I'm not sure why people are having such a hard time understanding the OP. The issue here is about language, I think. Let me give you a uh, subpar example with no real content because I'm lifting from old (un)successful conversations and taking out the personal details
:steam:: blah blah blah
: well no, that's wrong.
:steam:: but it just feels like blah blah blah
: well that doesn't make sense. you have (x, y, and z) and so even being upset about it is pointless.
:steam:: ....but i do feel upset about it, because (a, b, and c)
: well alright but being upset about it is stupid.
:steam:::steam:
vs.
:steam:: blah blah blah
: well now, do you think that's really accurate? because maybe (x, y, z)?
:steam:: well yeah, but it feels like blah blah blah
: i'd imagine so.
:steam:: yeah, i dunno why but it just made me feel so blah blah blah because (a, b, and c)
: i know it did, but do you think maybe (d, e, or f)?
: yeah i know. that probably is what's best but i don't know it's just really upsetting and it's hard to think things through properly amongst all the inner turmoil.
: it's cool, you're ENFP
that's it! We're approaching our feelings of conflict and being upset by seeking outside stimulation in order to make sense of it all. Inside i'm so all over the place that i need to seek stability from outside, NOT within...at least not until later when I'm able to take all the info I've gathered from others and have cooled down enough to process it all.
Conversations like the first throw us into further turmoil because it's all criticism and no content; tough love in the form of "get over it" like this isn't usually helpful (there are exceptions, of course).
Conversations like the second, however, are much more constructive. I'm willing to see my lapses of judgment pointed out to me; hell most of the time it's because i WANT to see them but I can't so I'm seeking out others for an Ne-fest.
Like Little Linguist mentioned, my process of "thinking things through" is external and this is what I'm doing: seeking out other viewpoints in order to get the bigger picture. It's not about coddling, it's about needing some help seeing through the fog and this is how i do it. Telling me it might be helpful to think about it another way is helpful; telling me "you shouldn't feel upset" is useless because hello, I'm already upset!
Now of course there is a responsibility on the ENFPs part to walk away from a conversation that is agitating or not helpful; I have to from time to time or it will escalate things and yeah, I don't want that. It's not why I went into the conversation in the first place. but that's not what the OP is about: it's about the OTHER side of the issue and the ideal exchange between an upset ENFP and the lucky other