[ENFP] ENFPs: Beating 'Em Off with a Stick (Not the ENFP, But Those They Encounter)

[simulatedworld]

I have noticed an extraordinary trend as far as people feeling drawn to/associating emotionally with the ENF types. And I think this skill or quality actually might be more common in NF types than in others, that is to say, the only reason INFP's and INFJ's may have people drawn to them somewhat less (which is not to say that they wouldn't contribute emotionally to the relationship, they would - perhaps much more than the Extroverts) is that they are reserved and may take a little longer to know. I think NF's may put themselves in others' shoes more easily or often than other temperaments.

But to respond more directly to the OP:

You're probably right that NFs tend to be better at empathizing with different perspectives than other types. But if anything I've noticed ENFPs clinging too much to others, not the other way around! Many seem to need frequent reassurance that everyone thinks they're great and wonderful people.

The OP just sounds really odd to me because it's the opposite of the problem I usually see with ENFPs. They're often the ones who need to be beaten off with sticks, not the ones doing the beating.

 

[Thalassa]

Your clarification helps...some :/ but really the op is totally cringe worthy..sorry but no can't relate. I value connections I make with people and would never think it was of more importance them. If anything I'd likely feel the opposite...people touch me all the time even seemingly meaningless interactions..I just tend to view these connections as a shared thing.

Yeah me too.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

Why so snippy? The poster was just asking, no one can know the gender of anyone else on here until they ask. We've all been led astray by avatars and screen names.

Oy vey. I was just trying to be funny. Not snippy. Sarcasm.

 

[Southern Kross]

#2 - BTW, I'm oscillating between embarrassment and self-satisfaction for giving this thread such an obnoxious title. Please forgive me for the annoying qualities of the title... and yet hopefully the naysayers will chuckle a bit while rolling their eyes at the obnoxiousness of it.

Maybe it was a little inappropriate but I got your tone. It didn't offend me really because I have literally remarked to an ENFP friend how she has to "beat them off with a stick" (both those pursuing her romantically and non-romantically) . In reply, she quietly and modestly acknowledged it to be true and seemed flattered at the attention but she didn't appear to take any real pleasure in dealing with it.

 

[Thalassa]

But if anything I've noticed ENFPs clinging too much to others, not the other way around! ...

...The OP just sounds really odd to me because it's the opposite of the problem I usually see with ENFPs. They're often the ones who need to be beaten off with sticks, not the ones doing the beating.

This is my experience of myself as well.

 

[Zarathustra]

You know, Esoteric, this thread has *really* touched me...

My life will never be the same again after this...

You're like no individual I've ever met...

Mine eyes have now been opened to the glory that is you...

 

[JocktheMotie]

Well, I notice a lot of people have said that ENFPs are shameless flirts when the ENFPs just say they're being friendly, so the overestimation can go both ways. Like with all contrary viewpoints, the truth is probably somewhere between what each side experiences.

 

[Zarathustra]

btw, did anyone else get a sense of NPD from the OP...?

anyone know whether NPD happens to be more common amongst ENFPs than others?

 

[simulatedworld]

^ Yes. NPD is most common in E__P types.

 

[JocktheMotie]

btw, did anyone else get a sense of NPD from the OP...?

anyone know whether NPD happens to be more common amongst ENFPs than others?

Pe-doms in general probably.

 

[Thalassa]

So since the OP has been proven to be overly conceited, we should proceed to the real topic being projected here...that ENFPs are stalkers.

 

[CzeCze]

Don't worry Esoteric, as is often quoted in other threads on this forum "haters gonna hate". :insert clever picture here:

I think this thread is a good contextualizer? for your thread:

http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/nf-idyllic/28829-entp-wants-get-shy-people-open-up.html

I understand what you are talking about in your OP Esoteric, regardless of how it was worded or is being received - I think probably some of the threads on why "weirdoes/creeps latch onto NFs (particularly INFPs)" is another good contextualizer for your thread.

I don't think you were trying to say that you were the ish or that ENFPs are the ish, but that you were genuinely surprised by the response you were getting from people in what you thought were passing casual exchanges. I think some introverts in this thread have given good observations/ideas as to why.

My short answer would be that people resonate well with genuine warmth and friendliness. Coupled this with the fact ENFPs can be good with having random conversations with random people about all sorts of topics in depth and breadth. And ENFPs similar to ESFP/ENTPs can be 'easy/breezy' for better or worse and for random encounters the lightness/randomess helps put people at ease and gain their confidence. And once you gain someone's confidence it goes a long way to how they view you or the interaction.

PS And what some others have said about being a "friend slut" - people reading flirtatiousness into your behavior when there is none. Professor Goodstain example was an extreme (and funny...so wrong...so sorry PG for that awkward moment!). There is also a thread or two on ENFPs being overly flirtatious or ENTP's enthusiasm for ideas getting mistaken for personal interest.

 

[CzeCze]

Mod Note: "Gengarific posts" moved here

Carry on!

 

[Malkavia]

What I'd really like to know from ENFPs: how others can tell that their relationship is closer than usual? Is there a clear distinction between shallow relationships and more intimate ones? Is there are major obvious change in the dynamic when you become closer to someone or is subtler and harder to spot? A what sorts of things would you want get out of a ideal friendship?

I'll try to make this thread somewhat productive...

I try much harder on my intimate and serious relationships, platonic as well as romantic. I remember what you say, ask you about updates on personal things, get you gifts that would be personal, etc...

I dont think there is an obvious change. When I first meet someone I sort of know whether or not I want to be closer to them. Maybe its the N? I dont know, but I go with my gut feeling when it comes to friends.

When it comes to friendships, I want to be able to be my crazy ass self without getting judged. I also want to be able to have intelligent and witty conversations. Ive noticed I have very low standards when it comes to becoming regular friends, but very high standards when it comes to entering my inner circle.

Hope this doesnt sound pretentious.

 

[Scott N Denver]

My only point is that in my travels, I've had several occasions that I felt like I had made a minor emotional connection with another person. Later, I'd receive a hand written note from that person thanking me for discussing the deeper points in their life and making some insightful suggestions to them.

This has happened to me on more than one occasion.

My only point is... not to extol my own virtues... but to understand the dynamic that occurs in non-ENFP / ENFP interactions. Per my life experience these interactions can include deep, meaningful emotional connections between the non-ENFP and the ENFP. Afterward, the non-ENFP is bowled over by the emotional import of their ENFP interaction experience... whereas the ENFP considers such an interaction as run-of-the-mill at best.

This disparity in the ENFP / Non-ENFP interaction has nothing to do with the ENFP being God's gift to humanity. It has more to do with the fact that connecting with people on an emotionally meaningful level comes naturally for the ENFP but not necessarily for other types. Thus, what seems ordinary for the ENFP, is extraordinary for the non-ENFP.

I can totally see this dynamic, and don't think the OP is inflating themself or their impact on others. ENF's are often high energy and positive, which many other people apparently aren't, so when someone meets said ENF they are like "wow, your so energetic and deep and friendly, you *obviously* really like me or something", meanwhile the ENF doesn't necessarily find the other person all that interesting or whatnot.

Lenore Thomson points out a somewhat different issue for INFP's, where by virtue of their [INFP's] goodwill other people see a "social opening" that is more than the INFP had bargained for.

 

[Amargith]

Personally, I do relate to the OP. Granted, maybe the formulation was a bit rough around the edges, but I personally do look for deep meaningful connections. It's what makes me feel alive. This automaticall makes me friendly towards just about anyone that approaches me, because they hold potential (depending on the circumstances in which I meet them). This is even more true for people that I myself approach, as I saw something in them that I like.

However, not every person is compatible with me and I am fully aware of that. Does that mean I don't care for them? No...but the great start we made stagnates, strands on a certain level, which means it is nice to talk to them, but it stays superficial, is not really that intense or meaningful to me. For some however, this level already apparently feels intense, as they themselves don't naturally make these connections with others. And that can create confusion. Especially as there are only 24 hours in a day, and it is hard to keep up with everyone and still get time to recharge. I'm not as skilled at this as, say, an ENFJ.

Does that mean I don't like these people that I sometimes don't have time for? Not at all. But it can also means that they might consider us to be more than we are. I personally just always wish for them to enjoy what we have, I do the same

As for SK's question...the moment we truly click, yo uwill notice it in the convo's. They are deeper, and ask about who you are. I always do this anyways in the beginning, but if there's a lot of common ground or interesting stuff to work with, the convo will flow. If it stays with silly banter, and doesnt reach that personal level...we're just having some fun. People I'm truly close to also get to see bits and pieces of who I am. Meaning...I do share who I am, but I won't share my vulnerabilities with just anyone, unless I'm under great duress. I'll share stuff I'm not proud of, things that I feel uncertain about, things from my past. One exception: if I have an experience that I've digested and think might help you with your current situation, I'll openly talk about it. Though that too indicates more of a bond than just silly goofing around, it's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the things that i truly feel scared of showing, due to judgement, and the fact that it is in fact a sensitive topic to me still, something I'm still working on.

If I do that..you at least have part of my trust. The amount that I share, and show, indicates how intense our bond is to me, and how much I trust you, and feel safe with you. You'll also see an increase of me seeking you out. I tend to let people come to me, unless I 'm in a silly mood and wanna prod some people. But, the moment I just wanna hang out with you, even when we have nothing to say, just to enjoy your presence...that means something
Even if I sometimes disappear for a while, or don't seek you out (I'm probably off being distracted).

 

[sculpting]

btw, did anyone else get a sense of NPD from the OP...?

anyone know whether NPD happens to be more common amongst ENFPs than others?

I'd suggest:
NPD=EXTPs
BPD=ENFPs
HPD=probably ESFPs

anyways OP, understand that you may have the ability to develop these interactions. There will be Fi/Fe confusion over if you are flirting or not.

Recognize the hurt the confusion may cause and learn to curb your natural inclination as to not mislead others or be sure to direct them clearly if there is confusion.

It is a good question to ask. Amar has often spoken of the ability to induce Fi emotive tendencies in another-this will feel like deep affection for them. I did this without realizing it for a long time, but it more of a tentative fashion. It makes ISTJs smile and feel nurtured, but didnt seem to be confused for anything more.

However if you use those connections in a manipulative fashion, you will hurt them. Other types do this all the time, and it is just accepted. Somehow I feel ENFPs are under a higher obligation not to do this. I dont know why.

 

[pyramid]

Esoteric Wench,

I have gotten the same kinds of surprising handwritten notes, gifts in the mail, and pictures drawn of me from these kinds of interactions. Luckily they weren't unwelcome. While a bit overboard I was nothing but flattered to have someone take my ideas seriously. You never know when someone is really listening, so I just try to be positive & consistent and know people can be impacted without recognizing it or reacting. To me it's all about the random times it comes through. Maybe those meetings or the responses have more meaning for you than you notice at first glance? I do deal with others trying to put me on a bizarre pedistal but mostly I just empathize with the idea of being starved for conversation in one way or another. I feel that way when no one wants to talk about significant things, so it's easy for me to see why some are so happy I share those moments with 'em.


I DO have a problem with, say, homeless folks who are out of touch with the zeitgeist flocking to me. If they channel another planet or are eating canned cat food with their hands they'd love to tell me about it and the rest of their conspiracy theories if I don't keep walking..

Honestly though I don't get enough feedback to want any less! If I am trying to ward people off (I don't usually want to be unapproachable but everyone needs their space) I do it with body language/posture/tone of voice. I work with a lot of individuals who are non-verbal for various reasons so this helps

 

[Amargith]

HP, I think it's because ENFP's are probably more 'lethal' without realizing it, often.

INFPs are better at the Fi-invoking than ENFPs are, but not as outgoing. ESFPs tend not to dig through someone's soul, same for ISFPs, they connect through other means.

ENFPs have that lethal combo of wanting to meet people and being good at navigating social circles, while seeking for that intimate connection with those rare few that are compatible.

Other types aren't as proficient/interested in going that deep, prefer to keep social distances etc.

 

[sculpting]

HP, I think it's because ENFP's are probably more 'lethal' without realizing it, often.

INFPs are better at the Fi-invoking than ENFPs are, but not as outgoing. ESFPs tend not to dig through someone's soul, same for ISFPs, they connect through other means.

ENFPs have that lethal combo of wanting to meet people and being good at navigating social circles, while seeking for that intimate connection with those rare few that are compatible.

Other types aren't as proficient/interested in going that deep, prefer to keep social distances etc.

haha, I actually meant I, myself, personally feel our type is under a higher obligation not to do this, and it bothers me if I see this behavior-although it seems other types may feel the same way towards ENFPs. It is something about the authenticity.

Being an ENTP and putting on some sweet Fe just doesnt seem as evil as being an ENFP and using Fi advantageously.

Odd that.

Interesting contrast-our emo shouldnt be used to harm and should be authentic and true, but yet when we are authentic to our emo, we get slammed for emo displays. I dunno...interesting thoughts to chew on.

EDIT-ah I get it. Yup I guess we could be lethal huh. hmmmm.