thescientist
New member
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2009
- Messages
- 254
- MBTI Type
- INTJ
- Enneagram
- 5w4
I’ve been told a few times now by mature people, whose insight I respect, that I must not let my self-worth/self-esteem be affected by how another person behaves or feels towards me. This has always followed on the heels of a conversation about a friend being angry with me, a breakup, someone who I’ve made friendship efforts with not giving me the time of day…etc.
A few people seem to have picked up on this from me, and from self-examination I am getting the impression it is a problem for me, too. When people treat me unkindly, or if I fall out with a friend, or if a guy I like doesn’t like me, etc, it just seems to flatten me out of all measure. Besides having physical symptoms like nausea and exhaustion, I start questioning everything about myself. If there is blame on both sides, I blow my side of it out of all proportion. If it’s clearly the other person’s fault (I mean, it might even be clear to others), I still start questioning everything about myself and the part I may have played. I shouldn’t have said things that way, I pick my friends badly, if he doesn’t like me it’s because I’m not worth much, blah blah blah. I may be exaggerating slightly here, but only slightly. It is definitely sometimes I need to work on.
I should add that generally my relationships with others seem to run quite smoothly. So part of it may be the shock on the relatively rare occasions when things don’t go well. But that doesn’t really explain it… Maybe I also take too much of my self-worth from generally having good relationships with others!
Is this very much an NF thing, or am I just a bit messed up?
I dont think it's an NF thing. I JUST went through this exactly as you describe. Rejected by a guy. You know how I got out of the horrible self-doubt and insecurities? Self-talk. Literally. I would repeat to myself time after time: "I'm so friggin awesome!". If I had a moment of doubt, I would get those positive thoughts back in my head.
I would walk around work with my head held so high, purposely, even if I WASNT feeling all that great, but it made me exude positivity and confidence. Then I went around complimenting everyone, including the guy that rejected me. I compliment him like I'm friggin Penelope Cruz doing him the favor of a compliment! THAT's how confident you have to be. Making people feel good makes you in turn feel good. And trust me...it takes practice at first.
I didnt think it was possible, but I have shocked myself. I never knew it could be so simple.
Something a friend brought to my attention is that I'm apologetic even when I dont need to be. So now I'm more careful about apologizing. Make yourself feel worthy, even if you have to literally tell yourself that you are! Only apologize if ABSOLUTELY necessary.
Now repeat after me: I'M AWESOME. I'M AWESOME. I'M AWESOME. I'M SO FRIGGIN AWESOME!!!!
And dont just say it! BELIEVE IT! Because you are!