[ENFJ] ENFJ & INFP

[Udog]

Or the INFP, for that matter.

I would actually agree to that.

 

[lost verses]

But...I know that everyone says identical relationships do not work because they can't "help" eachother with their flaws, but...I dunno, I think the infp might actually work. The infp cares about love enough not to get bored and cast the other person aside, and so would the other infp. Sure, maybe a few mechanical, day to day stuff like getting taxes in on time may get lost since there's no "j" there, but so what?

 

[Southern Kross]

Not necessarily... I've seen way too many relationships that end up with one person just letting the life they lived crumble. After that you aren't left with the person you first fell for, but a misguided replica of them that has only one purpose.

There's difference between someone being the most important thing in your life compared to someone being the ONLY important thing in your life. That's all I was getting at. Maybe I should have been more explicit.

Oh I get it now.

It seems one of the major attraction for an ENFJ is personal passion or ambition - something that drives them and inspires them. If a relationship becomes all consuming and that personal passion gets pushed to the wayside its easy to see how that could be a turn-off for an ENFJ. That's really interesting because most people like it when their partner becomes defined by their relationship (as long as its not obsessive or anything) - when they become a sort of homogenized couple with common goals and desires. ENFJs on the other hand like to have intimacy without the reduction of individuality.

 

[Udog]

But...I know that everyone says identical relationships do not work because they can't "help" eachother with their flaws, but...I dunno, I think the infp might actually work. The infp cares about love enough not to get bored and cast the other person aside, and so would the other infp. Sure, maybe a few mechanical, day to day stuff like getting taxes in on time may get lost since there's no "j" there, but so what?

From what I understand, INFP - INFP is actually semi-common. It's often a happy relationship, as long as you get two INFPs that desire the inevitable detachment from the real world. (I always turn into the stingy INTJ around INFPs in real life, which is stressful to me. I can't handle them romantically.)

I guess I have issue with the idea of putting the partner over anything else. I'm not sure exactly why, but I think it's because my self identity will always be more important. Focused, single minded love like that tends to suffocate after a time. I'm extremely focused on "the relationship", but you need both parts to be happy and functional for them to be able to meld into something greater.

 

[Scott N Denver]

Oh I get it now.

It seems one of the major attraction for an ENFJ is personal passion or ambition - something that drives them and inspires them. If a relationship becomes all consuming and that personal passion gets pushed to the wayside its easy to see how that could be a turn-off for an ENFJ. That's really interesting because most people like it when their partner becomes defined by their relationship (as long as its not obsessive or anything) - when they become a sort of homogenized couple with common goals and desires. ENFJs on the other hand like to have intimacy without the reduction of individuality.

I totally agree with the above

From what I understand, INFP - INFP is actually semi-common. It's often a happy relationship, as long as you get two INFPs that desire the inevitable detachment from the real world. (I always turn into the stingy INTJ around INFPs in real life, which is stressful to me. I can't handle them romantically.)

I guess I have issue with the idea of putting the partner over anything else. I'm not sure exactly why, but I think it's because my self identity will always be more important. Focused, single minded love like that tends to suffocate after a time. I'm extremely focused on "the relationship", but you need both parts to be happy and functional for them to be able to meld into something greater.

I agree with ther above. Apparently male INFP's have VERY high probabilities of marrying female INFP's, female INFP's apparently are more open to [or successful at] marrying outside their type.

I keep thinking, "nah I need a NF non-INFP future partner" then I see some female INFP and I'm TOTALLY like We'll see who wins...

 

[lost verses]

From what I understand, INFP - INFP is actually semi-common. It's often a happy relationship, as long as you get two INFPs that desire the inevitable detachment from the real world. (I always turn into the stingy INTJ around INFPs in real life, which is stressful to me. I can't handle them romantically.)

I guess I have issue with the idea of putting the partner over anything else. I'm not sure exactly why, but I think it's because my self identity will always be more important. Focused, single minded love like that tends to suffocate after a time. I'm extremely focused on "the relationship", but you need both parts to be happy and functional for them to be able to meld into something greater.

So you think maybe that if two infps fit those requirements...1. desire inevitable detachment from the real world; 2. willing and wanting to put the relationship over anything else... that it could actually be a really content relationship?

I'm always attracted to those damn ENFx's though ...but I've been thinking lately that they may cause too much pain because of them either getting bored or getting fed up with the infp ways... so maybe the INFP would be the less painful way to go in the end for the infp...

 

[Scott N Denver]

So you think maybe that if two infps fit those requirements...1. desire inevitable detachment from the real world; 2. willing and wanting to put the relationship over anything else... that it could actually be a really content relationship?

I'm always attracted to those damn ENFx's though ...but I've been thinking lately that they may cause too much pain because of them either getting bored or getting fed up with the infp ways... so maybe the INFP would be the less painful way to go in the end for the infp...

I've had similar thoughts to your second paragraph.
This is my opinion, not Udog's, but I think two INFP's have a lot to offer each other. Just your type talks about this. Potential issue areas are things like 1) what if neither is very practical? 2) who's gonna be the de facto E? 3) who will be the defacto T? 4) who will be the defacto J? 5) world avoidance 6) "us vs the world" attitudes, stuff like that. I've heard such relationships described as "heaven or hell" relationships. At the end of the day, I think both offer the other a safe harbor that most of the rest of the world does not.

 

[SciVo]

But...I know that everyone says identical relationships do not work because they can't "help" eachother with their flaws, but...I dunno, I think the infp might actually work. The infp cares about love enough not to get bored and cast the other person aside, and so would the other infp. Sure, maybe a few mechanical, day to day stuff like getting taxes in on time may get lost since there's no "j" there, but so what?

It seems to me that for men in relationships with xNFP women, there's a "ghost" xSTJ present -- a paranormal ménage à trois -- due to societal expectations of gender roles. Maybe artsier (enneagram type 4) xNFP men wouldn't experience it that way, but I sense the ghost, even by myself. For example, I know that to get my taxes in on time, I need to buy a program, feel time pressure and get slightly drunk; and I do what it takes. I have this instinctive sense that I would end up moving ever further into my shadow in a relationship with another INFP, and that an INFJ would probably be much healthier for me.

 

[SpottingTrains]

Oh I get it now.

It seems one of the major attraction for an ENFJ is personal passion or ambition - something that drives them and inspires them. If a relationship becomes all consuming and that personal passion gets pushed to the wayside its easy to see how that could be a turn-off for an ENFJ. That's really interesting because most people like it when their partner becomes defined by their relationship (as long as its not obsessive or anything) - when they become a sort of homogenized couple with common goals and desires. ENFJs on the other hand like to have intimacy without the reduction of individuality.

Exactly, nice summary.

 

[OrangeAppled]

I guess I have issue with the idea of putting the partner over anything else. I'm not sure exactly why, but I think it's because my self identity will always be more important. Focused, single minded love like that tends to suffocate after a time. I'm extremely focused on "the relationship", but you need both parts to be happy and functional for them to be able to meld into something greater.

I see this view as "very INFP" actually. INFPs can be a bit rebellious, need a lot of space, and hold fast to their individuality. The need to be a unique individual and fulfill some idealistic vision is at odds with allowing a relationship to consume you.

Not to mention, no matter how great a love, I have certain values/morals that will never be compromised; so in that sense, I'd have to always maintain a strong self-identity.

Oh I get it now.

It seems one of the major attraction for an ENFJ is personal passion or ambition - something that drives them and inspires them. If a relationship becomes all consuming and that personal passion gets pushed to the wayside its easy to see how that could be a turn-off for an ENFJ. That's really interesting because most people like it when their partner becomes defined by their relationship (as long as its not obsessive or anything) - when they become a sort of homogenized couple with common goals and desires. ENFJs on the other hand like to have intimacy without the reduction of individuality.

Which is why, in theory, ENFJs can be a great match for the INFP, who would probably consider it very depressing to lose their individuality and give up on their dreams to become the other half of someone else. Or hey, maybe that's just me

Although, I will add that I think common goals, desires, and values are important things to share from the beginning; not because one person gives up their set for the other, but because you're on similar life paths already.

 

[Southern Kross]

I see this view as "very INFP" actually. INFPs can be a bit rebellious, need a lot of space, and hold fast to their individuality. The need to be a unique individual and fulfill some idealistic vision is at odds with allowing a relationship to consume you.

Not to mention, no matter how great a love, I have certain values/morals that will never be compromised; so in that sense, I'd have to always maintain a strong self-identity.




Which is why, in theory, ENFJs can be a great match for the INFP, who would probably consider it very depressing to lose their individuality and give up on their dreams to become the other half of someone else. Or hey, maybe that's just me

Although, I will add that I think common goals, desires, and values are important things to share from the beginning; not because one person gives up their set for the other, but because you're on similar life paths already.

I think it does suit INFP well. I have strong sense of self too and I don't think I could give that up for anyone. I think being supportive of (even encouraging in) your partner's individuality is very attractive quality. I would love to be with someone with whom I have a deep connection (and similar goals, values, and life path as you say) without the need to compromise my identity.

 

[Udog]

I'm always attracted to those damn ENFx's though ...but I've been thinking lately that they may cause too much pain because of them either getting bored or getting fed up with the infp ways... so maybe the INFP would be the less painful way to go in the end for the infp...

It would be a good start. You'd need to have some sort of overlapping interest set, too. There are real world matters that simply must be dealt with: Bills, grocery shopping, dinner, car/home maintenance (or repairs), etc. If one INFP is closer to the xxTJ divide than the other, s/he will become the pseudo TJ of the relationship, which leads to resentment on both sides.

It seems to me that for men in relationships with xNFP women, there's a "ghost" xSTJ present -- a paranormal ménage à trois -- due to societal expectations of gender roles. Maybe artsier (enneagram type 4) xNFP men wouldn't experience it that way, but I sense the ghost, even by myself. For example, I know that to get my taxes in on time, I need to buy a program, feel time pressure and get slightly drunk; and I do what it takes. I have this instinctive sense that I would end up moving ever further into my shadow in a relationship with another INFP, and that an INFJ would probably be much healthier for me.

This. I tend to become more INTJish in the presence of xNFPs, though. (Which I've always felt was what drew them to me moreso than my INFP side.) I don't have that issue with xNFJs, as they naturally fill in some of the gaps.

I think there are some major differences between the IP-EJ types that require alot of self-awareness, patience, and communication. When it's at it's best though, we both get each other's back in our areas of weaknesses.

 

[Thursday]

......without the need to compromise my identity.

We were involved and one day she confesses that the oral sex is something she did for me, and not a natural urge.
This made me furious. We didn't do it for a couple of days.

 

[Udog]

We were involved and one day she confesses that the oral sex is something she did for me, and not a natural urge.
This made me furious. We didn't do it for a couple of days.

What were you furious at?

 

[Poki]

We were involved and one day she confesses that the oral sex is something she did for me, and not a natural urge.
This made me furious. We didn't do it for a couple of days.

Me and my ENFJ had these conversations. It was just little things that I said I wanted to do even though I didnt, then we have things that she wished I would do without telling her I didnt want to. Whats up with that? How do you know?

 

[OrangeAppled]

We were involved and one day she confesses that the oral sex is something she did for me, and not a natural urge.
This made me furious. We didn't do it for a couple of days.

I don't see how this would compromise her self-identity. I see it as just doing something to make someone you care about happy. Now, if she was morally opposed to it and compromised her standards, then that is different.

 

[Thursday]

What were you furious at?

Apple is correct. But I still felt betrayed-that she compromised even a little, even though i would do so in a heartbeat.

And since I would be more than willing to do the same in the same way or a different way, I think it is about control and giving for me.
I feel uncomfortable receiving things from people(paranoia)....which was a problem since she was as much of a giver as I was(and thats a lot).

 

[The Third Rider]

Apple is correct. But I still felt betrayed-that she compromised even a little, even though i would do so in a heartbeat.

And since I would be more than willing to do the same in the same way or a different way, I think it is about control and giving for me.
I feel uncomfortable receiving things from people(paranoia)....which was a problem since she was as much of a giver as I was(and thats a lot).

But that is a double standard, how would you feel if she became furious at you after you confessed that you would compromise to make her happy? Personally I would take it as a slap in the face. I think you over reacted in that situation, just my opinion.

 

[Thursday]

But that is a double standard, how would you feel if she became furious at you after you confessed that you would compromise to make her happy? Personally I would take it as a slap in the face. I think you over reacted in that situation, just my opinion.

Yeah - it would have been much different if she wanted to try it instead of doing it because she thought it would make me happy

 

[runvardh]

If you can't handle someone wanting to give something to you it's your hang-up. I'd be happy some girl wanted to give me something as long as it wasn't objectionable to her. However, if she freaks out when I freely give for her happiness that doesn't compromise my morals, she can grow up or find someone less appreciative of her.