filling some space
- Sep 7, 2007
- MBTI Type
INTP LII-Ne 7w6 794 sp/so is what I think. Here's a questionnaire I answered, started on March 11th but the bulk of it was answered today!
If you guys disagree, then what do you think and why?
What do you study or do for a living? How did you come to do that? What do you like or dislike about it?
Though I'm only a 10th grade high school student at the moment, I am interested in studying computer science in university. I came to that conclusion mostly through process of elimination. Social jobs? Fuck no, my social skills are abysmal and pretending I'm not completely incompetent would be too stressful. Creative jobs? Nope! I can't do that every day, I'd get tired of it (I had better-phrased reasoning for this but I've since forgotten it.) What can I do consistently without getting tired? Huh, programming I guess although I haven't done it too much of it so that may not be certain.
I guess it's fun because I feel like I'm actually learning something useful that gives me a lot of flexibility, and because I like that dopamine burst when I solve something. I don't know what I dislike about it, maybe when I thought something would work but then finding out it didn't. Also, along with my reasoning above, I find the types of people to be interested in programming to be much more in sync with me than the average person. It's like I'm instinctively repulsed by people who aren't "like me."
Though with my current trajectory, I may just be a fucking NEET in the future. Can't be bothered to do shit I don't like, i.e most schoolwork. I don't know why other people feel stress/anxiety and I do not at all. Severe apathy moment.
What else do you do on a daily basis? What are your interests and hobbies? Why do you do them?
Suffer. No but seriously, most of what I do is read posts online. I don't truly enjoy anything so the next best thing to do is to kill time. Parents claim I'm addicted but even with using it less, I still feel the same emptiness/boredom/whatever. Sometimes talk to people online too. Feels like I don't care about them as much as I should. Interests include psychology, philosophy, programming, and language learning. Psychology is fun because I can use it to manipulate my foes into doing my evil bidding give further context and meaning to my cripplingly meaningless relations with other people. Philosophy is fun because I can argue with other people and feel like I have a more accurate worldview. Programming is fun because (see above.) Language learning is fun because it's a hierarchical type skill, I can build upon what I've learned.
What are your values, and why?
Integrity because I don't know. I feel compelled to tell the truth unless I have a good reason not to.
Describe your relationships with family and friends. What do you like and dislike about them?
I am an only child that lives with mother and father and has never had a friend in real life. Mother is 54, father is 67. I am more similar to father, I can tell he is introverted. Mother is hard to pinpoint. I wouldn't know exactly how to describe the relationships because I have an abysmal sense of knowing what other people think about me. Am mostly indifferent to mother and father, when I need to say something important I tell it to mother because father tends to not know how to deal with emotions.
Currently have 3 close friends online, although I can't talk to them too much recently because mother limited my access to my phone.
Friend 1 is kind, loyal, optimistic, and is interested in self-improvement. I like him because he asks me a lot of questions, my love language is like, gathering information on people if that makes sense. We're on really good terms, but there hasn't been any challenges or conflict at all now that I think about it. Wonder if that will be detrimental in the future, but I doubt it as I rarely have conflict with friends.
Friend 2 is... interesting. She's always been shy, introverted, neurotic, yeah but I have no idea what happened to her. Every friend she's ever had has eventually left her, except for me, and from my observations she can't accept herself as the issue and tends to blame them. Suspect she's a vulnerable narcissist or some shit. I tried to leave her once but an ex-friend convinced me to "give her another chance" and we're back here again. She hasn't done anything to piss me off since, so I guess I'm okay with still being her friend.
Friend 3 is apathetic, intelligent, reserved, not good with emotions. I tend to bounce ideas off of him (he doesn't share his ideas usually) with him saying stuff like "Hmm" or changing the topic. Sometimes I try to confront him with his issues on apathy and unhappiness but it never seems to go anywhere.
What do you look for in friends? In romantic relationships?
In many people I meet, I notice something that gives me a sense of repulsion, not because I think I'm better than them or anything, but because I feel as if we aren't going to be good friends. Maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy but I've never been close to someone that gave me this sense. So, the people that are left are those I befriend, although not everyone I want to befriend ends up becoming my friend. Some things that give me this feeling are when people use "..." too much, pushy people, people who are busy. Other things too that I can't quite pinpoint.
Sometimes I notice the opposite in a person and want to befriend them. I notice I can pick on people with autism/adhd or traits of them, and tend to really like them. Something about them being societal misfits, being highly emotional, thinking in creative ways is highly endearing to me.
What conflicts have you encountered recently with other people? Why did they happen? Which kinds seem to happen on a regular basis?
What are your strengths? What do people like about you? What do you like about yourself?
Strengths, hmm. I think I am quite rational and don't tend to freak out in situations where others might. I can be kinda funny with the right persons, people have told me that. Something else is that I'm loyal, but overall I feel as if I don't have many strengths or positive traits, Lol.
What are your weaknesses? What criticism do you often face from others? What do you dislike about yourself?
I am lazy. I am immature. I am lacking in self-awareness. I am creepy. I am socially inept. I am forgetful. I am uncaring. Believe I've been told these at least once for each. Used to beat myself up about these but I no longer care enough to think about it (most of the time.)
In what areas of life can you manage well on your own? In what areas of your life would you like help?
I am profoundly lazy and generally need help for most things because I repeat the same mistakes over and over again and never learn.
What things do you dislike doing? What things do you enjoy more than others?
I dislike doing things that are boring such as schoolwork or chores. Sometimes even the things I like more than other things become boring. For the things I "like" doing, see the "hobbies and interests" question.
What goals, aspirations, or plans do you have for the future, and why?
Have no aspirations besides education and career-wise things. See first question for that.
If you won the lottery and didn't have to work anymore, what would you do?
Save the money for later until I'm more mature to think about what to do with it.
What traits do you find endearing that others might dislike? What traits are considered positive/neutral by others but tend to annoy you?
This is a good question actually. I like clingy/desperate/socially inept guys because I find it cute and find that they have a much higher chance of not abandoning me. Sometimes guys that are considered annoying to others I find likable, not sure why. A trait that I dislike though is whatever the hell "being sassy" is.
What kinds of things do you do to manage and/or beautify your environment (your room, your house, etc.)?
I was instinctively going to answer "I don't care about home decor" but I realized I made my parents change my room cuz I didn't like how princessy it was lol. I guess I like things simple but not minimalistic-simple. My room right now has green and white walls, it's somewhat messy too.
How do you behave around strangers?
Generally ignore and dismiss them. If they have something that makes me want to talk to them, I quell the minor anxieties I have and go up to them. Online, I used to wait and lurk to see what the atmosphere was like but I stopped doing that, dunno why. Now I just jump right in.
How do you react to conflict? What do you do if somebody insults or attacks you?
I'm rarely in a situation with direct conflict, but I noticed I tend to be dismissive. If someone criticizes me I either just agree or tell them I don't care. If someone insults or attacks me I either find it funny or get slightly angry. Depends if it catches me by surprise, with surprises being more likely to anger me.
Would you ever be interested in starting a business? Why or why not? What role would you play in it? What kind of business would it be?
Probably not, I feel like I'm far too lazy and not really "up for the task." Like if I had to, I guess I'd go for a tech startup because those are the types I find interesting, but then again I know almost nothing about business.
How do you dress or manage your appearance?
Honestly I care so little that I still let my parents pick out my clothes most of the time. If I had to do it myself I'd probably just wear the same shit every day like a fucking cartoon character lol.
Do you like kids? Why or why not?
No not really, I don't see why I would.
In what situations or times in your life did you feel most fulfilled, and why?
Good question. I've never really felt that fulfilled in my life that I can remember but the closest thing to that was probably around when I was 10 and liked to do Minecraft roleplays with my online friends lol. I think it was because we had a lot of fun and it distracted me from the crippling meaningless of my life.
How do you feel about attention? Do you seek it out?
Irl, try to avoid it. If I can't avoid it, then enjoy it. The reason I avoid it is because I don't wanna launch myself into an inescapable situation where I'm approached by people and don't want to be. Not sure why I fear inescapable situations so much. Online I tend to seek it out sometimes but I try not to be too annoying.
How do you approach responsibility? What do you tend to expect of others?
I don't lol. I'm very irresponsible if you couldn't tell already. I don't think I expect anything from others, I can't actually think of any time where I've been disappointed in someone.
If you were to raise a child, what would be your main concerns, what approach would you take, and why?
Honestly I can't imagine ever raising a child so I have no idea what my state of mind would be if I had one. I'd prob end up unintentionally being emotional neglectful bcz I fucking suck at taking care of people's feelings.
Your friend bursts into tears. What do you do? How does it make you feel?
Speaking of sucking at taking care of people's feelings. I'd be like "oh god oh fuck" and just space out for a bit and be like "I h-hope you're okay." If there are other people around, I'd prob imply that they should go talk to my friend instead.
What is your biggest accomplishment?
God this sounds so dumb but it was probably this 10,000 word friend fanfic. It was kinda fun to read but poorly written and hard to follow. The basic gist is that one of my friends falls down a fucking hole and dies and we try to find her before a time traveller with a stupid name comes and saves her. I was 13 when I wrote it lol, a lot more shit happens with weird machines and yeah.
What was (or is) your high school experience like?
9th grade: got bad grades due to apathy. Had a friend group, guy came to my 15th birthday party but then we stopped talking. 10th was similar but it was all virtual school so little socializing. Somehow made a friend recently I think, he has shitty social skills so that's a good sign (for me) lol.
Ever feel stuck in a rut? If yes, describe the causes and your reaction to it.
I've been stuck in a rut for years and I have no idea why. My reaction to it is to try to distract myself from the crippling meaninglessness to no avail.
What is something you regret?
My relationship with regret is odd. I tend to feel this feeling of regret with many of the stupid shit I've said, but I don't think I regret anything major.
Who do you admire, and why?
I don't really admire anyone anymore. Like, I used to put some people on a pedestal because they seemed really amazing to me, but now I dunno. Like if I saw a celebrity I wouldn't just be like "ayy homie sup?" but I wouldn't admire them either.
What's been on your mind? Has anything been worrying or concerning you? What problems have you encountered lately?
Don't think so. I think I'm incapable of experiencing anxiety on a conscious level at this point. The closest thing to a worry was me thinking that eternal recurrence was a horrifying idea. Like it was all on a cerebral level, not on an emotional one.
What are your spiritual or religious beliefs and why do you hold them?
Agnostic although I've mostly ruled out the belief of any purely benevolent God(s). I hold this belief because I don't see any strong evidence to either side. Like I've seen many atheists say "I stopped believing in god cuz of (insert horrible thing here)" and I never understood that. Why would you go from believing in a god to saying he doesn't exist just because he did a bad? Wouldn't it make more sense to think he's not all good but still believe in him?
What are your political beliefs, and why? How much do you care about politics?
Apolitical because of some things I'd rather not mention just yet heh.
What kind of work environment do you prefer? What do you look for in a job?
N/A because I'm 16 lol.
What is or was your favorite school subject and why?
As a child I liked writing/reading because I could read fun stories and write fun stories. Now I like math because it's straightforward and logical.
What is one common misconception that people have about life? Explain why it is wrong.
Heh, I have something but not only do I not really want to share it, I haven't worked out all the counterarguments. Otherwise, I dunno, bit of an odd question.
Where did you go on your most recent vacation? What did you do there? How did you like it and why?
Skipped bcz I didn't want to go tbh lol
Talk about a significant event from your life.
Oh boy. My life has been crippingly meaningless and isolated, but something I do remember was the time I tried to murder a girl in 1st grade because she kept egging me on. Don't remember my emotional reaction to it, but I do remember crying hard as fuck when I got in trouble for it. I did it through slamming her into the wall and choking her in front of everyone. Believe I was also bored and frustrated with school at the time, I vaguely remember the term "breaking the last straw" being a theme at around this time. Overall it was too long ago to say much about it lol, I remember my parents would guilt trip me about it afterwards. Fun.
How do you see other people as a whole? What do you consider a prevalent social problem? Name one.
People as a whole are okay and varied. Dunno what prevalent social problems there are, my old go-to would have been "tribalism" - the idea that people see each other as "tribes" and hate people that are different from them but I dunno anymore.
What do you do if you're not getting what you want? What approach do you use?
Not sure. I'm often unaware of what I want.
Are you comfortable taking leadership roles? In what areas? Why or why not?
I'd rather not because I give off dislikable impressions to most people and am rather socially incompetent, but if the people are even worse than me somehow then sure, I'd take leadership role.
How often do you get angry? What kinds of things make you angry?
I rarely get angry on an emotional level but im often instinctively angry (not to be confused with cerebrally angry) when I'm bored. Act irritable and aggressive. When I'm emotionally angry I can just suck it up though. Odd.
What is one unusual trait or ability you possess? What makes you special?
As a young child, my party trick was to be able to have a genuine laugh without anything funny going on around me, but that ability seems to have left me. The thing that makes me special is how warped my emotions and worldview are due to having an incredibly strong internet fixation.
What is your sense of humor like? Do you joke around a lot?
My sense of humor seems to have taken a liking to "surreal ironic horror rage comics" that seem popular around r/true_reddit and /x/. Other things include absolutely infantile memes, and stuff that's hard to categorize. Yes, I joke around a lot. Quite fun.
What were you like as a child? How have you changed since then?
As a child, I was very hyperactive yet introverted and daydreamy. The poster child for ADHD despite not having ADHD lol. Was smart and shit, yeah. Always been socially inept. I've changed by being less openly hyper, but otherwise I haven't changed that much I would say.
What is the best thing that happened to you during the past week?
I have an abysmal memory but I don't think anything has affected me much this week lol.
What is the worst thing that happened to you during the past week?
See answer above.
What is the purpose of life? What do you find personally meaningful in life?
I don't think there's any objective purpose in life. I am extremely nihilistic and find almost nothing personally meaningful. I'm not even sure what I would consider meaningful, if anything.
What is the most interesting place you have been, and why?
Not attuned to my environment. Been to a few landmarks because of my parents' interests. Did not care.
Do you like surprises?
Indifferent. I quite like being caught off-guard because it rarely happens to me but that's not exactly the same thing as being surprised.
OMFG that is too much information. But yes. Fuck yes. I'm gonna read all that and reply with thought