When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
- How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
I think it depends on the maturity level of both, and willingness to be open to the idea that the other could legitimately have very different motivations. If the INFP can accept that the INTP is more motivated by the search for knowledge than the search for identity or passion, and the INTP can accept that the INFP doesn't want a rational solution to all their problems, I think they can be very compatible. For me, the INFP, I was actually looking for a partner who was calmer and more logical than myself, as I've dated other emotionally-driven types and know that I'd rather have a different perspective. For my long-time INTP boyfriend, he seems to value my warmth, authenticity, and creativity, and not need an identical thought process to his own.
- Why are they attracted to each other?
As others have mentioned, the Ne function in common is a great source of joy for the two types. It's wonderful to be able to bounce ideas and possibilities off a creative, intuitive mind who has a very different take. Both are philosophical types who enjoy spiraling one idea off another, and don't mind jumping around. They're likely to have offbeat, intellectual senses of humor as well, and a love of exploration. Traveling together is wonderful, and neither of us minds loosely planning and then just seeing what's around the next bend.
For my part, I find the aloof dominant Ti function incredibly sexy and powerful, and an INTP's mind can cut through BS like a blade. I deeply dig my partner's ability to rationally overcome sales manipulation, strategically dominate in his career without being a douchebag, and generally have an armada of capabilities he collects for personal satisfaction, like being able to fix his own car, produce useful survival tools on cue, and go through my computer terminal to assess and fix a problem with data packets. I've learned a ton from him and I love that too. He admires my artistic and language abilities, and appreciates my heart and sometimes single-minded devotion to causes like environmentalism (Fi), while not being similarly obsessed.
- How do they compliment/complement each other?
I think the INTP enjoys compliments about their capability and knowledge, while the INFP enjoys compliments that relate to their genuineness (basically, something internal that the other person has *seen*).
In terms of complementing each other, my INTP is much better at handling tough negotiations and problem-solving when the problem requires a lot of abstract systems thinking (Ti). The INFP can be, and I am much better at, planning our social functions and keeping up with day-to-day logistics (Te). Interestingly, because the INTP lacks Te in its top four, they often don't care as much about routine maintenance like cleaning (although they're perfectly capable of doing it when they get around to it). So although it's the INFP's fourth function, I'm much more aware of the need to do these things (though I don't really enjoy them either!).
I actually find that the INTP is also less socially fraught than the INFP and can reassure an INFP when they're reading too much into a situation. They have a harmonious lean (inferior Fe) but on the whole they don't seem to worry that much about what others think of them (beyond perhaps that they think them competent). I think the INFP projects an aloof air (dominant Fi) but actually does care to some extent what others think -- though more in worrying whether their motives are genuinely understood vs. achieving total harmony (at least, at the expense of authenticity).
- How well do they understand each other and why?
Sometimes very well. Sometimes very poorly. Very well when talking about ideas sometimes, but when the conversation ventures into areas of values or perhaps a political debate, things can get hairy if the two types aren't open-minded.
INFPs aren't typically big fans of prolonged debate. They can enjoy hearing another's perspective, but they recoil at their own values being poked at.
And INTPs love to debate, dissect ideas and critique -- it's part of their nature, and they actually feel they are doing a disservice by not pointing out when someone else is wrong. Those two values together can be a recipe for disaster when each viewpoint is not clearly understood.
One thing my INTP partner has wisely incorporated into his knowledge is that emotion is part of reality, and thus he treats it as its own substantive factor in discussions and considerations.
One thing I had to learn, which has transformed our communications for the better, is that when my INTP says something, he literally means just that. He very rarely insinuates something, and doesn't expect others to imply something without saying it either. For example, he's not insinuating that I'm ignorant for believing something he disagrees with. I used to speak much more in undertones, but I find it very refreshing to have a partner who just says exactly what he means. As he's gotten to know me, he's also been able to learn my undertones, and made me aware of times when I could speak more plainly.
He's also learned that sometimes I ask something just to get to know him better, rather than to learn some particular aspect of his knowledge, where he used to be puzzled when I asked about his personal experience or why he found something interesting. Often for him it was just "inherently interesting because it was in the world."
- What are they like together raising children?
Don't know! I would expect, as one of the posters above mentioned, children who were raised to think for themselves, but probably not the most orderly household outwardly.
When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
- What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
See "how well they understand each other" above.
- What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
I think they all stem from the differing dominant and inferior functions. Some days I really want the INTP to be driven by a soulful passion like myself and want to collaborate artistically. Similarly, I think some days he wants me to be as driven by the pursuit of knowledge. But ultimately, neither of us believe that our partner can be all things to us, and we have other friends to fill those needs. Each of us can also dip a toe into those areas, we just don't stay for as long.
Another frustration at times is that I strongly value authenticity over harmony (dominant Fi), whereas he, on a more primal level (inferior Fe) actually values harmony in his household, despite the free-thinking dominant Ti. Both of us value honesty, but authenticity at the expense of harmony seems to shake him more than it does me, especially when it's on a personal level, and can occasionally cause a strong burst of emotion (his stressed Fe).
The INFP's inferior Te can also drive a compulsion to be more orderly in fits and starts, generally when stressed out, and it can be a bit bewildering to my INTP when it's suddenly imperative that I clean up a huge pile of stuff which has been sitting there for months.
I don't know if this is true for all INFPs/INTPs, but we've discovered that I am actually the more emotionally independent one, because my Fi seems to be a bit more self-sufficient, whereas his Fe gives him a periodic "need to be needed" by his partner (which may be surprising given that they are a T type). I don't feel that need, but at the same time I want him to feel needed, and it can be frustrating to figure out what makes him feel this, having never felt it myself.
- How can they take each other for granted?
Sometimes I take his extreme competence for granted, and the way he's always willing to share his time with me. I ask him for help quite a bit, yet am pretty protective of my own time. He can at times take my creative expressions and gifts to him for granted, as well as how I arrange some of our logistics and bring fun new activities into our lives
- What happens with things “go wrong†between these two types?
Both can get pretty caught up in their own headspaces. If things are stressful (for example, two hectic careers), it can actually be difficult for them to find time for themselves, let alone each other. And of course, their living situation (and possibly diet) goes to hell during these times too
As introverts, both need to be careful of not burning out, both for themselves and the relationship. The more stressful things are, the more they start to resort to their "natural" forms of communication, which means INTP gets more logical and perhaps short, and INFP gets more emotional and deeply passionate/sensitive, and patience wears thinner for both in adjusting their styles.
Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
- What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
I recommend a hearty dose of patience and an open mind. Sometimes too, each type doesn't even realize there is another way of communicating besides their own. I found reading about MBTI, and particularly about INTP and INFP conversational styles in numerous contexts, then sharing it with my partner to see what was true for him, and confirming what was true for me, to be enormously helpful. Also, don't expect to just "solve" it in one go. It will take many many times of stepping on each other's toes before you start to remember and use the lessons you've learned. You can't just unlearn a lifetime of autopilot
I noticed that for me there were certain charged words that had implications for me that they did not hold for him, and for him, it often was more important that I not use a particular tone of voice which signified something to him that it didn't for me. Once we identified those, we could point them out, and then walk away to calm down, or offer a hug in silence. One thing we've fortunately never really had was the idea that the other person was being malicious or intentionally hurtful, and so that knowledge also helps us to take a step back and find out what's really happening.
- What advice do you have for each of the two types?
- If you are an INFP, what advice do you have for the INTPs?!
Know this: that the INFP's mind is more open than it initially appears. They hold closely/protectively to their values and may be unwilling to venture opinions about things they know nothing about. But given the details and space to think about and investigate things without pressure to change, they can alter those views… and can become even more impassioned about them than you! That being said, it's probably best to look for an INFP who shares a good number of values with you to start, as these are a critical part of who they are, and you can't expect to change them *too* much
Recognize that this type often makes indirect communications, and doesn't even realize that those are not understood. Be patient and if you really want to communicate with them, teach them how to communicate more directly with you, while at the same time trying to understand their more common indirect statements.
If they say something and you don't know why they said that, ask them. For example, on the simplest level, sometimes I ask my INTP, "Have you had dinner yet?" The implication is that I want to have dinner with him -- and I wasn't even aware there was another interpretation or phrasing. In the old days, he would interpret it very literally, answer "No," and go back to whatever he was doing, and I felt confused and stonewalled. Later, he realized I asked for a particular reason, and would ask "Why do you ask?" or "Have you?" And I more often began to ask, "What shall we do about dinner?" or "Are you free for dinner?"
Help out with the chores without being asked. So nice.
Learn the difference between when the INFP is asking you to help them solve a problem, or just wants to share something… it's an important distinction, and can mean the difference between a good connection and an argument.
Do respect them as intelligent, perceptive people, and give them space when their emotions are in full swing -- when they're in full passion mode is not a good time to disagree
If you respect their values, acknowledge their points, and communicate that you care about them, they will calm down and listen to differing views.
Never call INFPs over-sensitive… trust me, we already know we're sensitive. Admire them for who they are inside -- being called beautiful with reference to physicality was never a big compliment to me… but creative, sharp, bold, passionate? Hell yes!
Continue to share your unique gifts with INFPs, and take our minds places they ain't never been before
- If you are an INTP, what advice would you have for the INFPs?
I'm not an INTP, but I'll pass on some tips to fellow INFPs from 10 years of knowing my INTP -- don't be intimidated by the INTP. They tend to be smart as hell, yes, and to enjoy debate (but they aren't competitive about it, they're just trying to achieve greater knowledge, even if they come across as confident and all-knowing). They are also genuine, kind, free-spirited, and more open to loving and being loved than you might initially think. I've come across a lot of INFPs who only seem to consider other feeler types, and I will say this about the INTP: they're worth it.
Don't interpret their calmness as a sign that they are robotic -- indeed, they have honed this calm with careful control. When they show their emotions, they can be forceful and surprising. If they do, you can surmise they're stressed, pissed off, or deeply touched. Whatever you do, don't take advantage of this vulnerability. They are perhaps the classic stoic type with a squishy center. You don't get to it easily, so don't take it for granted.
Take them at face value, and try to let go of any implications you think they're making (or at least become aware of, and then literally state, those assumptions so they can directly respond to them). There's almost nothing that irritates an INTP more than to have their words twisted, as they always choose them carefully and precisely. By that same token, do not belittle their care for the details (whether that be for a topic or for a task at hand), as for them the details make up the truth.
Appreciate them for their abilities, and be patient with their desire to help through critique. Make it gently clear when you are and are not open to this. Show them affection -- they may not initially seem like they care, but they do! Don't expect them to join you on every crusade
But if they know it's important, they will be willing to cheer you from the sidelines!
Check out what's happening in the world generally from time to time, whether in the world of business, internationally, or governmentally -- most INFPs I know do not naturally seek out political articles or world issues aside from their pet causes. But many INTPs do, and your mutual dialogues about interpretations on such issues can be rich and satisfying. I swear you will also surprise and delight them with your perspective. This can stimulate the INTP in the way that pondering and talking about our personal values does for INFPs
Don't be afraid to bring them into activities they might not otherwise try, and be open to their latest obsessions too. That's one of the beauties of this relationship… each of you will always be trying out something new, whether it's a new language, coding, an instrument, or something else entirely.
