Highlander - Yes! You get it! I'm not going to unload emotionally on someone just because I have taken offense, and I will look for ways to that explain their behaviour in a more favourable light. However, it doesn't mean that it doesn't bother me.
You know how it is not immediately obvious to Fe users why saying that someone's feelings aren't reasonable is felt as attacking them at their core? Well, in this particular case, I feel that I've gone to great measures to NOT dismiss Fi users' viewpoints as being invalid. I've worked like crazy on this in a number of threads, purposefully gone through conflict (which I dislike) so that I could find out where our communication styles or interpretations diverge, asked many questions (which to me is a sign that I respect the other person enough to try to understand them), and not stated my thoughts in the language that would initially be my first impulse to.
O's responses felt to me that she did not take into account the fact that Fe users are all separate individuals, whith different function orders, different experiences, and different levels of interest in bridging that gap. I believe understanding functions explains people's instinctive impulses, but does not conclusively define them. I see Fi users time and time again insisting that Fe users force them into an unfair one size fits all mold when I feel that that's what is being done right back. When I did express as politely, but directly as I could what kind of response that invokes in me (thus seeking further information or perspective rather than jumping to the conclusion that Fi users are selfish or hypocritical), it was mostly glossed over and attention turned back to how Fe users attack Orobas as well as that even though some progress has been made in these threads, it should not take as long as it has.
I do understand that I need to pay more attention to the feelings behind those words rather than the words themselves. On the other hand, I find it very hard to continue on with discussion if I believe there's been a huge error made and also if I feel that my efforts are trivialized. Maybe it's because a core value of Fe is trying to accommodate and understand. If I feel like I've worked hard to do both and someone basically walks in and says that my efforts don't count for anything, it is going to make me feel like no longer bothering to try or that the other person expects understanding without giving either the information or reciprocation for that to happen. It kind of feels like the person is telling me that something which is a significant part of my identity is something that I am terrible at, and not offering any constructive information beyond that.
I think from a Fi perspective, it is just that the person is saying how their own experience feels to them. From my perspective it does feel like a negative judgement and not recognizing how out of their way people already are going to try to better understand. I've also noticed in the past that when I bring up issues to Fi users of what really is bothering me, they tend to gloss over them because they are looking at the reason for communicating it as being the same as their own reason would be. In this case, I only bring something up if I need more information or if I feel like there is a roadblock in our communication that needs to be addressed before we can continue on effectively.
You have no idea, highlander, how something as simple as recognizing the fact that a roadblock has been hit (at least from the other person's perspective) and validating that by asking about it dissipates a lot of the frustration or emotion that would otherwise be directed at you.
You said highlander that it is not as immediately obvious to you as to why something is a problem for us and then it is like stepping on landmines. I found that interesting with the INFJ Common Issues thread. INFJs were getting increasing frustrated, blunt and direct with an ENFP who in return felt hurt and attacked but wouldn't back off with Te suggestions that had not been invited in the first place and she kept making assertions about INFJs that seemed inaccurate and were lacking key pieces of information. To the INFJs, it seems painfully obvious what was wrong, in fact we thought we had stated and re-stated what was the issue. Someone else later on in the thread said something to her that was stated just slightly differently and all of the sudden, things seemed to come into focus for her. I am interested in investigating further what a few tweaks in language for either side would do in more effectively conveying in effectively translated language where problems are before they become big issues.