Is this common for INFJ's? Having difficulty letting go of what we consider close relationships and feelings?
I'm not an MBTI expert by any stretch, but this seems to be very common. I don't know if this is something that mellows out with age across the board, but it has for me. For me, I've always had a very vivid internal world and fantasy life, I was a late bloomer in just about every area of socialization and spent a lot of time in my own company. Hence, when I did make connections with people they became very precious to me, and I inadvertently formed a habit of imagining what I
wanted these relationships to be like, and in turn I started expecting a lot out of these people.
Probably no surprise that I was extremely disappointed by people and took it so incredibly hard. I'd ruminate and linger, I would dissect the entire relationship trying to figure out what went wrong, I'd feel emotionally bruised and battered. I would feel angry at the people who left me behind, and then I'd feel angry at myself for being left behind. All sorts of thoughts and emotions all over the map. I didn't even fathom how to 'let go' or 'move on' at the time, I was in my late teens/early 20s and I thought dead relationships and the memories were just something one had to carry around forever like scars.
This changed in a watershed period that came around the time I was 25. Now, I want to say that in my case there was simply A LOT more going on than just me being the INFJ type. I just think I type as an INFJ because it is directly related to how I formed as a person through my experiences. I was guarded, I was ultra-sensitive. My inner thoughts, hopes, ideas, passions, etc. were like these precious pieces of ceramic I protected with fervor. This came from growing up in a family that had a habit of stomping all over these things as if they meant nothing, so I learned to hide it all away. As seems common with many INFJ types, I learned to put on masks and put my true self behind thick inner walls. Hence, when I'd meet the rare person I actually felt room to open up with, the subtext in my head was always "Please don't break it, please don't break it".
Around the time I was 25, I began to realize a lot of my own pain rested on my own shoulders. I used to get upset with people who were so seemingly careless with these precious feelings, if they hurt me I would blame them, always thinking "I actually SHARED with you! I chose you! Do you have any idea how hard that was? And you don't even care!". All sorts of stuff like that. To be brutally honest, I had to grow up and realize that putting such a burden on someone else was simply unfair. That was my personal outlook on the situation, for myself. I had to take control of my own feelings, take responsibility for them, and realize that NO ONE, not ONE PERSON could crush my feelings unless I LET THEM.
It no longer felt like I was 'giving in' and kowtowing to the mainstream, it felt empowering. I stopped putting those feelings up on a pedestal, I stopped thinking of them as these precious, fragile things. This sounds harsh, I know, and it truly was for me. It took me a long time to sort this all out for myself. The bottom line is that I TRULY WANTED to connect with people and be intimate with them, I wanted a close relationship, I wanted warmth and tenderness from people. But walking around foisting all this responsibility for how I felt upon the shoulders of others had to go. Not because I was making it 'easier' for THEM, but because I made it easier for MYSELF.
I realized that I could talk about my feelings, hopes, dreams, etc. and still keep them intact no matter how anyone else reacted to them. They are MINE and always will be. Suddenly, my relationships improved by leaps and bounds. I got into a 4+ year relationship and I made the choice to share, to open up, to reveal myself. I married him, and in the end he cheated and took off on me with barely a word. In the past, something like that may have literally killed me, but I had gone into that relationship making MY OWN CHOICE. I got hurt, and that is a risk anyone in the world takes in relationships. He did not value me or the things I shared, but his indifference to these things did not render them worthless, it did not take away their value or meaning. It hurt like hell of course and I had to experience the grief and pain, but I was able to LET GO and MOVE ON.
How DO you let go of feelings and relationships? (In a healthy way)
For me it had a lot to do with acceptance. I accepted that this relationship had died, I accepted that this was going to come with a lot of pain and tears. I accepted that I was never going to know all the reasons why it ended because I was not given much to work with, and I accepted that I was going to mess up my own life if I decided to ruminate on finding all the answers before ever trusting someone again. I accepted that I had to pick myself up, I accepted that I had to ask for help without thinking it made me weak or obligated to those who helped me. All of that and more.
The way I see it, relationships have never and will never come with instructions, maps, guarantees, safety nets, or any of it. If I decided to run back behind my wall and hide myself again, if I decided to become fiercely protective of my feelings and thoughts once more, if I decided to burden anyone I met with having to prove all of this stuff to me before I'd trust them, then I would be the creator of the situation that was to follow. I'm not saying I became numb, and I'm not saying I started whoring out my feelings as if they were free gifts for the taking. Not one bit. These things inside are just as important and vivid to me as they ever were, it's just I've stopped thinking anyone else has the power to break them.
I came out of that relationship happier, more in touch with myself, and I learned a lot from it. Sure, there are still things that hurt but I accepted this person is no longer a factor in my life and we're back to leading lives a separate entities just like we were before we ever met. He didn't steal anything from me, he didn't destroy anything, because I simply didn't let him. I hope that makes sense. I've chosen to see positive potential in people and I've accepted that yes, some of them will hurt my feelings and disappoint me from time to time. EVERYONE has to face this. If I look at people the way I did before, like these potentially threatening creatures that could stomp on my feelings and break me in two, I'm going to basically be making the conscious decision to be fragile.
I know I'm going on and on here, and I'm not sure if I'm being helpful at all. It all sounds harsh and perhaps very cold, these are things I learned over a long period of change and effort, of learning, trial, and error. It was VERY hard for me to change my ways, it wasn't until I turned 30 that I think I really began enjoying the hell out of relationships and feeling at home with all of these new lessons I learned. I did not want to take responsibility for a lot of these things because it felt unfair for a number of reasons, but once I learned how beneficial it is FOR ME to own my own feelings and take control, it just got easier and easier.
Are the high expectations I have of the people I trust unhealthy?
Judging from some of the things you wrote, I think it potentially might be. I think there is a difference between 'standards' and 'expectations', I think consciously sorting out the difference is important. Again, I just want to stress that I'm coming from my own experience and what I've observed in others, I'm not trying to play dictator or seer here because of course I do not know you and there are always lots of variables, experiences, and situations. Like I said before, it would be great if all INFJ types were indeed the very same and we could all find a map that is perfect for us, but I just think that can cancel out the importance of personal experience and all things which make us individuals.
I suppose what I'm saying is perhaps examine the deeper personal issues and reasons why you protect your inner world so fiercely and why it's hard for you to trust. I think INFJs have this trait in common, but the reasons why we do it are never exactly the same. I had to hone in on my own reasons why I feared being hurt and why I took things so incredibly hard. I had to cut to the quick and face my own personal demons. I thought my 'type' might change but I still type as the INFJ to this day, but so much has changed.
My inner world is still intact and vivid as ever. I'm still empathic and I'm still sensitive. I'm still the kind of person who doesn't quite fit in mainstream society and I'm still private about many things. All of that and more. All the things I feared losing by trusting and opening up more have not been taken away from me. I just learned how to take control of my relationships in a healthy way.
I accept that people will disappoint me, and I no longer place such a high premium on every relationship I undertake. I think this is important. When you are so exacting with whom you get close to, that automatically places a massive amount of pressure on the relationship and others DO feel this even if you don't literally state all the expectations and hopes you have. It is often destructive and I'm speaking from personal experience here. I was pretty much setting myself up for failure and disappointment because of how rarely I engaged with anyone, with how I studied and summed up a person for ages before I'd make a decision to have a real relationship with them (friendships or romantic). It got to a point where I wrapped up so many hopes and expectations in one person that they just failed, felt hurt by me, and had to bow out of the pressure they truly did feel. I also wound up hanging on to relationships with people who were truly toxic to me, because I WANTED them to live up to these expectations so bad and I chose SO CAREFULLY that I didn't want to let go even though these people did not value me and used me.
So from that point of view, sometimes these high expectations and wrapping up so much of it in one singular relationship is extremely destructive and unhealthy.
I'm not advocating a run to the other side of the pole and trusting EVERYONE right off the bat, absolutely not. For me, it has been finding middle ground. I still hope to find people I click with and feel safe with, just like anyone. I don't go into relationships THINKING so hard about it and being so incredibly guarded. I don't approach relationships in the "Are you THE ONE?" way I used to. I don't expect anything from people, I just jump in and see what they're like. Trust is built and earned, this goes for any relationship. I used to pick apart and examine people for signs of trustworthiness and all of that, I was very cerebral about the whole thing. Now? Now I just let it HAPPEN. When you feel you can trust someone, you KNOW it inside, and this takes TIME. With my current boyfriend, my trust in him built-up over time. I trust MYSELF and my own instincts to gravitate toward all the things he does which feel right to me. Is this any guarantee he will never hurt me? No, and I'm not putting that pressure on him. If he ever betrays me, I've learned I CAN HANDLE IT, so I feel secure. I hope I am making sense here
I just don't attach superlatives like "You must never hurt me" or "You must never be careless with the important things I share with you" and "You must never do _______" or "You must never say ________". I did not consciously do these things in the past, but I DID THEM all the same and then came so much pain and suffering. Now I think more in terms like "You might hurt me, of course, but we will deal with that particular situation if and when it happens, I'm not going to worry about it right now", or "You might be careless sometimes, but this doesn't mean you're automatically a wholly careless person, I'll take these things on a case to case basis". I don't literally think in those exact sentences, this is just the gist of my attitude and outlook now.
I just accept that people always hurt each others feelings from time to time, say things they don't mean, screw up and make mistakes. I do it, and other people do. I'm just more in touch with what standards in behavior and treatment of me that I will allow and what I won't, I'm more in touch with valuing myself enough to do this, and I've loosened the white knuckle grip I used to try having over any given situation. I let people show me who they are over casual friendships without expectations, and I make my choices as to whom I trust and share myself with. I do this willingly, and I feel secure that I can judge who is good for me and who is not, and I don't put all the power and responsibility for relationships so much in the hands of others. I cannot guarantee my choices will always be the right ones, but I can handle the outcome of my choices now.
Again, I'm spouting off here like I'm on a soap box, but again I'm just speaking from my own personal experience and point of view. I really do know how difficult and agonizing all of this stuff can be. I feel like I'm on the other side of a former self, so it's probably all too easy for me to make it sound like it should be all too easy. I know it's not.
How are INFJ's supposed to interact with personality types that expect us to be open and place far less importance on what we'd consider "intimate" information?
For me, this comes down to personal perspective once again. If you have a grouping of emotions/thoughts/ideas that you place a premium on and make a rule that "I will not be intimate with anyone who does not also place the same premium on these things that I do", you're probably going to set yourself up for a lot of hardship and struggle. Again, I used to DO THIS. There's a difference between hoping someone appreciates how important certain things are to you, and hoping someone can see those things exactly the way you do through your eyes. I used to have these moments where I suddenly felt I could open up about some hidden fantasy or passion to someone and it would feel exhilarating, and then we'd talk for awhile and it still felt good, but then at the end of the night in my own bed I would reflect on how they reacted and feel this disquieting sense of disappointment and exposure. Then I would wake up feeling paranoid and worried about what I had done. Does this sound familiar at all?
For me, I spent so much time alone and in my own company that the only reflections and perspectives I had on my dreams, ideas, passions were MY OWN. I wanted people to UNDERSTAND what all this looked like through my eyes and I thought the only people I could click with were people who would hear me speak this information and light up with almost telepathic understanding. I DREAMED of this constantly. I WANTED to find this in someone else (I think this is another one of those things that seem common to INFJs, even though, again, the causes are varied). Then I'd finally meet someone I really thought was going to GET IT, and I'd tell them things, but I'd always walk away feeling this emptiness like "They didn't really understand the way I thought they would".
I'm not saying I think you do this, I really don't know. If you do though, if this sounds familiar, I understand it's so extremely hard to get past these feelings and why they happen.
I sort of had an epiphany when I realized that everyone in this world has an inner world and perception unlike anyone else. We can never truly see the world exactly the way others see it through their eyes. I used to feel such utter sadness about this sort of thing, like I was cursed to walk the earth never being understood and that these things were just trapped inside me without any way to translate or be validated. To this very day I experience pangs of this from time to time, but nowadays I don't think anyone in the world does not experience this to a certain extent. I just think perhaps people who are innately sensitive and empathic wind up feeling it ten times more.
These days, it's more important for me to appreciate those who care about me enough to simply respect my feelings about everything that makes me who I am rather than hoping they will understand who I am through my eyes, if that makes sense. If I come across people who I feel truly are reckless and treat the feelings of others like the 'flavor of the moment' or just a temporary whim or distraction, I simply walk away. I do not try to change these people anymore. I used to cling to those expectations I had and I'd think "Oh, they're so great but only if they would do more of ________ and less of _______!!!". I'd hang on and think these things could be tweaked and changed if I just confessed how much it meant to me. That was a very wrong path. Not saying people can't change, but they have to want to and if it turns into this struggle, it's best to just let go and walk away. Cut your losses and move forward. It took me a very long time to become fully conscious of how to do this, of changing my methods of judgment, but it was not impossible.
Like, if someone is pressing me to talk about something I'm not comfortable with, there is difference between those who are like "Oh come on! I WANT to know! Just TELL me!" and those who are like "I didn't mean to overstep, it's cool!". I've found the people who are truly interested in me and how I feel are the ones who are patient and give me room to open up without pressuring me or feeling pressure themselves. The people to be avoided are the ones who demand and guilt-trip. Someone can express the fact they are interested in knowing your inner world more without pressuring you to give them satisfaction immediately. It takes awhile, but like I said I had to tweak my methods of judgment toward people and stop trying to read their minds. I had to let nature take its course, and stop obsessing over getting answers about the character of those around me immediately. Those who were truly interested in me planted the seeds by letting me know they were curious but they let it lie and allowed me to come to them with an answer when I felt comfortable, those who just demanded instant satisfaction and were reckless just got pissed at me and drifted off (unless I walked away first).
On the very same token, I learned to give room to others and not demand answers from them either. I learned to take time to learn their character and give them room to open up to me too. I stopped thinking of my secrets and inner workings as gifts I would choose to bestow on people who proved their worth. I started thinking of them as just part of who I am, and simply stuff I just wanted to express so people might better understand where I come from and how I see the world if they wished to. I stopped hoping people were going to be some telepathic soul mate and dumped the fantasies that were too idealistic and intricate for ANYONE to ever be able to live up to and accepted there is great value in those who appreciate me even if they don't always understand my weird little ways. I'm so much happier now than I ever thought possible just ten years ago.
I've gone on with a novel here, I just related to a lot of the things you wrote here and wanted to share. I don't know how much can apply to you personally or be helpful. Whatever resonates, keep it, and don't stress the rest.
