[ENFP] ENFPs...how easily do you forget?

[thescientist]

Ok...i'm back.

that post makes a lot of sense and i'm sorry we got sidetracked on that one point...yes i could very much see holding back and not declaring how i felt if i knew i couldn't or wouldn't act on it.

sounds very difficult.

thanks...yeah...that's why I kept saying there was an inner struggle for him. He resisted plenty of times...and sometimes he didn't. He knew it was bad to lead me on. That's part of the reason he was hot/cold the entire year.

Sorry my dear, we did not mean to stress you out. The only reason his type matters is if you want to try and understand why he behaved the way he did. Otherwise, he is just immature all around it sounds like. I am sorry he hurt you by being stupid.

It's okay. I already knew his type...and tried for a long time to understand someone who is random and inconsistent. Some things I do, some things I never will.

Uhhh... despite your protestations to the contrary, you two were in a relationship... even if it was one without formal declarations.

Relationships require people to spend exclusive time together. We did not do that. We were friends and coworkers...that were very attracted to each other and at times gave in to that attraction.

 

[thescientist]

I think Blomiki brings up some really good points. An immature ENFP is a terrible sight to behold. It's like we are either very good or very bad. This fellow sounds like he was super immature. Not nearly mature enough for you. And, thescientist, you do sound very very mature... and impressively very in touch with your emotions.

Thank you...I dont feel this way. I feel so emotionally and socially retarded and behind the times.

So don't despair. This is just a plot point in your story. It's great training for the next guy who comes along that is worthy of all the love you would bestow upon him.

Yeah, I did learn a lot from this. It's hard to see the positive when you're wallowing in sadness.

 

[SillySapienne]

Fwiw, I wanna kick this guy's ass, what an immature douche. :steam:

If I could get a dollar for every time I've been deeply hurt by an immature man-child, a very rich woman I'd be.

I've never messed with an INTJ's heart, nor would I want to.

I wouldn't want to mess with anybody's heart, just like I wouldn't want anyone to mess with mine. uch:

I'm gonna get some rest and reread your posts.

 

[Thalassa]

Thank you...I dont feel this way. I feel so emotionally and socially retarded and behind the times.

Yeah, I did learn a lot from this. It's hard to see the positive when you're wallowing in sadness.

I agree with both EW and SS....you seem very mature and in touch with your emotions, and I would hate to see you close off all vulnerability because of this immature, selfish man. FWIW, ENFPs get hurt too - and can be hurt very deeply - even if the one you know isn't very sensitive. I don't think this is a type thing....I guess just like some INTJs can be cold, stand-offish, avoidant, or too picky....some ENFPs are just shallow and mess with people's feelings.
Disappointing people come in all MBTI flavors.

 

[SillySapienne]

I think everyone is being thrown off by that one sentence. These are people he didnt know. People he had just met. He was just being casually nice to them. Being his animated ENFP self. I've met ENFJ's and they have an aura of certainty about them. He does not. He is as random and spontaneous as they come. HE IS NOT ENFJ. Not one bit.

Anyway, I didnt create this thread because I was doubtful of his type. I am NOT. I do appreciate everyone's response and words of comfort.

Sigh...I'm exhausted. My Fi is really kicking in...that happens when people don't believe me.

Taking a break....

Your avatar coupled with your vulnerability and kindness make me feel guilty for harping on the whether or not this dude is an ENFP or not, thing.

I'm sorry.

I just got an idea!!!!!

Let's get some of the ENFP males to contribute to this thread.

Sytpg (I can't spell his username for shit, I think that's it)

Wonkavision

and, MisterEyebrows are the three ENFPs I know who frequent this site, perhaps they could help you a bit more with your current predicament.

 

[SillySapienne]

Disappointing people come in all MBTI flavors.

^ Wisest post I've read in a while, thoroughly true and kinda depressing.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

Disappointing people come in all MBTI flavors.

Wow! I love this line. I'm going to shamelessly co-opt it.

 

[Thalassa]

^ Wisest post I've read in a while, thoroughly true and kinda depressing.

Yeah, I felt sad while writing it.

Wow! I love this line. I'm going to shamelessly co-opt it.

Go for it.

 

[thescientist]

Fwiw, I wanna kick this guy's ass, what an immature douche. :steam:

If I could get a dollar for every time I've been deeply hurt by an immature man-child, a very rich woman I'd be.

I've never messed with an INTJ's heart, nor would I want to.

I wouldn't want to mess with anybody's heart, just like I wouldn't want anyone to mess with mine. uch:

I'm gonna get some rest and reread your posts.

I was angry for a long time. I've let go of the anger. I understand he was probably just taken aback by me initially just as I was by him.

I agree with both EW and SS....you seem very mature and in touch with your emotions, and I would hate to see you close off all vulnerability because of this immature, selfish man. FWIW, ENFPs get hurt too - and can be hurt very deeply - even if the one you know isn't very sensitive. I don't think this is a type thing....I guess just like some INTJs can be cold, stand-offish, avoidant, or too picky....some ENFPs are just shallow and mess with people's feelings.
Disappointing people come in all MBTI flavors.

I dont think he meant to intentionally hurt me. I think he was irresponsible with my feelings and selfish. But, yeah, it hurt anyway.

Your avatar coupled with your vulnerability and kindness make me feel guilty for harping on the whether or not this dude is an ENFP or not, thing.

I'm sorry.

I just got an idea!!!!!

Let's get some of the ENFP males to contribute to this thread.

Sytpg (I can't spell his username for shit, I think that's it)

Wonkavision

and, MisterEyebrows are the three ENFPs I know who frequent this site, perhaps they could help you a bit more with your current predicament.

it's okay...I know you guys mean well.

i'm not sure anyone can help me with my predicament...it's just time to let go...I need to stop dreaming of bumping into him...I need to stop hoping that he's thinking of me....I need to stop the urges to contact him.. Must...let...go...

 

[Rebe]

SS: If I could get a dollar for every time I've been deeply hurt by an immature man-child, a very rich woman I'd be.

:yim_rolling_on_the_

I agree with people here. Don't push yourself too hard to forget, sometimes feelings are just like the tide, when it is in, it is IN, don't exhaust more energy pushing it back when you should just let it float the beach. *I may be killing this metaphor * In time, you will see that it was a great experience and you have more knowledge now as to what to do next time something like this happens. Perhaps you will cut loose faster or you will get over it faster or you will enjoy it more during the interaction process. In any case, people learn from experience.

(I don't know how people expect to be wise without experience...you know, those people who believes they KNOW what they are talking about and tries to give you advice but they have NEVER been in that situation before . Okay, I am still kind of mad at my esfj friend because she, in a very snarky tone, told me that I was completely unrealistic with my relationship with (my) INTJ. My response was that, WELL, you TELL me HOW EASY IT IS WHEN YOU HAVE LIKED SOMEONE AS MUCH AS I LIKED HIM. Our connection, imo, was amazing, to me. Yes, I was hurt and sad and whatever for a long time, too long, but I have learned from it like nothing else. I am a better person and I deal with things MUCH better and I know now what I like from men. )

So, don't feel too bad about your response to it. It is normal and it is okay. We are here for you.

 

[ergophobe]

Thanks

Somehow I do think it's a type thing...you guys are quick to move on. But in the rare occasion that an INTJ opens their heart up, they are giving you their very soul. It's so much harder to recover from that...

As an ENFP, I don't think the quick to move on part reflects my experience at all. When I was younger, as an Ennea 7, I'd just move on without processing. It wasn't healthy and it wasn't really moving on. At some point though, it catches up with you and makes relationships hard. I concur with the wise ENFPs who have written here before me...in mature, considerate ENFPs, you'll see the following, at least from their (our) perspective:
1. Sincere excitement about a romantic interest and a straightforward, rather unsubtle expression of their interest. For all our extroverted ways, we're pretty darn awkward and shy about expressing feelings to people who really matter and can't wait to let them and some others know.
2. An honest effort to be honest. I wouldn't dream of "keeping my options open" romantically. Frankly, the thought itself is rather abhorrent. If I felt like the person I was interested in and I had reached a point where we were going to try to make a go of things, whatever that might mean - crossed a physical or emotional line, I would immediately let anyone else know that I was going to concentrate on making it work. It wouldn't be in a way that would pressure on the situation by calling it anything it wasn't but for myself, it's about living up to my standards.
3. If in the position where the other person felt/needed more than I could offer, I would do everything possible to make it crystal clear to them that I didn't feel the same way. I would do this for THEM because it would be the considerate thing to do and what I would expect in a similar situation. No grey area possible because the grey hurts.

So, when folks questioned his ENFPness, I think we're all thinking that this fellow who has caused you so much hurt just doesn't reflect our experience. He may very well be an ENFP but he's just not a mature considerate person. As Marm said, they come in all MBTI flavors.

Whatever his MBTI type, he didn't treat you well. That's unacceptable. It's okay to blame him for that. Doesn't make him the spawn of evil but I think it's okay to be angry and use that anger constructively. You know it's okay to move past when you can think of him fondly and as human without wanting to see him or make things work with him.

Wondering if he thinks of you...I've certainly been there, finding it difficult to forget someone and wondering if it's easier for them, darn it...

Here's what's difficult though - how do you stop and move on? Is wondering whether he's thinking of you helping you make that transition? Will 3 or 30 of us here saying romantic interactions have a profound affect on our lives going to make transitioning on easier? if yes, by all means continue to tear things apart. If not, find a way to closure, the way others have suggested. I don't think anyone who's said that here meant to imply that it was easy or said that in a patronizing manner. We've all been there and mean to say, "take care of yourself, that's all you can do". Figure our how YOU feel and what YOU need to feel better about the situation and move on.

 

[Lady_X]

i think when relationships end without potential being realized or possibilities explored it's just harder to let go...you felt so intensely but never got to experience it fully...just leaves you with all these unresolved emotions. i think the best thing you can do is to see what good came from it. what you learned about yourself and what's important to you and try your best to accept that learning that was reason enough...i know it's hard...but don't worry yourself about how he's feeling about it...rather it's hard for him or he's thinking of you or not...either way it will still hurt...if he's great as you think he is why not just trust he had his reasons and it's even likely he had your best interest in mind.

 

[blomiki]

Yup, the damn lack of closure I think is what is making this situation so difficult (and the thread so long!). You tried confrontation and he didn't explain his behaviour or acknowledge how unfair he'd been (the things he said seem to be "defense mode" answers). And he didn't come chasing after you. So I guess... t i m e and something else to take your attention off it maybe.

Like I said, my closure-less relationship-that-ended-before-it-started took me months and months to get over. It got FAR worse before it started getting better. I was physically nervous every time I THOUGHT of him. Dreamed about him almost every night. Kept imagining I'd run into him even when it was logically impossible. Just because I still wished we could just have some final conversation. Even though I knew we were so raw a final conversation would do more damage than good.

I don't want to scare you, but sometimes (18 months later) I still casually wonder what could have been. But 99% of my day I'm so happy, and I sincerely hope this for you, because I'm in an incredibly fulfilling, connected relationship now.

 

[Moiety]

I don't want to scare you, but sometimes (18 months later) I still casually wonder what could have been. But 99% of my day I'm so happy, and I sincerely hope this for you, because I'm in an incredibly fulfilling, connected relationship now.

That's the saddest fucking thing ever. And people ask me why I don't date.

 

[Immaculate Cloud]

To Scientist,



A very wise friend of mine has a 'post-mortem' question for relationship flops:

What is it in you that you crave/d, unconsciously, from the other person, that was valuable enough for you to switch off your discernment, that clouded your judgment?

 

[gmanyo]

In response to the original post, I have an ENFP friend who says he almost never misses anyone. He likes people alot, he just doesn't miss them.

 

[Lady_X]

well i miss people all the time so who the hell knows about this enfp guy...so not type related.

 

[Immaculate Cloud]

My IRL ENFP swears that friends are held loosely, whatever that means, yet sends sappy emails to a group of 20+ people to say how special they are, how much they contribute to her growth, etc.

 

[Lady_X]

ughh...i would never do that....and feel the opposite totally...wth.

 

[Rebe]

My IRL ENFP swears that friends are held loosely, whatever that means, yet sends sappy emails to a group of 20+ people to say how special they are, how much they contribute to her growth, etc.

Eww, that's like emotional prostitution.