Coeur
New member
- Joined
- Jul 13, 2009
- Messages
- 237
- MBTI Type
- INFP
- Enneagram
- 4w5
I'm honestly fed up with feeling out of the loop. I thought I was getting better at socializing, but apparently I'm still socially awkward and shy.
A friend of mine had a really fun 18th birthday party. EVERYONE there was close to each other...except for me. Once again, I was circled out. I HATE that feeling. That left out feeling where: "I can't go over there; they're having fun with their own inside jokes and private conversations." Where nobody picks you during a game because you're not an integral group member. Where they're all doubling up on chairs so they can hug. but you're sitting alone with no offers. The worst part is probably realizing that you haven't spoken in awhile, mainly because you haven't had a chance too. Seeing all of that closeness with me on the sidelines was painstaking.
I understand that when you're having fun with close friends, that you're oblivious to everything else. But, if someone is clearly by themselves, wouldn't you try to help them feel welcome? Am I quiet so much of the time that people say: "oh, that's how she is?" I just feel like they're oblivious. I'm holding in oceans of hurt emotions, and they are unable to see it. They write me off as 'weird' or 'boring' because I'm not saying anything. I know it isn't THEIR job to befriend me. However, I wish that people would make more of an effort to reach out.
Additionally, I realize how few people I TRULY know in the summer program I'm in. Some people didn't even know I was in it until a couple days ago, and I've been there the entire summer. Even when I talk to my "secondary" group, they are so busy talking among themselves that they let me sit there and say nothing. I try to make myself available, but it doesn't work. It is so disheartening to feel invisible.
On top of THAT, I feel like I'm drifting from two of my best friends. One of them, I attribute it to that I haven't seen her all summer due to busy schedules. Hopefully, the drifting will be fixed when we get back to school. The other one though, I really don't know. We just don't have that much in common anymore. We only talk every couple of weeks, and only for brief text-message conversations. It just sucks. I feel like I'm losing them both.
My mom is mad at me and is really losing her patience, because I keep snapping at her. She got ice-cream the other day, and literally told me she didn't get any for me because I didn't deserve it. That made me feel horrible.
I'm just sick of it. I feel like I'm not making any impact anywhere. I dread going back to school and needing to struggle for acknowledgement. I feel so unbelievably depresesd. I've cried 3 times in the past couple of days, and I never cry. I just want to fit somewhere. Everyone else seems to have so many friends and have so much closeness, and I've NEVER had that in an extreme degree.
Worst of all, I'm dealing with all of these emotions as I take this freaking SAT/ACT practice math test. I can't even focus. I don't even care. I'm going to fail anyways, so I just fill in my best guess and move on. And of course my mom will be disappointed in me, because she thinks that this one practice test determines my future. The college counselor is going to be the only one who sees it.
It just sucks. I keep turning to God, but feel guilt there too because I've been so distracted lately. I've barely read my bible or prayed at all. I don't feel like I deserve to talk to him, since I'm only turning there because it's my last option.
I just feel horrible. Completely, totally horrible.
A friend of mine had a really fun 18th birthday party. EVERYONE there was close to each other...except for me. Once again, I was circled out. I HATE that feeling. That left out feeling where: "I can't go over there; they're having fun with their own inside jokes and private conversations." Where nobody picks you during a game because you're not an integral group member. Where they're all doubling up on chairs so they can hug. but you're sitting alone with no offers. The worst part is probably realizing that you haven't spoken in awhile, mainly because you haven't had a chance too. Seeing all of that closeness with me on the sidelines was painstaking.
I understand that when you're having fun with close friends, that you're oblivious to everything else. But, if someone is clearly by themselves, wouldn't you try to help them feel welcome? Am I quiet so much of the time that people say: "oh, that's how she is?" I just feel like they're oblivious. I'm holding in oceans of hurt emotions, and they are unable to see it. They write me off as 'weird' or 'boring' because I'm not saying anything. I know it isn't THEIR job to befriend me. However, I wish that people would make more of an effort to reach out.
Additionally, I realize how few people I TRULY know in the summer program I'm in. Some people didn't even know I was in it until a couple days ago, and I've been there the entire summer. Even when I talk to my "secondary" group, they are so busy talking among themselves that they let me sit there and say nothing. I try to make myself available, but it doesn't work. It is so disheartening to feel invisible.
On top of THAT, I feel like I'm drifting from two of my best friends. One of them, I attribute it to that I haven't seen her all summer due to busy schedules. Hopefully, the drifting will be fixed when we get back to school. The other one though, I really don't know. We just don't have that much in common anymore. We only talk every couple of weeks, and only for brief text-message conversations. It just sucks. I feel like I'm losing them both.
My mom is mad at me and is really losing her patience, because I keep snapping at her. She got ice-cream the other day, and literally told me she didn't get any for me because I didn't deserve it. That made me feel horrible.
I'm just sick of it. I feel like I'm not making any impact anywhere. I dread going back to school and needing to struggle for acknowledgement. I feel so unbelievably depresesd. I've cried 3 times in the past couple of days, and I never cry. I just want to fit somewhere. Everyone else seems to have so many friends and have so much closeness, and I've NEVER had that in an extreme degree.
Worst of all, I'm dealing with all of these emotions as I take this freaking SAT/ACT practice math test. I can't even focus. I don't even care. I'm going to fail anyways, so I just fill in my best guess and move on. And of course my mom will be disappointed in me, because she thinks that this one practice test determines my future. The college counselor is going to be the only one who sees it.
It just sucks. I keep turning to God, but feel guilt there too because I've been so distracted lately. I've barely read my bible or prayed at all. I don't feel like I deserve to talk to him, since I'm only turning there because it's my last option.
I just feel horrible. Completely, totally horrible.
