BerberElla
12 and a half weeks
- Joined
- Sep 25, 2008
- Messages
- 2,725
- MBTI Type
- infp
Has anybody here successfully recovered from a long term eating disorder that has progressed to the stage of heart problems?
Or have any experience with family/friends who have?
I'm currently trying to recover from anorexia, I've suffered bouts of it on and off since I was 17, but never as badly as the last few months.
Since July I really started coming down hard on myself, allowing myself to eat only when I had to hide it, so out of 3 months, I ate properly for a total of 12 days, but dotted through that time period, and no more than 400 calories on any other day.
Then something happened late september that stopped me from eating even the 400 calories I had been allowing myself. I just stopped eating completely, if I broke then it was to a packet of beef jerky, which I discovered only had 70 calories in it.
For the last week my heart hasn't been beating right, its erractic and I have been in hospital because I blacked out and I have been referred to a cardiologist for more tests. (I was in hopsital a few weeks ago aswell, but my heart was fine then, or at least they didn't pick up on it :/)
I'm being forced to drink a liquid replacement for food (2 drinks a day, 300 calories each, which I'll be honest is a struggle to mentally allow myself to do even though I know its vital), because it was an attempt at eating that triggered the heart problems, apparantly this causes strain on a heart already working harder to keep me alive. Plus I have been doing this to myself for years, laxative abuse, bulimia if I failed at starvation, the only real times I have relaxed my control have been for pregnancy.
For most of my life it was me who controlled the eating disorder, or I thought I was in control. Eating was breaking control. Now I don't feel in control anymore. I haven't been able to eat for over 5 weeks, just 70 calories here or there to keep me going. Even when I tried I couldn't keep it down.
I was euphoric on starvation for awhile, thats so twisted I know, but being hungry meant I was winning. I'm extremely underweight now, my cycle has vanished, I dropped 2 sizes in clothes and although to me I felt I was fat before, rationally I know I wasn't. It doesn't help that people congratulated me on my weight loss, long before they started to look a bit horrified at how far it has gone.
I don't want this anymore, I don't want to punish myself like this anymore. I'm a bit frightened at what I am doing to myself, no doubt I knew starvation was dangerous and killed, but of course I somehow did not apply that to myself.
Is it possible to regain my strength?
I know I will gain weight, mentally dealing with that will be a struggle, but can you strengthen a heart again?
My appointment with the cardiologist is not til monday and I'm panicking because I don't know if these insane heart palpitations will go away or if this is a feeling I will always be faced with.
Do you know anybody who has been there before, or been there before? if so are you better now? Is it possible?
I just want to get past this.
Or have any experience with family/friends who have?
I'm currently trying to recover from anorexia, I've suffered bouts of it on and off since I was 17, but never as badly as the last few months.
Since July I really started coming down hard on myself, allowing myself to eat only when I had to hide it, so out of 3 months, I ate properly for a total of 12 days, but dotted through that time period, and no more than 400 calories on any other day.
Then something happened late september that stopped me from eating even the 400 calories I had been allowing myself. I just stopped eating completely, if I broke then it was to a packet of beef jerky, which I discovered only had 70 calories in it.
For the last week my heart hasn't been beating right, its erractic and I have been in hospital because I blacked out and I have been referred to a cardiologist for more tests. (I was in hopsital a few weeks ago aswell, but my heart was fine then, or at least they didn't pick up on it :/)
I'm being forced to drink a liquid replacement for food (2 drinks a day, 300 calories each, which I'll be honest is a struggle to mentally allow myself to do even though I know its vital), because it was an attempt at eating that triggered the heart problems, apparantly this causes strain on a heart already working harder to keep me alive. Plus I have been doing this to myself for years, laxative abuse, bulimia if I failed at starvation, the only real times I have relaxed my control have been for pregnancy.
For most of my life it was me who controlled the eating disorder, or I thought I was in control. Eating was breaking control. Now I don't feel in control anymore. I haven't been able to eat for over 5 weeks, just 70 calories here or there to keep me going. Even when I tried I couldn't keep it down.
I was euphoric on starvation for awhile, thats so twisted I know, but being hungry meant I was winning. I'm extremely underweight now, my cycle has vanished, I dropped 2 sizes in clothes and although to me I felt I was fat before, rationally I know I wasn't. It doesn't help that people congratulated me on my weight loss, long before they started to look a bit horrified at how far it has gone.
I don't want this anymore, I don't want to punish myself like this anymore. I'm a bit frightened at what I am doing to myself, no doubt I knew starvation was dangerous and killed, but of course I somehow did not apply that to myself.
Is it possible to regain my strength?
I know I will gain weight, mentally dealing with that will be a struggle, but can you strengthen a heart again?
My appointment with the cardiologist is not til monday and I'm panicking because I don't know if these insane heart palpitations will go away or if this is a feeling I will always be faced with.
Do you know anybody who has been there before, or been there before? if so are you better now? Is it possible?
I just want to get past this.