[INFJ] How does an INFJ show interest in someone?

[thats.mana]

If you have netflix watch "Tears of Black Tiger", It's a Thai spaghetti western love story. Ofcourse you have to go back to either yours or his place but it's worth it.

But if you can't, try and find something introspective and be prepared to discuss it with him later. I hate to help with the emotional manipulation of a an infj but I feel your intentions are pure, haha.

 

[AutumnReverie]

I do have netflix! I actually have three foreign films checked out already that I haven't watched yet: "Love Songs" (French), "One Missed Call" (Japanese), and "Cold Prey" (Norwegian). But I'll definitely watch them before next weekend, so I can always exchange them for something else.

If you have netflix watch "Tears of Black Tiger", It's a Thai spaghetti western love story. Ofcourse you have to go back to either yours or his place but it's worth it.

Hmm, I'll check it out! Although, I'm not sure about a western...or a love story But I'll definitely look into it. Is there a trailer out on YT or anything? I'm thinking a comedy might be fun or a horror.

But if you can't, try and find something introspective and be prepared to discuss it with him later. I hate to help with the emotional manipulation of a an infj but I feel your intentions are pure, haha.

Oh haha, I definitely don't want to emotional manipulate anyone I would never do that nor do I know how. But yeah, I'm already prepared for discussion. I spent a decent chunk of my summer watching movies with a different INFJ friend of mine. And, no matter what the movie was, he always wanted to deeply discuss and analyze them for hours afterward. But it was fun discussing.

EDIT:
Apparently this is playing at the local foreign film theater next week...
"A Woman in Berlin" (German)
Set in 1945 during the Red Army invasion of Berlin. Women are victims; one of them is Anonyma, who had been a journalist and photographer. In her desperation, she decides to look for an officer who can protect her. She meets a Russian officer Andrej - an encounter which develops into a complex symbiotic relationship that forces them to remain enemies until the bitter end.

 

[souffle]

Apparently this is playing at the local foreign film theater next week...
"A Woman in Berlin" (German)
Set in 1945 during the Red Army invasion of Berlin. Women are victims; one of them is Anonyma, who had been a journalist and photographer. In her desperation, she decides to look for an officer who can protect her. She meets a Russian officer Andrej - an encounter which develops into a complex symbiotic relationship that forces them to remain enemies until the bitter end.

Sounds like a unique, fascinating and intellectually stimulating choice. Perfect!

 

[istina]

Where's our update?

 

[AutumnReverie]

Where's our update?

Update? Well he didn't make back in town in time (I'm assuming since he never called to tell me that he had made it in time/he said he would call if he made it back in time) and he hasn't contacted me all weekend. So yeah...I'm not sure what to do. It's like on Wed. - Fri. he was being all attentive and assuring me that he likes talking to me/wants to spend more time with me. And then Sat. - Mon. comes and I never hear from him I don't know what to do ...I don't want to pursue someone who's not interested in me. But it's so hard to figure out what he's thinking. Especially for me, since I'm not an N, I don't "just know" things ...and I'm not an F, so I'm not really in-tune with people's "feelings" (although, I try! I feel like I've become more balanced with my F/T this year). I usually go on what I actually see and hear, which can be difficult to interpret as well (since I tend to over think :blushing.

Oh well *sigh*...I'll just see how it goes. He said that he wanted to go see an int'l film together, so I'll just text/call him up on Thursday or something and ask if he still wants to do that. ...or maybe not call/text at all?

 

[LotsOfHeart]

TO INFJs (preferably males, but females can answer as well):
1. How would you try to catch the eye of another person?
2. Would you ever ask somebody out before they had demonstrated distinct interest in you?
3. Once you have made contact, do you try to define the dating relationship? Or do you go with the flow?
4. On a first date, how do you usually act?
5. How would you like to be approached/asked out by an interested person?
6. How long does it take for you to decide to date exclusively?
7. What do you do that you consider a "dead give-away" that you like somebody?
8. How often do you take the initiative/make the first move/ask someone out?
9. What would be your ideal date (activity)?
10. How should one go about pursuing you?

ULTIMATE QUESTION: (if you'd rather just answer one instead of ten) How do you show interest in someone?

Also if other types want to jump in that's fine too. My personal situation aside, I'm definitely interested in seeing how other types would answer these questions as well!

Edited to add: Our ages (if it matters): I'm about to turn 21, he's about to turn 20.

Hi, I'm a male INFJ. I will try to answer your questions and be as helpful as possible.

1. I have trouble with this since I often seem to go unnoticed, especially by extroverted types. I guess the main thing I try to do is just go straight up and talk to the person, or plan out a way to "run into them by pure chance that was not at all planned." Maybe I would also just say hi, and give a compliment, although that more evolved and useful technique is rather new to me.

2. Generally no. I don't take too many social risks, although I will do it if I feel it's the only way to get the attention of the person of my affection. I fear coming across as desperate or just socially clueless to a girl at any time. So I try to build something and then when I feel I'm getting somewhere I'll go for it. But, again, if I felt the only way I would go out with her was by just getting out of the blue and putting myself out there, I would do it. It's definitely not something that comes easily for me, though.

3. My process of dating selection is a bit on the picky side, so chances are anyone I go with will probably be someone I'll want to see again. But, I'll go with the flow...I'm still learning, myself, so that's what I do.

4. I try to keep a conversation going as much as comfortably possible...I hate awkward silence, but I don't force things. Otherwise I just try to present myself well and grease the wheels of social interaction as much as I can. Maybe I'm different from most INFJs in this respect, but I just really want to interact...I don't really care about "evaluating" the person. If necessary, I can always do that later, on my own time when I can think about it.

5. I don't believe in girls asking guys out, but I love when a girl approaches me in a friendly way with a compliment indicating she's interested.

6. Hmmm...Don't really have a set time for that. When it's right, it's right.

7. That's a tough question for me to answer... I guess it depends on the situation, but usually I will do or say something very direct.

8. I have to do it all the time, but I have trouble constantly putting myself out there...But maybe that's just my problem.

9. Eating at a restaurant, maybe going to a movie.

10. I want them to show interest and be friendly, so I know they won't reject me.

Anyway, after reading this topic, I'm sorry to hear he's being a little unresponsive. He could either be really shy, or maybe just needs to work on his social skills (or both). Standing someone up is not cool. I hope everything works out for you, and this may help you out. Remember not to take it too personally, it probably has nothing to do with you. Keep working with him, maybe he will come out of his shell eventually.

 

[AutumnReverie]

Hi, I'm a male INFJ. I will try to answer your questions and be as helpful as possible.

Hi there! Thanks so much for answering my questions. Reading your answers definitely helps me better understand (the male INFJ). I'm going to read them over again and I'll post if I have any questions or things I'd like a little elaboration on.

Anyway, after reading this topic, I'm sorry to hear he's being a little unresponsive. He could either be really shy, or maybe just needs to work on his social skills (or both). Standing someone up is not cool. I hope everything works out for you, and this may help you out. Remember not to take it too personally, it probably has nothing to do with you. Keep working with him, maybe he will come out of his shell eventually.

Yeah, I'm not quite sure what happened there. He's an incredibly nice guy (in fact, I was so surprised to find someone so genuinely nice that I actually told him how nice I thought he was one of the first times we really started having discussions --- and, as an ISTJ, I compliment people rarely...so I really meant it). So I'm definitely confused as to what happened this weekend. I already know, from him and his friends, that he barely uses his phone or texts but still...I would've expected a courtesy "It doesn't look like I'm going to make it back in time" or "Sorry we couldn't do something this weekend" text. I'm not mad or anything because I'm sure he was busy with what was going on with his family friend's mom (and I guess, technically, he said he would contact if he could make it but not if he couldn't make it )...but still, if he really liked me one would think that he'd still something.

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and won't take it personally, but I'm still confused. Apparently INFJs would only ask out, have one-on-one friday night dinners with, make time for (etc.) people they were interested in. So, he must be a little interested in me since that's what he's done with me in the past (and made plans to do in the future). But, maybe he's just not interested...enough?

Aaah I'm sorry to rant! I'll just wait till we go out again (whenever that is) to evaluate what's going on.

 

[LotsOfHeart]

Maybe talk to him about it a little bit too. Don't dwell on it and be careful how you say things, but maybe ask him, "what happened last time if you don't mind me asking? Was everything OK?" I'm surprised an INFJ would stand someone up, because that conflicts with the depth of caring they usually have. Something might've happened. But have a good time, that's the most important thing. We're all rooting for you here.

 

[AutumnReverie]

Maybe talk to him about it a little bit too. Don't dwell on it and be careful how you say things, but maybe ask him, "what happened last time if you don't mind me asking? Was everything OK?" I'm surprised an INFJ would stand someone up, because that conflicts with the depth of caring they usually have. But have a good time, that's the most important thing. We're all rooting for you here.

Hm, I mean it's not really "standing me up" since the plans were tentative. He said that he would call (and we would go together) if he made it back on time...which I guess he didn't. But still, it was weird for him not make a courtesy call because, like you said, it conflicts with the INFJs depth of caring (which I know he has -- in the past whenever we had definitive plans, even if he's going to be a couple minutes late he usually called and let me know). So maybe he just figured that it was a very "casual" plan (which it was since I almost even invited my friends to come along) and that my going was not dependent on him?

Oh well, like I said, I'm not mad and wasn't even going to mention it to him (well, I may casually mention it/ask about it when we hang out again but not via text). Aw, thanks for the support! I do hope it was just a misunderstanding, because it just seems very out-of-character of him otherwise. I guess I'll just see how it goes. I probably won't contact him again till later on in the week though.

 

[workaholicsanon]

I agree that an INFJ would not just stand someone up intentionally, and that goes even for someone they might not be that interested in. Maybe there was some miscommunication/misunderstanding of the tentative plan "plan" between the 2 of you? Or, maybe there really was an urgent situation (such as family friend's mom being really sick, landing in the hospital, or something) that caused him to lose track of time or to forget about the possible meeting with you? Maybe his family was monopolizing all of his attention etc. Family gets prioritized over friends in the INFJ world and especially in an emergent situation, other things could escape our minds (always inadvertantly and only temporarily). Of course, if I did that to anyone, I would email/text as soon as I remembered and would be very remorseful and mortified that I must have hurt that person deeply. I'd actually never forgive myself for that (and would continue remembering such a situation for years with great guilt), and it's possible that I could retreat/withdraw in shame.

 

[AutumnReverie]

I could definitely understand that ^ scenario. In fact, I did a similar thing to a friend of mine three years ago (made tentative plans with him, family thing came up & I forgot, then I didn't contact him at all afterward because I was embarrassed that I had done that...so I avoided). He ended up being really mad at me for a week or so, but I eventually apologized and we made up.

So that's why, in this situation, I can't help but give him the benefit of the doubt.

Anyways, I ended up sending him a text about a minute or so ago...basically I just jokingly referred to/asked about him not making it on Saturday. Told him that it was okay because we lost the game anyways lol. And said that I hoped everything went well back home (with a smiley face). I guess I'll see how he ends up responding to that.

EDIT: Nevermind, it's all good.

 

[AutumnReverie]

So, just an update (for anyone still interested in knowing )...

Our 2nd "hang out" (Skip if don't want the details! )
Earlier this week, around Wed., he asked me if I wanted to hang out Saturday night. I agreed and mentioned a movie I wanted to see, then he asked if I wanted to eat beforehand. And thus, our plans were made!

Well last night we went out. The place I chose to eat at was really busy, so I suggested just walking/driving around downtown for another place. But then every restaurant we went to had like a 40 min. wait (which was really strange, even for a Saturday night). Anyways, after checking out like 5 different restaurants we ended up leaving downtown and going to a restaurant near where I live (which was only 10 minutes away).

It was fun though, we talked a lot while walking downtown and driving (and throughout the whole night). Dinner was good: he had a steak and I had salmon. The only awkward part, inevitably, was the "bill". When the waitress asked if we wanted the bill together or split, we both answered differently at the exact same time (him: "together", me: "split"). Which was a little awkward directly afterwards. After a bit of silence, the waitress said that she would just put the bill down and let us decide amongst ourselves later. I went to the restroom, came back, and he (the INFJ) had already paid for it.

Next, we went to the movies! Although, I picked a theater that neither of us had ever been to before and I only had a general idea of where it was at. So we ended up lost. I tried calling the theater and no one would answer! Then eventually, I suggested asking for directions. So we stopped at a hotel and I asked them about the movie place and we got directions and a map! We ended up seeing "Zombieland" (he already had seen it, but he said he liked it and would love to see it again if that's what I wanted to see), haha, and I paid for the movie because I felt bad about him taking the dinner bill .

Then he dropped me off at my apartment! Basically, he said about the same things as the last time we went out (i.e. "I had a fun time", "We should definitely do this again", etc.) and he also said that since we've done the dinner thing already we could do something else the next time

Oh, and I did give him a hug this time. Although, it was one of those awkward in-the-car type of hugs unfortunately.

When he was talking to me at the end of the evening (--> dropping me off), I didn't really say much and (again) was half-way out the door. And I think I may have even been not as enthusiastic as I should have been (even though I was on the inside). I think it's just because I get uncomfortable when the mood changes to something more "serious" or a discussion of "feelings". But, I'll try to improve!

Anyways, my friend suggested that I text him this morning and assure him that I had a good time too (so that he wouldn't misinterpret my feelings-averse end-of-the-night natural disposition). So I did! I told him "I don't think I was clear, but I really had a good time last night and look forward hanging out again sometime soon!". He replied that he had a great time too and was looking forward to next time as well.

************************

While we were driving, he also mentioned liking to "stay in" and having fun doing something low key. So I told him the next time we hang out we can have a board games/"low key" night! I'm thinking board games & ravoli (I'll cook or...try ) and then later horror movies & popcorn.

To sum up: I still didn't get any direct confirmation from him that he's romantically interested in me. But, hopefully, maybe next time...

 

[Cimarron]

And I think I may have even been not as enthusiastic as I should have been (even though I was on the inside). I think it's just because I get uncomfortable when the mood changes to something more "serious" or a discussion of "feelings".

Hehe, I understand that part.

Sounds like things have been great, I don't see much to "worry" about.

 

[AutumnReverie]

Hehe, I understand that part.

Haha, yeah, I need to work on that!

Sounds like things have been great, I don't see much to "worry" about.

I hope there's nothing to worry about! I spoke to my other INFJ friend last night and he said that he would never pay for someone else's dinner bill "just to be nice". He said that, personally, he wouldn't pay for the person unless the person was someone he was really good long-time friends with or someone he really liked. So I'm hoping that's true!

But I don't want to "count my chickens", or whatever, and assume anything...

 

[fill]

After a bit of silence, the waitress said that she would just put the bill down and let us decide amongst ourselves later. I went to the restroom, came back, and he (the INFJ) had already paid for it.

I've actually done this. Sounds like a really nice guy.

Honestly, you're probably going to have to 'make the first move'. Actually, don't even do that. Just tell him you like him. Even if he doesn't feel the same way, he'll definitely appreciate your forwardness. Seriously, if he's just being a really good friend by paying the bill, then that's a friendship you don't want to lose; you definitely won't if you're direct.

EDIT: I didn't want to mention it in fear of sounding like a bad person, but I probably wouldn't pay a bill unless I liked the person, hah.

 

[istina]

I hate to speak for someone else's feelings, but if he's not interested in you romantically... no, I just can't see any way he's not.

Good call on suggesting board games. Very, very excited for you!

 

[AutumnReverie]

Honestly, you're probably going to have to 'make the first move'. Actually, don't even do that. Just tell him you like him. Even if he doesn't feel the same way, he'll definitely appreciate your forwardness. Seriously, if he's just being a really good friend by paying the bill, then that's a friendship you don't want to lose; you definitely won't if you're direct.

This idea scares me. Social "risks" are a no-no for me. Honestly though, if he still doesn't say anything the next Saturday night that we hang out, then the next time I'll really push myself to step forward. But hopefully it doesn't come to that! I'd so rather be the "responder" and have someone else be the "initiator" The bad thing is, he probably feels the same way...

EDIT: I didn't want to mention it in fear of sounding like a bad person, but I probably wouldn't pay a bill unless I liked the person, hah.

I don't think that makes you a bad person! Going out to eat is expensive, which is why (even though I like him) I said "split" instead of "together" when the waitress asked.

I hate to speak for someone else's feelings, but if he's not interested in you romantically... no, I just can't see any way he's not.

Good call on suggesting board games. Very, very excited for you!

*crosses fingers*

I'm excited for the "board game night" as well! I definitely don't want him to think he has to spend a lot of money to hang out with me. I like staying in and having fun at home just as much (if not more) than going out, haha.

And thanks again for all the help, INFJs! I really appreciate (and need) it.

 

[Requeim]

oh man, you're so cool

i wish someone would go through all that for me *sigh*

 

[ReadingRainbows]

oh man, you're so cool

i wish someone would go through all that for me *sigh*

Ditto! Agreed

 

[AutumnReverie]

Haha, aw thanks guys!

But honestly, what's the difference between "date" and "hanging out"? Because, I don't understand (Other than the obvious, date implies that both parties are interested and each other, and there is sometimes physical intimacy). Or should that question be in it's own thread?

If we ever actually go on a date, how different will it be from our Saturday night hangouts? From the INFJ perspective: What would you do differently? Would you actually straight-up label it a "date" or would you just assume that there is some sort of unspoken agreement?

ETA: For the record, I do have a lot of guy friends. So I know what "hanging out" is in the context of hanging out in a group, hanging out with at least one other person there, hanging out/studying on a weekday night, etc. But not one-on-one dinner + activity + weekend night hanging out, so that's what I'm curious about. I usually only do that type of hanging out with a guy friend when he's gay (or when he's straight...but then he calls it a date).

And I'm sorry if this seems like an obvious question but, I can be socially retarded at times :blushing: (as in, I don't know always know what the "rules" are in the social/dating realm or what certain social terminology "means" ) so I always feel the need to ask when in doubt.