For Females: Unanticipated Flattery

[Lexicon]

Compliments are generally awkward for me. I don’t know what to do with them or why a stranger would approach me out of the blue to say something like that. It’s like a total stranger walking up & handing me a random object. Um.. thanks, but wtf do I do with this? I usually just mumble thanks (usually I’m talking to my shoes/not able to hold eye contact) & try to exit the situation. Accepting the object & setting it on the ground afterward/distancing myself from it.


I rarely get compliments from women irl about my actual appearance. They might compliment my coat or a costume or boots, but not like, me the person. I don’t mind people appreciating the same clothing I do.

Men irl are more direct about complimenting my appearance, & I never know how they want me to react. Like, what do I do with that piece of information? Are you telling me offhandedly you just appreciate my appearance, or are you engaging me to announce you’re attracted to me & looking for reciprocation & further interaction?


I mean, I’m off in my own head when I’m out in the world. In my mental bubble. Even if a beautiful man walked by, I wouldn’t go tell him he was attractive. It just seems invasive & weird in my mind, but I get that others have no problem doing this. Their bubbles naturally have a higher degree of permeability than mine.


I don’t think they’re doing anything wrong or bad by approaching me. It’s just so outside my way of moving about the world that it feels foreign, every time. It isn’t inherently offensive to me. It’s all just varying degrees of... uncomfortable. Not necessarily upsetting or distressing, just uncomfortable.



Sometimes, it’s downright gross. Example: bus ride from NYC to Boston— I’d fallen asleep at the back of the bus, laying across my row of seats. I woke up just as the second-to-last person was exiting the bus, so in a frenzy, I start packing all my stuff back into my bag (phone, charger, snacks, drink, etc). As I put my coat back on, I apologize to the bus driver, this little old grampa-looking guy. He responds in a friendly tone: “oh it’s fine, I was just enjoying the view!” Gesturing to my rear, as I’d just been bent over the seat for a bit to collect my belongings. It didn’t offend me (honestly it’s really difficult to get under my skin), but it was awkward as hell.

Or [2yrs ago] someone at my friend’s corporate Xmas party telling me, “dayum, you got a tight little body!” Fucking ew.



I kind of felt bad for a guy who complimented me at a music festival, once. Between bands, he approached me to say, “I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re stunning.. sorry if that’s offensive or anything...” Before I could react, one of his friends dragged him off. I was uncomfortable, but he didn’t do anything ‘offensive’ by talking to me. I felt bad that he felt compelled to apologize for complimenting a stranger. I assume someone had chastised him before for it.


Side rant:

I don’t like that people are starting to feel more afraid to reach out to one another. I’ve seen guy friends just say hello to a pretty woman, and she’ll be like, “ummmmm NOTHANKYOU,” acting really disgusted. Like what the hell... he’s a person. He just said hello. Sure, no one is entitled to anyone else’s time or interaction, but come on, people. If you have the energy to say a bitchy thing like, “ummmm NOTHANKYOU,” you could just as easily have politely disengaged, too. There’s no need to be cruel.

I imagine some of the discomfort on my part comes from the fact that I don’t see myself the way others might see me, so it’s additionally jarring when someone pokes into my mental bubble to say something like that. It doesn’t change how I see myself. It feels like it isn’t applicable & they’re mistaken. Even knowing that’s merely my own internal bias doesn’t really make the commentary feel applicable.

I appreciate the sentiment, I guess, but you’re handing me something that I just have no functional use for.

I was reluctant to post at all, because I feel like, no matter how I phrase any of this, I just sound like a stuck-up, man-hating bitch somehow. People are social animals, I get it. I’m the weirdo, not them. Most of the time.

 

[FemMecha]

I appreciate sincere gestures of kindness, not matter how awkward. Getting hit on by a stranger can feel threatening, though, so I'm not including aggressive sexual advances from strangers in this. Just someone saying something nice to me is valued. I prefer it to rude comments.

 

[Julius_Van_Der_Beak]

Compliments are generally awkward for me. I don’t know what to do with them or why a stranger would approach me out of the blue to say something like that. It’s like a total stranger walking up & handing me a random object. Um.. thanks, but wtf do I do with this? I usually just mumble thanks (usually I’m talking to my shoes/not able to hold eye contact) & try to exit the situation. Accepting the object & setting it on the ground afterward/distancing myself from it.


I rarely get compliments from women irl about my actual appearance. They might compliment my coat or a costume or boots, but not like, me the person. I don’t mind people appreciating the same clothing I do.

Men irl are more direct about complimenting my appearance, & I never know how they want me to react. Like, what do I do with that piece of information? Are you telling me offhandedly you just appreciate my appearance, or are you engaging me to announce you’re attracted to me & looking for reciprocation & further interaction?


I mean, I’m off in my own head when I’m out in the world. In my mental bubble. Even if a beautiful man walked by, I wouldn’t go tell him he was attractive. It just seems invasive & weird in my mind, but I get that others have no problem doing this. Their bubbles naturally have a higher degree of permeability than mine.


I don’t think they’re doing anything wrong or bad by approaching me. It’s just so outside my way of moving about the world that it feels foreign, every time. It isn’t inherently offensive to me. It’s all just varying degrees of... uncomfortable. Not necessarily upsetting or distressing, just uncomfortable.



Sometimes, it’s downright gross. Example: bus ride from NYC to Boston— I’d fallen asleep at the back of the bus, laying across my row of seats. I woke up just as the second-to-last person was exiting the bus, so in a frenzy, I start packing all my stuff back into my bag (phone, charger, snacks, drink, etc). As I put my coat back on, I apologize to the bus driver, this little old grampa-looking guy. He responds in a friendly tone: “oh it’s fine, I was just enjoying the view!” Gesturing to my rear, as I’d just been bent over the seat for a bit to collect my belongings. It didn’t offend me (honestly it’s really difficult to get under my skin), but it was awkward as hell.

Or [2yrs ago] someone at my friend’s corporate Xmas party telling me, “dayum, you got a tight little body!” Fucking ew.



I kind of felt bad for a guy who complimented me at a music festival, once. Between bands, he approached me to say, “I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re stunning.. sorry if that’s offensive or anything...” Before I could react, one of his friends dragged him off. I was uncomfortable, but he didn’t do anything ‘offensive’ by talking to me. I felt bad that he felt compelled to apologize for complimenting a stranger. I assume someone had chastised him before for it.


Side rant:

I don’t like that people are starting to feel more afraid to reach out to one another. I’ve seen guy friends just say hello to a pretty woman, and she’ll be like, “ummmmm NOTHANKYOU,” acting really disgusted. Like what the hell... he’s a person. He just said hello. Sure, no one is entitled to anyone else’s time or interaction, but come on, people. If you have the energy to say a bitchy thing like, “ummmm NOTHANKYOU,” you could just as easily have politely disengaged, too. There’s no need to be cruel.

I imagine some of the discomfort on my part comes from the fact that I don’t see myself the way others might see me, so it’s additionally jarring when someone pokes into my mental bubble to say something like that. It doesn’t change how I see myself. It feels like it isn’t applicable & they’re mistaken. Even knowing that’s merely my own internal bias doesn’t really make the commentary feel applicable.

I appreciate the sentiment, I guess, but you’re handing me something that I just have no functional use for.

I was reluctant to post at all, because I feel like, no matter how I phrase any of this, I just sound like a stuck-up, man-hating bitch somehow. People are social animals, I get it. I’m the weirdo, not them. Most of the time.

I don't think it came across as stuck up.

Generally when I'm out in public, I don't appreciate strangers bothering me, unless it's a series of observations about something in the vicinity. I even tend to get annoyed when people ask me for directions; I still give them if I know them; but I don't like being "interrupted" that way.

 

[Pessimistic Hippie]

It never hurts me to hear it lol, I'd welcome anyone who's going out of their way to be randomly kind to me.

I will say it typically means more to me when it comes from a woman than a man (unless they're gay,) as fucked as that might sound.

 

[Kingu Kurimuzon]

I like compliments on my appearance but they are few and far between. I can ride high on a compliment for years. I prefer compliments about my mind and competence though

Threatening advances don’t really fall under the classification of compliments to me.

 

[Red Memories]

It never hurts me to hear it lol, I'd welcome anyone who's going out of their way to be randomly kind to me.

I will say it typically means more to me when it comes from a woman than a man (unless they're gay,) as fucked as that might sound.

Yeah I can agree with that. Also if I compliment people's appearances whom I don't know I usually speak to another woman...but it is more along the line of omg I love that outfit where'd you get it. XD

 

[Coriolis]

I like compliments on my appearance but they are few and far between. I can ride high on a compliment for years. I prefer compliments about my mind and competence though

Threatening advances don’t really fall under the classification of compliments to me.

Same here. When someone compliments my appearance without good reason (e.g. I am wearing something unusual like a costume), I tend to wonder: why are you saying that? Perhaps this perspective comes from the fact that I know there is nothing special or noteworthy about my everyday appearance. I am neat but plain, in dress and overall appearance, so either someone has ulterior motives, or their tastes are very singular.

I don't want to hear anything else. Most compliments seem to be gender-related and I hate that. I'm pretty ugly fortunately so I never get cat-called or anything like that. I hate people hitting on me otherwise. I especially hate "flattery" related to femininity. If you wouldn't give the compliment you're giving me to a guy, then I don't want to hear it. For example, never tell me about how petite I am. Anything about the more female-looking parts of me will send my mind on a rampage toward dysphoria.

I don't know how to respond to compliments, though, even if I like them. I usually giggle or say thanks if they're one that I enjoy. If it's one that messes with my dysphoria, I'll still probably thank them but get the hell out of there.

I usually just say "thank you" and move on, unless the compliment requires more, e.g. someone asks where I got an article of clothing that they like. (They are usually disappointed since I buy most things in thrift stores.) Anything gender-related drives me round the bend, too. I like your yardstick of not telling you anything you wouldn't say to a guy, and I follow/expect it myself. You are absolutely not ugly, but if you are spared cat-calling, that is good. I have never been catcalled either. I suppose there are upsides to being a Plain Jane.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

Same here. When someone compliments my appearance without good reason (e.g. I am wearing something unusual like a costume), I tend to wonder: why are you saying that? Perhaps this perspective comes from the fact that I know there is nothing special or noteworthy about my everyday appearance. I am neat but plain, in dress and overall appearance, so either someone has ulterior motives, or their tastes are very singular.

This is PoLR Fe.