[ENFJ] ENFJs: specific differences btwn your "friendly" flirting and "actual" flirting

[AutumnReverie]

ENFJs: specific differences btwn your "friendly" flirting and "actual" flirting

Okay so I've recently, this past week or so, become interested in a coworker who I believe is an ENFJ. I've read a lot in past discussions about how ENFJ's "friendliness" is often misinterpreted for "flirting". IMO, he's obviously friendly to everyone (teases everyone, jokes with everyone, etc) but I think that I've noticed some subtle differences in how he interacts with me vs. these other people.

So I was just wondering if you ENFJs could help me out, please.

What do you do differently when you're actually interested in someone/ what is your real flirting like?

 

[Arclight]

To me there is only friendly flirting.

Unless I am convinced it destiny.. which has happened maybe 3 times in my life.. I wont approach you if I like you.

If I like you, you'll know by how much Ignore you.. Like I have said before.. it's very counter productive

 

[AutumnReverie]

Oh. Well that's discouraging

*sigh* It's okay if it doesn't turn out to be more than that though, I'm not actively pursuing anything at this point (yet), I've just been being equally friendly & flirty, trying out this whole "go with the flow" concept that other people seem to be crazy about .

 

[Domino]

I like to be friendly with everyone, as you so deftly described, and I notice that my serious relationships develop from such interactions - and as I get to know you, the depth of my personal knowledge of you will actually cause me to tone WAY down and maybe even become shy and withdrawn and possibly physically run away like a big baby.

 

[AutumnReverie]

Thanks for replying!

...and maybe even become shy and withdrawn and possibly physically run away like a big baby.

And so what should someone who is interested in you do when you withdraw? Keep pursuing or back off too until you decide not to be shy/withdrawn anymore?

Unless I am convinced it destiny.. which has happened maybe 3 times in my life...

Out of curiosity, what did you do differently in those 3 situations?

 

[Afkan]

Okay so I've recently, this past week or so, become interested in a coworker who I believe is an ENFJ. I've read a lot in past discussions about how ENFJ's "friendliness" is often misinterpreted for "flirting". IMO, he's obviously friendly to everyone (teases everyone, jokes with everyone, etc) but I think that I've noticed some subtle differences in how he interacts with me vs. these other people.

So I was just wondering if you ENFJs could help me out, please.

What do you do differently when you're actually interested in someone/ what is your real flirting like?]

Interestingly, w/ me, if things are going too well to be true than they probably are.

I tend to banter & joke and tease if i really, really like you. And I tend to make banter more and more personal & specific, custom made, tailored for the individual and show off my perceptions of how well I "think" i get you to see reactions to tell if I "really" get you.

 

[Arclight]

Thanks for replying!



And so what should someone who is interested in you do when you withdraw? Keep pursuing or back off too until you decide not to be shy/withdrawn anymore?



Out of curiosity, what did you do differently in those 3 situations?

I trusted my instincts and went for it.. 2 of the 3 were very intense and passionate and disastrous I hope they have prepared me better for time number 3 which is kind of not concluded yet or even really started

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

I shall be studying this thread. Do not mind me, I'll be in the corner and may occasionally ask a question.

 

[AutumnReverie]

Interestingly, w/ me, if things are going too well to be true than they probably are.

I tend to banter & joke and tease if i really, really like you. And I tend to make banter more and more personal & specific, custom made, tailored for the individual and show off my perceptions of how well I "think" i get you to see reactions to tell if I "really" get you.

That's definitely one of the things that I noticed him doing differently for me, as opposed to how he jokes with other people at work. With other people, his jokes/banter/etc is usually general (general work-related, general-pop culture reference related, general innuendo related) but basically what he says to one person he would easily say to anyone else at work.

Whereas with me, it's a lot more personalized: he'll jokingly suggest something be "our song", or joke about our future "wedding", etc. Or if I playfully get mad at him for something, he'll talk about how he'll make it up to me and continues to bring it up that he "owe's" me something good. And I've never seen him banter like that (those subjects) with any other girl at work.


Another question: how do you, ENFJs, use touching when interacting or flirting with other people?

He fist-bumps and high fives everyone at work (incl. me), but I've never seen him actually touch anyone else -- except for me. He'll stand so close (like in my personal space), or poke me, or hold my hand (once), or purposely full-body bump into me. Does that just mean he considers me a better friend? I've only just met him.

I trusted my instincts and went for it.. 2 of the 3 were very intense and passionate and disastrous I hope they have prepared me better for time number 3 which is kind of not concluded yet or even really started

Sorry for asking so many questions (I just love details ), but how exactly did you just "go for it"? What kind of behaviors did you exhibit during this time?

 

[Arclight]

That's definitely one of the things that I noticed him doing differently for me, as opposed to how he jokes with other people at work. With other people, his jokes/banter/etc is usually general (general work-related, general-pop culture reference related, general innuendo related) but basically what he says to one person he would easily say to anyone else at work.

Whereas with me, it's a lot more personalized: he'll jokingly suggest something be "our song", or joke about our future "wedding", etc. Or if I playfully get mad at him for something, he'll talk about how he'll make it up to me and continues to bring it up that he "owe's" me something good. And I've never seen him banter like that (those subjects) with any other girl at work.


Another question: how do you, ENFJs, use touching when interacting or flirting with other people?

He fist-bumps and high fives everyone at work (incl. me), but I've never seen him actually touch anyone else -- except for me. He'll stand so close (like in my personal space), or poke me, or purposely full-body bump into me. Does that just mean he considers me a better friend? I've only just met him this month.



Sorry for asking so many questions (I just love details ), but how exactly did you just "go for it"? What kind of behaviors did you exhibit during this time?

This is probably going to disappoint you.
But because I was so sure.. I just didn't worry about stuff in the same way I normally would.. I was confident. So really, my behavior was more genuine and real then it would be in most cases, in that I am very guarded, nothing is fake.. but I am choosy with what I am willing to show.
SO I just went with it.. I did not fight it, I nurtured it. I reacted against my instincts but never more with them at the same time. Something else just kind of took over.
I connected.. I can't explain it beyond that.

 

[AutumnReverie]

This is probably going to disappoint you.
But because I was so sure.. I just didn't worry about stuff in the same way I normally would.. I was confident. So really, my behavior was more genuine and real then it would be in most cases, in that I am very guarded, nothing is fake.. but I am choosy with what I am willing to show.
SO I just went with it.. I did not fight it, I nurtured it. I reacted against my instincts but never more with them at the same time. Something else just kind of took over.
I connected.. I can't explain it beyond that.

That doesn't disappoint me! Thanks so much for answering the question.

This situation I'm in now is very different for me too -- (in typical ISTJ fashion) I usually get to know (*cough*borderline interrogate*cough*...joke, kind of) a person for a great deal of time first, then access whether they have the qualities I'm looking for, then decide to proceed and try to figure out how to get their attention (and it usually fails because we're not on the same page). I basically would have a checklist and if they fulfilled all of that, I would proceed in my interactions with them.

But with this ENFJ, I've done none of that at all. I'm getting to know him in a very natural and fun way; it's comfortable. And I feel like we're connecting: like when i'm looking at him, he's looking at me in the same way. The whole thing is very odd for me - I'll be interested in seeing how it develops.

 

[kyuuei]

Friendly flirting - Anything that doesn't have the motivation of 'actual flirting'.

Actual flirting - I want to have sex with you.

 

[AutumnReverie]

Friendly flirting - Anything that doesn't have the motivation of 'actual flirting'.

Actual flirting - I want to have sex with you.

Ah, but how does your physical or verbal behavior actually differ? Do you do anything differently or do you do things the same (but only you know your true motivation)?

 

[ExAstrisSpes]

I tend to banter & joke and tease if i really, really like you. And I tend to make banter more and more personal & specific, custom made, tailored for the individual and show off my perceptions of how well I "think" i get you to see reactions to tell if I "really" get you.

If it's "real flirting", I get pretty naughty with the double entendres.

Another question: how do you, ENFJs, use touching when interacting or flirting with other people?

I'm kind of weird about touch and who I will let touch me (although I like the idea of cuddles parties and I like getting massages). I like giving hugs. In a workplace environment I might touch someone on the shoulder or elbow, but I'd have to be pretty close to them to do that.

With the person I'm currently dating, when I wanted him to grab my hand I would put it close to the middle of the table and expose my wrist. He was always too shy/flustered to actually go for it until much later. I always waited until his hands were close enough, and when I made my move he always backed off. It was really funny!

He did something really sweet for me on our second date and to "reward" him I took his arm on the way to the restaurant, but that seemed to make him uncomfortable so I grabbed his hand and I heard him gasp. He didn't let go, but I think it was a bit shocking for him.

 

[Sparrow]

^ Yea, I get turned off when people touch me pre-maturely, sometimes its a deal breaker. I have to make sure that I really like them first.

When I flirt, theres a ton of smiling involved, and I tend to look deep in to their eyes. I will also suggest that we hang out more . Oh and I will also give them tons of compliments...whatever I like about them I will say it out loud.

 

[Arclight]

^ Yea, I get turned off when people touch me pre-maturely, sometimes its a deal breaker. I have to make sure that I really like them first.

When I flirt, theres a ton of smiling involved, and I tend to look deep in to their eyes. I will also suggest that we hang out more . Oh and I will also give them tons of compliments...whatever I like about them I will say it out loud.

And it is exactly what it is .. a compliment .. we'll save the "flattery" for your mother.

 

[Sparrow]

And it is exactly what it is .. a compliment .. we'll save the "flattery" for your mother.

Its all about the way I say it not just random compliments here and there.

Flirty: "damn, your lips are luscious"

Not Flirty: "you have nice lips"

Flirty: intense deep stare in to his eyes..."your eyes are amazing"

Not Flirty: "your eyes are beautiful"

com·pli·ment (kmpl-mnt)
n.
1. An expression of praise, admiration, or congratulation.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

To me there is only friendly flirting.

Unless I am convinced it destiny.. which has happened maybe 3 times in my life.. I wont approach you if I like you.

If I like you, you'll know by how much Ignore you.. Like I have said before.. it's very counter productive

#1 - Arclight, OMG. I totally do this, too... except the more 'destiny' I feel it to be, the more I'm become catatonic. (Maybe that's the ineffable Fi thing.) It's completely banal and absurd... but that hasn't stopped me yet.

#2 - AutumnReverie, I love your title for this thread. ENFPs are often misunderstood to be flirting, too. I don't have any specific advice to give you other than to try to be friends with your ENFJ. If it's meant to happen, it will.

 

[AutumnReverie]

If it's "real flirting", I get pretty naughty with the double entendres.

Check.

He did something really sweet for me on our second date and to "reward" him I took his arm on the way to the restaurant, but that seemed to make him uncomfortable so I grabbed his hand and I heard him gasp. He didn't let go, but I think it was a bit shocking for him.

Aww, that's so cute!

Also, thanks for answering the touching question! My attitude towards touching is probably most like the person you're dating right now. If someone wants to hug me or hold my hand, they always have to initiate

When I flirt, theres a ton of smiling involved, and I tend to look deep in to their eyes. I will also suggest that we hang out more . Oh and I will also give them tons of compliments...whatever I like about them I will say it out loud.

Thanks for the response, good to know!

#2 - AutumnReverie, I love your title for this thread. ENFPs are often misunderstood to be flirting, too. I don't have any specific advice to give you other than to try to be friends with your ENFJ. If it's meant to happen, it will.

Oh yes, I'm definitely just going to try to be friends at this point. I'd like to get to know him more and let things progress naturally.

Bbbut I always like to have some sort of idea where something is heading -- not really the natural "go with the flow" or spontaneous type -- hence my trying to understand his actions better (the flirting).

 

[Unkindloving]

I'm a very aggressive flirt when I'm actually interested.
If I am friendly flirting with someone and they flirt back in a way that oversteps the boundaries, I get very " Hey now." I'm sure it comes across as being playful and nudgy, but there's no real warmth or coyness behind it.
You may be curious how one is aggressive and coy . I will be more obvious with my flirting in an actual scenario, almost demanding a reaction. If the reaction is something preferrable, I can get coy and very ":blushing: Aw shucks" about it.

I do what Afkan does, by way of person-specific comments.
I also make a lot of eye contact, smile far too much, can't get enough of the person I'm interested in, and become very touchy.

Touch does play a big part and can be a dead give away for my interest in someone. It's something to really take into account. I can appear to be flirting very hard with someone, but if I don't touch them beyond playful nudges to get their attention, then it's likely that I'm not actually interested.

Ex: NYC Typology meetup- Ballentinechen was sitting next to me and I kept playfully making comments every time he had to get out of his seat, because I had to move as well. My INFP friend swore I was flirting with him and hard. I didn't even notice or acknowledge it, because it was just my normal mode.