[Fe] Fe'd out

[Xenon]

I think there's a couple different things that can contribute to this. First, I agree with [MENTION=8074]Seymour[/MENTION] that anyone can get drained if they end up spending too much time dealing with others, especially introverts. Outside circumstances like work, family obligations or whatever can force people to spend more time interacting with others than is optimal for their temperament, and that makes you a person feel worn out.

I have wondered if IxFJs may have more of an inner push toward taxing themselves socially compared with other introverts, because of their drive toward engaging others all the time and meeting people's needs and whatever it is FJs are wont to do. It does seem to me like there would be more push-pull coming from the inside with you guys.

I've known a couple IxFJs who would avoid or put off simple activities like going to the store or passing by a neighbour on the way out, because they didn't feel like socializing much and felt guilty about that, like they should be really friendly all the time. Don't know how much I should tie type into things like this, as both of them had some assertiveness problems...but I really can't imagine myself worrying much about things like that. No matter how neurotic I can get in other ways.

 

[Luv Deluxe]

Other Fe aux/dom feel like this sometimes? I would hazard a guess that perhaps it's more common for INFJ and ISFJ. Fe users but not the dominant function, and introverts.

Just, well, tired of being Fe polite and present and engaged with others so much of the time. My life requires me to do this a lot, and generally I'm ok with this. But sometimes I not only want to crawl into a hole and sleep, I want to be rude or abrupt with others (and I fear it happens a little more often than it used to, mostly in situations where I receive bad customer service and that sort of thing...) Or wanting to lash back, sometimes...

I wonder if in my case, the wanting to (and very rarely, doing it) lash back at others has to do with the 6 enneagram and my counterphobic side coming out (though I'm mainly phobic.)

Thoughts? How do you cope with this if you suffer from it? Just take a bit of time away? That's so hard to do sometimes


EDIT: Btw, I also refer to this as being "people-tired" or "peopled out".

My Fe seems to manifest itself primarily in the effort to be polite around others, or at least agreeable, insofar as whatever task we've got can be accomplished without unnecessary conflict. I struggle with the more extensively interactive, emotionally "present" aspect of Fe. As soon as a coworker begins gossiping about her friends or discussing the minutiae of her latest shopping binge, for example, I mentally check out. Since these topics are not of mutual interest, I have to use a lot of my energy to stay focused, remind myself to listen, or at least make it appear as though I've been listening. Yet, I make the effort because I'm trying to be polite.

I become drained very easily around others, even those with whom I am close. Of course, the closer we are, the longer my energy lasts. Casual friends are fine for a night out. Good friends are good for a day, and I can be around my immediate family for just a bit longer than that. My significant other gets more of me than anyone else does, but even then, I require space/time to do my own thing.

More than anything else, I think it has to do with my high level of introversion. It's not at all hard for me to break away from others, and I highly recommend it to anyone feeling burnt out. I also find that I can reclaim my energy by doing something creative (writing, taking pictures, painting, etc.). Not sure what your inclinations are, SilkRoad, but perhaps you might find that useful as well?

 

[SilkRoad]

I have wondered if IxFJs may have more of an inner push toward taxing themselves socially compared with other introverts, because of their drive toward engaging others all the time and meeting people's needs and whatever it is FJs are wont to do. It does seem to me like there would be more push-pull coming from the inside with you guys.

I've known a couple IxFJs who would avoid or put off simple activities like going to the store or passing by a neighbour on the way out, because they didn't feel like socializing much and felt guilty about that, like they should be really friendly all the time. Don't know how much I should tie type into things like this, as both of them had some assertiveness problems...but I really can't imagine myself worrying much about things like that. No matter how neurotic I can get in other ways.

I related to the above a lot, at least in part. I think the thing about the push-pull with introversion/Fe is quite accurate. I really do feel like that a lot. When I do just sit back and observe, or hide in my cave, or whatever, I feel at least sometimes that I'm not fulfilling social obligations or that I should be more sociable or helpful or outgoing or whatever. (The feedback I get indicates that I'm plenty social and helpful enough, for the most part, but I do feel caught between tiredness and feeling that I'm just not doing enough.)

I kind of relate to your IxFJ friends though I might be slightly less extreme about it. But, for instance, I've been known to hide around a corner when I'm out and see an acquaintance who I don't really feel like chatting with, when the situation dictates that we'd probably have to do at least some small talk. And then I also feel a bit silly and guilty. I'm not sure I'd avoid leaving the house but I do relate. It may not be quite the same thing but there are times when I really want to discuss something seriously with a close friend, but I'm not quite ready to do so (although I know it will be good when I do) so I might avoid them - and then also feel somewhat guilty...

My Fe seems to manifest itself primarily in the effort to be polite around others, or at least agreeable, insofar as whatever task we've got can be accomplished without unnecessary conflict. I struggle with the more extensively interactive, emotionally "present" aspect of Fe. As soon as a coworker begins gossiping about her friends or discussing the minutiae of her latest shopping binge, for example, I mentally check out. Since these topics are not of mutual interest, I have to use a lot of my energy to stay focused, remind myself to listen, or at least make it appear as though I've been listening. Yet, I make the effort because I'm trying to be polite.

I become drained very easily around others, even those with whom I am close. Of course, the closer we are, the longer my energy lasts. Casual friends are fine for a night out. Good friends are good for a day, and I can be around my immediate family for just a bit longer than that. My significant other gets more of me than anyone else does, but even then, I require space/time to do my own thing.

More than anything else, I think it has to do with my high level of introversion. It's not at all hard for me to break away from others, and I highly recommend it to anyone feeling burnt out. I also find that I can reclaim my energy by doing something creative (writing, taking pictures, painting, etc.). Not sure what your inclinations are, SilkRoad, but perhaps you might find that useful as well?

Related to a lot of this although it does sound as though you are more introverted than I am. I would get drained more gradually and less quickly, I'd say. (I tend to score fairly close to even on introvert/extrovert tests - kind of suggesting I'm ambivert, not uncommon for type 6 - but still definitely leaning to introvert.) But I did relate to a lot. I do some writing and that can be a good outlet - glad you have something like that.

I really am an introvert though. I sense it so much when I hit that wall and I start to feel so tired of the human race and I've just been around people and interacting to a draining extent. I sort of lean back in the chair (or against the wall, or whatever) and watch everyone else chatting away happily and I try to maintain a pleasant look on my face without looking goofy, and I wonder how they all manage it - then sooner or later someone asks me if I'm ok. Sigh.

 

[Sniffles]

Do I ever feel like this? Oh yes!

 

[mochajava]

People out right along with you

I completely understand being peopled out. I agree that it's a combination of the I and the F part.

Personally, I have been feeling it a lot recently with a very social workplace that's highly political, as well as some serious support / Fe-use at home (as opposed to alone time at home). Definitely want to crawl into a hole with a long novel. Books help me a lot - they seem like socially-sanctioned, alone-time while around other people.

With folks I really feel comfortable around (family I like, old friends), it takes a LONG time for this to happen. In the more anonymous environment of work, this happens much faster

 

[Fidelia]

I`m a social first, so I guess I don`t have this happen as much as some people. However, I find especially when I am company or when I have company I need to sneak away for five minutes at a time to recharge. I didn`t realize what I was doing for the longest time, or why. Even within a conversation, I find it really draining when women especially talk on and on about something trivial, but it requires constant responses so you can`t take a short break in your head. I don`t really let my mind wander while people talk, but I need some chances to pause the interaction here and there or else it becomes exhausting. I also have found that too many people talking to me and asking questions really tops up overload. I`ve learned to find ways to reduce noise and limiting how much I am bombarded with at once, and it`s made it much easier to be patient and conserve my resources.

 

[BlackCat]

I apologize for the delayed response.

But basically what I was saying with my soc last comment is that social last types get tired out by associating with a lot of people in general, they tend to focus more on specific individuals in small doses. Getting spread too thin socially is one of the social last's key weaknesses that defines them, a lot of them can't really handle extended social interaction unless it's with specific, loved/trusted individuals.

Even when I personally associate with many individuals that I love/trust in a day, I still get worn out, but not as frustrated by it.

 

[Lightyear]

Yeah, but if they are really good friends who I really enjoy being around, generally I'm refreshed and energised.

I can relate a lot to the other IxFJs in this thread, I can spend a lot of time with people who are close, whose company I enjoy and with whom I can relax or have deep conversations but having to artificially do chit chat makes me want to bang my head against a wall within minutes because it is just so exhausting.

I've known a couple IxFJs who would avoid or put off simple activities like going to the store or passing by a neighbour on the way out, because they didn't feel like socializing much and felt guilty about that, like they should be really friendly all the time.

I can totally relate to that, not wanting to leave my room for an extended period of time for example because I just don't have the energy to do small-talk with my flatmates. The city I live in is big and anonymous and I am kind of happy about this because it means that people don't just randomly invade my personal space.

 

[kissmyasthma]

I definitely get peopled-out as well, and it can happen all of a sudden. One moment I'll be feeling sociable and energized by using Fe, and the next moment the group dynamic might change slightly and I'll feel tired out and not want to go on being talkative and friendly. Whenever that happens I end up feeling really disappointed with myself.

 

[Crescent Fresh]

I think among Ni-dom Fe-aux or Fe-dom Ni-aux dealing with people at workplace can be such an unbearable pain. Working in a customer-servicing industry won't going to help you either because it doesn't manifest Fe-harmony. Perhaps it's much of a lesser challenge among Ne-Fe folks.

Generally for me, it really depends on my mental burden. If work is not too overwhelming, I tend to be able to get passed that. Though for INFJs, I think getting Fe'd out isn't a bad idea as your brain or physical body is urging you to take a break or a retreat. I would just take it as a sign for pampering myself by planning for a vacation or weekend getaway just to get recharged.

 

[Crescent Fresh]

I think among Ni-dom Fe-aux or Fe-dom Ni-aux dealing with people at workplace can be such an unbearable pain. Working in a customer-servicing industry won't going to help you either because it doesn't manifest Fe-harmony. Perhaps it's much of a lesser challenge among Ne-Fe folks.

Generally for me, it really depends on my mental burden. If work is not too overwhelming, I tend to be able to get passed that. Though for INFJs, I think getting Fe'd out isn't a bad idea as your brain or physical body is urging you to take a break or a retreat. I would just take it as a sign for pampering myself by planning for a vacation or weekend getaway just to get recharged.

 

[sculpting]

Silkroad you always seem so sweet and caring- sorry you are feeling peopled out.

I canbt speak for the Fe side, but people drive me bonkers so I totally get Fi'ed out.

However my ISFJ friend tells me funny stories about how every now and then she gets crazy road rage and starts yelling at other drivers and even trying to throw things and it totally suprised by her own resentment and anger that just wells up.

 

[ceecee]

Other Fe aux/dom feel like this sometimes? I would hazard a guess that perhaps it's more common for INFJ and ISFJ. Fe users but not the dominant function, and introverts.

Just, well, tired of being Fe polite and present and engaged with others so much of the time. My life requires me to do this a lot, and generally I'm ok with this. But sometimes I not only want to crawl into a hole and sleep, I want to be rude or abrupt with others (and I fear it happens a little more often than it used to, mostly in situations where I receive bad customer service and that sort of thing...) Or wanting to lash back, sometimes...

I wonder if in my case, the wanting to (and very rarely, doing it) lash back at others has to do with the 6 enneagram and my counterphobic side coming out (though I'm mainly phobic.)

Thoughts? How do you cope with this if you suffer from it? Just take a bit of time away? That's so hard to do sometimes


EDIT: Btw, I also refer to this as being "people-tired" or "peopled out".

My ENFJ gets like this occasionally. I'm not saying I will ever understand the guilt or issues he sometimes has enforcing boundaries when he need them, but, I'm happy to be the doorman/bouncer when the need arises.

 

[SilkRoad]

I find when I have that "Fe'd out" feeling - although I may genuinely be wanting to reach and connect with the other person/people, and I'm being charming and chatty but not for any fake purpose or hidden agenda - I get to a point where it feels like the smile is going to crack and fall off my face.

 

[SilkRoad]

You know what though - I think there are a lot of times when being unpleasant, or even just absenting yourself and not making the effort, would take just as much energy if not more than being pleasant - with worse results.

(Not that vanishing isn't sometimes necessary when you're something like an INFJ.)

 

[Froody Blue Gem]

I definitely relate. Fe helps to navigate through situations but when other people constantly need to socialize, those are the types of people I avoid. I think about people, their intensions, and if they are friends, I enjoy being around them for a certain amount of time but I have my limits.

Sometimes, the amount of anxiety that is sometimes interwined with my fe also makes me burn out and avoid people. When I see someone I know in a public place and I was planning on spending the day alone, I avoid talking to them. I know, very very rude but it's the way I operate especially when my fe is on life support. My introversion preference is the highest one in my stack. And I can be a very awkward conversationalist in general. I have a people need to an extent but I have a hug need for me time too.