[sx] Advice for an Enneagram type 4w3 sx type(having hemophilia) ?!

[pessimistic kid]

Hello, I have been doing some serious introspection about my life and I have realized the kind of dissatisfying life I am having (The Modern age stigma!) right now, I won't be able to turn it all around. My problem(Hemophilia) really causes great hindrance in my strive for getting fame and success as my type dictates.(Enneagram type 4 sx)
Deep down I really feel envious of my friends living a normal life, running faster than me (metaphorically) in achieving their goals. How can I enjoy or excel in life when I actually have real physical limits. I am willing to lose my sleep for my goals but prolonged activity even like sitting can cause Bleeds(My problem).


This simple amateur drawing made by me sums up my life.




As you can see, I can never be a sports person. I even feel envious of Ronaldo .
The only thing left is becoming the best in 'mind battle', becoming super intelligent. But my mind has really been running a monkey business. There are many times when I go into the state of depression and anxiety.

Should I just end my life? Since I have seen the boundary conditions. And this is seriously not the life I want to accept.
But my efficiency is lower as compared to the normal ones. It's actually like being like the tortoise who also has to sleep while running a race with the rabbits. The worst part is upcoming generation is not going to respect me plus my problem is hereditary meaning my grandson from my daughter might also have this problem. I wish my parents hadn't invested so much in me.






PS- this is not a vent, I just need a straight forward advice, that just tells me is life worth living. I am 23 right now.
I am even trying my best to still strive. Reading self-help books. Law of attraction. But still, Maybe I am too weak.

When I read the description of Enneagram type 4 sx it just describes me perfectly. Plus being an INFJ, I really fear possibilities and over analyze all the stuff.


Please advice and thank you for your time.

 

[Cloudpatrol]

I was reading a news report that immediately made me think of you so I returned here to leave the link:

'Exciting' new therapy shows promising results for hemophilia patients | CTV News

I don't know if you live where you could possibly contact them, and ask to join next part of the study in Philadelphia? At the least, I thought it might provide possible hope for your concerns re: your grandson.


I never answered your post when I first read it because I didn't feel I was entitled to. Because I probably don't fully understand what it is to live with such a serious condition that affects so much day to day. Your words {and question} have always stayed with me though.

I am so sorry that health limitations are proving so deeply frustrating and saddening. (Respectful hug)


My Dad faces death daily because of serious illness. He has been seriously ill for decades now. I can only tell you what I have observed from him: He tries not to compare his life with other's because this makes him feel dissatisfied and think on what he has lost. Instead he tries to find joy in very small things. Like the taste of a ripe tomato or when the dog makes him laugh. He tries to laugh as often as possible and he dances at least once every day. (Often that has meant just moving his head to music in a hospital bed).


I know that he used to feel life was passing him by also. But, this is what he did...he changed his perspective. He realized that he could be the BEST at coping with illness. He jokes with nurses, is supportive to our family, is a warrior in dealing with pain and discomfort. This is a guy who belongs to Mensa and used to waterski holding the tow rope between his teeth. But, he's had to deal with less brain function, hampered mobility, regular bleeding, hundreds of surgeries and more. He realized that the option left to him now was to be the best warrior. The best father and spouse. To fight for life and against all odds to enjoy it.

Does he still have horrible days? Yes. Have there been times when he was not sure he had what it took to keep fighting? Yes.


Is his situation different than yours? Yes. So please don't take it that I think you should do what he does. I only talk about him here to show that someone who previously wondered if life was still worth living, has found his own way to cope...even joyfully sometimes. I know that he did have to mourn the realization that he could not do all he wanted. I understand at 23 this may seem unfair and overwhelming. I am so sorry you are dealing with something that has been beyond your control.


I hope the study from the link is successful and that hemophilia becomes treatable in your lifetime.