"Brain in a Crisis," by Renée Carolyn
Te is sitting in a big, comfortable black roller chair, facing the rest of the group in a rather menacing way, looking for answers.
Ne, Fe, Se are sitting in the front row of a white conference room with white walls, no pictures, a white board in front, with black chairs.
Si, Fi, Ti, and Ni are sitting in the back row, struggling to see over the tall Ne, Fe, and Se in the back.
Te: "Okay, so you all know why we're here today. We're looking to find answers and get results. So...Ne, you're first. What did you come up with?"
Ne: "Well, sir, you will be pleased. I came up with a lot of great things. We have this possibility here, and then this will probably lead to this, and that will probably lead to that, and then this could be there, and that could be there...."
Ni: *whispers to the other inferior functions* "Damn it, he never says *I* helped him with that while he's fluttering all over the place. Grrr."
*other inferior functions nod, as they have experienced similar things*
Te: "Yes, yes, yes, that's all fine and good Ne, but damn it!!! You're flitting all over the place, and you're not getting anywhere. None of this shit is making sense."
Si: "I TOLD HIM to listen to me, but the bloody asshole is always running off doing his own thing...damn Ne."
Te: *looks menacing but interested* "What was that, Si?"
Si: *looks nervous* "Nothing, sir. Nothing important, anyway, I was just..."
Te: *turns to Ne* "Good. Anyway. As I was saying, that's not going to make any sense whatsoever. You haven't got a clear plan, and it doesn't make sense."
Ne: "DAMN IT IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE SENSE. GRRRR: It's supposed to be brainstorming new things, because that asshole back there always makes you do the same things over and over." *points accusingly to Si*
Si: *getting defensive* "NOW JUST ONE MINUTE HERE...."
Te: "SHUT UPPPPPPPPPPPPP!" *tries to calm down* "Ugh. I can't think with all this bloody racket going on."
Fi: *timidly* "If I might suggest just all of us being quiet, adjourning the session, and just going inside ourselves just to see what we all think and feel..."
Te: *interrupts* "Oh, great, we got Ms. Touchy Feely going all, "Whhaaa whaaa whaaa..."
Fe: "Actually, sir, I'm Ms. Touchy Feely, and I do a good job, if I may say so...."
Te: *frustrated and grumpy* "WHATEVER. Anyway, this is about as effective as convincing a pile of molasses to go uphill in January."
Si: "I helped him remember that time-old expression" *looks proud* "Renée's grandfather always used to say it."
Ne: *yawns* *whispers* "These assholes are always holding me back."
Fe: "Actually, I COULD convince a pile of molasses to go uphill in January."
Si: "Yeah, she did once. It was horrible."
Fe: "Quiet, please, back there. I'm trying to make a point here."
Ti: "Yeah, a completely irrelevant one. Like everyone else here."
Te: "Now that's the first thing that anyone has said that makes any sense."
Ti: "I still don't even know why we are here. No one has defined the parameters."
Te: "Mr. Parameter-Man." <aside> "God that asshole pisses me off." <turns back> "Does ANYONE have anything GOOD and RELEVANT that they would like to SAY?"
Se: "Dude, man, look. We've been sitting in this cold doctor's office for, like, 20 thousand years. I say we make a decision and do something, even if it's wrong, just DO SOMETHING!!!!!!! So I can go off and have some fun and not be stuck in this..."
Fi: "Shitty, awful, pathetic, disgusting, disturbing...."
Te: *bangs a gavel on the desk* "I said good and relevant."
Fi: "I am good; you're bad. Maybe you should just SHUT UP!!!!!!"
*everyone stares at Fi, wild-eyed*
Fi: "I demand that everyone stop with this so-called planning. Everyone's got an oak tree up their butt, and no one knows what they are doing. Be QUIET FOR A MINUTE!!!!!"
Ne: "I'm NOT going to be quiet."
Fe: "Me either."
Se: "DUDE; PARTAYYYYYYYY!"
Fe: "Ugh. Will someone please tell Se to keep his rude, bizarre comments to himself?"
Se: "Dude, I'm sick of sitting here in a bloody conference room when I could have figured this shit out a long time ago!"
Te: "KEEP YOUR RUDE BIZARRE COMMENTS TO YOURSELF, Fi and Se."
Se: "Dude, I wanna eat some chocolate and have some champagne and strawberries, anyone mind?"
Fe: "Aww, I love strawberries, do you mind?"
Te: "Se, put the shit away. Fe, pay attention. Ne, quit staring mindlessly out the window. Si, wake your stupid ass up. Fi, I'm not going to tell you again, stop muttering."
Te gets angry at not having control, takes out an AK-47, locks and loads, and points it around, at which point, everyone goes wide-eyed and silent.
Te: "Okay, mofos, the next one that says a peep without my asking DIES RIGHT HERE."
*silence*
Te puts the gun down.
Te: "Okay, Ne, quitcherbitchin and say what you wanted to say."
Ne: "Well, the last thing we implemented did not work, so I devised a whole variety of new ideas..."
*Ne presents his ideas*
Te: "Good, we'll do that..."
Fi: "But..."
*Te puts his hand on AK-47, looking menacingly, while Fi promptly shuts up*
Ti: "So what are we doing?"
Te: "Okay, Ne: You explain the plan. WITHOUT GETTING DISTRACTED....AGAIN."
Ne: "Yes, sir, will do sir."
Te: "Se, you will do the plan."
Se: *war cry* "YEAH MOMMASSSSSSSSSSSSSSS WATCH OUT: WOOO HOOOO YEAHHHHHH."
Te: "We can do without the racket."
Se: <aside> "Man, he always fucks up my fun."
Te: "Fe, you will get everyone excited about the plan."
Fe. "Oh, sir, I will definitely put my best foot forward" *zips into a lovely red dress, flipping her hair* "You know how well I can do that."
Te: *blushes, clears his throat* "Right, well, then, do your thing."
Fe: "Bonnie and Clyde, my love, Bonnie and Clyde."
Te: *gets upset* "HUSH. I don't know what you're talking about."
Fe: *giggles softly to herself*
Te: *deep sigh* "So, now we turn to you guys...."
*looks at inferior functions*
Te: "Si, your job is to look for details, precedent, and tell me what you think, and how you assess things for the plan."
Si: "Sir, I'm rather exhausted, I might miss a few things. You've been using me a lot lately, which is why we decided maybe Ne should take over, and..."
Te: "Wait a second."
*pulls Si over to the side and speaks with him in hushed tones*
Te: "Ne is a pile of shit that never gets anything done, and we both know that. When that guy is at the helm, Renée Carolyn never remembers jack shit. She flits all over the place without a goal, and the last time I went on vacation and put him at the helm, all hell broke loose. That ain't happening again. Got that?"
Si: *looks proud to be the right-hand silent man* "Yes, sir, I won't let you down."
Te: "Finally, a person I can count on. Now don't you go off forgetting stuff. I know you're tired and need a break, but..."
Si: *looks exhausted* "I'll do my best."
Te: "Let's hope so!" *pats Si's back* "Listen, pal, what the eff am I gonna do without you?"
Si: *smiles weakly and sighs, going back to his seat*
Fi/Ti: "So what did he say?"
Si: *smiling* "Oh, nothing..."
Ni: *grumpy* "Yeah, that's likely."
Te: "Ni, your job is to look out for the likely future implications of our plan. I don't want any slippery surprises coming our way, and despite your size, you're pretty good at that." *turns to Si* <aside> "I wonder where Renée learned that."
Ni: "Oh, great, once again I get put to be a work horse, and bloody Ne takes all the credit."
Ne: "DO NOT."
Ni: "DO!"
Ne: "DO NOTTT!"
Ni: "Do, toooooo!"
Te: "QUIETTTTTTTTTTTT!"
Si: "Actually, Ni is right, sir. Ne often does that."
Te: *turns to Si* "He does?"
Si: "Yes, sir. Quite frequently."
Fi: "Slippery bastard."
Te: *turns to Ne* "STOP doing that. I don't want Ni bailing on me."
Te: *turns to Fi* "AND YOU!!!!!!!" *menacingly pokes AK-47* "Your job is to shut the eff up, unless I ask you if this is going to have direct implications, which Ni will detect, on Renée's future. Got it? And if she's puking up a lung or feeling suicidal, you should probably tell me that, too. Otherwise, HANDS OFF!!!!!!"
Fi: *feels sad* "But what if she feels...."
Te: *gets angry* "FEELS??? FEELS???? Who gives a flying rat ass eff what she FEELS??? We have got WORK to do!!!!!!!!"
Fi: *gets defensive and getting louder and louder and more and more grumpy and angry as she goes on* "But last time she felt bad, we all suffered. Ni saw it coming, just ask her. SHE KNEW. I KNEW: No one listened to us. NO ONE. Especially that crummy Fe girl you're always strutting around with. All she cares about is what other people think. SHE NEVER cares about what RENÉE thinks. Always her. And the others. Ni and I, we knew she was headed down a slippery slope, but because YOU AND THE OTHERS are so powerful, no one gives a shit!!!!!! Until she finally FLIPPED OUT and all of us got torn down. NO ONE CARES ABOUT WHAT I FEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" *sits down huffily and grumpily in her chair, looks up a bit worriedly, as everyone, including Te just kind of stares at her in ultimate shock and astonishment.*
Te: *clears throat, pulls at his tie* "Well....uh...yes, well....I....Si, is that really true?"
Si: "Well sir, to be entirely honest..."
Fe: "Awwww, Te, dear...." ***straightens out his tie and gives him a sultry look*** "Let's not get all grumpy and defensive, shall we? Let's save some of that for this evening, huh?" *winks*
Fi: "Ugh. Disgusting."
Te: "Not HERE." *turns to the others* "Well, enough of that. So, Fe, dear, make yourself useful and make sure Renée wows the others with the plan, keeping her calm and composed, diplomatic."
Fe: "Of course, dear, we're a team, remember...I compensate for your..."
*Te looks menancing*
Fe: *clears throat* "RAWRRRRRRRRRR...So sexy."
Fi/Ti: "Oh get a room...."
Te: "Ne, for the last time, stop staring out the window. Do your stuff, so the rest of us can do our stuff."
Ti: "And what about ME???"
Te: *stares a bit perplexedly* "You...*ahem* your job is....." <aside> "Si!!! What's his job???"
Si: "Well, sir, usually, he just sits in the background watching everything with Ni. He doesn't really get out a lot, sir."
Te: "Yeah, well, Ti, sit with Ni and help her. Drink some champagne with Se....SE DAMN IT I TOLD YOU TO PUT THE CHOCOLATE AWAY!"
Se: *grins with a chocolate grin* "Hehehehehhehehe. Who gives a shit?!" *runs out the door*
Te: "WHAT A MAD HOUSE: A MAD HOUSE!?!?!?!??! How am I supposed to order stuff with all these crazy mad dogs around????"
Si: "Well you have me...."
Fe: "And me....rawrrrrrrrrrrrrr..."
Te: "Okay, everyone, do your work effectively. No snoozing now. I want results."
Everyone, except Fi/Ti: "YES, SIR!"
Fi: "Asshole."
Ti: *burp*