[INFJ] INFJs how do you control yourself from jumping to conclusions?

[Desert Flower]

At this point in my life I feel totally ungrounded. Personally, I'm kind of avoid people in RL because I'm scared of jumping to conclusions and flipping out. I don't know how to control myself. I hardly pay attention to anything that is going on around me. I just have this internal dialogue that plays over and over...analyzes the same things. I'm stuck in this loop and I can't stop it. I feel like my confidence is pretty low. If I can't trust myself and how i percieve the world then how am I suppose to survive?

I don't know what to do. How did you learn to trust yourself? Is everything you perceive real or is it just a misconstruction of reality? How often are your intuitions wrong and you end up emotionally over reacting to a situation?

*In addition, I've found that I've become more passive aggressive because i don't know when I should shut a person up or just let it go.

I feel like if I could just get some answers, then everything would make more sense.

 

[helen]

This is a frustrating place to be at.

I can relate in some ways. Here are some random suggestions, take them for what they are worth.

When I feel lost inside my head and disconnected from reality, it helps to refocus in small ways at first. Read a book, watch a movie, force myself to talk to someone, go for a walk, do some housework, etc.

Do things that will make you feel productive and distracted and build your confidence level, but don't ignore your feelings.

I find reading really good classic literature is extremely helpful both in expanding my own thoughts and preconceptions and gaining some perspective on them. Also, reading helps me get outside my own (sometimes self defeating) thought processes but is still an introverted activity, so I feel refreshed and mentally nourished afterwards rather than drained.

If you have a trusted friend or two you can use as a sounding board, you might find it helpful to share and explore some of your ideas/thoughts/feelings with her. Sometimes when I stretch myself to talk about things that seem crazy and that I suspect no one will understand, I'm pleasantly surprised and soothed to find that I'm actually more "normal" and understandable than I thought. We can blow things out of proportion in our own minds all too easily.

 

[MrRandom]

I learned to trust my intuition over time. The hard way... "I should have trusted my instinct, once again!". Time and time again after this kind of error realizations one begins to learn to put some trust in intuition.

That still happens to me a lot. I am almost angry at myself for not always trusting my intuition. For example, I recently met a couple of people and my intuition told me right away that they were just "idiots". I learned to know them for some months and then I realized, yeah, they're complete idiots, why did I put so much effort into these people.

Trusting my intuition is easier if it says positive messages. Quite often I see, for example, a person, and I intuitively know that he/she is someone I would definitely like a lot. Then I go meet him/her and he/she's totally my type, and it feels magical. They're interested in the same things (which is rare), etc. It's kind of wondrous, and with time I've learned to put more trust into these intuitive signs, because they actually work most of the time. It's a great asset.

You ask in your title question about controlling these conclusions... no, I don't want to control them. I want to use them to my advantage. If you ever feel like "Shit, I should have known!" or so, that's a sign of you working against your intuition.

Oh, about emotionally overreacting... okay, sometimes I might overreact. I usually overreact when I detect some not-so-nice things between the lines... sometimes these things are subconscious to the person who said/wrote them, and they don't understand why I got angry. Then I explain to them how and why their tone was offending, and they realize their error. So, I don't actually overreact if I have a reason to do so, right?

I'm not sure if any of this helps, because you are not very specific on what kinds of internal dialogues you go over and over, etc. I might not understand what you are looking for.

 

[INTJMom]

At this point in my life I feel totally ungrounded. Personally, I'm kind of avoid people in RL because I'm scared of jumping to conclusions and flipping out. I don't know how to control myself. I hardly pay attention to anything that is going on around me. I just have this internal dialogue that plays over and over...analyzes the same things. I'm stuck in this loop and I can't stop it. I feel like my confidence is pretty low. If I can't trust myself and how i perceive the world then how am I suppose to survive?

I don't know what to do. How did you learn to trust yourself? Is everything you perceive real or is it just a misconstruction of reality? How often are your intuitions wrong and you end up emotionally over reacting to a situation?

*In addition, I've found that I've become more passive aggressive because i don't know when I should shut a person up or just let it go.

I feel like if I could just get some answers, then everything would make more sense.

I've been through this.
It's good that you're asking yourself these questions, but in all seriousness,
I think you will figure these things out for yourself in just a little time.
It sounds to me like your life is over-stressed right now. Am I right?
You may just need to decompress and unwind.
I think you're gonna be okay.

 

[faith]

Are you particularly stressed right now? My reliable intuition tends to go haywire when I'm very stressed. Sometimes it's hard for me to admit that I "deserve" to be stressed about something; I want to be strong and capable of handling anything. When I can acknowledge that a situation is taking a large toll on my resources, then I can take steps to counteract the stress and repair myself.

When I'm stressed, my emotions "misfire" more easily and sometimes seem to be giving me information contrary to my other observations. This can cause me to become hypersensitive and overreact. Talking things over with a trusted friend often helps me identify the problem area and regain perspective.

I'm interested in the term "ungrounded" as you use it. How do you feel when you are grounded? Can you identify a source of or cause for feeling ungrounded? I ask becuase I remember a particular (and somewhat frightening) time in my life when I felt as though I was anchorless, drifting alone in an ocean with no point of reference and no way to guide myself. I wonder whether this is like what you are feeling.

 

[Desert Flower]

Thanks everyone...

These post are giving me alot of perspective.

I find reading really good classic literature is extremely helpful both in expanding my own thoughts and preconceptions and gaining some perspective on them. Also, reading helps me get outside my own (sometimes self defeating) thought processes but is still an introverted activity, so I feel refreshed and mentally nourished afterwards rather than drained.

I haven't completed a book in two years. I went through a tough time in high school because I felt so alone. After finally getting a taste of friendship and love (that eventually led to heart ache). I thought if i stopped isolating myself and reading then i'd be able to relate to people my age better. And hopefully be a "normal" teenager. I gave up my love books, music, and black and white movies to constantly wallowing about why i couldn't connect with other kids. (I swear I could analyze the same pointless questions until i drop dead). When I found out about MBTI...i was "ohhh, so now i can just be myself". But by that time I had started college and my inner world had gone to crap. I feel so empty like I'm this interest less weirdo. The only thing keeping my Ni alive is OCDing on the same music and college text books.
So I guess my next question is how do you make time for your innerworld? And keep everything fresh and new?

I'm interested in the term "ungrounded" as you use it. How do you feel when you are grounded? Can you identify a source of or cause for feeling ungrounded?

I think its my insecurities about not having anything to show for in the catergory of "self development" for the last two years straight. I know if I had worked on delveloping my interest more...little things would roll off my back because I'd feel more confident about who I am and what i like.
Now I'm like, how do i make time for everything? (Time management suggestions anyone).

I don't really trust anyone. My emotions are raw. I'll look at someone and they'll tell me something but i'll look at their mannerisms (a look on their face). (yes, paranoid i know) And i swear its contridicting what they just said...and i'll get on edge because i don't know if I can trust them. And if my intuitions are right then it takes for ever for their character to come out in the "wash".
^^^ But this too could stem from an underdeveloped inner world and having nothing else to mentally chew on.

But then for all I know it could be a self-fulfilling prophecy where I keep the person at arms length (cause i'm scared to get hurt)...and then they respond with hostility because they think I'm cold.

I know this a completely different topic. But is the thought of love addicitive to INfjs (obviously)? I doubt I would have ever thought of being lonely until i got a "taste". Now, i can't even think about developing interest for myself. I keep thinking if I met the "one" what interest would make me the most intellectually appealing. (I hoping these thoughts will stop once I start obsessing over something else).

But i appreciate all the posts. Just getting the outside input is helping my head feel more organized.

 

[cafe]

I don't control my jumping to conclusions very well. What I do is control myself from acting on my conclusions until I have some kind of concrete evidence and/or I have run it by a few people I respect and trust.

 

[cascadeco]

When I found out about MBTI...i was "ohhh, so now i can just be myself". But by that time I had started college and my inner world had gone to crap. I feel so empty like I'm this interest less weirdo. The only thing keeping my Ni alive is OCDing on the same music and college text books.

So I guess my next question is how do you make time for your innerworld? And keep everything fresh and new?

I'm not certain your situation or why you don't feel you have time for nurturing your inner world -- I've often had too much time on my hands!

But first off, a question: Is it completely necessary at this point to strive to 'keep your Ni alive'? Just wondering, and I'm only asking because when I get in a similar internal predicament as what you are in, I want my inner world to shut the hell up and I can't stand it - I just want to escape from it.

Secondly, I think to some degree these things are highly individualized, which is why I am hesitant to give any suggestions. I guess for me, I tend to try to get at 'the root' of things - 'the root' of my problem/issue. This can take time. It isn't fun. It can be horrible. One thing to consider is to give yourself permission to feel this way. For me, often-times when I label it as 'bad' or something that I need to fight, it makes it much worse. If I don't fight it, sure, it'll still suck, but the going-in-circles might slow down a bit.

I think its my insecurities about not having anything to show for in the catergory of "self development" for the last two years straight. I know if I had worked on delveloping my interest more...little things would roll off my back because I'd feel more confident about who I am and what i like.
Now I'm like, how do i make time for everything? (Time management suggestions anyone).

What is 'everything'? Figure out what your priorities are, and focus on those. Things that you don't value as much..put on the back burner for a bit. Give yourself time down time. Schedule down time.

I know what you mean about not feeling like you've 'grown' and have nothing to show for it. It can be frustrating. I know for myself, I get super frustrated when I revisit the same thoughts over and over again -- stuff I thought I resolved earlier, might pop up again - and then I think I never grew in the first place. But...you know...we're always growing, because time passes, we add more data sets to our experiences, and build upon our knowledge.

^^^ But this too could stem from an underdeveloped inner world and having nothing else to mentally chew on.

Again, I'm wondering if you're focusing too much on developing your inner world. Might want to explore external things for a bit. But, that's just a suggestion. [sometimes when I'm in these little funks, the absolute last thing I want to do is go out and interact with people. But I've also come to realize that most of the time if I force myself to do it anyway, even though I don't feel like it, it's precisely what I needed -- to get out of my internal world.]

But then for all I know it could be a self-fulfilling prophecy where I keep the person at arms length (cause i'm scared to get hurt)...and then they respond with hostility because they think I'm cold.

Yes, this is possible.

It's hard to break down those walls. And, I don't think you have to magically get rid of them. I think some things take time, and I think at this point you shouldn't worry about resolving all of it at the snap of your fingers - because often times it doesn't work that way. When you're ready, you're ready. Give yourself permission to take some time.

And, at some point, you'll be ready to trust again. I go in phases with this, too. Closing myself off to protect myself from hurt, and then reaching a point where I realize it's totally not worth it, that life is short, and being more open to all of it again.

But is the thought of love addicitive to INfjs (obviously)? I doubt I would have ever thought of being lonely until i got a "taste". Now, i can't even think about developing interest for myself. I keep thinking if I met the "one" what interest would make me the most intellectually appealing. (I hoping these thoughts will stop once I start obsessing over something else).

Maybe.

I think I know what you're talking about, and I can relate to it to a degree.

Again, this stuff can take time. After experiencing closeness, and realizing how wonderful it can be, and re-alligning your life to it, and then having it all end -- it is an incredibly lonely, horrible thing. It's almost like you have to re-learn how to be independent again, and it's something you have to do every time - the re-learning, that is.

But i know you'll get back to that place again. Just take a deep breath..it'll be ok!

 

[LavaLucy]

I agree with MrRandom, more often I have thought after the fact, 'I should have just done what I decided!' rather than 'gee that person was right all along...' so I think it's good to trust your intuition, or at least I have found that.

I'm bad at speaking to people I don't know too, don't know if that's what you mean. Damn those unknown people! =P

Interests... I think interests find you, right? You can't set out and say I'm going to like this and also these, at the same time I can see that it's hard to just sit back and wait for something to grab you. I don't know.. what sorts of things are you sort of into and maybe you can go from there.

Hrm, I see what you mean, like you want an interest to sum yourself up to other people? I often think Oh if only I was such and such and better at this and more confident here this person would like me better, but this isn't a good thing. For a start, it's impossible to actually know what another person is going to award value to and for me I would give the advice, you can't control everything so stop trying!! Or in other words, chillax I wonder if I will take that advice?

 

[chippinchunk]

Most of the time, my intuition is wrong. BUT thats only when i depend on it the most. You have to make sure that you have enough foundation (facts and such) and the right amount of intuition-not so much that its overbearing, but enough to where the percentages of you being right, is not so unlikely.- to make the right decisions.

Also, youre only 50-50 in the J/P, so dont worry so much about it.

 

[Thursday]

I don't control my jumping to conclusions very well. What I do is control myself from acting on my conclusions until I have some kind of concrete evidence and/or I have run it by a few people I respect and trust.

Exactlty.

 

[faith]

Oohh... I think I understand better now. Correct me if I'm wrong:

When you did all the stuff you enjoyed and "fed your inner self", you felt disconnected from others and ultimately discovered how loneliness feels. So you tried to do stuff to be like others--things you didn't particularly enjoy or benefit from--so that you could connect with others and wouldn't be lonely. When you finally figured out that it was possible to do what you love and be yourself and still connect to others, you felt as though you'd lost touch with that inner self.

To use a metaphor, it sounds a bit like when I'm too busy to eat. I get hungry, but I can't be bothered with food at the moment, so I ignore it and keep going. If I ignore it long enough, I start to feel sick and get a headache. I get frustrated at every little thing and feel as though the day is a failure and I should just go to bed. Paradoxically, though, I no longer feel hungry. My appetite is gone and I just feel sick; I don't want to eat and nothing sounds tasty. Usually, all I feel like doing is going to sleep. Is that kind of like how it is with your inner self?

When I feel that way physically, I have learned that I need to eat a little bit to stimulate my appetite. Drink some juice or eat a cracker. Just something to remind my stomach of why it's there and what it needs. Even though it's not what I want at first, my body soon readjusts and gives me correct signals again--my appetite returns and I can eat a meal.

It sounds to me like your inner self is hungry because you haven't been "feeding" it. As a result, the rest of you is thrown off-kilter--like how I feel sick and angry when I'm hungry. You say you don't trust others, and apparently you don't trust yourself. Your emotions feel "raw" and you have trouble managing your time. I can often trace those kinds of feelings in myelf back to not having spent enough time (or energy, effort) taking care of myself.

If this is true, then you may need to stir up your appetites again. Let go of judging whether you've grown or stagnated over the past few years. Let go of a evaluating self development. Give yourself a "bite to eat" of the things you love, and give yourself time for your appetite to return. Then just relax and enjoy eating.

Of course it's different with everyone, as cascademn says. For me, one of the primary components of recouperative time is to be alone in a place where I feel safe. Not a location that carries implicit expectations of others or a fear of being interrupted; rather, a place that feels comforting and secure. Sometimes the best thing to do is just to be. Watch the clouds and dream; play with puppies or kittens; walk slowly and observe your surroundings; lose yourself in music. Don't analyze self or think too much about the Big Questions. Just let go and enjoy existing. (Maybe this is the kind of thing cascademn referred to as "getting out of your inner world"? Not sure...) That kind of thing alone usually isn't enough for me, but it often serves to "readjust my appetites" and center myself enough to know what I want.

After that, what? If you could do anything you wanted to do, that's within your power to do (not sprout wings and fly), what would it be? Imagine you're a kid on summer vacation again and your time is your own with no strings attached: what will you do? How will you enjoy yourself? Give yourself a "summer vacation" afternoon and be your own friend again.

Golly, I'm sounding mushy and cheesy. Is all this resonating with you at all, or am I still off-key?

 

[Desert Flower]

@Faith, yes exactly!!!

thanks everyone this has been a really big help (although i apologize for making the thread look like some cheesy diary entry). I think I need to shift my priorities and relax my inner control freak.