[ENFJ] ENFJ & INFP

[Jonathanthegreat]

be quiet and mysterious it will drive him CRAZY for you. Feed him information about your self one morsel at a time. Kinda like when you train a dog hahah

 

[Thessaly]

Do all ENFJs take forever to recuperate from past loves? I'm getting a little annoyed. We've been out several times and he hasn't even made a move on me. I feel like I am rebound chick, but instead of being used for sex I am a verbal distraction. What do you guys think? Am I being super impatient or insecure? He says he doesn't know how to go about letting down his ex, but to me that is still boyfriend mentality - being overly considerate of their feelings, despite your own well being - not ex-boyfriend mentality. And if they're your ex why do you need to tell them you're seeing someone new? I just don't understand this crap. What do you think ENFJs?

 

[Jonathanthegreat]

Do all ENFJs take forever to recuperate from past loves? I'm getting a little annoyed. We've been out several times and he hasn't even made a move on me. I feel like I am rebound chick, but instead of being used for sex I am a verbal distraction. What do you guys think? Am I being super impatient or insecure? He says he doesn't know how to go about letting down his ex, but to me that is still boyfriend mentality - being overly considerate of their feelings, despite your own well being - not ex-boyfriend mentality. And if they're your ex why do you need to tell them you're seeing someone new? I just don't understand this crap. What do you think ENFJs?

We take long to recuperate because we usually blame ourselves for it going wrong. GUARD YOUR HEART against this guy, don't get to emotionally involved with him too fast. You're just setting yourself up for heartache! Yes you are being a little impatient/insecure, but just take it slow. Super slow. REMEMBER MY WORDS TAKE IT SLOW!

 

[Thessaly]

ugh fine! I just wish he'd get a little more physical with me. Is it so wrong to want to kiss someone? We've hung out several times. I don't want to enter friend zone. I'm definitely asking him wtf his deal is next time we hang out and there is no touching. I am no one's platonic rebound damn it.

 

[Jonathanthegreat]

Patience young jedi. Patience. Take it slow. How it starts is how it will end. Fast paced and out of nowhere? That'll be the same way it ends. trust me


Drive Slow Homey.

 

[Domino]

ugh fine! I just wish he'd get a little more physical with me. Is it so wrong to want to kiss someone? We've hung out several times. I don't want to enter friend zone. I'm definitely asking him wtf his deal is next time we hang out and there is no touching. I am no one's platonic rebound damn it.

Lunge across the table and lay it on him!

No, no, I meant be patient....

 

[ENFJ_Catholic]

Do all ENFJs take forever to recuperate from past loves? I'm getting a little annoyed. We've been out several times and he hasn't even made a move on me. I feel like I am rebound chick, but instead of being used for sex I am a verbal distraction. What do you guys think? Am I being super impatient or insecure? He says he doesn't know how to go about letting down his ex, but to me that is still boyfriend mentality - being overly considerate of their feelings, despite your own well being - not ex-boyfriend mentality. And if they're your ex why do you need to tell them you're seeing someone new? I just don't understand this crap. What do you think ENFJs?

Yes, we take a long time to recuperate. We do have lingering vestiges of the past (the whole processing thing). We take a while to process things (and get weird about relating to the past).

That said, do take it slow. You like him...and he's somewhat into you. Give him the breadcrumbs and Hansel should follow you along.

Affirmation about where both of you (as two) is key to build up first. It's like a cold front...it must fall into place...otherwise you get those violent storms with clashing air masses. Now you don't want that, do you?

 

[jimboworld]

The pairing probably works if the INFP is submissive, not for me.

 

[JivinJeffJones]

Heh, seems like you aren't very comfortable being single, thessaly(?). You were in a relationship yourself not so long ago, right?

 

[Thessaly]

lol Hmm....well I'm not one to be in a relationship because I'm lonely. I'm not particularly thrilled when I am single, but I don't think it creates any major tension in my life. To be honest I am probably more comfortable on my own, but I am just so damn romantic and dreamy lol. It's an interesting dynamic I have going on. I don't like anything that threatens my independence and mysterious allure, but I have an incredible capacity to love and become wrapped up in making emotional connections.

I am not on the rebound or caught up on any of my exes. I am remarkably good at seeking closure and extinguishing feelings for exes when we part. Perhaps this is why I do not understand this ENFJ. What is the point in staying loyal to a clearly expired relationship when you have something new and exciting waiting for you? I thought you guys were all about self improvement and reaching your potentials; not this refusing to move on. *sighs*

 

[JivinJeffJones]

What is the point in staying loyal to a clearly expired relationship when you have something new and exciting waiting for you? I thought you guys were all about self improvement and reaching your potentials...not refusing to move on? *sighs*

I think it'd have to have been a pretty shallow emotional commitment for a J to be able to move on quickly and be excited about it. Not the sort of guy you'd be wanting to date, I suspect. Think of it a bit like a widower who has recently lost his wife. The commitment is over, there's absolutely nothing stopping him from moving on. But it takes a period of adjustment before he'd be able to start dating again without feeling like he was cheating on his wife. To say nothing of lingering grief. Obviously that's a bit of an extreme example, but the principle is similar.

Sorry, I haven't actually read all of the thread - it's pretty long. So I may be missing vital info.

Edit: I think trying to hurry him through the process he's undergoing is probably the easiest and quickest way to become The Rebound Girl. It's been fairly extensively argued already on this forum, but I personally don't believe guys have a "friend zone" for girls they find attractive. So that's not really something you need to worry about imo.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Sorry, I haven't actually read all of the thread - it's pretty long. So I may be missing vital info.

He initiated things with her. If he wasn't ready, then it's been unfair of him to pursue her (and use that infamous ENFJ charm to win her over ). Apparently, he was quite relentless at first. Now that she's developing an attachment, he's trying to back up. I think she has a right to be annoyed.

 

[JivinJeffJones]

He initiated things with her. If he wasn't ready, then it's been unfair of him to pursue her (and use that infamous ENFJ charm to win her over ). Apparently, he was quite relentless at first. Now that she's developing an attachment, he's trying to back up. I think she has a right to be annoyed.

Hmm well I guess that's a bit different then. I guess maybe he thought he could and found out he couldn't. Don't mind me - I'm too lazy to do the background reading tonight.

 

[ENFJ_Catholic]

FWIW, we do have "back-up" moments... it's not rational. Unfortunate really. We do want to jump. Give him a little more time.

 

[Thessaly]

He initiated things with her. If he wasn't ready, then it's been unfair of him to pursue her (and use that infamous ENFJ charm to win her over ). Apparently, he was quite relentless at first. Now that she's developing an attachment, he's trying to back up. I think she has a right to be annoyed.

Thank-you OrangeAppled. I thought I was beginning a really fun and exciting romantic adventure and now a 360 has been pulled and all that jumping around really meant he wanted to "take things slow" W.T.F.

Yeah, I'm annoyed. I'll see how things go when I see him next. He is a pretty amazing guy and that is the only reason I'm willing to go through this crap.

The INFP in me wants to nurse him back to health, but the INFP in me has already put enough energy into broken people and finds this situation unfair. Stop finding me broken people! It's too hard for me to fight my messiah complex!

 

[Domino]

lol Hmm....well I'm not one to be in a relationship because I'm lonely. I'm not particularly thrilled when I am single, but I don't think it creates any major tension in my life. To be honest I am probably more comfortable on my own, but I am just so damn romantic and dreamy lol. It's an interesting dynamic I have going on. I don't like anything that threatens my independence and mysterious allure, but I have an incredible capacity to love and become wrapped up in making emotional connections.

I am not on the rebound or caught up on any of my exes. I am remarkably good at seeking closure and extinguishing feelings for exes when we part. Perhaps this is why I do not understand this ENFJ. What is the point in staying loyal to a clearly expired relationship when you have something new and exciting waiting for you? I thought you guys were all about self improvement and reaching your potentials; not this refusing to move on. *sighs*

Self-improvement is a big driver, yes. I suppose the inability to move on is part of that action - we see something as a giant failure and spend ages trying to pick through the wreckage and make sense of it. Probably a compulsion that may never find it's way to the nearest exit.

I'm a little embarrassed to say that it took years for me to get over my eNTP and ISTP. I would sit around rationalizing what happened, trying to make it hurt less, trying to assign blame or praise to where it made the most "sense". I went out with another guy knowing deep down I was still hung up on the ISTP and it really took a toll on me. The more I was trying to put myself out there, thinking I was being stupid and needed to just "get over it", the more I resented anyone touching me, looking at me, being anywhere near me in a romantic manner because they weren't HIM. In fact, it was a long conversation I had with the eNTP that brought me around finally. I was able to move on from there, and had something amazing with the eNTP.

Granted, it took me a long to get over him, too.

He initiated things with her. If he wasn't ready, then it's been unfair of him to pursue her (and use that infamous ENFJ charm to win her over ). Apparently, he was quite relentless at first. Now that she's developing an attachment, he's trying to back up. I think she has a right to be annoyed.

Yeah. Not cool. He shouldn't be doing that.

 

[file cabinet]

i've been twisted with 3 or 4 enfj's so far. one of them cried after reading the enfj description since i guess the description highlighted some of characteristics of her that she felt made her an asshole (being 'manipulative' or whatever) and made her sort of rethink some things she had done in the months prior. i was a little unprepared by this kind of reaction but i told her i accepted for she was and not some type description.

feels pretty likely to me that i'll end up with an enfj but i tend not to always be where they're located

 

[Casssita]

I'm coming in pretty late, but I can't help but comment. I have been dating an ENFJ for over a year and a half, and I have to say, it really is a great match. Should we ever part, he's set the bar quite high for any future suitors.

Much of what has been said of ENFJs is true of my boyfriend-- immense generosity, the smothering thing (though for me, it was exactly what I needed at the time)the romantic gestures, as well as the "slow to open up" issue. He did open up, and has continued to do so, but in the early days when were getting to know each other, I found myself mulling over our conversations later that night, and realizing he'd divulged little bits here and there, but it was very difficult to get a competent picture. Now though, that's not really the case-- but perhaps that is because I've collected so many pieces of the puzzle over the time we've been together.

In regards to the romantic gestures, some have suggested that they seemed insincere, but in my case, that was never a problem. I'm not sure if its all ENFJs or just him, but he has an... adorably inept sort of way about him when he does, so the unpracticed air detracts from any suspicions of insincerity.

Thessaly-- in recent posts, you have been frustrated with him pulling back. I actually experienced this with my boyfriend. However, at the time, I mistakenly attributed it as him responding to my reservations, so I wasn't quite as aware and upset as you are now. Apparently, his last girlfriend had really hurt him, and when we met, he was NOT ready for a relationship. However, our mutual attraction must have been apparent even from the moon, and it came to the point where we either had to make it a Relationship, or part ways. Many times since, I've felt bad, wondering if I pushed him into it, and he has repeatedly told me that yes, somewhat, but he needed that push. Shortly after, we split for a time (as mentioned, I misinterpreted the reasons, but it recently came out it was out of fear) but we continued as friends, and the relationship easily came back together with little effort.

So, to sum up my convoluted story, perhaps continue as friends, and do the healing thing, and he will be more amenable to a relationship. Granted, as an INFP, I would say that, wouldn't I?


Also, someone asked whether INFPs and ENFJs tend to hurt each other often, because they are so thin skinned-- in my experience, no. The conciliatory nature (and the NF understanding of people) wins out. Anything that COULD possibly be hurtful, isn't, because it's either proceeded with a "I am saying this to be honest and help you, not to hurt" or followed with a sorry, if its not meant, and responded to with an "I trust you wouldn't hurt me" or an "I know you didn't mean that to be hurtful." I suppose a pair that wasn't as in tune with their intuitive side or more given to drama could plausibly have that problem.

And... I believe I've finished my novella...

 

[Domino]

Great post, and welcome to the board, Cassita!

 

[Thessaly]

Thanks Casssita. I've sort of lost the adrenaline now of a new relationship and am stepping back to let him do his thing now. If we keep seeing each other cool, if we remain friends cool. I think I've learned to just keep my wall up a bit longer with the seemingly more sincere. Basically I'm throwing myself pity parties all week long.