Bioclock

[Amargith]

By now most of you know I have no children and am not planning on any. I've always felt that I have no affinity with children, and that it would rob me of my freedom. And I still feel that way....most of the time.

Ever since I turned 27 I've been having flashes...where I'm more able to appreciate the joy children seem to exude. Where I feel more like taking care of them. Where I'm no longer annoyed or panicky when someone asks me to watch their child or when a child asks me for my help or talks to me. In fact, I find myself endeared.

Lately, two women my age in my social circle have gotten pregnant. And although I find myself shaking my head when talking to them about it (thinking about all the mess they're getting themselves into).But when I hang up the phone, or go home later on, I find myself contemplating the idea of having a child of my own and smiling at it. And they're getting more elaborate, and longer, those flashes of endearment.

Plz tell me this is normal and nothing to worry about

 

[Sniffles]

Plz tell me this is normal and nothing to worry about

It seems you maybe looking for a false sense of reassurance. If it's normal(because I'm male I'll refrain from commenting too much on that), that doesn't necessarily mean it's nothing to worry about.

Why exactly don't you want children?

 

[Amargith]

Too many reasons to name

The biggest ones being that I don't really feel that my lifestyle, which I love, is suitable for a kid, and I aint willing to sacrifice it, plus that I don't really feel affinity with kids.

 

[Sniffles]

Too many reasons to name

The biggest ones being that I don't really feel that my lifestyle, which I love, is suitable for a kid, and I aint willing to sacrifice it, plus that I don't really feel affinity with kids.

Why do you think that maybe so? I know I have a love-hate relationship with kids. On many levels they annoy me like hell, but at other times I seem to get along so well with them. Seems animals and kids seem to really take to me. Plus my serious and deeply contemplative nature often seems at odds with having children too.

 

[Sniffles]

Allow me to add that the choice whether to have children certainly has long-term significance - so don't base your decision upon short-term(or rather short-sighted) reasons.

 

[Usehername]

By now most of you know I have no children and am not planning on any. I've always felt that I have no affinity with children, and that it would rob me of my freedom. And I still feel that way....most of the time.

Ever since I turned 27 I've been having flashes...where I'm more able to appreciate the joy children seem to exude. Where I feel more like taking care of them. Where I'm no longer annoyed or panicky when someone asks me to watch their child or when a child asks me for my help or talks to me. In fact, I find myself endeared.

Lately, two women my age in my social circle have gotten pregnant. And although I find myself shaking my head when talking to them about it (thinking about all the mess they're getting themselves into).But when I hang up the phone, or go home later on, I find myself contemplating the idea of having a child of my own and smiling at it. And they're getting more elaborate, and longer, those flashes of endearment.

Plz tell me this is normal and nothing to worry about

Speaking as someone who does not have kids/even a relationship, I'm pretty sure that I'd be creeped out by someone who was all butterflies and rainbows with the idea of having kids (unless they were pregnant and logically their body is drugging them with bias).

Of course kids are an impediment to all sorts of goals, you're seeing that clearly. They take away precious things like pure freedom and the ability to be spontaneous and the ability to prioritize oneself first all the time. (Or, as an Ni user, the thing that bothers me the most is the amount of times that kids draw you away from Niing.) They drain your resources financially, energy-wise, they test your patience, they act like kids huh all the time, etc. Anyone thinking kids are all sunshine and rainbows has it wrong.

Kids totally and completely realign your priorities, they turn your life upside down.

But if you ask a lot of parents, they would argue that the pros outweigh the cons and ultimately they wouldn't have it any other way. The way I see it as an outsider, kids make the highs higher and the lows lower. That seems like a way more meaningful ride of life than to always keep oneself the highest priority.

Also, parents generally have way more adoration and energy and desire to give to their own kids than kids at large--it's not like you wouldn't fall deeply in love with your own kid.

To me it just seems like an adventure I wouldn't want to miss out on, and that the sacrifices are ultimately worth the higher highs that can come out of having your life turned upside down by a kid.

 

[ceecee]

Too many reasons to name

The biggest ones being that I don't really feel that my lifestyle, which I love, is suitable for a kid, and I aint willing to sacrifice it, plus that I don't really feel affinity with kids.

I probably wouldn't then. Yes it's a normal feeling but if you have kids and don't want to change your lifestyle, that's a problem because you'll have to. Resenting them is what will end up happening and that's bad for everyone.

 

[runvardh]

Yeah, if you're going to regret the change in lifestyle don't bother. Take it from someone who had a mother who refused to change her lifestyle and forced her kids to deal with it.

Edit: Sometimes I'm wondering if she wants a fucking medal from me for not having an abortion.

 

[Stanton Moore]

You have time to figure this out.

Are you in a committed relationship?

 

[Amargith]

yes, for the 10 years now. And he knows I don't want children. In fact, this is kinda making him wonder about me too, as he considers the plan still to be childfree

 

[Fluffywolf]

You have the possibility to make children and you're deliberatly ignoring it. Obviously, it is going to raise a few questions in your head every now and then. Especially to an N.

What would it be like?
Am I missing out?
Will I regret this descision?
Should I really pass on this oppertunity?
Oh well, I love my life so I best not think about it too much.

But trust me, that suppose you decide to have children for those reason, in a few years you'll be:

What would it be like if I had no children?
Did I deprave myself of an oppertunity and lifestyle?
Should I regret having children?
Should I have passed up on the oppertunity?
Oh well, I love the buggers, so I best not think about it too much.


Choice is yours, your life is your life, reason to regret is non existant. Choose your path and accept it.

 

[Virtual ghost]

Say to me what you want but I think you are resisting something that is pretty much inevitable. (just a thought)

 

[WoodsWoman]

Do you feel this way only when you are around those pregnant friends? If so make it a point to hang out with parents of teenager - it'll cure you. *grin*

Also consider that you have a strong 10 year relationship - a kid would change that dramatically - not necessarily to make it worse, but very very different. My late husband and I would catch each others eye and say, "Thank God we don't have any..."

No, I don't have any kids, and I never had the itch. So take it for what it's worth.

 

[FemMecha]

Ever since I turned 27 I've been having flashes...where I'm more able to appreciate the joy children seem to exude. Where I feel more like taking care of them. Where I'm no longer annoyed or panicky when someone asks me to watch their child or when a child asks me for my help or talks to me. In fact, I find myself endeared.

You're only 27? Age is not an issue for you yet as far as I've ever known or heard. Once you pass 40 then statistically the chances of getting pregnant or dealing with physical problems increase. I wasn't even married until 28 and every doctor I ever went to basically said I had ten years of good opportunity to have a child.

I'm 39 and have not yet had children, but did try from time to time. I really love children and do have some sense of loss, but I work with children and put a lot of energy into that, so that can be fulfilling in place of having one's own children. At this point I might not have the energy to be a mom full-time. If you don't end up having children, but the desire increases as your physical ability to get pregnant decreases, it is a useful solution to work with kids every day as part of your job.

 

[Cimarron]

Do you feel this way only when you are around those pregnant friends? If so make it a point to hang out with parents of teenager - it'll cure you. *grin*

Hehe, or the flip side, have you thought about babysitting for someone you know? I guess you don't know anyone who's had kids yet. Theoretically, it would give you an outlet to care for kids, but without the steel-solid commitment.

 

[beyondaurora]

I understand these things that you're feeling, Amargith. I have a co-worker who is pregnant, and that gets me thinking from time to time.

Just this morning I saw an infant in a stroller, and I just kept looking at its little feet and tiny toes. There is something about that just sucks you in!

But then I remember a 40-something friend of mine and her two kids, who she adores, and honestly, I just can't see me having the patience for them full-time. I need my recharge time, my hide-in-the-bedroom time, and I know that wouldn't be fair to kids.

My mom admits to having me because she wanted someone to love her unconditionally...kind of like having a cat (and I know you know about kitties!). But you know, my mom is one of those people who truly should not have had children. She's very into herself, and she doesn't know how to relate to or comfort her children. Strange thing is that she tests IxFP. For me, she's a big indication that I should not have children.

You know what I'm thinking of doing? Perhaps I will adopt at a later age...say at 50. Maybe by that time, I will feel that I got all of my selfishness out of my system and have more wisdom and life experience to share with the child. But who knows...

 

[Amargith]

I wanna thank everyone who posted here. I do appreciate all the replies. The temporary insanity has passed, yet again (I posted this thread when I heard a friend of mine was having twins!! ). For now, I'm more than happy to not have any children of my own. But the more I think of it, the more I'm ok with not resisting that urge anymore (except for my pride..which is very hurt by the fact that we declared for years not to be interested in kids ).

I know it won't be for the next few years, if at all. But I do wonder..if I am able to reach all the goals I have in mind for the next five years..it is possible that I am finally ready for it. Worries for later though, thank god