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Change in Attachment Style

ygolo

My termites win
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I want to have a secure personality. How can I make that happen?

http://www.psychalive.org/what-is-your-attachment-style/

Adult Attachment Styles

Secure Personality:

People who formed secure attachments in childhood have secure attachment patterns in adulthood. They have a strong sense of themselves and they desire close associations with others. They basically have a positive view of themselves, their partners and their relationships. Their lives are balanced: they are both secure in their independence and in their close relationships.

Dismissive Personality:

Those who had avoidant attachments in childhood most likely have dismissive attachment patterns as adults. These people tend to be loners; they regard relationships and emotions as being relatively unimportant. They are cerebral and suppress their feelings. Their typical response to conflict and stressful situations is to avoid them by distancing themselves. These people’s lives are not balanced: they are inward and isolated, and emotionally removed from themselves and others.

Preoccupied Personality:

Children who have an ambivalent/anxious attachment often grow up to have preoccupied attachment patterns. As adults, they are self-critical and insecure. They seek approval and reassurance from others, yet this never relieves their self-doubt. In their relationships, deep-seated feelings that they are going to be rejected make them worried and not trusting. This drives them to act clingy and overly dependent with their partner. These people’s lives are not balanced: their insecurity leaves them turned against themselves and emotionally desperate in their relationships.

Fearful-Avoidant Personality:

People who grew up with disorganized attachments often develop fearful-avoidant patterns of attachment. Since, as children, they detached from their feelings during times of trauma, as adults, they continue to be somewhat detached from themselves. They desire relationships and are comfortable in them until they develop emotionally close. At this point, the feelings that were repressed in childhood begin to resurface and, with no awareness of them being from the past, they are experienced in the present. The person is no longer in life today but rather, is suddenly re-living an old trauma. These people’s lives are not balanced: they do not have a coherent sense of themselves nor do they have a clear connection with others.
 

five sounds

MyPeeSmellsLikeCoffee247
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very interesting. i think i was a combination of secure and ambivalent/anxious. i definitely have to fight against the tendencies of a preoccupied adult attachment in my relationships. i do this by focusing on the security, and by trying to recognize and rationalize my way out of preoccupied thoughts and behaviors.
 

ygolo

My termites win
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very interesting. i think i was a combination of secure and ambivalent/anxious. i definitely have to fight against the tendencies of a preoccupied adult attachment in my relationships. i do this by focusing on the security, and by trying to recognize and rationalize my way out of preoccupied thoughts and behaviors.

When you focus on security, what do you focus on in particular? Fond memories, a place of respite, a meditative state, ...?

What arguments allow you to rationalize yourself out of your preoccupied thoughts?
 

Julius_Van_Der_Beak

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Ditto. I got the stupid Gollum one at the bottom. I think you just have to find things, behaviors and thought patterns that make you happy that are under your control. Nobody is going to come along and cure you of it.

Cue Mole post about the need for Freudian psychoanalysis.
 

Eilonwy

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According to the article, I should fit under dismissive personality, but I think I might be more of a combo of dismissive and preoccupied. I've been doing a lot of self-examination here and that, as well as working on my problem areas throughout my life, has helped a lot. I've found that the way I've been dealing with my emotions has probably been adding to my problems instead of helping them, so I'm trying some new techniques.

Keep challenging yourself.
 

Julius_Van_Der_Beak

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According to the article, I should fit under dismissive personality, but I think I might be more of a combo of dismissive and preoccupied.


Isn't that just "fearful-anxious" ?
 

Eilonwy

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Isn't that just "fearful-anxious" ?

Not sure. Oh. I just went back to the article and saw that there's a quiz. I'll take it and see what comes up.

ETA: Came up with preoccupied.
 

five sounds

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Thanks [MENTION=8244]Eilonwy[/MENTION], I looked for a quiz last time an didn't see it.

I scored in the secure range but a little close to center toward anxious. I'm sure my levels have varied at different times in my life.
[MENTION=825]ygolo[/MENTION], Will be back to respond to your question :)
 

five sounds

MyPeeSmellsLikeCoffee247
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When you focus on security, what do you focus on in particular? Fond memories, a place of respite, a meditative state, ...?

What arguments allow you to rationalize yourself out of your preoccupied thoughts?

i focus on the times i've felt accepted for/acceptant of my whole self. the things about myself that are good, and all of the reasons i've felt secure about myself in the past. also i sometimes look at the negative parts of me as flip sides of a coin whose other side is a quality about myself i like very much. (i'm open minded and spontaneous - which i like, so i'm a little scattered sometimes - which can make me feel bad about myself.)

i deep down believe that the secure way is the most accurate, least distorted by fears state of mind. so if i recognize a thought as coming from a place of fear and insecurity, i identify it as that, and it's easier for me to dismiss it and tell myself that it's irrational.
 

EJCC

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Bumping this very interesting thread.

My attachment style is dismissive-avoidant - I know that I have it, I'm starting to learn why I have it, and I have spent the past 10 years or so trying to learn how to have close relationships without getting itchy, or bailing out of nowhere, or feeling like people "failed a test" when they say the wrong thing. My relationships are much less dramatic/codependent now, but I still feel threatened by closeness unless it meets certain criteria.
 

Falcarius

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Falcarius is a mixture of Secure and Dismissive Personalities, as he has a dismissive shadow when he is annoyed with the world.
 

fatgurl

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I'm fearful-avoidant. It's very stressful. Every time I get close to someone I start to feel emotionally restless like I need to get away from them and the relationship, even though I don't want to. But then when the person isn't there anymore, I want to be close again.

I've noticed some progress in myself though. I have more secure behaviors now even though I'm still not securely attached. It just takes time and learning how securely attached people behave. Also, digging deep into yourself to find the root of your attachment styles.
 

ceecee

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I would say Dismissive, which I was for much of my life and there will always be at least some of that in me. I developed a more Secure attachment style due to several factors. One was simply maturing. Another was a more secure lifestyle with a partner that had also developed a more Secure attachment although he probably has elements of Preoccupied attachment to some degree. In the end, I think recognizing your own attachment and being honest about what you can and can't change is going to be most beneficial.
 

silverknightgothic

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I used to be a hardcore dismissive avoidant for the first twenty-three years of my life.

I've shifted into swinging between preoccupied and fearful-avoidant, though in my relationship I tend more towards preoccupied. There's nothing really that can be done to help me feel secure even in a healthy relationship.
 

Alice Unchained

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"They have a strong sense of themselves..." - it has always puzzled me that this is considered healthy. I have witnessed people with "strong sense of self" crumble in catastrophic situations because they never realized that this could happen to them. It is another way of saying that the person hasn't experienced any significant stress in their life, almost as if they lived in a bubble.

My attachment style depends on the interaction itself - if I connect with the other person, I have no problem with insecurity. If they are making me feel anxious and uneasy, I always turn out to be objectively right, so I don't think I need to change anything about myself in this aspect. It is a matter of standards.
 

EJCC

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"They have a strong sense of themselves..." - it has always puzzled me that this is considered healthy. I have witnessed people with "strong sense of self" crumble in catastrophic situations because they never realized that this could happen to them. It is another way of saying that the person hasn't experienced any significant stress in their life, almost as if they lived in a bubble.
Insert famous quote here about strength necessarily involving flexibility or else it isn’t strong at all. A strong sense of self isn’t the same as a rigid one.
 

Frosty

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I think I am probably fearful avoidant.
 

Alice Unchained

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Insert famous quote here about strength necessarily involving flexibility or else it isn’t strong at all. A strong sense of self isn’t the same as a rigid one.
What does "strong sense of self" mean to you?

I seem to have a problem with the definition. To me a person with a strong sense of self would much rather avoid close associations with others. People seek each others company not out of independence but to feel secure, to decrease anxiety of being oneself, of fighting personal battles.
 

EJCC

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What does "strong sense of self" mean to you?

I seem to have a problem with the definition. To me a person with a strong sense of self would much rather avoid close associations with others. People seek each others company not out of independence but to feel secure, to decrease anxiety of being oneself, of fighting personal battles.
To me, having a strong sense of self means knowing who you are and knowing where the line is between yourself and others - not losing yourself in connection with someone else, or basing your identity on an incorrect impression of yourself. I think most people are both good and bad at this in their own way.
 
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