[ENFP] ENFPs and Being Controlling

[cascadeco]

^ Actually if a small-talk sort of question is necessary, what I almost always would ask would be 'How was your weekend?' -- and with that, almost any answer goes - they can fill in the blanks with what they did, how much it sucked, how awesome it was, whatever. It then takes things away from their present emotional state, which in the end people don't really need or want to know the details of if it's a very work-y relationship. Again, your friends /those you actually divulge personal info to at work are ones you could then share the angst with (which I've certainly done myself!! )

 

[stalemate]

Gah... on the elevator this morning, I saw a lady who I hadn't seen in forever because she has been on maternity leave. I actually like this woman, but it seems not many people do. She seems to be nicer to me than she is to most other people too so I think I've cracked her shell or something.

I thought I would be more friendly and make her feel welcome since I know how hard it must be to come back from maternity leave (my wife had a hard time with it last year).

So... I asked her if it is her first day back and she said yes and I gave her a look like I know this is hard and I said "well, welcome back" and what I meant is "I am glad to see you" but welcome back is how it came out...

Anyway, some other lady pipes up and says "I know how hard this is for you, so I'm not going to say 'welcome back'." And then the two of them went off into some corner of the elevator and started talking all about it.

Is this an Fe failure on my part? I should go back to faking it...

 

[Starry]

Gah... on the elevator this morning, I saw a lady who I hadn't seen in forever because she has been on maternity leave. I actually like this woman, but it seems not many people do. She seems to be nicer to me than she is to most other people too so I think I've cracked her shell or something.

I thought I would be more friendly and make her feel welcome since I know how hard it must be to come back from maternity leave (my wife had a hard time with it last year).

So... I asked her if it is her first day back and she said yes and I gave her a look like I know this is hard and I said "well, welcome back" and what I meant is "I am glad to see you" but welcome back is how it came out...

Anyway, some other lady pipes up and says "I know how hard this is for you, so I'm not going to say 'welcome back'." And then the two of them went off into some corner of the elevator and started talking all about it.

Is this an Fe failure on my part? I should go back to faking it...

Not even. That just sounds like normal social 'people playing/building off of what other people say' kind of thing. Honestly. I bet if you hadn't been there the other lady would have said all herself "Welcome back BUT I know how hard..."

If you see her again you can open up more about your wife's experience if you want...but I truly see no failure here on your part.

 

[Starry]

I have to be very careful about the "how are you question?". My instinctual response is to tell them exactly how I am in all the bitter, ansgty, moody glory. It could easily turn into a five minute convo. Often the answer may be "My day sucks. these people are all crazy? What the hell?" Hehehehe, on some level I am lucky as I work with a couple of friends and we can do this with each other.

However, at some point I learned to bite my tongue as they didnt REALLY want to hear about my day. It actually is much easier as at heart I am sort of a people pleaser, so once you guys explained the Fe-side, if saying "oh, having a great day and you?" makes them a little bit happier, well sure, I can do that.

I suppose that's how I have managed to trick my Fi-authenticity detector a bit!

I really like/agree with everything that is written here.

 

[cascadeco]

Gah... on the elevator this morning, I saw a lady who I hadn't seen in forever because she has been on maternity leave. I actually like this woman, but it seems not many people do. She seems to be nicer to me than she is to most other people too so I think I've cracked her shell or something.

I thought I would be more friendly and make her feel welcome since I know how hard it must be to come back from maternity leave (my wife had a hard time with it last year).

So... I asked her if it is her first day back and she said yes and I gave her a look like I know this is hard and I said "well, welcome back" and what I meant is "I am glad to see you" but welcome back is how it came out...

Anyway, some other lady pipes up and says "I know how hard this is for you, so I'm not going to say 'welcome back'." And then the two of them went off into some corner of the elevator and started talking all about it.

Is this an Fe failure on my part? I should go back to faking it...

Like StarryKnights said, I don't think it's a big deal at all, and don't think you did anything wrong. I wouldn't say it's an 'Fe Fail', no. You conversed, welcomed her... it's not like one has to be scripted or anything. For myself, at least, I always take into account who I'm speaking to - everyone varies in their conversational style/etc. And yeah, if you see her again, 1:1, you could always chat a bit more if you're inclined or feel she may have taken it the wrong way. But your description doesn't sound bad or anything, imo. If anything, it's the other woman who was rude/catty/Fe-fail by leveraging what you said to make it sound bad.

 

[stalemate]

If anything, it's the other woman who was rude/catty/Fe-fail by leveraging what you said to make it sound bad.

Yeah, I think she totally was. It seemed she was specifically excluding me or trying to make me sound bad. But I was just wondering why and if I had said something totally dumb unintentionally.

 

[cascadeco]

Yeah, I think she totally was. It seemed she was specifically excluding me or trying to make me sound bad. But I was just wondering why and if I had said something totally dumb unintentionally.

Well, she apparently thought you committed a huge faux pas since she was being kind of catty like that, but honestly... yeah. Some people are just like that - very particular. I really don't think it's an Fe thing though, and like I said, don't think what you said was 'totally dumb'. Your heart was in the right place.

 

[entropie]

Can ENFPs be controlling ? Would really need a very doggy person to fall for that wouldnt it ? I mean, I am controlling, but ENFPs, nah !

 

[Starry]

Yeah, I think she totally was. It seemed she was specifically excluding me or trying to make me sound bad. But I was just wondering why and if I had said something totally dumb unintentionally.

Wow...I totally missed the point on this. Sorry. Glad cascadeco was able to see it. Man I AM a social idiot. I need a special Fe forum where I can ask social questions.

 

[skylights]

Is this an Fe failure on my part? I should go back to faking it...

imo it was nasty Fe usage of your wording to make herself sound superior.

more and more i'm coming to think that Fi mostly "talks" in feeling tones (tone of voice / inflection / cadence / emphasis / looks / body language) and it doesn't matter so much what the exact words are. it's why we're so good at telling when people don't mean what they say... so much of it is in how it's being said.

sadly that also means people can take our less-important exact wording and cast it in an entirely different light.

most Fs seem to like talking in person better for that reason, anyway. so much more can be communicated and understood than simply the text that is written or the words that are said.

 

[sculpting]

imo it was nasty Fe usage of your wording to make herself sound superior.

more and more i'm coming to think that Fi mostly "talks" in feeling tones (tone of voice / inflection / cadence / emphasis / looks / body language) and it doesn't matter so much what the exact words are. it's why we're so good at telling when people don't mean what they say... so much of it is in how it's being said.

sadly that also means people can take our less-important exact wording and cast it in an entirely different light.

most Fs seem to like talking in person better for that reason, anyway. so much more can be communicated and understood than simply the text that is written or the words that are said.

I think this is true as well-Fi doesnt use words but instead a lot of subtle glances/reflections/tones the other person gives off. It is about the tone they use, not the exact words. I often use totally the wrong word and dont really mind.

In text land, I can place my ideas out there but I cannot find any information regarding emotional tone to take back up-unlike what the Fe users seem to mention. There are no faces to watch or tones of voice to listen to, no body movements to observe. I take what I see written as exactly what was meant-nothing more. Thus I appear to come across as a total abrasive, know it all bitch while being simultaneously oblivious. This really bothers me as it isnt something I am like in person.