Ask God

[Totenkindly]

God,

Why?

(And please don't say "because.")

 

[Fluffywolf]

God.. You have a sick sense of humor you know that. Seriously what is this?

WHAT IS THIS!?

God: "Your... penis?"

 

[ragashree]

Dear God,

Why do you never, ever answer me when I ask serious questions about the meaning of life and ask you to justify your mysterious ways, like when you ignored my earlier question?

This is frankly typical behaviour on your part and just underlines the point I was making earlier. It's like you purposefully ignore my attempts at initiating communication so you have an excuse to punish me for not believing in you. That just seems like a rationalisation for being sadistic. What sort of god portrays themselves as all-loving and benevolent and makes circular excuses to justify their own cruelty so as not to contradict that impression? Is that what you meant when you said we were created in your image?

 

[Ginkgo]

Dear God,

Why do you never, ever answer me when I ask serious questions about the meaning of life and ask you to justify your mysterious ways, like when you ignored my earlier question?

This is frankly typical behaviour on your part and just underlines the point I was making earlier. It's like you purposefully ignore my attempts at initiating communication so you have an excuse to punish me for not believing in you. That just seems like a rationalisation for being sadistic. What sort of god portrays themselves as all-loving and benevolent and makes circular excuses to justify their own cruelty so as not to contradict that impression? Is that what you meant when you said we were created in your image?

Unanswered prayers are themselves answers.

 

[Qlip]

Dear God,

Can you bring something into being so heavy that it's bigger than yo mama? Hah, burn!

 

[Mole]

Self Talk and the Voice of God

I think I heard somewhere that prayer was talking to God and meditation was listening.

It's true, meditation is listening. We listen and listen and listen until we hear our own self talk. And then we listen and listen and listen to our own self talk until we get too tired to listen, and then, all of a sudden, the self talk stops and there we are, wide awake and no self talk.

We all know that poets create God, prophets abuse God and priests bother God to death. Prophets, though, in particular, mistake their own self talk for the voice of God.

 

[A window to the soul]

God,

Why do I only get 100 years to live? I want more time.

 

[EffEmDoubleyou]

Dear God,

Why do you not provide Unbelievers with irrefutable proof of your presence, so that they have a reason to believe?

Ragshree,

What fun would that be? It would be like betting on a sporting event when you already know the outcome.

It seems that you have some nasty punishment lined up in the afterlife for the sin of willful non-belief, which makes you appear like you are just toying with them when you created them with minds that require compelling concrete evidence in order to believe something, and then do not provide them with that evidence so that they at least have the option. To them, unbelief seems like the only rational option as they have never seen anything that could convince them of your existence.

Of course we could say that this is because their mental horizons do not allow them to consider less concrete forms of evidence, but then why did you create them with such minds in the first place? Were you just being vindictive towards your own creations or did you have a purpose?

I don't have any sort of nasty punishment waiting for them. You are talking about some other god, or you're listening to the wrong people. That said, I created everyone with free will and a brain so that they may decide for themselves what is true. But I didn't put a "won't believe in me" chip into anyone's head. As you imply, that would be profoundly unfair. Instead of blaming me for gaming your brain, I urge you to examine your definition of the word "rational". I made you guys smart, but not nearly as smart as you seem to think you are sometimes.

Dear God,

Why do you never, ever answer me when I ask serious questions about the meaning of life and ask you to justify your mysterious ways, like when you ignored my earlier question?

Ragshree,
Don't fret. I didn't ignore your question, I just can't answer them all at once. God has a job too, you know!

 

[EffEmDoubleyou]

Dear God (and Saturned),

So these guys are wrong?

Chicken Came First

PeaceBaby,

I'm afraid they are. Good men, but wrong. You see, that particular protein was also produced in the chicken's most immediate antecedent. But more to the point, I came before researchers.

Also God, why do the majority of male INTJ's think they are omniscient?

Thanks,
PB

Because I needed to give everyone a flaw.

 

[EffEmDoubleyou]

God,

Why?

(And please don't say "because.")

Jennifer,

Have you ever seen the color of the ocean in Hawaii? Have you ever listened to a baby laugh? Have you ever had the margherita pizza at Pizzeria Bianco in Phoenix? That's why.


Except for the baby part.

 

[EffEmDoubleyou]

Dear God,

Can you bring something into being so heavy that it's bigger than yo mama? Hah, burn!

Qlip,

I have a good sense of humor (I mean, I created the duckbill platypus and Michele Bachmann), but you have to bring your A game with God!

However, you did make me laugh, because I remembered when Homer Simpson asked Ned Flanders if Jesus could microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it. When Jesus saw that, he actually tried! Burned the shit out of his mouth. Swear to me.

 

[EffEmDoubleyou]

God,

Why do I only get 100 years to live? I want more time.

Nerd Girl,

Keep up that stuff you're doing and you might only get 30. You know what I'm talking about. Don't make me say it. I saw.

But seriously, I might let you guys live a little longer if you didn't have so many damn babies. It's already impossible to park in the city.

 

[Redbone]

Dear God,

Is it possible for me to be transported (like right now) to the parallel universe where the other Redbone is living a charmed life?

Thank you,
RB

P.S. We are all really small potatoes, aren't we?

 

[swordpath]

Dear God,

There's heaven for the the faithful and then hell for the wicked. Can't there be an after life somewhere that's not too hot and not too cold? Can I go there?

 

[A window to the soul]

God,

Are there Ford Mustangs in heaven?

 

[Rasofy]

Almighty God,
1- Are humans supposed to be monogamic?
2- Is it sometimes ok to curse?
3- What do you think about people that only remember you when they are screwed? Especially females, if you know what I mean.

 

[Ginkgo]

Dear Morgan Freeman,

You voice is but soft timber gracing my ears.

 

[EffEmDoubleyou]

Dear God,

Is it possible for me to be transported (like right now) to the parallel universe where the other Redbone is living a charmed life?

Thank you,
RB

P.S. We are all really small potatoes, aren't we?

Redbone,

I hope this is comforting rather than disturbing, but there is no parallel universe and no other Redbone. You're the best Redbone I could make.

And yes. You should all get over yourselves. Srsly.

Dear God,

There's heaven for the the faithful and then hell for the wicked. Can't there be an after life somewhere that's not too hot and not too cold? Can I go there?

The Beat Goes On,
I mean Beat,
I mean Ignite,
I mean swordpath,

For my sake, even I'M confused!

To answer your question I defer to another wise elder (albeit one MUCH less physically attractive than I). "Do or do not. There is no try."

God,

Are there Ford Mustangs in heaven?

Nerd Girl,

I apologize for my vague, reflexive answers this evening. But let me ask you this. In your heaven, would there be Ford Mustangs?

For the record, if there ARE Mustangs in heaven, we will pretend the second and third generation Mustangs never happened.

Almighty God,
1- Are humans supposed to be monogamic?
2- Is it sometimes ok to curse?
3- What do you think about people that only remember you when they are screwed? Especially females, if you know what I mean.

Rasofy,

1. Yes, it works best that way. But oddly enough, there isn't just one soulmate for everyone. That's some hippie Harlequin romance stuff. Go figure.
2. Fuck yes.
3. They remind me of people that win the lottery and then bitch about the tax bill. Draw your own conclusions.

Dear Morgan Freeman,

You voice is but soft timber gracing my ears.

Gingko,

I'll let you in on a little secret. While I'm very flattered that I've been played by Morgan Freeman, I actually look and sound more like George Burns. No wonder it's so hard to get people to believe in me.

 

[Rasofy]

2. Fuck yes.

 

[EffEmDoubleyou]

Finally, some straight worship up in here!