Thanks for the feedback - makes a lot of sense
Thank you so much to everyone who wrote.
Even those who were critical - all sides are good to hear.
I agree with the importance of trying to be honest about my needs without getting too clingy or emotional about it. The idea of sitting down and working out how best to tackle this is an interesting suggestion - my first recourse is to think about how I can change myself to fit what he wants rather than to change or even really commence 'tactics'.
In my brain I can say to myself 'you know he loves you, chill out' but because it seems to come naturally for me to want to do nice things for him, it seems to point the other way (as in that he musn't really care) when he has his nutty professor hat on and doesn't think to do them for me. This would be most of Mon-Fri.
So much of what you all wrote have given me a more positive perspective. I still do like the idea of a support group though! The things an INTP brings to a relationship are so precious, but it can sometimes feel like balls of the most rich pate, for which you can eat to a point but sometimes you need a chicken leg. Mostly though, we are very happy. I also suspect that the distance thing is particularly bad for a relationship with an INTP. It makes it too easy for him to bury himself in multiple episodes of Farscape!
So what is so fascinating about the INTP to this ENFJ?
*The unconventional side of the INTP. Happy to dress up in weird clothes or go against the mainstream. Kindred spirits!
*They can say 'no' to a barbeque if they don't want to go.
*Passion: He can seems to be so calm, but when we talk politics and literature-he is so passionate! We can argue about ideas.
*He gives a shit about what is happening in the world - although mainly on the big picture level. So while he won't be fully switched on to what is happening in his own life, he will be very aware of the political climate etc. Which is great because I study politics!
*Being with an INTP I feel that I an expand and grow. I don't feel I have to subscribe to a certain way of being - he is not going to expect me to be home every night with a frilly apron on.
*I can love my INTP while still having a good amount of time (and emotional energy!) to have other significant friendships and relationships with family. I haven't had a single comment along the lines of 'you never have any time for me anymore' etc that can sometimes be said by family/friends when you get into a relationship.
*And there is the personal time spent together. It is like being two kids in a cave with a flashlight, or out on a trail seeing where it would go.
*I really need my quality time alone, and I definitely get that with my INTP. In my other relationships (such as friendships, and when I was growing up wth my family) it is mostly me who has had the higher need for solitude, because I was often the 'fixer' or 'helper'. That is probably why it feels a bit humiliating to seem this needy! I am trying to change this, and I guess I have found quite a hole in my self-esteem. Any suggestions on how to tackle this one would be really appreciated. I love my solitude, but too much time away from my SO and my feelings start to change ie: .
then
or I
for the hills. I have also unfortunately in a past relationship run into the arms of someone else, which is no solution at all. I want to change this pattern.
*he can, at times, be incredibly perceptive about the emotional state of another person who is not being obvious about it. It is nearly always with someone who he isn't particularly close to. He has commented about someone in a very deep way when I haven't even noticed their state. I like being wrong sometimes! I admire his delicacy that way. It is very attractive!
*He has a strong sense of right and wrong. So even though he bucks the establishment on whether or not to attend family gatherings, etc, deep down, the sound ethics are there. I know that if anything happened to me, he would be there in a significant and concrete way. I admire that.
Philosophical question
What I wonder, is: could the N in the INTP means that from a young age they are able to sense when something isn't right or if people are asking something of them, but without the strong F they don't often 'know' instinctively how to deliver on that.
When you couple that with the 'impending doom/fear of failure' which is supposed to be an INTP undercurrent, should it be that surprising that too many 'social' needs = feelings of pressure and discomfort, fear of not being able to deliver? I also suspect that many INTPs had very strong mothers (smothers?) What are people's thoughts on this?
Man, I only wish I could make my heart and feelings follow my head instead of the other way around!
Being an NF is a little like having the window to your unconscious permanently stuck open, and so to try to make life a bit more comfortable you pull across the curtains...but when the wind blows...