blargy

[scantilyclad]

I wish i could sleep.
That would mean clearing my mind
and that doesn't seem possible.
I feel like my thoughts are stacked up on a desk like papers that need to be filed. I can see inside my head, and it looks just like that.

I've had random suicidal thoughts lately. I'm not quite sure where they are coming from, but i feel worthless, and ugly and foolish and ashamed. Mostly ashamed that I feel this way, and i can't talk to anyone about it without sounding insane. I always sound so emo. I want to write my thoughts less ambiguously, but i can't decipher them.

I did too much today and ate too much as well. It rained and it was nice, although my pants got soaked while walking around campus to find my classes. I also left my cell phone somewhere. I'm glad. I'm so tired of people calling me to engage in small talk. I was near throwing it in a puddle anyway.

Bleh tomorrow i'm making an appointment at the mental health clinic. I feel despair may ravage me otherwise or perhaps some sleep is really all i need.

 

[WobblyStilettos]

I'm sorry to hear that things are tough for you at the moment, you seem like an incredibly strong person so I'm sure you'll get through this, but I know that doesn't make it any easier right now I'll be praying for you, if it helps good luck getting some sleep!

 

[proteanmix]

Scanty, have you read any information on post-partum depression?

Source 1
Source 2
Source 3

Of course I'm no mental health care professional but if your feelings of depression and despair began or intensified after giving birth, it certainly doesn't hurt to check this out.

I think you're doing the right thing and going to seek help. Hopefully you'll connect with people that can help you through this.

I don't know why I tend to dump stuff like this on other people's blogs and not my own, but when I'm being completely honest with myself about how I feel I believe I'm clinically depressed. My doctor gave me Lexapro earlier this year and I just refuse to fill the prescription because I feel like filling it will confirm that I'm depressed or something.

I don't know how long I've been depressed, but I know I've always been very self-conscious about my looks since high school. I was never teased or bullied or anything but I've always gone 150% overboard trying to look as nice as I can on the outside. I've got so many products at home, makeup, clothes, shoes, just a bunch of stuff that is just meaningless junk that I figure will help me look better. I know this sounds horribly superficial, but this is what I believe.

It's not that I have generally have low self esteem about myself, I feel confident in my ability to learn and excel, my intelligence, you know all those real things that matter that you're supposed to value. But I rarely feel like my outside matches my inside. I'm also cynical enough to believe that no one looks at those regular packages which may have some awesome stuff inside unless you wrap it in pretty and eye-catching paper. So I spend tons of money and time and mental energy trying to make my wrapper look appealing so someone will want to know what's inside.

It's really hard to describe how much my self-esteem/confidence has plummeted since I left college and gained so much weight. I think I've put on about 65 pounds or so. It feels like nothing I'm doing is budging my weight at all. I may lose 5 pounds in two weeks and it comes right back two weeks later.

I doubt anybody I know would believe how terrible I feel sometimes (well most of the time). I try to be very together and strong because I don't want to be like the people I see walking around depressed and pitiful looking because I don't view myself like that. And I'm so hyperaware of images and personas and what type of person I want to convey myself as that somebody could stab a fork in my hand and I'd probably continue to smile as if nothing happened. I only admit how bad I feel about myself when I'm laying in the bed at night. I'm holding back tears every time I get on the subway to go to work because that's how much I hate my job. Sometimes I wish I could just quit and deal with the fallout later, but I know not having any money to support myself will actually make me feel worse than actually dragging myself into work. I'll catch myself walking with my head down because I don't want to make eye contact with people. This isn't me! I don't act like that! I either avidly avoiding mirrors or just staring at myself trying to force myself to get disgusted enough to finally get so sick and tired that I'll do anything to get back into shape. I just generally feel like a sloppy joe or some goopy and lumpy mashed potatoes.

I don't comment much on your blog but I really appreciate you telling your struggles and putting your feelings out there like that. I'm sorry to be so negative, but hopefully by me sharing my feelings you won't feel like you're experiencing this stuff alone. For me, it's very few things worse than feeling isolated and like I'm going through something alone and that no one understands or can relate to me.

 

[heart]

Mostly ashamed that I feel this way, and i can't talk to anyone about it without sounding insane.

Don't be ashamed. Lack of sleep makes everything seem worse than it is to me. When I start getting depressed it is a sure sign that I am not getting enough sleep and when my brain is tired I cannot process my feelings well and they get all backed up.

Take life day by day when you feel like this is my advice for short term coping. I think it is a great idea to go and talk to someone like you are too.

It doesn't seem coincidental that this comes after the birth of your baby, maybe it's a complicated mix of biological imbalances and real life stress. You want so much to do the best for Brady so this could also be a real source of worry and stress for you because of the roadblocks that life puts out there.

Then stress makes it hard to sleep and lack of sleep makes stress worse. Stress causes the body to lose vitamins in urine and then the body may get restless and be unable to relax at night and on and on in vicious circles. Complex cycles of stress and the body under stress.

 

[disregard]

Scantily, I am telling you, Osho's books will help you. He is an INFP.

 

[scantilyclad]

@protean

I've been treated for depression in the past. It was much worse in my teenage years, and i was on Paxil up until i found out i was pregnant with Brady. After i had Brady i did immediately started feeling depressed again, but it didn't seem as bad as it was before i was pregnant, so i didn't really consider it to be Post Partum, since i've been depressed most of my life. I know exactly how you feel. I've gotten really good at hiding the fact that something is wrong, but i'm always dying on the inside, and hating myself, and tearing myself apart, and it always feels good to vent about it somewhere, even if it isn't to anyone in particular.

I've always had weight problems, and i think that some of that might also contribute to my depression as well, because i just can't like myself. I look at myself and tell me how ugly/fat i am. I pinch at my skin and wish it would just disappear, and then i go and eat a few cheeseburgers to make me feel better. My life just doesn't make sense to me anymore. I feel like a hypocrite. I'm constantly expecting other people to live up to my expectations and i can't even live up to my own. I appreciate you sharing some of your story with me.


@everyone else, thank you for your comments. I feel so silly when i go back and read this stuff the next day. I always sound so desperate. I appreciate the love.

 

[Jeffster]

scanty, I can say with 100 percent sincerity and newfound accuracy (since I've seen you in person now ) that you are not ugly in any way, but in fact very beautiful and an obviously caring mom. Cheeseburgers are good. But they're much better when they're enjoyed for what they are and not as therapy for feeling what isn't true. Feel free to print out this comment and post it wherever you need it to remind you of these facts.

 

[heart]

I look at myself and tell me how ugly/fat i am.

You're not only still beautiful on the outside, you're beautiful on the inside. You're inner critic is just eating at you because you're stressed right now.

 

[Tallulah]

Feeling ugly on the outside is actually a symptom of depression. You're definitely not ugly--in fact, you're very cute!--and I can second that IRL! I've been depressed for a very long stretch (4 years), and it comes in waves, I guess, but sometimes it's harder to deal with than others. It helps to have people around that can see you both more objectively and more lovingly than you see yourself. At my lowest points, that's something I need lots of.

If you can find your cell phone ;-), you can call me anytime you want. I have definitely been there, and I can be a good sounding board/perspective-giver.

 

[Tigerlily]

I feel like crap a lot of the time as well so you're not alone. It's always surprises me just how many people feel the way we do but never say anything. Reminds me of this (don't laugh) episode of Desperate Housewives. Okay now I'm .

It's also discouraging when you put on weight while pregnant and can't get it off. Ree is three and a half and I am still struggling to lose weight. So see you're not the only one, there are millions of us frustrated moms out there.

You're also young and looking at what direction your life is taking and that by itself can be upsetting so throw in a child and you've got a lot of things to think about which can weigh you down. The good news is that you are in control of your life even if it feels as though everything is falling apart. Things will get better because they have to and Brady needs you to be happy so he can be happy and you can do this.

Hang in there and we're here if you need us.

 

[Chimerical]

shit. Don't die, you're too amusing to die. Joking! I don't think you'll actually do it because they're just random thoughts that're popping up [at random].

If you need someone to talk to I'm always willing to listen. But don't ever let yourself be convinced that you're worthless. Or that you're ugly. Just as everyone else is, you're special and of value. hmm....

I wasn't joking about the amusing part btw.