I didn't want to respond to this thread, because I made it while drunk as fuck. I realize I have a serious dependency on alcohol. I thought I had dreampt making this thread, and it took some thinking as to why I made it. I was watching a show, and it brought up trust. Somehow something "clicked" about it. I saw for the first time, how I "trust" or I should say, lack of.
[MENTION=30038]The Cat[/MENTION] when I said "gambling on certainties", it accurately resembles my feelings on trust. There is no trust, and whatever I allow people to do for me, in situations that people consider being "trusted in", is actually the opposite. I fully expect to lose whatever I "trust" people with, and I am sometimes surprised when I don't. Hence, the feeling of gamble.
I have zero faith, in both peoples abilities, and trustworthiness apparently. This probably explains why I feel such a divide between myself and others. Who could stand being around someone, who can't even trust them? Then I myself, tend to treat other people as strangers, and keep them at arms length when they try to earn my trust, get closer, or actually like me. It honestly scares me when people get too close, because I have no idea what to do. That part of me is still just a child, because of trauma it never developed. The closer people try get to me, the farther away I want to go. I can't tell if I am afraid of hurting them, or them hurting me. I also cannot differenciate between those who I want to be closer to, and those who I don't want to be close to.
I am beginning to realize the depth of my emotional avoidance, and my alcoholism is evidence of that. I realized that every time I start to feel emotion, I would drown it out and throw my mind into escapism. I run away from the slightest emotional inconveniences, and either be arrogant about myself, or attack others. I also overthink, negative self talk, push myself to be stronger and supress/repress everything in a constant cycle of construction and destruction through avoidant regression. In all honesty, it pisses me off. I piss myself off. I probably have no idea what I mean right now too.
I quit drinking on the 17th, and it has been a rough week. I need to rediscover myself again.