Grief - How Do You Cope with an Unanswerable Loss?

[Domino]

(I will preface this by saying that I do believe in God and something after this life is over, but I’m pretty Deist at this point, so I won’t shun spiritual advice if that’s what you feel lead to share)

I was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years ago. I’m well now. But a very close member of my ‘tribe’, an ENTP I met when we were both teenagers, was diagnosed with cancer at the same time as I was. Long story short(ened): he didn’t make it. We were summoned to his bedside as he was dying and the pain from losing him has haunted me with no real sense of letting up.

It was a deeply traumatic death (all of his friends were reeling from it, it felt so desperately wrong), very emotional and brutal. He was basically slowly suffocating as his lungs destroyed themselves. My twin sister and I were some of his special people so going to hospice when summoned was happening no matter how bad I felt from surgery and radiation. He asked for me specifically bc we had a unique bond. (He’d been in love with me once, but was too damaged from a horrible life to face me without fear of being exposed.)

I have a therapist who’s trying to help me move through this (among many things). I know grief isn’t a straight-line motion. I just feel like I’m ‘supposed’ to have stopped ugly crying by now.

How have you coped with the loss of a dearly loved person? What did it feel like and what did you do to gain some balance? All types welcome to advise me.

Dom

 

[Population: 1]

My father died over six and a half years ago from complications with pneumonia. Watching someone waste away and essentially drown while on a respirator is pretty awful. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure losing a loved one in that fashion.

It took me years to adjust to my father’s absence. The intense pain is still there, waiting for me like a place you find yourself visiting accidentally from time to time. Existence- time- has been merciful in the sense that it moves me forward and distracts me with new experiences. You’ve suffered a traumatic loss and that impact will never be made trivial. It can be made to be manageable with time. Hopefully, you’ll visit the rawness of that loss less and less but you will probably find moments when his absence will strike you with a wave of profound sadness.

I didn’t have an organized response to processing the grief. I figuratively limped on through the first few months dealing with a wider hellish aftermath created from my dad’s passing. I don’t think I could even sort it out for the first year. Grief is such an individualized journey, just as your relationship with the departed was.

I’m sorry I don’t have more to offer in helpful advice. I do wish you the best and hope this can become more manageable for you as you progress through the pain.

 

[The Cat]

Some days you will. Some days, the tears are miles away and there's nothing but the memories of the good times past. Other times the tears arent there, till you realize there gone, and all you can think about is the profound loss spiced with just a hint of feeling like a betrayor because you werent thinking about them at all, and the tears come back harder. But it'll pass. Then come back. Maybe theres a bit of survivors guilt, and maybe there's not. It's never easy when a loved one travels into the west.

For what comfrot it may offer you;

 

[Abcdenfp]

I am sorry for your loss, Grieving is not a process we are exposed to everyday and certainly a topic that most people don't want to touch or feel at a loss to assist with. But it is a very natural response and it affects our minds body's and hearts. We also need help processing this in a healthy way.
I would recommend looking up grief therapy and seeing if there is a provider near you , they have a work book for those who want to process on their own and group therapy sessions that are specifically geared towards processing grief (I highly recommend the group sessions)
i had the opportunity to experience one of these therapy sessions and I will never view grief the same way again.

 

[senza tema]

I have a couple of things to share, neither of which is strictly advice. First, this poem:

Second, I know Louis CK is not in fashion for very good reasons ... but someone I care about shared this clip when I was coping with loss ... and I thought I'd pass it along because it is great.

Real love is painful. Keep ugly crying as long as you need and pass love along. I feel like these are already things you are so, so good at you could write the literal fucking book on it.

 

[Maou]

I don't cope very well...but I also don't let people close enough to really affect me. I feel too deeply to allow that to happen easily.

 

[Mole]

There is no answer. The best we can do is share the grief of another.

 

[Kanra Jest]

First time my cat died I cried as a little kid. Buried it in the backyard with it's own tombstone.

Second time my cat died I got more upset than anything... quickly replaced with a new cat. Rinse and repeat, most my cats have died by unnatural causes. Usually cayote's. At this point I last had a cat die a year or two ago, yet again a stupid cayote. At this point I'm numbed to it. It's whatever. Makes me want to slit their throat if they do anything to my cats again and I happen to be in the area. Sick of it.

Now you might be wondering. Why am I mentioning cats? Well, because most people I've noticed pass on are family members who mean nothing to me. They are not a part of my life and I barely knew them. "Friends" sorta. My close friends do mean something, but overall I have always had more an attachment to animals as a kid. By far. I think I still do. They're more pure and innocent.

One human, however, raised me. My grandmother. I watched her die slowly of cancer on her death bed. I was ... I'm not sure what I felt. I was stressed because my dad and others were all stressed, everyone's all in tears about it when it happens and I'm just numb. All that I thought of was "so this is what happens... we live... then we die... just like that we are nothing but an empty shell." I was told to hug that empty shell before it was hauled off. As it wasn't her anymore, just a thing. The essence of who she was just went poof just like that, and for some reason I didn't feel anything much other than worrying about my own mortality. I don't know what to think about that... I questioned if I was a sociopath

She raised me all my life. I should have had a very deep bond with her. But I didn't feel much. I just numbed out others emotions and moved on with my life. Hoping her death doesn't effect my life. And it didn't. But it was strange. I will say though that her and I didn't have the best life experience. She would often fight with me about my style, my hair, little superficial things like that and how we "should be". She was abused by her husband earlier on in life, divorced, and took care of me by herself while my dad was off working all the time. But despite those fights, we had some peaceful heart felt moments at times. She was very bitter and cranky all her life from that former abuse. Very negative. So I can see why she was as she was, but perhaps that made her distant to me. Either way, she apologized on her death bed, and it's amazing how when death's door is right around the corner, people will admit things they never could before... like guilt.

I had a few others almost die too and even something happening to myself and I didn't care but for a flicker. I just went "huh... wow... so that happened" Like I don't know how to process it.

How does one deal with grief? I numb out. I don't know how else to. Forgetting if I even felt anything, really. I prefer to keep an emotional distance. Why be vulnerable and constantly effected by the happenings in the world. I detach from the happenings of the world in general. Usually. Only because my feelings won't change anything and it's not useful to feel when it won't do anything. There's just so much negativity in it.

A psychologist wrote me down for Alexythemia. Apparent that's a thing. Difficulty understanding and expressing one's own emotions.

basically

 

[Obfuscate]

umm... i feel too uncomfortable to speak at the funeral so i sneak out with people that smoke to do so, at which point i find i am capable of tears... then i proceed to focus on anthing but my loss until i am too drunk to ignore it (because highly developed people like myself only cry when too drunk to do anything else *wink*) ... then i pretend nothing has changed for years at a time until some moment prefabricated to pull at the heart strings catches me off guard and i cry again... the rest of my life i spend with my big boy pants on, and i distact myself with the trivial necesities of sustaining life... eventually i feel mostly better despite the fact that the death of others is imminent...after that i throw myself blindly at human connection until i get shit upon... then i lose faith with humanity and wonder why i cared so much at all... then something or other reminds me that i am connected to this plane of reality and i dread my next loss...


i doubt any of that helped, but my empathy is running low in this department at present (despite a recurring theme of loss: much of which is focused on cancer)... i wish i had something comforting to say. but life sucks and those of us who live through it just have to deal...

what gets trippy is being at a funeral in which noone is certain the bereaved is deceased...

clearly booze is helping me in all of this... *takes another drink*

 

[tinker683]

One day at a time.

The really crappy part about loss is that there is no quick fix, there is no magic pill. Just time, giving yourself a break, and picking yourself up everyday. Don't be afraid to cry, don't be afraid to allow yourself to break a little, and allow the people who love you to love you and give you strength.

Don't hide from your feelings. Feel them. Allow yourself to grieve. Bottling it up/putting on a strong face/thinking your grief is a burden to the people around you will only lengthen your pain and make it hurt more.

I'm so sorry for your loss

 

[Tater]

That sucks. So, he died without having faced you about loving you. On top of that, he fought the same battle and he failed to make it, in contrast with you. So I assume you have some survivor's guilt in addition to having unresolved questions about what could have been. I'm sorry to hear that.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

Loss and grief also shape my life, moreso than anything else. I don't have any magical answers right now as I'm processing everything myself, but I do know that pushing the feelings away isn't the answer, nor is judging yourself for not feeling differently. What also might help and tends to be difficult for 4s is to flip things around so you see them in a different light. This isn't aiming spotlights at the matter until all the shadows disappear. Rather, it's turning the scene toward the sun and observing the beauty of the light and shadow entwined, recognizing that they are one.

Remember your loved one. Thank him for everything he brought to your life because he shaped you for better. Thank him for showing you that nothing in life is guaranteed to be permanent and use that as motivation to be in the present moment, in your body. Focus on your breath, breathe into the area below your navel. Do not push the feelings away or overanalyze them or amplify them so that you can feel a lasting connection to him via loss. Just let them do their own thing while breathing, staying centered in your body and gut center. When the feeling naturally subsides a bit, do not cling to it. Do not squeeze another breath out of it and instead continue to breath from the present. Open your eyes (because they've likely been closed) and look around you to reground yourself where you are. Let out a long breath of release, then get up and go for a short walk or do some stretches/light yoga for a moment.

Do this as often as it comes on. If you feel a need to process thoughts and feelings afterward with a clearer headspace, then by all means, write about it. Write to him, write to your God, write to yourself, write to past you or future you, just write. Then, go back to your life because you still have the gift of life and that's a beautiful blessing that as you know isn't guaranteed for anyone.

 

[Domino]

I want to thank everyone who contributed here and in private. It meant a lot. Yes, I do have quite a bit of survivor’s guilt. His last words to me were ‘you look good’ like he was relieved I was alright but angry that he had to leave. I know how self-protective NTs can be, and to have him trailing wires and tubes and struggling to breathe while putting his arms out to me in a way he never dared do in health, it just fucking shattered me. I was shaking with distress and trying not to faint bc he held on to me so tight, like a little boy. I would have done literally anything to restore him. Twin and I both felt him pass the next day. The heavy brick in our chests just lifted.

I find beauty and strength in all types, but Ne-primaries gut me with how beautiful their bravery is to me. My ENFP is brave this way too. A special brand of resiliency and courage. When I finally bend and love someone, they have a special power or magic charm, like clown fish evading my anemone stings.

My insides were kicked out when he died. I’m trying to accept the presence of the hole.

Thank you again ❤️