[NT] Do you have trouble making eye contact?

[Pseudo]

I do. I noticed the other night when I saw some friends I was meeting up with across the parking lot. I waved to them and then averted my eyes until we were close enough to speak. When I talk to people I'll either look up or look at my hands while I'm gesturing. When I listen I'll look down and lean in. When I do catch people's eye I feel like I'm being offensive. If I try to do It It feels like I'm intruding on them. Plus it's sort of difficult to look at both eyes. Really you have to look someone in one of their eyes.


Do you have the same experience or a different one?

How do you feel when someone doesn't make eye contact with you?

 

[Such Irony]

I do. I noticed the other night when I saw some friends I was meeting up with across the parking lot. I waved to them and then averted my eyes until we were close enough to speak. When I talk to people I'll either look up or look at my hands while I'm gesturing. When I listen I'll look down and lean in. When I do catch people's eye I feel like I'm being offensive. If I try to do It It feels like I'm intruding on them. Plus it's sort of difficult to look at both eyes. Really you have to look someone in one of their eyes.


Do you have the same experience or a different one?

Sort of the same experience.

I've never quite mastered the art of eye contact. I used to have more issues when I was younger. I feel like when I'm making eye contact, it's like I'm staring at them, which does seem intrusive so then I'll briefly look at the person and then the other says I wasn't making eye contact because you can look at someone but not exactly look into their eyes. I've never quite gotten down to what extent you look someone in the eye without them thinking that you're just staring at them.

How do you feel when someone doesn't make eye contact with you?

Oftentimes I don't even notice. I'd rather someone give me too little eye contact than too much. Too much feels intrusive, like they are staring right into my soul. Of course, I don't like zero eye contact either. Basically I just want it to the degree that I know the other person is paying attention when we are having conversation.

 

[Southern Kross]

Do you have the same experience or a different one?

I'm terrible with eye contact but for different reasons.

Partly it's due to awkwardness, partly it's due to distractability, but mostly, it's because I can't take in what is being said without looking away. I can't look someone in the eye and talk or listen to what they are saying - I just can't concentrate enough. Usually I try to rest my eyes on something mildly interesting but not too engrossing (like patterns on the wallpaper or the foliage of a tree) and it helps me to stay focussed and alert. My best explanation is that if I look at someone's face and expressions it is it takes up too much of my attention. I'm such a visual minded person and I need to keep my eyes busy but under control, in order to stop the visual information interrupting my thoughts or communication abilities. But who knows, it could just be a really bad habit.

It's so natural for me that I don't even realise I'm doing it, but the last few years I've become more self-conscious about it. I think people must feel that I'm a liar, that I'm not listening or that they can't form a connection with me. I'm sure it must seem incredibly weird though, but all I know is, I can't seem to stop myself. There are times when I have make a concerted effort to maintain eye contact and I tend to fail miserably. I can neither communicate properly or even keep it up for long - it's just so uncomfortable.

How do you feel when someone doesn't make eye contact with you?

I wouldn't notice most of the time.

What I do know is that other people look away for very specific and deliberate reasons, usually to conceal their feelings for one reason or another. It stands out a lot when people do it, so it can be quite jarring. The action itself doesn't bother me. I mean if they're lying and want to conceal it, that would bother me, but the looking away itself has no effect on me. I have a very strong grasp on people's character and motivations without needing to look at them constantly.

 

[Hildur]

I used to have a problem with eye contact, but then people would say I was always so distant and judged my lack of eye contact as a lack of interest of liking (which might have been true, but I prefered not to demonstrate it so clearly). So I tried harder. But usually I look away most of the time when I'm talking to someone - and watch them when they answer. If I do look at them while talking it feels as if I really want to hammer in my current words, and that feels - to me - rather aggressive. But if I'm keen on making a stable and assertive impression I make sure I really look them in the eye.

I also choose which eye to focus on, usually the left one (from my point of view). Some people shift between eyes back and forth, that's a bit annoying.

 

[INTP]

i feel like i have quite intense look in my eyes when making eye contact(one person has even mentioned it to me), not that its a bad thing, but i feel like im being bit invasive at times when making eye contact, so at times i try not to look into peoples eyes too much. its not that i avoid it(which i might had done in the past with some people), its just i try not to look too deep into peoples souls, as it might make some people uncomfortable. however i do know how to use this deep eye contact in my advantage and control what people see(consciously or unconsciously) in my eyes.

 

[Savitri]

The only time this happens is when I am attracted to someone. It's actually quite frustrating speaking to someone who can't make steady eye-contact for at least a sentence. If it's erratic enough I find it hard to focus on what I'm saying because I start trying to figure out why the person is so anxious. Sometimes if the person is also fidgeting I get the impression s/he isn't listening, which again would interrupt my thoughts because I have to ask if they're following what I'm saying.

 

[LEGERdeMAIN]

The only time this happens is when I am attracted to someone. It's actually quite frustrating speaking to someone who can't make steady eye-contact for at least a sentence. If it's erratic enough I find it hard to focus on what I'm saying because I start trying to figure out why the person is so anxious. Sometimes if the person is also fidgeting I get the impression s/he isn't listening, which again would interrupt my thoughts because I have to ask if they're following what I'm saying.

No reason to be anxious.

 

[Savitri]

No reason to be anxious.

I don't understand the point of your joke if your making one.

 

[DiscoBiscuit]

I have a hard time not making eye contact.

I have to consciously moderate it.

 

[Hildur]

... i feel like im being bit invasive at times when making eye contact ...

I feel that, too.

I also had the problem (when I was young and hot - we're talking university years, several decades ago) that when I kept too much eye contact while talking to some guy he would inevitably interpret this as a personal interest. Regardless of what we were talking about. To me the subject of the discussion would direct my level of eye contact - if I was discussing/explaining something important/interesting etc I would look more closely at the other person (=keep eye contact with) to see how much he understood along the way. But I think "eye contact=invasive" probably worked the other way around for these guys.... They were probably INTPs or some similar type... So this girl being "invasive" must mean this girl is incredibly interested...

[Ah, the mere mentioning of university years makes a sigh of nostalgia echo in my lonely chamber. I was studying math and this strange new thing called "computer science"... Very few women around...]

 

[the state i am in]

T doms can tend to look steely eyed. they generally have far less natural mirroring going on with body language, facial cues, etc and very flat affect as a result.

sp subtypes often tend to be more uncomfortable connecting. feel invaded or invasive more quickly.

i just think of it is a necessity at times so you can get the information you need, rather than jumping to conclusions. you also have to push your own self into the conversation too if you want to really relate, which requires visually communicating so that you can embody the message and its context. otherwise it's difficult to gauge the context of the relationship/interaction.

 

[WhoCares]

I always make eye contact, especially if someone is going for a powerplay. They want and need you to avert your eyes, so I don't. Most people find eye contact very intense which I use to my advantage since I don't find it uncomfortable at all. It scares people how long I can maintain eye contact sometimes.

 

[Evo]

I can be very bad at giving eye contact...example: with customers, especially complaints from a feeler...It's just too much emotion... I shut down and try to get them away as fast as possible ...pretty much any emotional interaction...it kind of sucks really, i don't know why I can't keep my gaze at those moments. Even when i'm angry, when other people are sad/crying, when i'm sad/crying, sex...i find it very akward to look at someone during sex unless their face is physically up close to my face...

and then there's the other side...I hate when i'm talking to people and they don't make eye contact with me. I assume they're not listening and get annoyed for wasting my energy on them. Usually i'm not exuding emotions though, so ironically because i'm not emotional they're think i'm boring ha ha . If they're talking to me in an unemotional way and not making eye contact, I don't know what they're thinking and I probably cannot hear them properly, they have to get my undivided attention by looking me in the eye, I might have hearing problems though lol ... ....its a very complicated hypocritical relationship I have with eye contact. lol.

 

[Mal12345]

Eye contact from others is interpreted different ways by different people. For some, eye contact means you are listening to them; for others, it's weird. I rarely bother making eye contact, but when I do, it means I want you to attend closely to some serious matter.

 

[Grublet]

I'm about 50/50 on eye contact.

 

[Lady_X]

I think I have pretty strong eye contact. I'm full on engaged and focused unless you're rambling about something for too long that I don't care about.

Which is totally rude.. I know... And I can play pretend for a min but not too long... I can't stop my thoughts or my eyes from wandering.

That doesn't happen too often tho.

 

[UniqueMixture]

I don't. When someone has trouble making eye contact with me I feel okay unless they look nefarious or something.

 

[cafe]

I usually do okay with it, I think. Unless there is something unusual somewhere else on the person's face. My youngest son's kindergarten teacher had a bump on her nose that I am sure I must have always stared out when I was talking to her and my older son had a science teacher in middle school with unusually crooked teeth. I think I stared at those when I was talking to him.

My husband, OTOH, does not do well with eye contact. I don't remember it ever being a thing with us. We were weirdly comfortable with each other from the time we met. But he generally looks awkwardly to the side when speaking with people. It's funny because he's comfortable and amazing at public speaking, while I am the opposite, but can talk to almost anyone one-on-one.

 

[cascadeco]

I can't make a whole lot of eye contact when I'm the one talking, because then I'll completely lose my train of thought. So when I'm talking, I'll periodically make eye contact and 'check in', but it's not constantly looking at the person while talking.

When listening, I make a lot of eye contact with the other person, though, because I want that person to know that I'm actually listening. But I think it would be distracting for THEM if I looked at them the entire time they were talking, so again, it's periodically making eye contact; looking down, then looking at their eyes, then down for a bit, then back at their eyes for a while, etc. I don't do the wandering eye thing, looking every which-way.

And that is because, I find that incredibly, incredibly distracting when other people do that to me when I'm talking. If they're watching people walk into the room, or looking to the left, then to the right, then down, then messing around with their shirt, I frankly don't think they're paying much attention, and their constant fidgeting makes me lose my train of thought.

I'm aware though that for some people actually ARE listening when they're looking every which-way... it's just not a good combo with me, because I then don't have much interest in continuing whatever I'm saying and/or like I said, completely get distracted and then lose what I was trying to say.

 

[LEGERdeMAIN]

I don't understand the point of your joke if your making one.

Two people, like intersecting lines, may meet for a short time and then move away from each other FOREVER, so any awkwardness or anxiety one feels should be crushed, like an Islamic uprising, to prevent it from dominating a little slice of your life. It wasn't directed at you and it wasn't a joke, calm down marm.