sculpting
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- Jan 28, 2009
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What I will say about social roles is (and I don't know if this is a particularly Fe thing or not) we all have social roles whether or not you want to step into them is up to you, but can you really be surprised at people for being baffled at you? You're someone's "daughter," "sister," "friend," "employee," "neighbor," "customer," whatever.
There are implicit expectations based role you inhabit at a particular moment or in relation to another person. We know the way a mother "should" act towards her children and we can identify when a mother isn't acting the way she's supposed to. We say that's not how a mother treats her children, or that's not how you treat a friend, or they're a good/bad leader. When we do that, we're separating the role from the person inhabiting the role and evaluating the person against their standards and expectations of that particular role. We can change roles on a nearly hourly basis depending on who you're interacting and what the situation calls for. You don't have any one particular role but you often step out of one and into another.
You say you change roles like underwear, but I'm curious as to when you change them and if the situation merits the change, e.g you're at work or some situation that's not exactly casual. I know quite a few ENFPs and I've seen them span several moods in the space of an hour, and yeah it's frustrating because there's no consistency. So what do you mean when you say you're always changing your social role? If the ENFJs you're interacting are all baffled by your behavior I'd first of all wonder why at least two (?) or more people all had the same reaction to me. They may view you as being inconsistent in how you present yourself and are probably trying to figure out how to interact with you. Based on what you said, it seems like you change just to keep them guessing, which sounds like a childish game. I'd begin to think you're changing as a smokescreen or something which wouldn't exactly lead to a congenial relationship, but that may not be what you're aiming for.
But how should a "mother " act? How should an "employee" act? Who defines those roles and are we really obligated to meet them? I make progress by ignoring the predefined limitations of those roles. Sometimes I do it unconciously but often I explicitly decide that I dont want to follow the rules anymore and change needs to occur. This means my children dont always wear matching socks or may eat rudy's instead of a homecooked meal four times a week. I go jogging in pajama bottoms and striped fuzzy socks. I email the COO directly when I encounter an issue and I go sit next to the guy on the manufacturing line to understand why we can't get the part made quite right.
I could be broken a bit as my brain misses some of the "rules" that others seem to notice without trying. I have to learn them like an autistic person learns social skills.
As for "casual" almost all places are what I make them to be. Everywhere is casual until the mission is compromised at which point my inner Te emerges. Otherwise I am what the person right in front of me needs me to be to establish that rapport.
It could be an ENFJ sees that and feels an air of neferiousness there, given how they interact with others.