[ENFJ] Advice regarding ENFJs from ENFJs

[Sparrow]

As requested by Dali . Annnnnd GO!

 

[Anew Leaf]

Dear ENFJs, you guys and gals give the bestest hugs of all NF types. I loves how you get me to be Fe with you.

Quesshun can I please haz moar?

eyenfp

 

[Shaggy]

Do you, ENFJs, tend to emotionally vent to the ones closest to you? I have spent a lot of time listening to my wife unload a world of emotions on me cause of a series of events that occurred that day. While she is venting, she's constantly looking for a unspoken gesture and/or a response from me which usually leads to her feeling alone and disconnected from me. Most of the time my responses are driven by my Ni which is a timely process. By the time I do respond, she's on to completely different subject leaving a huge gap for miscommunication.

If this is typical for ENFJs, any advice on how to approach this situation from my end without leaving me in the position of saying things which I feel indifferent about later on after my Ni has processed this information?

 

[Unkindloving]

Dear ENFJs, you guys and gals give the bestest hugs of all NF types. I loves how you get me to be Fe with you.

Quesshun can I please haz moar?

eyenfp

Why yes

Do you, ENFJs, tend to emotionally vent to the ones closest to you? I have spent a lot of time listening to my wife unload a world of emotions on me cause of a series of events that occurred that day. While she is venting, she's constantly looking for a unspoken gesture and/or a response from me which usually leads to her feeling alone and disconnected from me. Most of the time my responses are driven by my Ni which is a timely process. By the time I do respond, she's on to completely different subject leaving a huge gap for miscommunication.

If this is typical for ENFJs, any advice on how to approach this situation from my end without leaving me in the position of saying things which I feel indifferent about later on after my Ni has processed this information?

Yes.
What do you typically end up doing while she is venting? How does she react to when you respond to the previous subject? Have you told her it takes time for you to process?
I would say a very big thing that ENFJs are looking for when we vent is someone to listen and understand. We want to feel that we aren't alone in our feelings, to feel related to. I know that I personally am not asking for advice most of the time, so you should be aware if your wife is seeking advice or just relatability. She may also tend to bounce it off of you so she can further assess it herself, but no ENFJ really wants to feel like the human we're bouncing thoughts off of is a brick wall.
If you've not had a talk with her, I would suggest you do. Tell her that you are interested in hearing about these things, and do want to respond, but it takes you time to process. Ask her if she is seeking advice, or feels apt in her self-advice. Beyond this, try to relate to her and encourage her.

Also, consider what she is venting to you about. Inquire about its effects on her specifically. Digging deeper might find you a better form of conversation and communication.

 

[Dali]

As requested by Dali . Annnnnd GO!

*hug*

Are ENFJs generally very cautious about how they approach relationships? I mean, do you really take your time getting to know a person first and getting to be friends then take your time before making things official? How do you personally 'approach' relationships?

 

[Dali]

And why is it that I feel like I'm dating an ENFJ and their friends?

 

[Unkindloving]

Are ENFJs generally very cautious about how they approach relationships? I mean, do you really take your time getting to know a person first and getting to be friends then take your time before making things official? How do you personally 'approach' relationships?

And why is it that I feel like I'm dating an ENFJ and their friends?

I think ENFJs will be more cautious if they can't get a proper read-out on a person and their potential with said person. Otherwise, we become a bit 'balls to the wall' about people when we are aware of a lot of interest and a lot of potential. I've read of both sides though, where some will become quite shy at the prospect, yet others will become aggressively interested. Depends on the ENFJ, but I don't think it is difficult to determine which sort of ENFJ you've got on your hands.
Personally, I am aggressive toward what I feel will or won't work. If I don't forsee it working, I'm very adamant about rejecting the prospect of trying. If I do forsee it working, I'm quick to jump on the bandwagon to see if it will.
Edit: I'm not sure on the friendship meter. I've really only had one relationship where I was friends with him for a year prior. Being young and witnessing each other with other people may have had adverse effects on the relationship prior to it even starting, so I'm bad advice in that department.

As per friends- you basically are .
ENFJ social world is their world. We have people-information, and the largest source of our people-information is friendship. If your ENFJ is talking about their friends endlessly, it makes sense. If your ENFJ is making all of your one-on-one time into everyone time, then I'd be concerned.

 

[Dali]

Thanks for the response, hun.

When it comes to the friends thing, we've yet to spend an entire evening alone. It usually starts with dinner/movie/whatever and we then progress to a party/nightclub/wherever where they know half the crowd. I can be outgoing and whatnot (and I must admit, it's beautiful seeing how they work the room masterfully and are just wonderful to everybody) but... sometimes, I'd just like to spend the entire evening, just the two of us, you know? Ah well, compromise.

 

[Shaggy]

Yes.
What do you typically end up doing while she is venting? How does she react to when you respond to the previous subject? Have you told her it takes time for you to process?
I would say a very big thing that ENFJs are looking for when we vent is someone to listen and understand. We want to feel that we aren't alone in our feelings, to feel related to. I know that I personally am not asking for advice most of the time, so you should be aware if your wife is seeking advice or just relatability. She may also tend to bounce it off of you so she can further assess it herself, but no ENFJ really wants to feel like the human we're bouncing thoughts off of is a brick wall.
If you've not had a talk with her, I would suggest you do. Tell her that you are interested in hearing about these things, and do want to respond, but it takes you time to process. Ask her if she is seeking advice, or feels apt in her self-advice. Beyond this, try to relate to her and encourage her.

Also, consider what she is venting to you about. Inquire about its effects on her specifically. Digging deeper might find you a better form of conversation and communication.

Usually when she is venting, she's cooking and I'm leaning back on the kitchen counter. I'll try to be more aware of my reactions or the lack of. I probably do come across as a brick wall. It happens right after getting home from work and our two and half year old is getting hungry and cranky and the dog's wound up from me just walking through the door. Needless to say, I'm trying to keep them two content cause she needs a break from them as well as listening to her cause any distractions wears greatly on her patients at this point. The days she needs to vent are days spent on the phone and/or computer dealing with social issues, family and/or friends. I get home and she is at her wits end with dealing with people, raising the child, and taking care of the dog. Everything she wanted to accomplish that day was left untouched, which adds to her frustration.

She is a total sweet heart and will bend over backward for practically anybody. But at the end of the day, I'm spending my time, which is not a problem, taking care of the stuff that she would normally be doing during the day. ENFJs want to save the world from all that is "wrong", and will extend themselves to all who accept her help. Marrying one is joining the fight. Even if it is just listening to them vent and validating their feelings.

Its just a juggling act between keeping the tension down from everyday life, giving my support, and retaining my feelings and opinions. Mirroring her emotions leads to me feeling lost and off-axis. I just need to let her know I need a minute or two to get things in place to offer my undivided attention.

I love ENFJs. They make me feel alive. Thank you all.

 

[Fidelia]

I've noticed a tendancy in ENFJs to micromanage when they are under stress. What is the best way to minimize this response or reduce their stress? (I think I usually do okay with the listening while the vent thing, trying to pick up slack when they are feeling overwhelmed etc).

 

[Anew Leaf]

And why is it that I feel like I'm dating an ENFJ and their friends?

Everytime I make plans with my friend Mindy, I think that it will just be her and I, or her and I and her daughter. Inevitably it ends up being me, her, her daughter, and a parade of 10 various family and friends. Monday I spent the day with her almost alone while we played with her daughter. Then she remembers that she has a bible study group that night and asks me to come to, so I say sure! I end up meeting 8 new people and 2 new cats and staying at their house until 11.

ENFJs are a good cure for INFP shyness.

 

[Valiant]

Everytime I make plans with my friend Mindy, I think that it will just be her and I, or her and I and her daughter. Inevitably it ends up being me, her, her daughter, and a parade of 10 various family and friends. Monday I spent the day with her almost alone while we played with her daughter. Then she remembers that she has a bible study group that night and asks me to come to, so I say sure! I end up meeting 8 new people and 2 new cats and staying at their house until 11.

ENFJs are a good cure for INFP shyness.

Weird, I also feel like this happens a lot to me. I do not like group communication compared to one on one time, so I usually hang out with one person at a time.
As for the dating ENFJ *and* friends... That's not correct for me, either. I separate those worlds as much as I can.
As for constant texting and shit, or talking on the phone while with someone... No, that is rude and I dump people who do that instantly if I notice it's a habit.

All ENFJs aren't damaged. It seems like it has more to do with *manners*.

 

[Valiant]

To be honest, what you just described strikes me more like socual unaware behavior, which is more often found in, say, ENFPs or ENTPs.
However nice those can be. We all know how frustrating they can be, at times.

 

[Sparrow]

Dear ENFJs, you guys and gals give the bestest hugs of all NF types. I loves how you get me to be Fe with you.

Quesshun can I please haz moar?

eyenfp

Bam!

Do you, ENFJs, tend to emotionally vent to the ones closest to you? I have spent a lot of time listening to my wife unload a world of emotions on me cause of a series of events that occurred that day. While she is venting, she's constantly looking for a unspoken gesture and/or a response from me which usually leads to her feeling alone and disconnected from me. Most of the time my responses are driven by my Ni which is a timely process. By the time I do respond, she's on to completely different subject leaving a huge gap for miscommunication.

If this is typical for ENFJs, any advice on how to approach this situation from my end without leaving me in the position of saying things which I feel indifferent about later on after my Ni has processed this information?

I do, but only to the people who are closest to me of coarse , or someone I feel that I can really trust ☺. I agree with what Unkindloving said, let her know it takes time for you to process it all, if you tell her that right away she might not feel so dissed.

When I’m in that mode I usually just need some good positive vibes to make me feel a little better. We like to know that our loved ones are there for us and really care. Sometimes, If I go on and on….I finally get told not to worry so much, or that whatever it is I’m obsessing about isn’t worth the stress. It helps me to get that reminder from some one else, it kinda gets me back on track.

*hug*

Are ENFJs generally very cautious about how they approach relationships? I mean, do you really take your time getting to know a person first and getting to be friends then take your time before making things official? How do you personally 'approach' relationships?

I am pretty cautious when it comes to making it official. It takes about 1 to 3 months of dating….no sex allowed until its official too ! I need to make sure that I can really trust them and know them.

I've noticed a tendancy in ENFJs to micromanage when they are under stress. What is the best way to minimize this response or reduce their stress? (I think I usually do okay with the listening while the vent thing, trying to pick up slack when they are feeling overwhelmed etc).

Nicely say- “Relax, I got this!” Or “Trust me on this one, I can handle it” lol

Everytime I make plans with my friend Mindy, I think that it will just be her and I, or her and I and her daughter. Inevitably it ends up being me, her, her daughter, and a parade of 10 various family and friends. Monday I spent the day with her almost alone while we played with her daughter. Then she remembers that she has a bible study group that night and asks me to come to, so I say sure! I end up meeting 8 new people and 2 new cats and staying at their house until 11.

ENFJs are a good cure for INFP shyness.

My boyfriend got mad at me the other day because we planned a trip to the movies, us and another couple. So I busted out my phone to call our other boyfriend and girlfriend duo to join us. He snapped at me and said it was rude! But in my mind I was thinking hey we are all good friends! Why would it be rude if we are all in the same circle? I do think it might be inappropriate if everyone didn’t know each other I guess (depending on the event and/or who is involved).

 

[Unkindloving]

Thanks for the response, hun.

When it comes to the friends thing, we've yet to spend an entire evening alone. It usually starts with dinner/movie/whatever and we then progress to a party/nightclub/wherever where they know half the crowd. I can be outgoing and whatnot (and I must admit, it's beautiful seeing how they work the room masterfully and are just wonderful to everybody) but... sometimes, I'd just like to spend the entire evening, just the two of us, you know? Ah well, compromise.

Mm while it's an important factor in the 'ENFJ: Getting To Know You' book, constantly going out in groups will only show you a specific side of a person. I mean, of course we like knowing that you can survive a social situation, as well as how we are in social situations. I'd be curious about why the ENFJ is inclined to be around social scenarios. For some people, there's a fear of one-on-one interaction. For others, there is just the lax thought of combining datee and social event to 'kill two birds with one stone' (but in a positive way lol).
I'd say.. suggest a night of one-on-one time, and/or ask if there's any hesitation toward that. Sometimes ENFJs just get the social ball rolling and forget to stop it.

Usually when she is venting, she's cooking and I'm leaning back on the kitchen counter. I'll try to be more aware of my reactions or the lack of. I probably do come across as a brick wall. It happens right after getting home from work and our two and half year old is getting hungry and cranky and the dog's wound up from me just walking through the door. Needless to say, I'm trying to keep them two content cause she needs a break from them as well as listening to her cause any distractions wears greatly on her patients at this point. The days she needs to vent are days spent on the phone and/or computer dealing with social issues, family and/or friends. I get home and she is at her wits end with dealing with people, raising the child, and taking care of the dog. Everything she wanted to accomplish that day was left untouched, which adds to her frustration.

She is a total sweet heart and will bend over backward for practically anybody. But at the end of the day, I'm spending my time, which is not a problem, taking care of the stuff that she would normally be doing during the day. ENFJs want to save the world from all that is "wrong", and will extend themselves to all who accept her help. Marrying one is joining the fight. Even if it is just listening to them vent and validating their feelings.

Its just a juggling act between keeping the tension down from everyday life, giving my support, and retaining my feelings and opinions. Mirroring her emotions leads to me feeling lost and off-axis. I just need to let her know I need a minute or two to get things in place to offer my undivided attention.

I love ENFJs. They make me feel alive. Thank you all.

Now that you've mentioned the additional elements, makes more sense. Stressed out ENFJ gets crazy, especially the sort that puts too much emphasis on their relationships to the point where it detracts from their own self-designated responsibilities. You can't tell them to not care, but you can tell them when they need to take a second to step back from a situation that is beyond them, unsolvable, or is being a strain on their own well-being. Then you can tell them to breathe. Reassure that they are doing enough, or more than enough. Reassure that they know who they are dealing with, and to remember that an outsider to a situation can only do so much, but the people directly dealing with it are the only ones that can make changes/progress/etc.

Make sure you tell her that you need a few moments because you want to give her the attention she deserves. Etc. lol Just be a sweet hubby.
Be aware of your mental needs as well though. ENFJs like to help their partners when they can, especially if it is positive. It's a breath of fresh air, giving us something we can fix and can enjoy fixing.

I've noticed a tendancy in ENFJs to micromanage when they are under stress. What is the best way to minimize this response or reduce their stress? (I think I usually do okay with the listening while the vent thing, trying to pick up slack when they are feeling overwhelmed etc).

Tell them they are micromanaging - that's my first guesstimate on it. ENFJ self-awareness is typically... bad, but they'll want to adjust if they see how their actions are affecting the outer, social world that is important to them. If the ENFJ is in pretty decent shape mentally, then they'll try to figure out how to reel it in. It's probably one of the best ways to tone us down when we're in crazy-mode.
As I've just said to Shaggy, if you cannot solve their stressors, give them something to help with or fix that is positive and feasible. The other issues will still be on our mind, but the positive change may cause us to micromanage less.

 

[Shaggy]

Thanks Unkindloving for your thoughtful responses. A lot of what you said, resonated with me. I need to present my wife with more ideas that contain great potential to wield positive results. She has been talking about starting a flower garden once the weather eases up. Maybe a stop at Lowes on the way home tonight might kick start things off in that direction. She has a soft spot for anything that grows, animals and plants alike.

 

[Glycerine]

I've noticed a tendancy in ENFJs to micromanage when they are under stress. What is the best way to minimize this response or reduce their stress? (I think I usually do okay with the listening while the vent thing, trying to pick up slack when they are feeling overwhelmed etc).

I usually need time alone to process my emotions/thoughts. When stressed, the more external info (such as planning, other people's problems) I have, the more I want to burst. The "micromanaging" is an inefficient way for me to release emotional energy and gives me a false sense of control/stability when I am crumbling on the inside.

 

[skylights]

And why is it that I feel like I'm dating an ENFJ and their friends?

hahaha. yeah. and family! i love it though. i love discovering other people's worlds, including their social worlds. who people interact with and value tells you so much about them. plus it's just fun.

ENFJs want to save the world from all that is "wrong", and will extend themselves to all who accept her help. Marrying one is joining the fight.

well, haven't married one, but i think getting close either as friend or girlfriend suffices. you join the team. the first time i got into that position, i felt oddly abandoned. like, he's not paying attention to me, he's focused on whoever he's trying to fix. took me a bit to realize that the autonomy and space was a gift of trust.

I love ENFJs. They make me feel alive. Thank you all.

me too.

To be honest, what you just described strikes me more like socual unaware behavior, which is more often found in, say, ENFPs or ENTPs.
However nice those can be. We all know how frustrating they can be, at times.

hey!

i do hate that sort of behavior too. though i'm somewhat socially aware as far as dunderhead ExFPs go, which maybe is why i tend to get along with Fe types easily. i did have one ENFJ friend who was messaging a lot during dinner, and when i called him out on it, he got pissed at me. later he told me that i was right but he didn't like how i addressed it. turned out he was trying to sort something pretty serious out (wish he had just told me, lol...)

on that note, question about ENFJ boundaries. i know this guy has some pretty strong personal boundary lines - i'd place him 3w4 sp/so on the enneagram - and he has a lot of what i feel like are very nuanced and hard-to-figure-out rules about where others are pushing too much into his personal reasons for things. i feel like it's a very delicate game sometimes, trying to approach certain topics. if i do it wrong i get the Ni boot. do you ENFJs know what i'm talking about, or maybe this is really more of an individual thing? some INTJs in another thread have talked about something similar, so i'm thinking it might be related to his heavy Ni levels. i'm trying to figure out if there's any better way of approaching things with him than i currently am. sometimes it seems like silence is the best policy - he opens up when he feels like it.

 

[Valiant]

on that note, question about ENFJ boundaries. i know this guy has some pretty strong personal boundary lines - i'd place him 3w4 sp/so on the enneagram - and he has a lot of what i feel like are very nuanced and hard-to-figure-out rules about where others are pushing too much into his personal reasons for things. i feel like it's a very delicate game sometimes, trying to approach certain topics. if i do it wrong i get the Ni boot. do you ENFJs know what i'm talking about, or maybe this is really more of an individual thing? some INTJs in another thread have talked about something similar, so i'm thinking it might be related to his heavy Ni levels. i'm trying to figure out if there's any better way of approaching things with him than i currently am. sometimes it seems like silence is the best policy - he opens up when he feels like it.

Well, it does sound like a couple of them I know. I'm not like that at all, though. I think that's more related to Enneagram or something. I'm a total type 8, even if I go for ENFJ. That's unusual, but exists.
What you might understand, and what I want to convey is that I am more the dominant, intense and socially bold sort of ENFJ. Often gets confused with ENTJ, even if my decisions aren't based on logic.
Even if I can try to motivate my actions with logic at a later stage in front of others, you know Hahaha ^^ It's mostly on a hunch and a feeling or two. And i'm usually right, and even when it seems I wasn't, it usually turns out I was later.

So, yeah, i'd say that how touchy someone is about certain topics would be rather individual. Sure enough, there is stuff I simply won't discuss with my family.
I don't curse, talk about sex, feelings, relationships (much anyway) or anything else private around them. Simply because they become more annoying the more they know.
That's not true for people in general, though. Some of you know a lot about me, and still you're not annoying me like a swarm of bees.
So, quite generally, if I like the person, I can talk about anything. We can even discuss my sexual preferences in detail, if you wish.
So, well, i'm fairly open and blunt.

But i'm just one variety of the Enneagram. No idea about if i'm 8w9 or 8w7. Most ly just 8, I suppose.

 

[Unkindloving]

on that note, question about ENFJ boundaries. i know this guy has some pretty strong personal boundary lines - i'd place him 3w4 sp/so on the enneagram - and he has a lot of what i feel like are very nuanced and hard-to-figure-out rules about where others are pushing too much into his personal reasons for things. i feel like it's a very delicate game sometimes, trying to approach certain topics. if i do it wrong i get the Ni boot. do you ENFJs know what i'm talking about, or maybe this is really more of an individual thing? some INTJs in another thread have talked about something similar, so i'm thinking it might be related to his heavy Ni levels. i'm trying to figure out if there's any better way of approaching things with him than i currently am. sometimes it seems like silence is the best policy - he opens up when he feels like it.

Mm yea. I was talking with one of my INTJ friends about INTJs.. and he said something about them having "golden rules" that are hidden, but detrimental if gone against. I'd say ENFJs can have the same sort of thing. It's rare that we'll flat out tell you. We like when other people are able to feel it out for themselves, and don't reach the quota on error noises like a game of Operation.
I'm personally a pretty open ENFJ. I'll discuss just about anything, but I draw the line at being emotionally open. A lot of the ENFJs I've read posts by over the past year feel that just being verbally open is too much in itself. I can imagine it being a bit more so for males of our type.
However, I would go about it in the same way of trying to relate to the ENFJ. Put yourself out there first, then ENFJ may follow. Offer up a fact, then ask if the ENFJ has ever had the same experience or dealt with something similar in others. We latch to people information, and we latch to openness in most cases.