[Other] Do you feel weird in conflict/standing up for yourself?

[Julius_Van_Der_Beak]

I used to be very averse to conflict, but I care less and less about it with time and practice.

For me, I can be conflict adverse. I think it's dependent on the environment and how comfortable I am in the environment.

 

[anticlimatic]

What's the difference between being detached and unemotional

I think detachment is kind of an inverted emotional response- like a tilt switch when it becomes too much, the equivalent of “flight” in a fight or flight situation on an emotional level. You need to stay in fight mode, but only with your witts, your knowledge, your empathy, and your principals. Emotions can obscure their effectiveness.

 

[I Tonya]

Whoa OnO that’s messed up!

Yeah, that was my mom. I made sure she's not in my life anymore.

 

[Mind Maverick]

Yeah, that was my mom. I made sure she's not in my life anymore.

I had to do the same with mine. If she's really toxic, don't let anyone feed you that, "but she's your mom still, you need her" horse shit. Tell them that some parents inflict more damage by being involved in your life than the severance of the relationship does. I'm sorry for whatever you've experienced.

 

[FemMecha]

I find it exhausting, and it's why I don't like being around people very much. My sense of boundaries is empathy based and not competition-based, so I'm out of step with most human interactions. I find that people are always pressing to get more and in every detail you have to constantly push back. I use avoidance the most, but can tell people 'no' when needed. I guess I mostly dislike the fact it is constantly required and that it takes my energy even when I am creating constant boundaries to keep people from taking too much.

I'm more used to empathy based interactions where people think from both perspectives and make estimates of what is fair for both, so that negotiation is about fine-tuning that awareness rather than a competition to see who can get the most out of an interaction.

 

[Virtual ghost]

The only thing I do is push a brake in order not to come as too bossy. I don't like too emotional exchanges since I see them as counter-productive, but I can debate people whole day and that is actually my default mode.

 

[anticlimatic]

I had to do the same with mine. If she's really toxic, don't let anyone feed you that, "but she's your mom still, you need her" horse shit. Tell them that some parents inflict more damage by being involved in your life than the severance of the relationship does. I'm sorry for whatever you've experienced.

I know a mom who had to cut her own daughter loose for the same reason. The father figure died young and the daughter ended up becoming a sociopath. 10 or so 'last chances' after being used, manipulated, and otherwise taken advantage of before she finally faced reality and cut her loose for good (or at least for now).

 

[Lark]

A lot of posters on this forum are all about the conflict.

 

[notmyapples]

Yeah, that was my mom. I made sure she's not in my life anymore.

I cut contact with mine years ago and the way my self-confidence shot up was staggering. You don't know how much someone is affecting you until they're not doing it anymore.

 

[Coriolis]

A lot of posters on this forum are all about the conflict.

I have noticed. Some of them will even try to pick fights with people who are agreeing with them.

 

[Mind Maverick]

I know a mom who had to cut her own daughter loose for the same reason. The father figure died young and the daughter ended up becoming a sociopath. 10 or so 'last chances' after being used, manipulated, and otherwise taken advantage of before she finally faced reality and cut her loose for good (or at least for now).

Wow, that's really sad. Sometimes that's just doing what you have to do though. I'm not in contact with several family members because of abuse or other reasons. The past is the past, I'm doing much better now that I am away from them all and on my own. Some get a life rich with family, others get a life rich with freedom for the opportunity to...idk, maybe travel? A lot of people would love to but can't because they have families. It's all a matter of perspective. You get what you're given in life, may as well do something positive with what you've got. Can't change it, may as well find a way to enjoy it. There's no sense in being miserable about it. [MENTION=37663]I, Tonya[/MENTION]

 

[I Tonya]

Wow, that's really sad. Sometimes that's just doing what you have to do though. I'm not in contact with several family members because of abuse or other reasons. The past is the past, I'm doing much better now that I am away from them all and on my own. Some get a life rich with family, others get a life rich with freedom for the opportunity to...idk, maybe travel? A lot of people would love to but can't because they have families. It's all a matter of perspective. You get what you're given in life, may as well do something positive with what you've got. Can't change it, may as well find a way to enjoy it. There's no sense in being miserable about it. [MENTION=37663]I, Tonya[/MENTION]

Hm, yeah. I understand kids can become spawns from hell as [MENTION=20035]anticlimatic[/MENTION] was saying. They develop into their own being whether good or bad to a point where it's not really the parent "influence" including the good and bad. When you grow up, you either get along with your parents or you don't- hasn't much to do with rebellion or being difficult, just purely different.

That being said, I find it very unsettling when there's this unsaid rule of young adults expected to always love, respect, and obey their parents.

I believe in balance. There are parents who are not living up to their role of being a parent, in fact they know they're flawed; never the less they demand their kids to live up to a role of being their son or daughter.

As for what hexcoder is saying, being alone has a lot of advantages, especially positive ones when you finally leave the negativity family brings on you. Its sickening to know they even if you needed your family to be there for you, whether it be financially or emotionally.... they know this too well and use it as a way to manipulate. They will hold back even after you've given all yourself to them. R.I.P.

 

[VILLANELLE]

Enneagram: E9
Big 5: Low Assertiveness (an Extroversion Facet), High Agreeableness (especially its Cooperation Facet)

You're probably just afraid of it causing friction between you and the other person.

I can see that.

 

[Firebird 8118]

I feel... guilty, standing up for myself...

[974 here]

 

[Sacrophagus]

I feel in control.

 

[Mind Maverick]

I don't know, with me. I'm a bit of both. I feel in control of how I am. I think I'm somewhat passive and avoidant sometimes, though I will try to reason with people and speak my mind, partly to avoid the toxic accumulation that leads to explosion...but once a certain line is crossed the inner demon in me wants to come out...and I use the word wants to for a reason. I've been that way since I was little, even as a toddler. At a certain point I just stand my ground and don't back down. I conquer, win, get it over with, in defense of myself or someone being bullied or something. I can choose to never do this also if I believe it's for the better.

It all comes down to core beliefs.

 

[The Cat]

Omg yes! So much. I don't understand it. Its maddening.

 

[batteries included]

Yeah, I do feel a bit strange when engaging in conflict. Kinda sucks actually. But that doesn't mean I don't perpetuate it subconsciously...