[ESTP] How to get an ESTP to care

[Hunni518]

My ESTP boyfriend does not care at alllllll about how I feel in any situation whether it involves him or not. What can I do to convince him to care about my feeling side? It is so frustrating!!!

He constantly accuses me of cheating on him and gets mad at me for hanging out with any guy or even talking to one on Facebook. I keep telling him that he needs to calm down because hes stressing me out and making me feel unappreciated after all that go out of my way to do for him. He never reciprocates in any way and thinks its my fault when I tell him I'm upset when he was the one who upset me.

 

[wank]

You can provide more information.

 

[Hunni518]

You can provide more information.

Sorry...

 

[BerberElla]

Maybe it would just be best to ditch someone who is always accusing you of cheating? jealousy is a nightmare and in all honesty nothing you ever do ever changes the accusations.

As to making him care, I'm not a big believer in making anyone care about me, you either care or you don't, you either value the way I feel or you don't. I prefer to leave out the rope that they hang themselves with in the end because trying to get someone to act in another way than how they normally act is simply trying to change them to better fit what you need.

Find someone who actually does care without you needing to make them, or convince them as any other tactic just leads to stress.

 

[Charmed Justice]

My ESTP boyfriend does not care at alllllll about how I feel in any situation whether it involves him or not. What can I do to convince him to care about my feeling side? It is so frustrating!!!

He constantly accuses me of cheating on him and gets mad at me for hanging out with any guy or even talking to one on Facebook. I keep telling him that he needs to calm down because hes stressing me out and making me feel unappreciated after all that go out of my way to do for him. He never reciprocates in any way and thinks its my fault when I tell him I'm upset when he was the one who upset me.

1. You feel like he doesn't care at all about how you feel in any situation
2. He accuses you of cheating, constantly
3. You tell him how his behavior makes you feel, and he continues on with the same
4. He doesn't reciprocate in any way
5. He flips the script on you when you tell him you're upset

So, what's so good about him and your relationship that you stay?

 

[Halla74]

My ESTP boyfriend does not care at alllllll about how I feel in any situation whether it involves him or not. What can I do to convince him to care about my feeling side? It is so frustrating!!!

He constantly accuses me of cheating on him and gets mad at me for hanging out with any guy or even talking to one on Facebook. I keep telling him that he needs to calm down because hes stressing me out and making me feel unappreciated after all that go out of my way to do for him. He never reciprocates in any way and thinks its my fault when I tell him I'm upset when he was the one who upset me.

ESTPs are not typically jealous, at least the ones I've met.

We are, however, kind of emotionally detached.

Talking about "feelings" with us is the equivalent of cutting our fingers off with a rusty spoon.

He sounds like a jerk, whatever type he is.

I'd sit him down and read him the riot act if I were you, or dump him.

 

[Biaxident]

...cutting our fingers off with a rusty spoon.

That can be arranged. I'll help.

 

[stellar renegade]

ESTPs are not typically jealous, at least the ones I've met.

We are, however, kind of emotionally detached.

Talking about "feelings" with us is the equivalent of cutting our fingers off with a rusty spoon.

He sounds like a jerk, whatever type he is.

I'd sit him down and read him the riot act if I were you, or dump him.

Exactly. (I love the line about the rusty spoon - so true! )

Yeah, I read that post a couple times over and tried to figure out if I could ever associate with being that way, if there was anything you could do to smooth things out or if it made sense at all, and the conclusion I came up with was: he's just a douchebag, time to dump 'im. As far as I can tell, at least. I know how prone your type is to complaining and sometimes making things out to be worse than they are, but you also tend to get a little too attached for your own good and try to be sacrificially faithful.

Forget it. He's probably the one cheating anyway. Those who are guilty are usually also suspicious.

 

[Jeffster]

SLAP THE TASTE OUT HIS MOUTH

 

[Hunni518]

Alright y'all... I see what you're saying. I actually just found out my best friend (a girl) is an ESTP and she absolutely hates my boyfriend. She also would never act anything like him. I think y'all are right, he's just a jerk no matter what type he is. Now... what is an ISFJ to do about this? I will admit that I am very emotionally attached and have a hard time leaving the relationship or getting over it.

 

[Amargith]

Ok..you can do this the hard way. If you're up for it.

Cognitive principles 101:

Ignore him if he's being that way. And I do mean ignore, walk away, don't make eye contact and don't acknowledge him till he's calmed down. Smile at him and don't hold a grudge over what he said once he's back to being sweet. If he again fails or brings it up again since he has your attention again, repeat. Ad infinitum. Don't be afraid to walk out on him and let him contact you somehow after he's cooled down.

Lavish attention on him and tell him how awesome he is when he behaves. This is very important.

Expect him to throw temper tantrums, act like a baby, whine like a 5 year old when you first start doing this. It's normal. In the beginning the bad behavior will increase as they don't believe that it no longer has any effect. DO NOT LET HIM GUILTTRIP YOU AND DO NOT TAKE PITY ON HIM. Be consistent. And patient. It's for his own good. Don't let him get to you or you'll both lose.

He's acting like a spoiled brat. So educate him like the dog he is. You might end up with a semi-decent dude if you do. Don't hold your breath though.

 

[Moiety]

Maybe it would just be best to ditch someone who is always accusing you of cheating? jealousy is a nightmare and in all honesty nothing you ever do ever changes the accusations.

As to making him care, I'm not a big believer in making anyone care about me, you either care or you don't, you either value the way I feel or you don't. I prefer to leave out the rope that they hang themselves with in the end because trying to get someone to act in another way than how they normally act is simply trying to change them to better fit what you need.

Find someone who actually does care without you needing to make them, or convince them as any other tactic just leads to stress.

Agreed.

 

[MonkeyGrass]

Amargith has excellent advice on how to do it the hard way.

I guess my only thought to add is to ask yourself whether or not you're actually attracted to his good parts (assuming he has any) enough to put yourself through the emotional wringer that way, and if you have what it takes emotionally to do that. Me? I love a good emotional project. But that works well with my personality. If it doesn't jive with yours, and you know you'll end up putting up with more than you should, I suggest dumping him and losing his number.

 

[onemoretime]

My ESTP boyfriend does not care at alllllll about how I feel in any situation whether it involves him or not. What can I do to convince him to care about my feeling side? It is so frustrating!!!

He constantly accuses me of cheating on him and gets mad at me for hanging out with any guy or even talking to one on Facebook. I keep telling him that he needs to calm down because hes stressing me out and making me feel unappreciated after all that go out of my way to do for him. He never reciprocates in any way and thinks its my fault when I tell him I'm upset when he was the one who upset me.

Check your valuables. Seriously.

 

[Lurker]

You can't make someone care. Leave him.

 

[Coeur]

Alright y'all... I see what you're saying. I actually just found out my best friend (a girl) is an ESTP and she absolutely hates my boyfriend. She also would never act anything like him. I think y'all are right, he's just a jerk no matter what type he is. Now... what is an ISFJ to do about this? I will admit that I am very emotionally attached and have a hard time leaving the relationship or getting over it.

The first step to getting over it is ending the relationship and you just have to do it. Rip it off like a bandaid. Don't wait for the perfect moment and don't wait until you have the perfect excuse. Most of all, don't let him talk you out of it! Even if he does care, he isn't treating you right and it isn't going to get any better. It isn't fair to him- or you- to stay in a bad relationship simply because you cannot detach. Since your friend dislikes him so much, it'd be helpful for her to give you a peptalk before you commit the deed.

There's an awesome guy out there who is going to care about you, without you needing to work so hard! Go find him!

 

[stellar renegade]

Just say that it doesn't seem like the relationship is beneficial for either of you, obviously he's not happy either, and you're definitely not happy. Tell him that based on that you think it's time to just move on. He'll either understand that logic best (if he's just plain been unhappy with it) or get angry cuz he's just a messed up control freak and that's the kind of relationship he's looking for. If that happens, a swift kick to the family jewels should do it. Be sure to wear your steel-toed boots.

Definitely talk to your ESTP friend first, though. She should have even better advice since she's more privy to the situation.

Good luck!

 

[stellar renegade]

Oh, and as for getting over it... just think of every rotten thing he's ever said or done to you. All the good times should shrivel up in comparison and if they don't, then... well either he's a better boyfriend than you're telling us or the even better answer, you're too touchy-feely for your own good. Once you've sufficiently boiled up your feelings into a perfect storm of rage, then rip all his pictures up (print them out if you have to) or delete them or something. That way you'll have made a fairly irreversible step forward to breaking it off emotionally.

 

[Halla74]

Exactly. (I love the line about the rusty spoon - so true! )

You would, you ESTP you! Heh! Thanx!

Yeah, I read that post a couple times over and tried to figure out if I could ever associate with being that way, if there was anything you could do to smooth things out or if it made sense at all, and the conclusion I came up with was: he's just a douchebag, time to dump 'im. As far as I can tell, at least. I know how prone your type is to complaining and sometimes making things out to be worse than they are, but you also tend to get a little too attached for your own good and try to be sacrificially faithful.

Forget it. He's probably the one cheating anyway. Those who are guilty are usually also suspicious.

The profesor has spoken... <taking notes>

I think this statement is particularly brilliant: "He's probably the one cheating anyway. Those who are guilty are usually also suspicious."

Alright y'all... I see what you're saying. I actually just found out my best friend (a girl) is an ESTP and she absolutely hates my boyfriend. She also would never act anything like him. I think y'all are right, he's just a jerk no matter what type he is. Now... what is an ISFJ to do about this? I will admit that I am very emotionally attached and have a hard time leaving the relationship or getting over it.

Your GF is cool. Ask her how to dump this douchebag, and follow her advice to a "T." There is no one better at dumping than an ESTP, except for maybe an ENTP. When we are done, we are done, over, goodbye forever. I'd say (1) Tell him off, (2) tell him never to call you, speak to you, or look at you EVER again, and (3) turn around and walk away.

<Think "These Boots are Made for Walking" by Nancy Sinatra!>

 

[Halla74]

Oh, and as for getting over it... just think of every rotten thing he's ever said or done to you. All the good times should shrivel up in comparison and if they don't, then... well either he's a better boyfriend than you're telling us or the even better answer, you're too touchy-feely for your own good. Once you've sufficiently boiled up your feelings into a perfect storm of rage, then rip all his pictures up (print them out if you have to) or delete them or something. That way you'll have made a fairly irreversible step forward to breaking it off emotionally.

THIS!!! Do THIS!!! Pefect dump strategy! Go S.R.!