I really relate to this as well. I have a lot of anger and with me I think a lot of my problem with it stems from the fact that I've never had any place to put it. In my family, anger toward anyone else in the family was NOT acceptable. Hence, we're a bunch of complainers who filter our anger at each other through petty everyday annoyances with life. It wasn't even a matter of rage or yelling being unacceptable, if you were upset at someone else in the family and even just calmly said "What you did upset me", it would be invalidated.
I agree with what someone else wrote here, about anger really coming from other emotions. For me this is true. I can't think of a time when I was angry that I wasn't actually hurt by something. When feeling personally hurt is invalidated, I think it's like some recipe for massive rage. I've been through it, and I think a lot of my anger comes from feeling that my emotions and reactions are invalid out there. I get angriest when I'm feeling like I have no place to put my feelings. I definitely feel wired to acknowledge the feelings of others before I'll acknowledge my own, I can be bad at asking for acknowledgment, and hence sometimes it's like when I get angry, it's not ONE thing, it's this amalgamation of all these feelings.
I'm not sure if you're in the same position (I think you might be) but do you feel like you HAVE to be the strong one? Not just others wanting you and depending on you to be the strong one, but also holding yourself to that deep inside too? It's like if you feel sadness creeping in to the point you want to just lay down or if you get get angry it feels like this irritating intrusion?
If you feel that, just know I feel that too! The whole thing where times of strife when I can't just control everything going on inside me can feel like an utter failure on my part. Feeling anger in the first place can just make me feel THAT much angrier. Then I get the same way, I just feel so much anger that I could pound on a cardboard box for an hour for all the good it will do in alleviating it.
I think the biggest challenge for me on the anger front has been starting with validating my own feelings in the first place so that it doesn't build into that rage. I don't think anyone can go without getting angry sometimes, I personally feel it is human and it's going to happen. When it's that boiling rage that cuts down to the bone, that's the potentially destructive thing, and I see that for myself.
For me, I personally feel the root of my anger goes deep, and it begins and ends with me feeling invalidated and neglected early on in my life. It set the stage for the rest of my relationships, and I spent too many years around people who also invalidated my feelings. So basically, I not only have a shit load of invalidated feelings inside me, but I'm also coping with the fact that I've learned not to acknowledge my VERY OWN feelings.
I fail to validate myself, I don't realize half the time when I've actually really been hurt or offended by something, and then it's like all of this stews there until I pop with rage. It can suck, because I'm not DENYING I have the feelings, it's like I literally don't realize I'm actually having them!
I've been trying to find ways to get more in touch with myself and how I'm feeling about things. This is HARD, but I'm trying to pay more attention to the all around mood I'm in in reference to what is going on around me. Instead of talking myself out of how I feel, I am trying to let myself feel that way and then validate it.
For instance, I stopped and realized I suddenly felt uneasy and uncomfortable one afternoon when I took the time to 'check in' with me. It took a few moments but I realized it was because the phone had been ringing all day long which is rare around here. Instead of telling myself "How silly", I just let myself BE who I am. Simultaneously I let my rationale tell me that nothing bad was going to happen because phones were ringing at the same time I let myself accept that I get nervous about ringing phones because I get antsy about potential impromptu obligations. I just let myself validate my own feeling instead of criticizing myself for having it. Then I didn't feel so uneasy all of a sudden.
It's sort of like facing up to that inner warden in my head that will pass judgment on my feelings and sock them away as invalid if I tell myself things like "I'm being stupid right now" or other such things. I think sometimes INFJs get a rep for being 'biters' because a lot of us might be dealing with this asshole of an inner critic that says getting anything WRONG is unacceptable, and it has this seemingly infinite list of things that are WRONG. I find the better I get at acknowledging my own feelings AS THEY ARE instead of picking them apart, the more laid back and able I am to cope without that rage having it's way with me.
It's an ongoing thing and I'm still just up and down with it. I've also sort of had to get better at letting go of my fixation on injustice and the critic that also gets angry about the actions of others which I perceive to be unfair. That can really get me seething, injustices and inconsideration toward others (all branches from the same roots). I've had to stop and surmise situations around me, ask myself if there is anything I CAN do or am WILLING to do about it. If the answer is "No", I have been teaching myself to just let it float out of my head. It helps with the rage.
I have gone on so long here, but I hope perhaps something I mentioned might be helpful. I just relate a whole lot and I'm trying to figure out ways to calm the rage. I don't think anyone can get to a state where they never get angry about anything, in fact I think never getting angry about anything is rather unhealthy to be honest. That rage though, that's a different thing and it's not good times. I think there are ways to calm it, to get to a point where all the feelings have a place to go and things come to an even keel.
I hope we both get there!!!
