Facing stupid fears.

[Amargith]

Why is it that doing what you love can be so hard??

Since I've gotten to Norway, I've been thinking of a few options. I don't want to be a 'stay at home' luxury pet forever. But then if there's one thing I've somehow never gotten right, it's having a career.

Oh sure, I've had jobs, even steady ones, in my fields of interests even, but somehow..I dunno. Somehow it drained the life energy right out of me. Money doesn't motivate me (except for the bare minimum and even then), and while I chose professions that were in my field of interest (receptionist at a veterinary clinic, office assistant for a bunch of psychologists, Coach and Teamleader in the pursuit of funds for the WWF), I somehow never found one that didn't just suck the life right out of me. And with the exception of the latter one, I sucked at every single one of em. Didn't exactly help with my self-esteem issues.

Yet I feel incredibly guilty when I don't work. It makes me happier..which makes me feel even guiltier. It's kinda catch 22. So, when I got to Norway, after quitting my job in Belgium, I made a back-up plan.

Several people here have suggested I should become therapist or a writer. And, I'm hoping you're right. Coz after all those years of fumbling, I honestly don't know anymore. I want to believe, but I'm too scared to.

I got to work: I studied Norwegian so I could get into college here to study Psychology, and I'm still working on that. But that's at least three years of studying. And therefore, I decided to fill my time with writing. The whole indie writer revolution happening right now makes it perfect timing.


...there's only one problem: me.

I'm so scared that this won't work, that I'm avoiding doing it. Coz if I do, then at least I still have something to work at. At least, I don't have to face another disillusionment and have to scrape myself off the pavement again. I feel like I'm dating and looking for the perfect One, only it's a career I'm looking for

I finally did all the research, telling myself that if I'm just researching, I'm just gathering facts..no commitment just yet. And then I got a try-out on Scrivener (writing software), which I mucked about with. And then I had some ideas for a short story. Each step gave more inner resistance however.

I finally managed to put all my prep in Scrivener. I have two little details left...before actually sitting down and writing a story. And I just bucked. I'm still looking at that fence I'm to jump, eyeing it, not willing to give up yet but..omg, it's high. And then there's the rest of the race still: the making of a cover, the figuring out how amazon, smashworks and ARE work technically, and worse of all: facing the consumers.

At the same time, the idea of writing and being free to share my imagination with the world seems like a dream come true. If I can actually get over this fear..I can see myself doing this. Without ever getting bored. Still, my cynical Si is always there to remindd me that I've thought/hoped this before and look how that turned out.

So today, I sat in panick. I didn't blindly run, but I stared at the screen. I mulled it over in my head. I couldn't get myself to actually write but..at least I didn't throw it all away and refuse to face it.

I guess we'll see how tomorrow goes.

*closes eyes* ...it sure would be nice to feel like I'm accomplishing something and finally can do something I love as well as am good at. But I'm tired. I really am. I'm tired of being scared, I'm tired of being disappointed and I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I'm just tired.

 

[JAVO]

How did it go?

I think using writing software would hinder my creativity. Have you tried it enough yet to know if that's true for you?

Creativity, in many ways, is the antithesis of fear. Similarly, focusing on just creating tends to drive away fear.

A bit of inspiration: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AF4oXnglfWs

 

[Amargith]

[MENTION=71]JAVO[/MENTION]

I chickened out...again. I did finish all the prep for the piece but I'm sorta waffling and checking other peoples work in an attempt to feel more secure in moving forward.
I actually do like the writing software (Scrivener is very much a tool that gets out of the writers way and aids when need be), as it allows me to parse things into small pieces, making them seem less overwhelming.

You're right, I can do creative shit that I know other people won't see, or judge easily, but once I attempt to create a piece meant for an audience...I freeze. I'm going to try and just let go next week and see what gives. I'm hoping with all the prep gone, I can just unwind and go with the flow

Oh and that song is one of my favs <3333

tnx for the comment

 

[Guest]

You sound so much like me it is uncanny. I have been debating on both of these same options myself and having the same panic and run responses.

I like the IDEA and possibilities of things so much more than the reality. Perhaps the same is true for you.

Baby steps.... just keep trying. (At least this is what I tell myself )

 

[Amargith]

[MENTION=13402]Saturned[/MENTION] Aint that the truth *lol*

I keep telling myself the same. Babysteps. I'm hoping to get to it like..tomorrow. Just sit down and do it. I've had to clean up the house coz my parents in law came home (and its a mighty big house), so I've had a convenient excuse not to but..Time to take the plunge *shivers*

And let's hope to God that this time..this time, it's the holy grail that I've been looking for. FFs, I'd take finding a soulmate over this *any* day. At least I *know* how to do that one *lol*

 

[Guest]

It is sad but so very, very true.

Something that helps me to clean is to set a timer and I tell myself that I will work on this task for 30 minutes only. Usually, I get into it and when the timer goes off, I turn it off and complete whatever it is I am doing. Sometimes, I am in agony and so grateful that the time is up. Either way I at least get something done. I am not sure if this would translate into writing, but perhaps the seed of the idea can work for you in another way.

Another thing I have thought about is setting aside time to write, and if I can't get myself to write something I should be doing (novel for example), then I would write a letter to someone about various events. It at least gives you a purpose, audience, and a vague outline of what to do. Heck, sometimes my posts on here sort of satisfy that urge as well, although then I wonder if I am just scattering my good thoughts to the four winds without a purpose.

All of this is quite Ne-rambly, but hopefully there is something that can be useful... Otherwise just know that I am 100% sympathetic to your plight here as I am just over yonder in the same raft trying to figure out stuff myself.

 

[Amargith]

Im about to dive in...think of me