Aitog
New member
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2016
- Messages
- 12
- MBTI Type
- ENFP
Hi folks,
OK, I will try and keep this brief. I have a female friend (ESFJ, surprise surprise) and we have known each other for some time. A while back I was unintentionally insensitive (I did not pick my words carefully enough) by making light of a situation she considers as quite serious, and she didn't speak to me for about two weeks. I felt terrible about the whole thing, apologised profusely and unconditionally, and we kind-of carried on as normal after she started talking to me again. I say "kind-of", because we never actually discussed the issue and dealt with it: I don't know if this is typical of ESFJs, but she does not communicate about past problems at all. Even though I am conflict averse myself, I fundamentally believe in the importance of communicating about problems and fixing them.
Anyway, fast-forward a few months and she full-on shuts me out one day out of the blue. Zero communication, zero clarification, nothing. Just total excommunication. I try to find out what is wrong, but I am either ignored or receive the "I don't want to talk to you" response. She shut down our conversation for over two months before talking to me again, and I was completely mortified and devastated during the period. The worst thing a person I care about, be they a friend or a partner, can do to me is to cut me off completely. I only found out after two months that the reason for the shut-out was that I upset her with something I told her in confidence, which she misinterpreted as clashing with her internal values, and due to her complete refusal to communicate with me about it I was never granted an opportunity to clarify the misunderstanding or even defend myself.
During this period of excommunication she at one point told me she never wanted to see me again, and inside a piece of me who cared about her died. When she started talking to me again it was nice and all, but I expected something to go horribly awry again at some point and it didn't really feel as if it mattered to me so much anymore. Perhaps it has something to do with her ability to unilaterally end and restart the friendship as she sees fit, guided by her so-called "inner values".
I am aware of her carrying a lot of emotional baggage. I have always been understanding and supportive of this fact. However, I cannot help but conclude that she is exhibiting some seriously unhealthy ESFJ traits. Either way, unless I am misdiagnosing it, I frankly cannot bear to remain connected to this type of toxicity.
Thoughts?
OK, I will try and keep this brief. I have a female friend (ESFJ, surprise surprise) and we have known each other for some time. A while back I was unintentionally insensitive (I did not pick my words carefully enough) by making light of a situation she considers as quite serious, and she didn't speak to me for about two weeks. I felt terrible about the whole thing, apologised profusely and unconditionally, and we kind-of carried on as normal after she started talking to me again. I say "kind-of", because we never actually discussed the issue and dealt with it: I don't know if this is typical of ESFJs, but she does not communicate about past problems at all. Even though I am conflict averse myself, I fundamentally believe in the importance of communicating about problems and fixing them.
Anyway, fast-forward a few months and she full-on shuts me out one day out of the blue. Zero communication, zero clarification, nothing. Just total excommunication. I try to find out what is wrong, but I am either ignored or receive the "I don't want to talk to you" response. She shut down our conversation for over two months before talking to me again, and I was completely mortified and devastated during the period. The worst thing a person I care about, be they a friend or a partner, can do to me is to cut me off completely. I only found out after two months that the reason for the shut-out was that I upset her with something I told her in confidence, which she misinterpreted as clashing with her internal values, and due to her complete refusal to communicate with me about it I was never granted an opportunity to clarify the misunderstanding or even defend myself.
During this period of excommunication she at one point told me she never wanted to see me again, and inside a piece of me who cared about her died. When she started talking to me again it was nice and all, but I expected something to go horribly awry again at some point and it didn't really feel as if it mattered to me so much anymore. Perhaps it has something to do with her ability to unilaterally end and restart the friendship as she sees fit, guided by her so-called "inner values".
I am aware of her carrying a lot of emotional baggage. I have always been understanding and supportive of this fact. However, I cannot help but conclude that she is exhibiting some seriously unhealthy ESFJ traits. Either way, unless I am misdiagnosing it, I frankly cannot bear to remain connected to this type of toxicity.
Thoughts?