted them for years. Sometimes I wonder if I have a sign on my back that says : sociopaths welcome! I'm a pretty open person, and I must show this on my face for everyone to see, despite not trying to.
And I'm kinda broken myself, so who am I to judge.

 

[INTPness]

I've attracted them for years. Sometimes I wonder if I have a sign on my back that says : sociopaths welcome! I'm a pretty open person, and I must show this on my face for everyone to see, despite not trying to.
And I'm kinda broken myself, so who am I to judge.

If we're being real, I think we've all got a little brokenness in us. I think that's the fallacy of it all - "those guys over there are broken.......uhhh, but not me....no way....not me!" I was half-watching an old episode of Sx and the city last night and she was dating this recovering alcoholic. And she had some reservations about it, but then she reasoned with herself, "We're all recovering from SOMETHING! Whether it's alcohol, a bad childhood, a broken heart, or someone doing us wrong, or whatever." She realized that she was no different than him, even though society would say that he is a nutcase and she should stay away. Basically, "society" has no clue what they're talking about half the time.

 

[Stanton Moore]

If we're being real, I think we've all got a little brokenness in us. I think that's the fallacy of it all - "those guys over there are broken.......uhhh, but not me....no way....not me!" I was half-watching an old episode of Sx and the city last night and she was dating this recovering alcoholic. And she had some reservations about it, but then she reasoned with herself, "We're all recovering from SOMETHING! Whether it's alcohol, a bad childhood, a broken heart, or someone doing us wrong, or whatever." She realized that she was no different than him, even though society would say that he is a nutcase and she should stay away. Basically, "society" has no clue what they're talking about half the time.

To be honest, some of my favorite people on this planet have been badly broken. I can't help but feel empathetic towards them. I want friendships that are real. That's the main reason I don't do facebook.

 

[INTPness]

To be honest, some of my favorite people on this planet have been badly broken. I can't help but feel empathetic towards them. I want friendships that are real. That's the main reason I don't do facebook.

Haha.

 

[Anew Leaf]

To be honest, some of my favorite people on this planet have been badly broken. I can't help but feel empathetic towards them. I want friendships that are real. That's the main reason I don't do facebook.

p.s. you are a much nicer INFP than I am.

 

[Glycerine]

Anyone who is a good listener and willing to listen to others will tend to have this problem if boundaries are not put up. Although I can be emotionally intense on the forum sometimes, in real life, I am the person that people with fucked up pasts and situations tend to gravitate towards. Also, I am the person that people who tend to be in a counselor position for others will tend to come to. My problem is that I show that I actually care and will inadvertently let people vent for as long they need to.

 

[011235813]

Looks like I'm still stuck with the first part, haven't moved on yet to the second.

A lot of mostly normal people often find me intimidating (which has been ascribed to an intense facial expression, "scary" eyes, and a somewhat distant personal manner among other things) but "fucked up" people sniff me out almost immediately, move in, and consume my life.

Hmm.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Anyone who is a good listener and willing to listen to others will tend to have this problem if boundaries are not put up. Although I can be emotionally intense on the forum sometimes, in real life, I am the person that people with fucked up pasts and situations tend to gravitate towards. Also, I am the person that people who tend to be in a counselor position for others will tend to come to. My problem is that I show that I actually care and will inadvertently let people vent for as long they need to.

You don't think NFs have a higher tendency to attract that?
I mean, most everyone provides an ear to friends or family, but random students on campus, strangers on the sidewalk, anonymous internet contacts, etc...?

I think, honestly, it isn't just an NF or INFP thing... I think like attracts like. If you have low self-esteem, have problems... you are more likely to stick to someone else who has the same issues. Conversely if you have yourself together... you are more likely than not to attract that same kind of person into your life.

What if it's more of a perception issue? You are not broken, but perceive yourself to be (enneagram 4 tendency), leaving you open to broken people.... I really don't think I was all that broken when younger. I was shy & awkward, but not unstable like some of the people I dealt with. In a way, those experiences made me aware that I was pretty stable & not as defective as I had imagined.

Some of that process was because I shifted how I get self-esteem. Before, I felt like I wasn't a "good" person unless I helped people... and helping people meant I listened to their problems, and I didn't judge them, and I let them be as sad as they wanted to be.... and I thought, I am awesome! I am "helping" my friend! When in reality, I wasn't really helping anyone at all.

In constrast, I get my self-esteem almost entirely from just within myself now. I still enjoy being a good listener for someone, but I am no longer willing to let someone complain ad infinitum about a problem that they themselves can solve.

That's interesting, because I never had that motivation. I didn't care to or consciously seek to help people, and I definitely did not base my self-esteem on it. I sometimes felt foisted upon, like I had some moral obligation to the world to not just walk away. It would surprise me when I saw I could successfully comfort people, offer some words of wisdom, etc. I never saw myself as being empathetic or compassionate or dealing with people well. If anything, it made me question who I thought I was (previously envisioning myself as a grouchy loner).

I always established my identity more by asserting uniqueness. I think identifying with broken people was a part of that. Feeling I could see something of value that others couldn't see.

I've never been a "coddler" either, for the most part. I would listen to people vent, as I think it's an important "first step", but I was never "too nice" to not guide someone's thinking if I saw it as very off-track. I identify with the INFP titles "Healer" and "Harmonizer-Clarifier" now that I realize they indicate steering a process that while mostly soothing, can be a bit uncomfortable (healing) and identifying & finding a solution to the root problem (clarifying & harmonizing).

 

[Glycerine]

Yeah I totally agree with you OA. I just have a habit of wanting to make my posts seem more universally applicable so I try not to tie MBTI as much into my writing.

 

[Sizzling Berry]

OrangeAppled, thanks a lot for this thread. An eye-openner!!!

In my case it was like Udog and Glycerine said - broken people and an attentive person.

They weren't sensing any problems in me. They were sensing a person who can and is willing to listen. Very often I was such a person because of the things you've mentioned: understanding what it means to have problems, ethical views on the way groups treat the harmed ones, the feeling that I have to repay somehow for the fact that I'm quiet although I like people (unapproachable) etc, etc.

It was not a kinship of people with problems. The proof of it was when I tried to reverse the friendship and share my problems with them. Most of them didn't really want that or couldn't do it or... there were always reasons why not, centered in one point - broken people are focused on their problems.

I was so much into ethical part of it that I haven't noticed that it was draining my emotional resources right, left, top and bottom.

In the end I realized it's easier and safer to work on unapproachability and then with better boundries chose to help people than to jump into friendships/rescue missions, where God knows if you can expect some reciprocity or you do all the giving.

That's my story and I'm still learning .

 

[MacGuffin]

How much is attracting broken people and how much is seeking them out?

 

[sleuthiness]

No, though I attract and am attracted to people in need of inspiration or someone to listen with some degree of concern. Often people welcome being asked way too many questions (yay!). Always something new to learn, whether other people think they're dogshit or not.

Broken = heroin addict? Whether she's broken or not doesn't enter my mind; we just discuss our respective dj playlists.\\

But regarding balance within interactions, I don't take on any single predominant role.

 

[Sizzling Berry]

I think it can be both seeking and attracting. A common ground is a certain filter you have in your mind. Speaking very generally, you chose to select broken people and you chose to reject non-broken ones.

 

[OrangeAppled]

They weren't sensing any problems in me. They were sensing a person who can and is willing to listen. Very often I was such a person because of the things you've mentioned: understanding what it means to have problems, ethical views on the way groups treat the harmed ones, the feeling that I have to repay somehow for the fact that I'm quiet although I like people (unapproachable) etc, etc.

It was not a kinship of people with problems. The proof of it was when I tried to reverse the friendship and share my problems with them. Most of them didn't really want that or couldn't do it or... there were always reasons why not, centered in one point - broken people are focused on their problems.

I was so much into ethical part of it that I haven't noticed that it was draining my emotional resources right, left, top and bottom.

In the end I realized it's easier and safer to work on unapproachability and then with better boundries chose to help people than to jump into friendships/rescue missions, where God knows if you can expect some reciprocity or you do all the giving.

That's my story and I'm still learning .

Yes, yes & yes. This is my story also. I think bolded explains pretty much what I was saying more clearly. The part about them not reciprocating is sooo true. I think that was the clincher for me in distancing myself from some friends who were like that. I realized I was being used in a way.

How much is attracting broken people and how much is seeking them out?

I don't seek anyone out, not consciously. I'm not an initiator; like I said, it felt foisted on me at times. The poor posture, head down, timid demeanor probably just said "vulnerable". I think I'm a little less nervous in my demeanor now.

 

[PeaceBaby]

I think assertive body language is a fantastic strategy. I feel much more comfortable in my body now at 44 than 24 or even 34. I walk with my head up and shoulders back. I still notice and assist the people who need an advocate or protection, I just don't entertain their stories for hours on end with no reciprocation that signals the development of an ACTUAL, HEALTHY friendship. I too have had my fair share of "friends" who would eat up my emotional resources but have no crumbs left to offer me when I needed a moment or two to talk. I also used to attract people who talked to me on the subway, and approached me on the street, and in all sorts of odd situations.

And I think I thought, that somehow by listening to them, I was enabling them to sort it all out for themself, by showing them that there ARE caring people in the world. (Ha, I was enabling them all right!) And they just never stopped talking. And they fixed nothing about the problems in their lives. So I had to learn, that my way of problem-solving was very different than theirs - if I talk something out, I can talk out a solution. For them not so much. And I felt their pain, and I wanted to make it be all better ... aww, I still have oodles and oodles of hugs for those folks in my heart. I still hope somehow, my compassion and advice may have helped, tangentially.

So, that was certainly a dynamic in my 20's. Attracted a bunch of folks who were needy, learned that they were emo-vampires more than anything else, and also learned that once I asserted my needs for reciprocation, they were unavailable. So, I had to move a couple of those friendships to the way-outer circles. And in a way, those were safe people for me to be friends with at the time - they were needy, and I wanted to be needed, and not rejected; undoubtedly, I am just as culpable here as they.

Now, TODAY, I look at the people around me and decide who I WANT to be friends with, rather than the other way around - letting other people decide that they want to be friends with me. Imagine, I can pick my own friends! I don't attract the same dynamic anymore - I attract a more confident one because that's what I exude. I think that's a typical development route for many INFP's.

 

[Anew Leaf]

I think assertive body language is a fantastic strategy. I feel much more comfortable in my body now at 44 than 24 or even 34. I walk with my head up and shoulders back. I still notice and assist the people who need an advocate or protection, I just don't entertain their stories for hours on end with no reciprocation that signals the development of an ACTUAL, HEALTHY friendship. I too have had my fair share of "friends" who would eat up my emotional resources but have no crumbs left to offer me when I needed a moment or two to talk. I also used to attract people who talked to me on the subway, and approached me on the street, and in all sorts of odd situations.

And I think I thought, that somehow by listening to them, I was enabling them to sort it all out for themself, by showing them that there ARE caring people in the world. (Ha, I was enabling them all right!) And they just never stopped talking. And they fixed nothing about the problems in their lives. So I had to learn, that my way of problem-solving was very different than theirs - if I talk something out, I can talk out a solution. For them not so much. And I felt their pain, and I wanted to make it be all better ... aww, I still have oodles and oodles of hugs for those folks in my heart. I still hope somehow, my compassion and advice may have helped, tangentially.

So, that was certainly a dynamic in my 20's. Attracted a bunch of folks who were needy, learned that they were emo-vampires more than anything else, and also learned that once I asserted my needs for reciprocation, they were unavailable. So, I had to move a couple of those friendships to the way-outer circles. And in a way, those were safe people for me to be friends with at the time - they were needy, and I wanted to be needed, and not rejected; undoubtedly, I am just as culpable here as they.

Now, TODAY, I look at the people around me and decide who I WANT to be friends with, rather than the other way around - letting other people decide that they want to be friends with me. Imagine, I can pick my own friends! I don't attract the same dynamic anymore - I attract a more confident one because that's what I exude. I think that's a typical development route for many INFP's.

Your post is pure win PB !

I can identify with almost everything you say here.

If we had a bunny hug icon I would use it here. Instead I shall need you to call upon your powers of awesome and IMAGINE that this is combined with this .

 

[Sizzling Berry]

One other thing worked for me.

Understanding that being shy/ not receiving enough positive feedback from others does not identify me with "the miserable". It's a problem to solve like any other.

Having that problem doesn't make me similar to every broken person there is. Like being a woman doesn't make me like every woman in the world. It doesn't make me a part of a special club/ brand of people (and my thinking sometimes went that way).

At least in my case, it was better to creatively solve it within the capacity of my personality (and partially accept it) than be amazed/thrilled/feel fulfilled by the suffering that came from it.

Still in the process of digesting all of that.

PeaceBaby, I need to save your answer on the disk pronto !

 

[Lauren]

I think assertive body language is a fantastic strategy. I feel much more comfortable in my body now at 44 than 24 or even 34. I walk with my head up and shoulders back. I still notice and assist the people who need an advocate or protection, I just don't entertain their stories for hours on end with no reciprocation that signals the development of an ACTUAL, HEALTHY friendship. I too have had my fair share of "friends" who would eat up my emotional resources but have no crumbs left to offer me when I needed a moment or two to talk. I also used to attract people who talked to me on the subway, and approached me on the street, and in all sorts of odd situations.

And I think I thought, that somehow by listening to them, I was enabling them to sort it all out for themself, by showing them that there ARE caring people in the world. (Ha, I was enabling them all right!) And they just never stopped talking. And they fixed nothing about the problems in their lives. So I had to learn, that my way of problem-solving was very different than theirs - if I talk something out, I can talk out a solution. For them not so much. And I felt their pain, and I wanted to make it be all better ... aww, I still have oodles and oodles of hugs for those folks in my heart. I still hope somehow, my compassion and advice may have helped, tangentially.

So, that was certainly a dynamic in my 20's. Attracted a bunch of folks who were needy, learned that they were emo-vampires more than anything else, and also learned that once I asserted my needs for reciprocation, they were unavailable. So, I had to move a couple of those friendships to the way-outer circles. And in a way, those were safe people for me to be friends with at the time - they were needy, and I wanted to be needed, and not rejected; undoubtedly, I am just as culpable here as they.

Now, TODAY, I look at the people around me and decide who I WANT to be friends with, rather than the other way around - letting other people decide that they want to be friends with me. Imagine, I can pick my own friends! I don't attract the same dynamic anymore - I attract a more confident one because that's what I exude. I think that's a typical development route for many INFP's.

I think I also need to talk something out so that I can find a solution. And, like you, in my 20s I attracted more people to me who needed someone to lean on and who didn't reciprocate. In my teens I had a friend with an alcoholic mother and a family in complete chaos. She was looking for a lifeline and she had no inner resources to cope. The idea of actually choosing my friends: I've felt the good friends that I made in my 30s and 40s was a mutual coming together on both our parts. I think I may actually be coming to the place of choosing. In general, I don't see people as "broken" but in some stage of growth. If you are truly broken, you may feel you're no living. But, again, that may be just a stage, hopefully.