I didn't mean being emotional or sappy. I loathe the idea of pretending to understand someone's feelings if I don't really know where they're coming from or being fake or pitying. I mean learning to be more tuned into their needs and providing for them in a sincere manner. Like Toast said in the other thread, it's our feelings of wanting to give service/gift refocused on their needs as they are. It's something I'd like to improve at. Tips would be appreciated if anyone knows any.
You're already doing it. Haha. You came to
my post and offered assistance to the NFs. You sweet thing.
I think its mainly about figuring out what 'kind' of expression feels validating to the other person and then analyzing how you can express those things genuinely and comfortably. [Example: If someone needs words of affirmation & gifts. Poetry is likely out. (haha) But silly notes might be something you could do comfortably.] I'm pretty sure ISTPs are naturally tuned to give validation with service, protectiveness and by being good gift givers. The reason they are considered "invalidating" by emotional types might be because these are difficult to see for them to see as direct because: 1.) They usually require an external trigger, like an event or occasion. 2.) They are not directly emotional with an ISTP (like an ISTPs 'protectiveness' might come off particularly calm and cool in comparison to other types.) Of course, I'm generalizing, but hopefully you get the idea. Those who are more expressive of emotions directly can be somewhat 'blind' to validation in those forms, and usually come to see them clearer
after they feel appreciated in a way that's easier for them to understand.
I'm actually trying to think of tips on how to do this on those types that need a lot of verbal affirmation and feedback, because that's probably the toughest for ISTPs. It would help me too, thinking of some ways to fill that (because its a huge ENFJ need) without it being too forced. I know the ISTPs I know are careful what they say and have a sense of integrity that can cause difficulty in using words that might come off as mushy, dramatic or fake. I imagine if one isn't used to language of the unconscious a lot of it comes out sounding like forced poetry, and can make the ISTP feel ridiculous, inconsistent or vulnerable in a way they don't want to be. Also, like
MDP2525 said, I think a lot of ISTPs might think that their feelings on a subject are already 'out there' & that putting extra words into describing or projecting them is either overkill or attention grabbing.
I think there are probably some easy compromises though, like compliments. They can be done in a number of ways that don't come off as too 'over the top' & ISTPs can probably be comfortable giving them to someone who needs a lot of validation. On a side note, It's funny but the 'masculine form' of complimenting such as "good job" or "whoo-whoo" - which are likely more comfortable for ISTPs because they are less personal - are
more likely to be accepted then personalized compliments which are usually rejected or reflected.
The fact that probably two-thirds of compliments are not actually accepted ("you look good." -
"No, I look fat.") might drive ISTPs a little nuts, because if given in 'gift' form this seems like rejection & might make the ISTP wonder what the point is. Deflecting or rejecting compliments usually ends when the receiver becomes comfortable not having to worry about their self-image or re-validate the giver, though. So the annoyance is likely temporary.
I also think complimenting or giving verbal affirmation of any kind might be awkward because of the processing time it takes for an ISTP to decide it's worth it and genuine. Like
MDP2525 has said, (and I've heard other ISTPs say something similar), by the time the expressions might be seen as genuine or worth saying, they seem out of place or no longer appropriate for the time / worth saying. If an ISTP could make attempts to recall thoughts of what could be genuinely validating if expressed, just as they might remember an act of service (like, "I should fix the ... later. X would like that."), they could limit the awkwardness of expressing it later by saying "I was thinking about ... (and then express the validation) today."
I think I've complicated all that. Hopefully you'll get something out of it.
Another type of validating (like in the post you mentioned that I commented on) another person is through quality one-on-one time. I think ISTPs are naturally not tuned to need
a lot of this from their relationships or understand what it really means without a bit of wonder. ISTPs are action oriented and seem to value people as extensions or additions to the activities in their life. They also get comfortable with people and feel more relaxed in their presence, but the other person does not necessarily have to be in the spotlight or a part of the action.
Those who get validation through "quality time" need the time to be focused on them or the relationship, to an extent. It validates the 'meaning' they have to you, or how important or 'liked' they are based on your
wanting to be around them and know them or be liked by them. The activity itself could be used to do this - as in picking a setting or activity that the other person enjoys. The validation comes from consideration of their wants in this case. But generally I would say the quantity of time is usually most important if its needed for validation. "The more he/she cares, the more they'll want to be around me/talk to me, regardless of what we are doing." I'm just bringing the "quality time" validation up because it seems like it would be trouble for an ISTP in some relationships. Also, If a person is busy and can't spend too much time with someone who uses 'quality time' for validation, expressing that they "wish they could" be around them more is effective, I think.
Are ISTPs good with physical touch? I get a lot of mixed information on this. I know some people find physical touch validating. To some it is the primary expression used to gauge feelings. I think, for me it is about 3rd on my list but quite necessary for romantic relationships. I've heard ISTPs can be very cuddly (mine had Aspergers so he wasn't for reasons other than type) and that ISTP dad's can be really physically loving to kids. But I've also heard that touch is similar to words and can be guarded against if it exposes to much or causes vulnerability.