How do you express remorse?
i think an example might be good: there was one time when i shouted at my son, i mean, not showing disapproval or discipline to teach him, but genuinely got mad and really shouted at him when he threw his supper on the floor... and he burst out crying. for a little moment still not realizing, i found myself still talking to him in discipline mode, but the cry was different, it wasn't about being in trouble, it was something completely different, he wasn't dodging or protesting, instead he looked at me and reached up with his arms in a desperate cry. i still didn't understand what was wrong, but compassion took over me entirely, i hugged him, allowing him to cry on my shoulder until he calmed down and looked at me, in a line and a face that are among the most vivid in my memory, "daddy, you scared me". i hugged him closer until he calmed down, telling him i didn't mean to scare him, he should never be scared of his dad... i thought back to when i was a little kid, and my father who later found out he had diabetes would go into fits of low sugar rage, how scary was that, and that gigantic man i remembered being smaller then me now. and i realized that in my effort to avoid that, he has never seen me angry towards him. he has seen my angry at his teacher once, when i found out she something to him i disapproved of greatly (that only babies cry). he saw me mad at another parent once when that parent refused to acknowledge their own child's actions. he has never seen me get angry at him. there i saw myself, and what i just did, this gigantic man who my boy trusts there to always be there for him, for one single moment turning against him, all the traits that are there to defend him for one moment became a threat, the security blanket turning against him. and in that moment of understanding, i absolutely hated myself, even if it was just my voice, i knew how sensitive he is for the emotion it conveys, and i failed to defend him from... me. it felt horrible, and worst for him.
we talked it out, and i thought out loud with him. many parents who are wiser by their own accord might disapprove, and to do such is their own business, but that was the first time i decided to break the hierarchy. we agreed that he learns to not do something when he's punished and gets time out, that's what he knows in his own little world of experience, and now he needed the same sign of confidence from me, to feel confident that he won't ever have to be scared of me, and i need to humble myself for him in a context he understands as being humbling. so we went on time out together, him for throwing supper on the floor, and me for scaring him. after a few minutes we went through the ritual, i took him out of timeout, explaining that daddy worked hard to make the food, explaining to him it's like how he got mad when the cat walked on and made a mess of a block castle he made, to which he answered "oh, i didn't know, i am sorry i threw your supper castle on the floor", and we agreed that we don't throw food on the floor. then i asked him if my time out is done, and he.. well, i don't remember how long but he actually squeezed it for a good few moments before my time out was done, until we talked as i thought about it out loud, and we decided i will only scare him when he puts himself in danger or "will make him dead like the skunk" (his death-learning rode kill), after which we agreed that throwing supper isn't dangerous, and we agreed that if he isn't in danger, i won't scare him. after that, the few times i shouted at him again he immediately realized he is doing something dangerous, stopped and ran to me. he hasn't thrown his supper on the floor since last i saw him.
Or do you tend to not express it?
if you mean experience it but not express it, then there can be a delay, because i tend to verbalize my thoughts to figure out what i am feeling and finding that i am feeling remorseful. it doesn't have to be with who i feel remorseful towards, though that's positive if it can be, just with someone. i understand the notion of expressing it through actions and not the words, i know how uncomfortable and humiliating the act if expressing it can be, but i think that if it's left un-communicated, the other person can still be living in fear of you doing it, if you can take that away from them, you probably should.
as far as not experiencing it, i don't get that at all, i don't understand how it's humanly possible to grow to be a decent person without it. in fact the pattern i see persistently in the few who seem unable to do so is that they pride themselves of already being decent people who wouldn't cause hurt, to the point that it is the assumption that they go by, which means that when they have being hurtful towards other people, it is then those people who are being cruel by the act of communicating their hurt, and thus challenging that assumption, "how dare you make me feel bad about myself? i would never do [what your saying i just did to you...]" sort of attitude. for me that is someone who not only can i trust to try and not hurt me or anyone who might be close to both of us in the future, not only does it mean that they tend towards cruel cycles - in which someone expressing that they've being hurt is likely to become an excuse to hurt them more - but it is a sign that they have probably done a good job defended themselves against life lesson's in the past, favoring the belief about themselves and their ego more then they care about anyone else or about whether those beliefs are true. when explaining to someone that they have done something hurtful towards you is followed by prideful claims as "counter arguments" instead of compassion, that's a giant red flag telling me to trust them as far as i can throw them, and if they try to get close to you, better get the catapult ready.
Do you tend to feel remorse?
yep, and it sucks. people you already care about are easy, but i remember - in the second israeli-lebanon war - the first time i felt remorse for my actions towards someone who i didn't know, or rather, the unknown variable of family members and friends of someone who for me had no face. i had a million excuses - it was a draft army not a volunteer army, i didn't choose to be there, i was ordered not acting out of my will, my own family was in the range of missiles they where launching, etc'. you can't get more "justified" then that - i still loathed myself for doing it, i was lucky enough to find my way out of the unit shortly after. that remorse never got resolved, it's not exactly an open boarder passport stamping situation, and i think in someways its better that it doesn't, so that the narrowest of tribal and selective mentalities doesn't completely engulf me.
What are your expectations about how remorse is expressed by others?
show it to me. i've seen enough "repenting" that gets repeated. show me that your interested in the fact it was hurtful, that your curious and want to understand what you did wrong, that you understand why it was hurtful, that you can think of ways to avoid it, or at least work on changing it if it's an habitual matter or takes conscious effort. and the most important of all - show me that your at least trying to avoid it. most important of all, do it out of your own fucking initiative.