[INFJ] How does an INFJ show interest in someone?

[entropie]

[YOUTUBE="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZUPCB9533Y"][/YOUTUBE]

 

[AutumnReverie]

Hehe, thanks for that!

 

[entropie]

I would like to answer the op, but I am a big fan of INFJs not showing intrest in someone.

 

[21%]

But honestly, what's the difference between "date" and "hanging out"? Because, I don't understand (Other than the obvious, date implies that both parties are interested and each other, and there is sometimes physical intimacy). Or should that question be in it's own thread?

If we ever actually go on a date, how different will it be from our Saturday night hangouts? From the INFJ perspective: What would you do differently? Would you actually straight-up label it a "date" or would you just assume that there is some sort of unspoken agreement?

ETA: For the record, I do have a lot of guy friends. So I know what "hanging out" is in the context of hanging out in a group, hanging out with at least one other person there, hanging out/studying on a weekday night, etc. But not one-on-one dinner + activity + weekend night hanging out, so that's what I'm curious about. I usually only do that type of hanging out with a guy friend when he's gay (or when he's straight...but then he calls it a date).

And I'm sorry if this seems like an obvious question but, I can be socially retarded at times :blushing: (as in, I don't know always know what the "rules" are in the social/dating realm or what certain social terminology "means" ) so I always feel the need to ask when in doubt.

You are already dating! It's obvious! By coming up with the stay-in date, it seems like he's really trying to get closer to you. IMO stay-in dates are introverts' heaven, and I would only do it with someone I really, really like Because otherwise I'm usually very protective of my personal physical space, and I don't want just anyone inside.

If I may ask, has he ever had a girlfriend before? If not, or if he is not very experienced, the idea of labeling something as "dating" might seem really awkward. I know if my boyfriend had used the word "date" when asking me out for the first time, I would have blushed like crazy and run away. I was "hanging out" one-on-one with him for a long time before we finally made it official.

The signs are really good! Hope the date goes well!

 

[Requeim]

You are already dating! It's obvious! By coming up with the stay-in date, it seems like he's really trying to get closer to you. IMO stay-in dates are introverts' heaven, and I would only do it with someone I really, really like Because otherwise I'm usually very protective of my personal physical space, and I don't want just anyone inside.

i agree with all of this

It probably doesn't make a difference to him what you're calling it

 

[AutumnReverie]

You are already dating! It's obvious!

... ... Uh....

IMO stay-in dates are introverts' heaven, and I would only do it with someone I really, really like Because otherwise I'm usually very protective of my personal physical space, and I don't want just anyone inside.

I'm the same way, I rarely ever even invite my closest friends over to my place. I usually just go to their places because I'm very private about my personal space.

If I may ask, has he ever had a girlfriend before? If not, or if he is not very experienced, the idea of labeling something as "dating" might seem really awkward. I know if my boyfriend had used the word "date" when asking me out for the first time, I would have blushed like crazy and run away. I was "hanging out" one-on-one with him for a long time before we finally made it official.

Aww (re: you and your boyfriend) that's so cute! How long was a "long time"?

Yes, as far as I know, he's had a girlfriend before (in highschool, none yet in college though). Although, he said that he only dated girls within his circle of friends or something about how all the people in his circle just dated each other. Which just screamed "introvert/shy" to me, because that's what my circle of friends did in middle school (because asking someone outside the circle required more effort/initiative, confidence, and extroversion.)

I'm not in the same "circle of friends" as him though (as in, we don't have any mutual friends who we hang out with together), so I could see why he might be more cautious than usual.

The signs are really good! Hope the date goes well!

Thanks I decided not to try and hang out this weekend though, because I don't want him to feel like I'm monopolizing his Saturday nights. Unfortunately, the following weekend I'll be out of town. And the weekend after that, he'll be out of town. So we probably won't have another "date(?)/hanging out night" until November because we're both so busy with classes and organizations/activities during the weekdays to do anything as well.

QUESTION: Would it be too soon, if I inquired as to what his plans were this weekend? I really don't want to do it because, like I said, I don't want him to be annoyed or feel like I'm monopolizing his Saturday nights. But, if I don't, then we won't be able to do anything again till November...and I hate waiting.

EDIT: Nevermind, I think I'll just wait, I don't want to bother him...
EDIT 2: I just did my schedule for the weekend and I'm completely booked on both Friday & Saturday night , so I guess this weekend isn't ideal anyways (although, I could always make time )

It probably doesn't make a difference to him what you're calling it

B-b-but I like things clearly and accurately labeled so that I can categorize them correctly in my mind for future reference.
(Yes, my ISTJ is showing right now...)

 

[21%]

You are already dating! It's obvious!

... ... Uh....

To me, if that's not dating I don't know what it is

Aww (re: you and your boyfriend) that's so cute! How long was a "long time"?

It was two or three months of hanging out one-on-one almost everyday, plus a couple of movies on and off campus. Luckily we are both low-energy people . Lots of talking, though.

Yes, as far as I know, he's had a girlfriend before (in highschool, none yet in college though). Although, he said that he only dated girls within his circle of friends or something about how all the people in his circle just dated each other. Which just screamed "introvert/shy" to me, because that's what my circle of friends did in middle school (because asking someone outside the circle required more effort/initiative, confidence, and extroversion.)

I'm not in the same "circle of friends" as him though (as in, we don't have any mutual friends who we hang out with together), so I could see why he might be more cautious than usual.

I think this might be why he is more comfortable with a slow friend-to-girlfriend transition. From your post it seems that everyone he knows does it this way, so he might find it more natural to just let things develop. I also relate a lot to what other posters have said about the push-pull thing. At the beginning of my present relationship, I kept defining and redefining what our relationship was. I was always trying to figure out if I really liked him more than a friend, and to make sure that it was because I really liked him and not because of my own need to be with someone. I also had to make sure that he really liked me because of me and not because something he saw from the surface, like being nice and helpful. Also, there were issues of whether I was accommodating too much because I liked him and was therefore losing my own identity in the relationship. In short, the relationship was about figuring out who I was as much as who he was. I tried to take every possible factor into account, and this required a lot of processing time. There were times where I would choose not to hang out, even when I wanted to, because I felt my feelings were getting out of control and needed to redefine them. So if he doesn't seem to be making the extra effort to hang out with you, it could be that he needs alone time to think things through.

EDIT: Nevermind, I think I'll just wait, I don't want to bother him...
EDIT 2: I just did my schedule for the weekend and I'm completely booked on both Friday & Saturday night , so I guess this weekend isn't ideal anyways (although, I could still do something in the early evening Sat. night )

If I were him, I would really appreciate a text message during your 'tied-up' weekend. Extra points if it's sent in the middle of that something you are supposed to be doing (if he knows when exactly you're doing it). It doesn't have to be serious, but it shows that you are still thinking about him even when you are busy with your own stuff.

 

[AutumnReverie]

To me, if that's not dating I don't know what it is

Well, I guess that's a good sign then (that it, at least, seems like dating)

It was two or three months of hanging out one-on-one almost everyday, plus a couple of movies on and off campus. Luckily we are both low-energy people . Lots of talking, though.

That sounds great! I wish we still had a class together because, since we don't anymore, I don't see him at all during the week. =( And he's mentioned how completely full his class schedule is (and how he may have to drop a class) and how he's up till 3am doing homework. So I don't really feel comfortable suggesting any one-on-one get togethers during the weekdays. Plus, I'm pretty busy weeknights too (In fact when I told him about all my classwork + organization/committee stuff, he said that I sounded even busier than him! )

I thought about maybe asking him where he hangs out for lunch because last semester we would always eat together (one-on-one) for lunch at the student union. Would it be okay if I asked...
"Hey, do you still go to x for lunch?" (If he answers yes... "Oh well maybe we could meet up there sometime, like we used to?")

Or does that seem a little stalkerish? I definitely don't want to seem that way (And if he said yes, I'd probably only meet him maybe once a week) I've had about 2/3 people (new friends/acquaintances) ask me where I hang out in between classes/for lunch, so I don't think it's a creepy question. But I'm not sure how to ask without making it awkward. Knowing me, I'd probably ask abruptly out-of-nowhere because I don't know how to smoothly bring it up and ask.

I think this might be why he is more comfortable with a slow friend-to-girlfriend transition. From your post it seems that everyone he knows does it this way, so he might find it more natural to just let things develop. I also relate a lot to what other posters have said about the push-pull thing. At the beginning of my present relationship, I kept defining and redefining what our relationship was. I was always trying to figure out if I really liked him more than a friend, and to make sure that it was because I really liked him and not because of my own need to be with someone. I also had to make sure that he really liked me because of me and not because something he saw from the surface, like being nice and helpful. Also, there were issues of whether I was accommodating too much because I liked him and was therefore losing my own identity in the relationship. In short, the relationship was about figuring out who I was as much as who he was. I tried to take every possible factor into account, and this required a lot of processing time. There were times where I would choose not to hang out, even when I wanted to, because I felt my feelings were getting out of control and needed to redefine them. So if he doesn't seem to be making the extra effort to hang out with you, it could be that he needs alone time to think things through.

Thanks for this! This definitely helps me to understand better. I could see how maybe he does need more time to think things through. Although, at this rate, it seems like I may never find out if he really likes me until sometime next semester. Do you think it would scare him off if I ever broached the subject sooner than that?

If I were him, I would really appreciate a text message during your 'tied-up' weekend. Extra points if it's sent in the middle of that something you are supposed to be doing (if he knows when exactly you're doing it). It doesn't have to be serious, but it shows that you are still thinking about him even when you are busy with your own stuff.

I could do that! Thanks for the suggestion.

 

[Nyx]

Initially: By not showing interest in them. By showing less interest in them than anyone else in the room.

 

[BlackCat]

Yeah it would be a good idea to text him a good bit over the busy weekend as a way of saying "I wish I could hang out with you but I'm busy." Also bring up how you would like to hang out sometime. You're both Js, make some plans!

 

[AutumnReverie]

Yeah it would be a good idea to text him a good bit over the busy weekend as a way of saying "I wish I could hang out with you but I'm busy."

Hi BlackCat Yes, I'll definitely text him over the weekend!

Also bring up how you would like to hang out sometime. You're both Js, make some plans!

But we already told each other that we want to hang out again soon at the end of the night on Saturday (and the next morning/day via text as well)...so wouldn't me saying it again be repetitive and/or sound desperate? Obviously, I have no idea since I don't have much experience with this ...but I'm just asking you to make sure.

Plus, I'll be out of town next weekend...so bringing it up when I can't actually commit to any weekend plans would not be good, right? Or are you saying I should just say something like: "I still really want to hang out again soon, but I've just been so busy. =(" ?

Initially: By not showing interest in them. By showing less interest in them than anyone else in the room.

Haha, well I have no idea how he acted around me initially. Although I was in the same class as him all semester, I didn't even notice him until mid-late in the semester when we got paired together in a group for a project. Then we actually got to talk, and remained partners for any in-class work or out-of-class project thereafter.

And by "didn't even notice", I mean that I literally cannot even remember him being in the class. Unless someone talks to me directly, I don't usually notice them because I'm thinking about the class. The same thing happened with my other INFJ friend too. He and I were in the same Art History class all semester, but I didn't even notice him until he and I talked on the last day. It was a very small class too and, to this day, I still can't remember him being in the class prior to when we talked!

You INFJs can be very "under the radar", hehe.

 

[entropie]

But you know the ultimate answers to your neverending questions only he can give in the end, dont you ?

 

[AutumnReverie]

But you know the ultimate answers to your neverending questions only he can give in the end, dont you ?

Um, yes, I know. But this is helping me better understand his type and is helping me to pick up/learn about social cues I would have otherwise not seen. Everyone here has been extremely kind and informative and I appreciate it. hug:s to all the INFJs who have been posting here!)

By the way, if you don't like my questions and aren't interested in the topic/op then you could always...not go into the thread. You know, "scroll".

 

[entropie]

sure, sry

I just will never understand how knowing ones mbti type does give you information about a human being and besides that, if the assesment is made by multiple persons, which are multiple different views on the matter.

I am more of the I defend myself with my own gun kind

go on here

 

[AutumnReverie]

(It's okay! I responded to you on your profile, so the thread wouldn't go off topic.)

 

[ilovelurking]

Plus, I'll be out of town next weekend...so bringing it up when I can't actually commit to any weekend plans would not be good, right? Or are you saying I should just say something like: "I still really want to hang out again soon, but I've just been so busy. =(" ?


You INFJs can be very "under the radar", hehe.

I'm a girl but then again I'm INFJ, too. "Can't wait to see you, soon." Sounds more " -ish"

My mom is ISTJ. She thinks I'm like a ninja, which means sometimes she has no idea I'm right behind her etc.

 

[sLiPpY]

INFJ's have social Q's? j/k

 

[AutumnReverie]

Hi there!

I'm a girl but then again I'm INFJ, too. "Can't wait to see you, soon." Sounds more " -ish"

You're right that does sound more -ish!

My mom is ISTJ. She thinks I'm like a ninja, which means sometimes she has no idea I'm right behind her etc.

INFJs can be pretty stealth, haha.

INFJ's have social Q's? j/k

Do they?

 

[BlackCat]

But we already told each other that we want to hang out again soon at the end of the night on Saturday (and the next morning/day via text as well)...so wouldn't me saying it again be repetitive and/or sound desperate? Obviously, I have no idea since I don't have much experience with this ...but I'm just asking you to make sure.

Plus, I'll be out of town next weekend...so bringing it up when I can't actually commit to any weekend plans would not be good, right? Or are you saying I should just say something like: "I still really want to hang out again soon, but I've just been so busy. =(" ?

Oh, I didn't read anything but the OP when I first saw this thread and the post that I responded with.

You sound like you're doing good.

 

[souffle]

Yay, things have progressed a little since I was last on here!

Why this fear of appearing too desperate through repeated texting and asking about your hang outs? I think it's a nice subtle way to let him know you're interested, without making a bold move on him, which you don't feel ready to do right now.

And no, asking him where he hangs out for lunch is not bad or stalkerish. See above paragraph! And be honest, let him know that you're asking because you want to get that time with him that you're too busy to get anywhere else at the moment.

Or you could just wait longingly and painfully until November, making the eventual hang out all the more satisfying. Cos of the abscence making the heart grow fonder stuff. And your survival throughout the no hang out period would be maintained through that good ol' subtely ish "Can't wait to hang out again" texting.

I'm finishing this post now. I hope you found some of it useful!